why can't I ever have good without bad afterwards? It's like drinking something sweet only to get a bitter aftertaste..
I had a sleepover with my little sister in the basement for her birthday, and it was good. We played video games, watched A silent voice, talked, read, slept in a pile together, then woke up and read some more, then watched Earth to Echo, then went outside to read again.
but that was too good apparently. Needed to balance it out I guess- I saw my dad and youngest sister playing soccer, so I thought why not join? So I got shoes on, tried to join them, and asked to play. But it's never that easy. I missed the goal and it ricocheted to my dad, so he kicked it and it went over the fence into the neighbors yard. He told is to go knock on the door to get it back, but I have crippling social anxiety and said I didn't want to do that. He kicked it, so I told him that shouldn't he get it? Mistake. I got yelled at, then ended up dragging my sisters into it too accidentally, so we all got yelled at. Went inside and went to my mom, she got yelled at too trying to defend us. He made all three of us go and do it and yelled until we finally went out. It was alright, but now my hands haven't stopped shaking, and I shut down again. I got back and grabbed my book to head inside, and of course he made a comment saying 'oh what, is your day over now?' And I just said no and walked away. But I can't stop thinking 'it's my fault. If I hadn't decided to play, this wouldn't have happened. It's my fault. My fault,. My fault.'
and to make it worse, I checked instagram only to see my best friend, and only friend, posted on her story a picture of her and 2 other girls having fun on a car trip and playing at a farm with the caption 'road trip with my favorite girls'. My chest hurts. It shouldn't, I shouldn't be feeling this way. But my throat is tight and my chest aches.
I'm nauseous and shaky, my chest aches, my throat is tight, and my head is spinning. I'm being dramatic. It's my fault this is happening anyway. I'm being replaced. I shouldn't feel this way. I should just go away and stay out of it. This wouldn't have happened if it wasn't for me wanting to play. I should've just stayed out of it and watched like I always do. This always happens. I should've just not. It's my fault anyway