Today we’re going to talk about an atypical topic: how to celebrate the death of someone you dislike.
I don’t mean in a “forgive and accept their flaws” kind of way, no, no, no, I mean that deep seated dislike that they deserve, and being happy they’re dead…but when other people around you love and miss them.
It happens. We don’t talk about it. We talk about making peace with them, and not acknowledging that very visceral joy that comes with their passing.
Why am I talking about this on a thanatophobia blog?
Well, I talk about grief, and I talk about things associated with death, and this is an association.
It is also going to happen to me. My maternal grandmother is someone I hate and I say that with no reservations. She was terribly abusive and I’ve made it clear she will never see me or hear from me again. I may be at her funeral, but only for my mom’s sake, because despite knowing how terrible her mother is – she has admitted she will still be heartbroken.
So the first thing you should know, is to be prepared for grief. I wish I could say otherwise, but it’s likely going to happen for a myriad of reasons, perhaps the largest reason being confusion, and the second largest being the “loss of potential” – even if all that potential was the opportunity to let them know they aren’t forgiven. It’s perfectly okay to feel this, and to also hate feeling it.
During this phase, I definitely suggest isolating the emotions as best as possible, and understanding the “why”. Ask yourself the questions to get to the heart of it. Did you want to reconcile with this person one day? Did you want to hear an apology or admittance of guilt and wrong doing, even if you had no plans to forgive them? Or are you just upset you didn’t get to scream “fuck you” in their face?
Once you can name it, you can deal with it.
But I told you I was going to talk about how to celebrate, because that feeling may come first, or it may come later.
First thing is this: keep your celebration to yourself, or keep it vague. There are likely others around you who are in mourning, and if you love them despite their grief, as I love my mother, you won’t want to ostracize them. I’ve told my mom I won’t be sad when my grandmother dies. She understands this. That doesn’t mean I’m going to actively celebrate.
A quick note: make sure your boundaries are known. If you can’t be there for the grieving, let them know you are not a good support system at this time. Explain as much, or as little, but let them know.
Okay, back to celebrating.
If you need to go big, like fireworks big, just be vague about the reason.
“Something great happened!”
“I got a new lease on life!”
“It’s a long and complicated story, and I don’t want to get into the bad parts that led me here tonight, I just want to celebrate.”
I do advise literally lighting fireworks, or otherwise partaking in safe, fire-based activities. So long as you can light the fireworks in a safe and legal manner, go for it. Just, don’t have other mourners around, obviously. And don’t drink. Save the drinking for afterwards, if you do partake, even if you think of yourself as a heavyweight or a good judge of your intake; now is not the time to mix volatile emotions, drugs, and fire.
If you don’t want literal fireworks, you can also do a small fire in your backyard in a firepit. You can rent a campsite, and have a fire there. You can turn on your fireplace, if you have one. You can go see a friend with a firepit, if they’re understanding that they are NOT to guilt you for your feelings. Now is the time to validate them, not guilt.
Drink, if you must, but I rather suggest not. Drink and other forms of intoxicants, are only going to cause more problems for the emotions right now. I advise staying sober.
When you’ve let the loudness out, treat it like exercise in your aftercare. Stretch it out. Quiet it down. Baths/showers, good smells, and perhaps even some literal stretching or yoga. Get in and curl up, more or less. Maybe it’s with a good book, maybe it’s with a good game, maybe it’s just to sleep, but let everything settle.
Enjoy a decadent meal the next day.
Acquire a nice, small thing – or large, extravagant thing, if you’re in that position. But the next day after the celebrations must still be special, even if you’re going to work, or continuing like normal.
In fact, continue this for three days. Celebration, The Next Day, the Day After. The third day, I think it’d be okay to be less sober.
If you’re not a loud celebration sort, or not a fan of fire, I will suggest some alternatives:
1. Deep Clean! The Witch is dead! Purge them entirely, even if they weren’t leaving any actual traces in your house. It’ll still feel NEW, it works off the energy, and it’ll be nice to relax after that.
2. Loud music and dancing around. I mean really. DDR and Beat Saber are also options.
3. Exercise! A walk, a treadmill, a bike, lifting some weights and smashing some personal records, because seriously – that energy. It needs worked out. Go work out with a friend or take a long walk around a lake, shifting into skipping, jogging, or running as the emotions swirl.
4. Try something completely new, showing this is a new chapter in your life. I suggest something energy-burning, only because in these situations I have a lot of energy, but if you’re not that way, then feel free to make it something more laidback or artsy.
5. Go tick something off your own bucket list – plan a trip, do something easy you’ve been putting off, but conquer something on your own bucket list. Show them you’re still alive, and doing what you want to do!
6. Get a hair change. Haircut, hair dye, things like that – hair is something significant for change across cultures, so you can embrace that here as part of the celebration.
7. Go to one of those “break shit” rooms – or an axe-throwing thing, knife throwing – go do VIOLENCE, safely.
What I’m saying, first and foremost, is you have the RIGHT to be happy when someone dies.
Don’t press your happiness onto your loved ones.
But do accept it, as you may have to accept your grief, and ENJOY it, in whatever ways you can, and also extend it. Three days seems fair. That’s usually the time we’re expected to have our shit together after a major loss, enough to function, so three days of actively celebrating in some way, seems good.
I know, this is still an odd thing to put here. This is a blog for people who are afraid of death, and in theory, we shouldn’t be happy that such a thing is inflicted on another person.
But we live in a complicated world, with complicated emotions, and sometimes, that means accepting we want some people out of this world, and we are going to be happy when they are. Having some ideas of pragmatic, and healing, ways to celebrate without injuring our loved ones still with us, is useful.
And it should be talked about more.
The dead are indeed gone. Resting.
I don’t adhere to the belief of “do not speak ill of the dead”, when the dead have caused us trauma we’re still living with. It seems strange that it’s okay to wish ill on Hitler and talk ill on him, but not on personal enemies in our lives, like abusers. No, we must be quiet.
Be mindful of those who loved them, if you love those people, but otherwise, fucking celebrate.
