Dear Animals

Letters to the animals from a human.

[dearanimals339-blog]

Dear Deer

Dear Deer,

Where you guys never taught street safety tips? What ever happened to 'look both ways before crossing the street'? Is it a game of chicken, or have your species really never evolved to realize that cars = death? I mean, are all deer suicidal? I supposed I'm writing this letter because you should know to stay out of the damn road! Or if you have to cross it, look both ways and do it QUICKLY! Don't stand there if you hear or see something coming straight for you! Thank you.

-From the human who hates seeing dead animals on the side of the road

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Dear Cats

Dear cats,

Okay, you may seem perfect at first, but let’s review a few things all cat owner know about. Where did all that energy come from in the middle of the night? I mean, one moment, you’re fine, you don’t want to do anything but sleep while I’m awake. Then randomly, I turn out the lights to go to sleep and you’re zipping through the house like a cat on steroids! Like what the hell?! Is it the dark? Or do you just enjoy keeping me up all night with the loud crashing noises in the distance of the house somewhere? And why do you insist on bringing me half dead animals and then LEAVING it on the doorstep? It’s like you enjoy the grossed out look and the squirming of trying to clean up the remains! Also, don’t you have a heart for the animals you just decapitated? Does it occur to you that that thing had a heartbeat? (Now’s not the time to look at the meat in my fridge.) Why do you have to scratch on the most important pieces of furniture in the most obvious places? I mean, I buy you a scratching post and you only rub your body against it and then go scratch the walls and the couches! Then there’s the blinds. What do you have against me having the blinds closed? Why must you destroy every window blinds I own? Your litter box smells terrible if it’s not changed everyday. What the hell did you eat?! But overall, I still love you. Because how could anyone resist that face?

-From a very loving but tired human

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Dear spiders

Dear spiders,

I wanted to say I’m not sorry for squishing your friends who invade my house. You guys are creepy motherfuckers and you need to stay out of my house because there’s no flies in there thank you very much. I understand you’re supposed to play some important role in the environment on controlling the amount of insects and such, but you can do that OUTSIDE. You are no welcomed in my house and I will squish every last one of you if I see you! No mercy! This is war!

-From a very scared but determined human

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Dear Ants

Dear ants, I just wanted to say sorry for all those times as a kid when I destroyed your homes and drowned you with the hose. I regret it now. Because all your grandchildren and great grandchildren seem to remind me of this every time I wear flip flops. I don’t even go near ant beds and somehow they find a way on my feet with a vengeance. If I promise to never destroy another ant bed again, will you call them off? Please? -From a sincere human

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Dear Insects

Dear insects, Please stop flying into my face. You know, us humans have to pass all kinds of test before we’re allowed to drive or fly. We are also taught from a young age how to walk without running into things. Until we master these skills, we are strapped to strollers, car seats, have to hold our parent’s hand when we walk, ect. I think you insects should really look into the rules of life and have your parents to stop leaving you when you’re an egg so they can teach you how to fly without running into a giant. I mean really! I’m like 100 times bigger than you and you STILL hit my face? That’s like humans running into a skyscraper, which admittedly has happened, but very few of us do that on a daily basis. Another thing, very VERY few of us do it more than once! I mean, didn’t you get the picture the first time? Is there a reason to run into my face repeatedly? Lastly, there’s more than enough free sky to fly in without running into people. Unlike humans who are limited to roads when driving, you’ve got the whole damn sky! -From a very frustrated human