Dear Dysfunctional Diary,
I’m struggling pretty bad right now. I don’t know why. Really, things are going well. I had an important appointment that went well. I’m on vacation. Things are just, good. I’m not good, though.
I have to quit smoking asap, which is so incredibly nerve racking, because it’s my only coping mechanism that genuinely helps. I don’t really know how I’m going to manage.
I feel very depressed and lost for no reason. I really would like to be dead. It’s just too hard living in my head. I don’t know how people choose to be around me when I can’t even stand being around myself.
When I look at my future, I don’t see what I’d hope most people do. I don’t see success, or even at least avoided failure. I see myself being 25 years old in the same place I am right now, and that’s terrifying.
I’ve been questioning moving to a group home, because I feel that I’ve tried everything else, but honestly I just don’t think I can do that. I feel like I need it to even function semi-close to how a human being is supposed to function, but I worry that going to one will take away the last of my hope and good in life.
Everything in my life is a mess, for no other reason than my mental instability. My relationships, my eating, my health, my finances, my schooling, everything. Nothing is /actually/ wrong, but my mental health is definitely causing it to become that way. I can’t decide what I feel for people and how to express it, so my relationships are rocky and unstable. I either don’t care about my weight at all and stress eat or care way too much and stress fast, so my eating is all messy. My stress and stuff drops my immune system and manifests in physical symptoms so my health is crazy. I can’t handle working so I have no money. I can’t handle school so I’m on a medical leave. Everything is impacted and it’s killing me I just wanted to be stable and function correctly.
