Griefblr
I miss my dad and I'm thinking about death again!
My husband and I are working on our wills I am working on our wills. Generally it's a good idea to have a will if you have a kid because you have to decide what would happen to them in a worst case scenario. I started working on this six months ago in earnest because my husband was not doing it, and I didn't want to leave us unprepared.
It has taken me this long because every time I make any decision I panic and spiral about death in general and mine in particular. I had multiple exploratory calls with lawyers where I broke down either on the phone or directly after the phone call. I finally went with the lawyer who did my brother and SIL's wills, who is unsentimental and calms me down. But even then I have to gather myself back together after doing the smallest part of it.
See, my dad was always the person I went to for money advice. He never made me feel dumb and he always talked me down from a panic about which health insurance option to choose, or whatever. At the end of his career he was a certified financial professional, so officially licensed to do what he always did for me.
Because he worked in that capacity, I inherited his coworkers as a source of advice. They are trying to help me, but they would never be able to measure up. I start answering their questions, like this morning, and I inevitably end up sobbing about something as minor as life insurance premiums. I CANNOT deal. And again, this is just planning for the future. We are doing okay. We are so fortunate that we are doing okay, in part because my dad gave us such good advice about saving what we could. The guy who taught me how to save for retirement didn't get to enjoy his. It's just so unfucking fair.
It was Mother's Day, but Sunday was also my dad's birthday (also Bono's) (he pointed this out allll the time). I went away for the weekend doing something very cool he would have LOVED and I thought about him a lot. I did call my mom while I was driving home and we didn't talk about him, but I felt that he was there. Two years on, I cannot fully fathom a world where he isn't here for me. At least I have a (looks at calendar) oh fuck! Father's Day!!!! Damn it!!!!!!!!
