#depressiontrigger

[thedevilshere]

*****TW: SUICIDE IDEATION*****

a lot of people don't know what it means for someone struggling with depression or suicidal ideation to have that balance - the point of the shampoo & conditioner.

what it means to me is - when i have no other reason to stay alive, i decide to wait for the day both my shampoo and conditioner run out at the same time, and that's when ill unalive myself. i put that hope in an inanimate object and the chances of this happening is not very positive, which in turn helps me keep going even though i wanna give up.

while most days i hate myself and don't wanna live anymore, this thought helps me stay for a little bit longer till im feeling better.

written below is something ive created partially, to explain how suicidal ideation makes me feel and how i cope:

sometimes im exhausted of waiting

waiting for things to align

waiting for the day everything falls into place

and the reasons to die arent all that benign

the day my cuts dont itch anymore

the day my little sister is all grown up

the day my partner is repulsed by me

the day both my shampoo and conditioner finish up

the day i cant bear the thought of another tomorrow

the day all my "friends" accept they cant fake it anymore

the day everything is aligned

and the reasons to die arent all that benign

i will stop holding on

but till then

if i still have some shampoo left

this world wont be rid of me

[claireyfloralnut]

.

When you have cut someone out of your life but still have to see them. How the fuck does one handle this?

[croidall-20-t]

Really???!!!

I got my fucking rag today! WTF BODY?! I have been off T for a month, and the nurse I'm on a waiting list for, STILL, said it usually takes up to 2 months, not the one, but I guess my body decided to be a complete bitch. I am exhausted and running on only a couple hours of sleep. I'm slowly becoming sluggish, light headed/headache, cranky(er), in pain and I really want to cry my eyes out right now. So I have to get my Dad to get me pads/tampons, midol, and a punching bag for when I get home later :). Brighter side of things, last night was fun. I spotted a gorgeous red head that I'd talked to for a short bit off of P.O.F a handful of months back, and was so shy at first I had to get my friend to be my wing man lol. We got to talking after I calmed down a little and ended up talking all night. Turns out she's a very dominant woman, and she doesn't like it when she finds someone else who even likes to occasionally be on top? Oh well ;P ha. Hopefully we get to chill again soon. She doesn't want a relationship right now, which is fine by me. I can see myself really liking her though...BUT I'm not some clingy, childish, overly attached being that can't handle just "seeing" someone; just being in a physical relationship with someone/open relationship. I have no problem with it, unless I end up liking her so much that I get jealous if ever I had the right to be. Moving On. I always seem to find med-school students too, she's 26 and studying basic medicine. Kind of makes her even more hot. scottish/irish/native and just incredibly gorgeous face/body/personality and all.  Now that that's out of the way, I'm going to go die slowly now. Cheers, Riley