Suicide Awareness Month- My Story
-Proceed with caution-
Suicide Awareness Month:
I could tell you all of the ways that I struggled. How I was bullied relentlessly through high school- for my weight, my sexuality, and the sport I chose to play. I could tell you that I had to tell a room full of teenagers and parents that my teammate had killed themselves for the same bullying. I could tell you the rage that filled every single fiber of my being because if I had to live through this hell why couldn't they. I could tell you that my coach told me I shouldn't have made Team USA. I could tell you the way the sport I loved turned into a place I dreaded going every day. I could tell you how my ex almost got me kicked out of my undergrad. I could tell you how I was put on academic probation in my master's class because I was too sad to turn in work. I could tell you how my Engish professor said my writing would amount to nothing. I could tell you how people didn't show up to my wedding because it went against their religion. I could tell you that I stopped eating when the constant echoes of never being small enough rang through my head. I could tell you a million moments and more. Small and big that consumed and ate away at me piece by piece. How I tried to hide them away. Shove them so far down till I created a new me- a monster to keep them safe. But I'm not that anymore. (Or I try not to be). I tell my story even when I shouldn't, even when my voice shakes, because maybe my story will give strength.
In the words of Olivia Benson: It's not the mistakes that define us it is the choices afterward that do
I am the villain in many people's story. Those who deserve it and those who I shattered when they didn't deserve it.
But I am also the woman made of a thousand different memories that kept me alIve. I am the hundreds of SVU episodes that have woven my soul into healing and grace. I am thousands of words etched on paper that became the way I spilled my pain into something manageable. I am the skater that right after injury made JR Team USA and came home with a silver medal. I am the skater that chose a team that build me to be a better human and athlete. Who found sisters who use encouraging words, hugs, and plenty of ass kicking to push me forward and never let me fall. I am the woman who found the love of my life in the depths of the internet and created a family I am proud of piece by piece. I am the person that was surrounded by friends who turned into family and cheered on every success louder than I did for myself sometimes. I am the athlete who sweats in the gym not to be skinny but to feel free, who eats...and eats because who the fuck cares what I weigh on a scale. I am the one who graduated early with honors. I am the one currently on the Dean's list and Honor's society for my master's degree. I am an author who makes people feel every word as if the story lived and breathed. I am a dreamer, a believer, and a hopeful... holding my heart in my hand to get broken and pieced together a thousand times. I am stitched together not only by the dark but the thousand shimmering lights I have picked along the way.
I am so much more than this year, this month, this day, this moment, this thought. And Mini Benson is healing every day and I'm so fucking proud of me.
So I will continue to scream my story from the roof if it means one other person can realize that there is always a shimmer of light following every dark moment.
