Akira’s safe space

Minor | dpdr | depression | family issues

[tinyperson00-venting]

Welcome, this is just a safe space for me to unload all of the things I’ve been keeping bottled up for way too long. This blog is mainly just for myself, but interactions are appreciated

main is @tinyperson00

A lot of what is on here may come off as sensitive topics, so please be prepared and keep that in mind. None of what I say is a joke, so please for the love of god do not make it into one

If a post is extra sensitive, I will probably add a cut before I even begin writing the post. Please be aware that what is under the cut is probably something that you may not want to see

[tinyperson00-venting]

I can't do this anymore, my stomach is hurting, I feel like I'm gonna throw up, my chest is burning, and I can't get the lump out of my throat

[tinyperson00-venting]

2 years ago today started my downward spiral

2 years ago today I slipped and fell down into the loop

1 year ago today I wanted to be dead

1 year ago today I thought about jumping

now, I'm finally starting to climb out of the hole

now, I'm moving on

[tinyperson00-venting]

I really wish I had never made any new friends this year, it was so much easier being alone

like now I'm just stressed and anxious again that I'm doing something wrong and I don't know why. Like why can't I just be able to interact normally with people? I seriously don't understand

I'm home sick today after break, and the 3 friends I made were talking in our group chat about classes and whatnot, and some part of me kinda hoped that they'd wonder where I was, but like always, no one cared enough to say anything.

last Friday before break was odd too, because for one, I don't have any classes together with one of them on that day, two another went home sick not even two classes in and she wad in my next two classes, and three the girl I thought I was closest with didn't say a word to me all day. She just kinda sat silently next to me and didn't respond when I said Hi or asked her something.

i keep trying to rationalize it in my mind like oh maybe she was just having a bad day or something.. but it's been gnawing at me all week, like did I do something wrong??

now today, in the gc they're talking in, I was reading the messages and one of them from her caught my attention. They were talking about some test in their class and one was saying how she felt a bit better since the guy next to her was kinda stupid, and then the other girl I was talking about before texted "i need that confidence boost 😞😞 guy i sit next to is so smart and finishes first every time" and then "stresses me tf out"

so now I'm all in my head again since we sit together in math and I finish things like ridiculously fast with almost perfect accuracy since it's my best subject, but does that stress her out?? Is that why she didn't say anything to me on Friday during that class? I didn't feel like I was flaunting it in any way, but does it still make her anxious and upset?

so now on top of my physical illness, I've got this running through my head again..

[tinyperson00-venting]

why can't I ever have good without bad afterwards? It's like drinking something sweet only to get a bitter aftertaste..

I had a sleepover with my little sister in the basement for her birthday, and it was good. We played video games, watched A silent voice, talked, read, slept in a pile together, then woke up and read some more, then watched Earth to Echo, then went outside to read again.

but that was too good apparently. Needed to balance it out I guess- I saw my dad and youngest sister playing soccer, so I thought why not join? So I got shoes on, tried to join them, and asked to play. But it's never that easy. I missed the goal and it ricocheted to my dad, so he kicked it and it went over the fence into the neighbors yard. He told is to go knock on the door to get it back, but I have crippling social anxiety and said I didn't want to do that. He kicked it, so I told him that shouldn't he get it? Mistake. I got yelled at, then ended up dragging my sisters into it too accidentally, so we all got yelled at. Went inside and went to my mom, she got yelled at too trying to defend us. He made all three of us go and do it and yelled until we finally went out. It was alright, but now my hands haven't stopped shaking, and I shut down again. I got back and grabbed my book to head inside, and of course he made a comment saying 'oh what, is your day over now?' And I just said no and walked away. But I can't stop thinking 'it's my fault. If I hadn't decided to play, this wouldn't have happened. It's my fault. My fault,. My fault.'

and to make it worse, I checked instagram only to see my best friend, and only friend, posted on her story a picture of her and 2 other girls having fun on a car trip and playing at a farm with the caption 'road trip with my favorite girls'. My chest hurts. It shouldn't, I shouldn't be feeling this way. But my throat is tight and my chest aches.

I'm nauseous and shaky, my chest aches, my throat is tight, and my head is spinning. I'm being dramatic. It's my fault this is happening anyway. I'm being replaced. I shouldn't feel this way. I should just go away and stay out of it. This wouldn't have happened if it wasn't for me wanting to play. I should've just stayed out of it and watched like I always do. This always happens. I should've just not. It's my fault anyway

[tinyperson00-venting]

no one ever addresses just how bad chronic insomnia can be. I've been suffering with it for nearly 6 years, and in the past 3 it's gotten unbearable

It's like the world is distant, time passes in an instant but all too slowly, nothing feels real, everything is just on loop. I'm tired, exhausted, but can't fall asleep. I'm expected to function on 2-3 hours of sleep at most, sometimes not having gotten any at all. Dark deep eye bags, red irritated sclera, no motivation, cloudy mind, racing thoughts, irritated, distant.

Sometimes it's just silence. Which is odd, my mind is never silent. But it goes silent sometimes, like deafeningly so. I just lay there, body and mind exhausted, but something I can't name keeps me awake. Sometimes it's racing thoughts, never ending commotion, static, painful sounds from every direction. My body cannot handle it, I can't move, I beg for sleep, but my mind is too restless.

[tinyperson00]

Talking with my youngest sister the other day, and she ended up venting about stuff to me and I lowkey kinda lost it and after she finished I went "ahhh! Mamma vents about daddy and daddy vents about mamma and *middle sister* vents about friends and family, you vent about everything, my friends vent about their issues, and where am I!? Stuck! Holding both my issues and EVERYONE else's!" So she kinda froze and then eventually went "wow.. you said you got more pressure than me and *middle sister*, but.. wow. You can tel me tho, I'll listen." And I just kinda scoffed and went "I'm sure you'll listen, but that's not the issue here. There's so much, and too much to lay on you. Hell, I told *middle sisters* about a sliver of it one day a few months back and she started hyperventilating and throwing up, begging me not to die-" she looked stunned and just went "what?? .. maybe not then."

🫠

[tinyperson00-venting]

kinda tired of existing

[tinyperson00-venting]

my parents just confirmed that we're moving houses by September 1st, saying how we have to start packing everything up this week to get ready to leave

please tell me why my chest physically hurts and I feel like I'm gonna throw up tho. We've moved houses plenty of times in my life, so why now am I getting like this?

and it's right before my birthday again too. Right before a new school. Right as I finally started to feel like this is really home. I really can't do this right now.. I'm so overwhelmed and exhausted and I'm in a bad depression episode as well, and everything is just too much

[tinyperson00-venting]

first time ive been able to use tumblr in months, cant read all your posts since i wont be able to use it for long and wont be able to use it again for a while. just wanted to let you know that i think of you extremely often and remember the promise i made you. i still fully intend to keep it.

also happy birthday. i know its not until the 21st, but i wont be able to be online then. just wanted to say i love you so much, havent forgotten about you, and youre still really really important to me, and i like having you around

The second I saw this I instantly recognized who it was, and I still think of you all the time as well. Thank you so so much, really means a lot that you even remembered my birthday <3

I'm glad to hear from you again even if not for long, I really hope you're doing well. Love you so much, thank you for everything you do, and good luck on everything in your life as well

[tinyperson00-venting]

FUCK YOU PERIOD!!!!

show up a fucking week early! Unannounced! And ruin a BRAND NEW pair of underwear again!

THESE THINGS ARE EXPENSIVE YOU FUCKING BITCH AHDHAHSGAHAGSHDHAGAHAG

[tinyperson00-venting]

Depression going hard. And now we're moving houses too, meaning I've been forced to throw out a ton of stuff and pick and choose what I absolutely want to keep and what I'll never see again. The familiarity of my sacred space is now going to disappear as well. I'm being forced to have a room on the main level in the new house as well, meaning no more solitude and safety of being able to hear the people walking above me

plus, as corny an stupid as this sounds, the fact that I'm not being allowed to purchase any more manga is literally pushing me further down that depressive spiral. Manga has been one of my only ways of escape recently, and my vision had deteriorated too much for me to read it online, so I've been rereading the ones I do have. But when I'm forced to pack it all into a box that won't be seen for months, I'm going to loose my mind.

[tinyperson00]

no one ever prepares you for the downside and fallback of never having to study or try hard for anything your whole life, until you finally do and realize you have no idea how to.

[tinyperson00-venting]

Literally gonna kms-

[tinyperson00-venting]

Looking through my pictures and found these two of my eyes, then was like.. I know that look familiar-

huh, apparently my eyes look very similar to Yoshiki and sad baby Hikaru

[tinyperson00-venting]

depressed so hard that you start to question the meaning of life and death ✨

[tinyperson00-venting]

When it gets to the point that my only friend left, the only one that stayed for the past 8 and a half years, finally starts moving on. Texts are becoming one sided, or a one word reply to days of messages. I haven't hung out with her in months, and the few times we did over the past year all she seemed to talk about were her other friends. I was the only one left out from her sweet sixteen months ago, and now she'll be gone the week I turn 16 in a few weeks. I dunno.. maybe I'm overthinking things again. Nothing has been going as planned recently, and the depression is barely being held off by constant distractions and using manga as an outlet to escape reality, but the second I run out, I'm in for a huge shot to the head full of suppressed problems over the past 8 months. I'm loosing my last friend. After her, then I'll really be all alone.. I have no one else whatsoever, and I literally haven't successfully made a friend in nearly 7 years. I don't mind being alone. In fact, I prefer to be by myself. People are a bother anyway, and I hate having to explain myself. Tho, that's just what I tell myself.. I'm lonely. Really lonely. But I can't do anything about it, and I've been in solitude for so long now that people make me physically sick sometimes, and I can't stand the shallow types of people, the ones I've become able to read like a book and see through every single white lie or deception. I can't do this anymore, I'm like a walking contradiction. I swear, I'm not exaggerating when I say that my manga might literally be the last thing keeping my sanity in check and serving as an escape from everything

[tinyperson00-venting]

I'm loosing it again

I really just- I'm so done. I can't do it anymore, I'm done, I just wanna be done