I know no one will ever see this on here. And if they do they won’t read it or react. Call me dramatic and join the haters. At this rate it’s a large group. So I can journal safely here.
I started grad school two weeks ago.
I started getting suicidal ideation two weeks ago rigjt before I started. Grad school wasn’t the cause of this, it just happened.
I’ve been on tik tok everyday just trying to a laugh and smile and know there is good out there.
My cptsd isn’t letting me believe it. I’m glad to have school work to do so I can focus on something other then my crippling depression.
Ive been finding it funny that you can say so many things subtly and people don’t care. But if you were gone they’d be saying lies like oh we were bffs. No. We aren’t.
Everyone says don’t ignore your feelings, feel them!
If I felt my feelings I would end up so broken I wouldn’t survive.
I don’t think I could get out of that place.
I know there’s reasons to want to be okay. But lately I just keep thinking what’s the point?
I can’t blame anyone for this this is almost 20 years of trauma that didn’t get dealt with.
I need to get healthy but sometimes I wonder if thst was ever me before?
I’m a excellent masker and even if I am wanting to die I can prove to you that I’m the happiest person on earth.
I’m trying.
I’m trying and I don’t even have the emotions for that.
I want to be here. I think I just forgot how to exist
