#decembaby

[94monkeys]

Well, that was a nice 10 minutes of feeling like things were under control around here.

My Decembaby is not gaining weight as fast as she should be. After various consultations the doctor recommended she go on a dairy-free diet… which means I have to go on a dairy-free diet. The good news is that it’s probably something she will grow out of… the bad news is that I may have to stay on it as long as she is breastfeeding.

I alternate between grim competence and complete collapse over this news. I have never in my life given up a whole food group at once, and I’ve been lucky enough not to have allergies or intolerances. Lucky too to replace all the dairy stuff in our fridge and to seek out “compliant” foods. But I’m just so tired. I was in a good place where I was eating enough, mostly eating good stuff, and now I have to read labels and read new recipes and obsess and… I hate it! I love my baby but I miss pizza already and it’s been like 4 days.

And our pediatrician has given us/me basically NO support on this. Osteoporosis runs in my family, so I asked for a list of good non-dairy calcium sources and they sent me one that was MOSTLY dairy. What the fuck man. So now I gotta research all this stuff and somehow figure it out on the fly, while my brain feels like a dead pinball machine with all these screws and springs rattling for nothing, while taking care of the baby and occasionally washing my hair and so on. I completely broke open when I asked for tips and the nurse wrote to me “the detox period is a long one but if you follow it diligently you may see some small improvements.” Oh great! All I have to do is overthink everything I eat when I worked so hard NOT to do that! Small improvements!

I’m pretty sure I know what the best thing for my mental health would be… but I am stubborn so we are going to try this detox for 2 weeks and see how it goes. I am hungry.

Also while I’m complaining I got a summons for jury duty for the same day my husband goes back to work (Uh… no?) and last night our TV died MINUTES before the State of the Union. I think we need to unplug February and plug it back in again.

[94monkeys]

Holy shit, I had a baby.

[94monkeys]

Tiny training buddy!

I’ve started the Nike Training Club postpartum series which is good AND free but I think I need something more comprehensive. I don’t have the anatomical knowledge so I can only say that some moves and positions are uncomfortable and they used to not be, so I need some guidance there. I would love to get back to running but physically I don’t think I’m ready.

(For transparency the baby has interrupted me every SINGLE workout I’ve done in the morning, which is not all that surprising since she has no concept of time. She seems to prefer interrupting the postpartum workouts specifically… o the irony.)

[94monkeys]

How it started/ how it's going

This isn't going to become a pregnancy blog (I think??) but I did want to get down a few thoughts about how I've been feeling and what's been going on!

How it started

Well, long story short, we did IVF and it worked. On the first try? Yes. Did you expect that to happen? Absolutely not! Between when we decided we would do it (Nov/Dec) and when we could get into the schedule (March) I had gotten myself to "okay, we will try this and see if it happens." For me, I think that decision was the hardest part—harder than the shots and putting our whole life on hold—accepting that this was our best option and that we were going to pursue it despite the odds.

(I hasten to point out that I live in a state where IVF is mandated to be covered by insurance—not all of it because our system sucks, but enough of it that cost was nowhere near as big a factor as it is for many. Can't describe how lucky this was of a life choice.)

I found out I was pregnant right after my husband got COVID... which was right after we had been in semi-isolation for IVF.... how 2022! The first people I told were my dentist and dentist's assistant because, LOL, they almost didn't let me get a cleaning without a doctor's note. At 6 weeks! Everyone remembers that magic moment when they deliver the happy news to their dentist, right? The next people I told were my 2 close friends who have walked with me through this whole process (one had a similar pregnancy loss, the other is dealing with her own massive health issue). I'm so lucky to have them in my life.

How it's going

Honestly... really good! Decembaby is looking healthy and testing has all gone well so far. While gender is a construct we found out the baby is a girl and I'm excited for that too. (My husband just discovered that "girl clothes" are more exciting than the clothes designated for baby boys. Yes, it's his first day here. But he's so happy and excited and just the best.)

I am having to take it easier than normal, but I don't mind. Fitness and food right now is a whole other circus best suited for a separate post, but I have been able to be fairly active and I'm eating in a way that feels good! I haven't weighed myself since mid-March since we started IVF, although they are weighing me at the doctor's office. So I know I have gained a little weight and some of my clothes are not as comfortable any more. But I'm kind of enjoying not micro-tracking it and knowing that if I have to pay more attention to it, my doctors will tell me.

In my first trimester I was exhausted and often woke up nauseated (although I never fully ralphed and I'm grateful for that!) I was also massively anxious because of the losses we had gone through before, even worrying that I didn't feel sick/ drained ENOUGH for things to go well. The worst anxiety hit the 3.5 weeks between when I "graduated" from fertility and when I got seen by my regular-degular OB/GYN.

I still have some anxiety that I will jinx myself by telling people. I put off telling people at work for so long that someone else I work with is pregnant (!) so now we'll probably just dive-bomb everyone together. I guess that's why we haven't done a big splash announcement on social media yet. Maybe we still will!

For now I'm glad I can enjoy this phase even as I know it will change. I'm starting to feel her move around, especially after I've been lying down for a bit. Such a weird alien feeling! We can't stop talking about things we want to do with her and what she'll be like. It's just—wow—this is our lives, this is happening.

[94monkeys]

But she kept all these things, and pondered them in her heart.

Popping my head up for a quick update here.

My daughter was born 6 weeks ago. Somehow it feels like five seconds and an eternity at the same time. I keep thinking it's still the beginning of January, in the safe time warm cocoon of our apartment where we spent 98% of our waking hours.

I tried to prepare myself as best as I could for what was ahead, but I was not prepared for how emotionally intense this experience would be. I don't know if I can fully express it now! We're so happy and so lucky and it's still so hard. Decembaby is healthy but feeding her is challenging and so is figuring out why she's upset, when she's upset. (Surely the sleep deprivation isn't helping on that front.) It's wild to me to think that this is such an ordinary, core human experience, that happens all the time, that is so ordinary and so transformative at the same time. WILD!

Thankfully my brain is starting to come back online (I swear the first 2 weeks I could not remember a single thing) and I am feeling a little more like myself, being able to do more than just the flat basics of existence. I do want to try and get something down about these weeks because I'm so acutely aware that they will never happen again—that she is always going to be growing up. So: I'm still here, just been fundamentally altered as a person! I'd like to get around to sharing my birth story at some point too. Soon, but for now going to pick up the baby again.

[94monkeys]

For everyone whose holiday isn’t going the way they planned, or is sad today for reasons they can or can’t pinpoint, may I offer you a warm baby clad in fleece with a soft little head and a chubby little cheek.

We’re just hunkering down at home over here getting to know each other. My mom’s been bringing meals, my sisters have been in and out cheering us up and helping with errands. Last night we watched Love Actually on TV from the Mr Bean scene forward and back around to the beginning, just the 3 of us. Well, Decembaby didn’t really watch.

If I feel one thing about parenting it’s that I’ve never felt so totally up to a task and so inadequate at the same time. In an instant I can go from “I don’t know what she needs, I suck,” to “we’re doing it, best that’s ever been.” This experience was cemented in the hospital when she screamed at me for fully 20 minutes as I put her in her car seat to go home, only to get full nurse approval of my baby installation on the first try. (I guess practicing with her Baby Yoda Build-a-Bear really paid off!)

She’s perfect and we love her so much.

Now I’m going to set her down to snooze, make a big breakfast with COFFEE and put on the Peanuts Xmas special.

[94monkeys]

Decembaby update

I am "forcing my family and friends to guess when the baby will arrive and what her name is" weeks pregnant! Seriously, I made a Google Form, DM me if you want me to send it.

We're close enough that I now have doctor's appointments every week all through December, when she will most likely be born. I also will have a non-stress test every week—basically they put monitors on your bare belly and check the fetal heartbeat patterns over 20-30 minutes. (I had one a few weeks ago, so I knew the drill this week.) Or... if you're my fetus, you dislodge the monitor repeatedly because nobody tells you want to do. There's probably a biological reason why she did it, but I prefer imagining that it's her personality. Stay feisty baby... it's a wild world out here.

[94monkeys]

A few weeks ago I was "whenever we go to a doctor's appointment I remind my husband where I've left the packed hospital bag" weeks pregnant.

Now I'm "up at 1am the night before the doctor trying to figure out what absolutely cannot be put off in case I get admitted" weeks pregnant.

I don't have any good reason to believe that I'll be admitted today, but I do believe it so the postpartum PJs* are WASHED and the sheets are CLEAN and I am POSSESSED.

*they're not maternity specific, it's just these PJs one size up from what I would normally buy. Enough coverage that if family came over I would feel fully dressed, but comfy enough to wear all day.