#dear spiders

[iamtryingtobehappylunatic]

Dear Spiders you can stay in my room for free but please don’t make too much mess except Halloween. And please don’t try to jump on me or you will need to find another accommodation. Sincerely yours Human

[dearanimals339-blog]

Dear spiders

Dear spiders,

I wanted to say I’m not sorry for squishing your friends who invade my house. You guys are creepy motherfuckers and you need to stay out of my house because there’s no flies in there thank you very much. I understand you’re supposed to play some important role in the environment on controlling the amount of insects and such, but you can do that OUTSIDE. You are no welcomed in my house and I will squish every last one of you if I see you! No mercy! This is war!

-From a very scared but determined human

[batesnovacancy]

reason #487357 why i hate the outdoors

fucking spider webs

and i hardly ever see any actual spiders

just their webs all over the damn place and it's gross　

[the-crazy-world-of-bamboozlepig]

Another spider???

Dear spiders,

I wish to inform you that anyone trying to sell you on a timeshare or vacation in my apartment is sadly mistaken...my place is not a resort, nor is it Disneyland for spiders, although with all my nice stuff that can be crawled upon and have webs spun around, I'm sure that it seems like a great winter getaway for you and the missus and your eight billion children you're carrying on your back.  So please, kindly pack up your tiny little RV, your eight billion children, the missus, AND that fly picnic lunch you've brought along, and vacate my premises immediately.  If you're searching for nice places to winter, I suggest Arizona, Florida, or the apartment of the jerk next door.  He has even NICER stuff.

And to the spiders seeking to avenge the death of their family members at my hands, I truly apologize for having to squash Uncle Fred or Brother Charlie, but in retrospect, it was probably NOT wise of them to decide to nest in my shoes or beneath my kitchen cupboards.  After all, I prefer to wake up to the great taste of Folger's in my cup, not Flyger's, and I was NOT amused to find Uncle Fred swimming frantically in my drink, just because he forgot his floaties.  And I apologize for hairspraying Great Aunt Myrtle to death, but let's face it, when she decides to spin a web above my guinea pig cages with the hopes of perhaps catching one of the fat little porkers, I'm sorry, but she HAS to go.  

And please rest assured, all of your arachnoid relatives have died noble deaths, and I've taken great care to give each and every one of them a good burial at sea by flushing them down the toilet on a coffin made of kleenex.  Or toilet paper, whichever was handy at the time.  Well, all except for Mister Wiggly, who got swatted and fell into Eeep's tank, whereupon Eeep decided that anything falling into his tank was possible food or a food-related product and delicately sampled poor Mister Wiggly, or at least three of his legs, before I screamed and scooped the dying Mister Wiggly out with the pooper scooper and hurried him to the toilet, where he was given a burial at sea atop some bedding and a few pig poos.  Eeep, of course, was highly disappointed that he didn't get the chance to finish tasting Mister Wiggly, because food that moves is a terrific treat in his eyes, while Gabby was disappointed that I couldn't produce a second Mister Wiggly to fling into her tank for her own tasting, and I was just oogied out by the fact that one of my guinea pigs ate three spider legs with absolutely no qualms whatsoever.  

And let's talk webs, shall we?  While I'm sure it's highly amusing to you to watch me walk into one of your hanging threads and scream, thrashing and flailing madly about as I swat myself, trying to rid myself of any possible person-to-spider contact, I can assure you I am NOT amused in the least.  So kindly do NOT spin threads down 'just to scare the fuck outta that bitch with the hairspray can', okay?  Because screaming and flailing are not on my list of favorite activities to do, and it also makes my guinea pigs think I'm putting on some kind of fantastic show about kinetic body motion or the latest dance moves from 'Dancing With The Stars'.  And as with any show, they expect refreshments to be served, so I always have to go get them some sort of treat, just for sitting there and watching me have a spaz attack over a spider web thread.  

So in closing, dear spiders, while I understand that with impending cold weather you are looking to move your operations indoors, I would really appreciate it if you'd consider anywhere else but my apartment for your housing needs.  I'm sure we'll all get along better for it, and I won't be hairspraying Momma Sue or Pappy Walter, just because they decided to nest in my Mootsies Tootsies.

Sincerely,

Kim