I wonder if there's anywhere to go that makes me feel sane.
Go to work, they make up imaginary profit requirements and call it winning. No one else seems to find this abnormal. Two weeks ago they called it our best year ever. Today we're not making any profit. If you hit a goal you win another, further away goal. Everyone acts like this makes sense. I don't understand.
Sit on the couch, wonder where to start filing bankruptcy. Wish the house was clean but it's not. Wonder if I'll get meds this month.
Go on Tumblr, hoping for I don't know what. It's a flock of ravens tearing each other apart. Weaponized support into attack on each other. Reminds me of being yelled at by my dad - no options to make a good decision, so I shut down. Feels worse than it ever got before, and not a bit necessary. Walking on glass hear just waiting for the next blow out fight, whole tight community's been broken apart, never more eager than now to fight ourselves more. Well, there's bugs I guess.
Out of the bubble of online and it's still worse. Can't keep track for trying of all the wars and genocides new and old, why bother trying to follow queer stuff, it's just bad everywhere. Water's drying all up. Every politician promises this one war will fix it, except the ones that also promise to kill every trans person in their country in addition. Some yawning chasm the blood bird feathers drift uselessly into. The desire of the wealthy and powerful to see this many people die and kill each other, and the people who agree to do so, broke something in me and the parts still grind together.
Can't really do much of anything because I barely have any of my own shit together more than it takes to live through a day. Don't understand how anyone can sustain that much anger when all anger does is hurt when I feel it. It's the most painful emotion I know and it makes me hate myself to feel it. I can feel sad forever, but not angry.
I think about dying every ten minutes, more or less. I'm on so many drugs about it, but those can't make everything around me feel right. I can sit with my partners and feel as if I'm not completely losing my mind. But everything is nothing but a vortex of rage and capitalist double speak. I'm so tired of impossibility of doing anything kind anymore, so I'll just sleep another night and live another day and maybe the next one that comes along will be kinder than the last.
