Sick to my stomach, heart racing and shortness of breath. The moment I saw a picture of my ex with another woman. I thought I was over him, I thought I moved on. Seeing the picture opened my wounds back up and I'm so mad at myself for keeping my heart open.
Let me start from the beginning. I met a man whom I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. We were dating for almost 6 years and I was so sure he was the one. Four years into our relationship I began questioning our purpose as a couple. Are we going to get married? Ha because kids? All these questions were running through my mind. So I presented them to him and he kept telling me I needed to change and then maybe we can discuss next steps. Now I know I'm not perfect and couples have their ups and downs so I let it pass. Well year 5 our relationship I asked again and received the semi same response. At this time I was desperate for answers. So I began attending a local church, and immediately my perspective changed. He wasn't a godly man, he spoke down on me and we got into physical fights. Why would I want to marry someone like that. So I began seeking God more till I got answer from God which I wasn't prepared for. God told me to approach my ex and ask him to come to church with me or I would leave. Now apart of me liked option b, him coming to church with me. Slowly but surely he started attending church but during these times our fights got worse! I mean from pushing each other into walls to leaving me in a parking lot at night. I told myself wow I thought coming to God would help? We remained in the relationship and endured the struggles. Year 6 of our relationship, We found a church we both liked and became regular members. I thought okay yes this is it God, we both serve you and our reksyuimship is good. Well now there was more of a spiritual battle for us. I began to see things differently from a godly perspective, I wanted to move to my next level of spiritual growth. So one day, mr brother’s pastor told me that my ex wasn't the one. I was shocked and didn't know how to feel. He told me I need to cute all ties with him. My God, I was not ready! Well I prayed about it and asked God for strength and had the guts to break up with him. I was okay at the time but still felt sad, lonely, unsure and angry. All this time I spent in this relationship to have it end!!! I asked my brother and his church pray for me. They did znd I felt some peace. I left my old church and began going to my brother’s church. I was like ok I got this, I am healed from my past, or so I thought. It had been about 5 months since our breakup but for some reason I kept communicating with him. One day I was scrolling through social media and BAM! There he is with another woman. I was crushed, heartbroken, angry, & disappointed. I wanted to jump off a cliff, crash into a buildIng, just to not feel this pain. I cried sand cried, till I spoke to my brother and he let me know that my walk in the Lord will be rough at times but I have to remain focused. So here I am trying hard to not feel unsure, discouraged or bitter. This is only day one of this feeling and I know this is my test. I dill keep documenting my feelings. But know that if it wasn't for God I wouldn't be writing this post.
