RIP [birthday thing is coming up, just need to get on my laptop!]
“No, no please, no.” She could see the blood underneath his shirt, but she ignored it, first checking his wrist for a pulse before moving to his neck. Nothing, he was eerily still and she couldn’t gent him to move, he wasn’t responding to anything.
It was all planned so perfectly, a quiet weekend tucked away at the cottage simply doing nothing. A christmas spent together, since family wasn’t much on option as such. bundled in his jumpers, hanging around making pancakes for breakfast, smoking far to much and barely leaving the house so that they just had a chance to spend time together. The long cases in the states had meant she was away too much, Alex hated feeling so distant from Hamish. Doing nothing with him was a little piece of heaven.
Should she have not leant into the skid? They always said on icy roads to steer into it, and still the car had flipped. She could question her driving later, right now she was terrified by that glassy look in his eyes. He needed to come back to her, he had to wake up. She was not sure how she could cope without him now. She didn’t think it was possible.
Keeping her breathing as steady as she could, Alex started the compressions. She was pretty sure she had dislocated her shoulder dragging him away from the broken shell of the car but she pumped as hard as she could, she wasn’t about to let him go without a fight. One, two, three, four, she worked her way up to thirty before pressing her lips to his and breathing into his lungs deeply.
Come on Mish. You promised me, you promised we’d do this. We were doing so good, we had love. You can’t leave me, you promised you wouldn’t leave me like this. You little shit, breathe. Just one breath. Kiss me, smile, anything. Crack a joke about my age, tell me I look like an idiot doing this, something. Anything. I need you.
She shouted aloud for someone to get help, but who? She was alone on the country road, the snow around her starting to turn red. She needed him alive, and still after what felt like hours there was no movement. She kept pushing through the intense pain in her shoulder- it was nothing to watching him lie so still. Tears streamed down her face stinging her cheeks with the cold as she slowly came to a stop.
Alex let herself drop to lie next to him in the snow, wrapping her bloody fingers around his cold hand. Sobs raked her body, staring up at a grey english sky that felt too lonely now. It should have been me. It shouldn’t be you. You didn’t deserve this. It’s my fault. Turning her head to look at him, she pressed a gentle kiss to his cheek, still hoping he’d turn to face her and say it was all a wind up.