#dghda au

[psychosassicvampire]

what if i just hit you with a bunch of cropped wips that never saw the light of day

[wolfonketamine]

dirk gently au but dirk is a mermaid… i love thse guys

[clairebearsparkles]

This was suppose to be a tma au Web!Dirk Gently, but I think this looks amazing outside of that context.

[p1llowhead]

working on some au art,,,, dghda but they met in their 20’s instead….

[roadworkaheadyea]

Posting some of my very first iPad art. Never got around to really touching up but figured I’d post the ideas.

[urlocallesbiab]

ok folks, inspired by This Post (thank you for inspiration and ideas, @agent-p-94/@generalized-incompetence!), i present to you:

brotzly fake dating couple's therapy au; in the form of tumblr messages/a campfire story/an unwritten fic rundown

me: the thing is, they'd PASS

within 10 minutes of knowing each other they'd get so PISSED OFF it'd fill up an entire therapy session

just "YOU NEVER SHUT UP" and "YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME" and "I'VE NEVER MET A DUMBER PERSON" and "I'M SICK TO DEATH OF YOU CRITIQUING MY MUSIC TASTE" and "YOUR DRIVING SKILLS ARE GOING TO GET US KILLED I SWEAR TO GOD" nonstop rapid-fire with therapist barely able to squeeze a "gentlemen, please!" inbetween

and then they'd stumble out of the building and LAUGH, laugh so hard they'd be clinging to each other near falling to the ground, todd croaking that this is the best stress-release activity he'd done in YEARS, dirk clutching his stomach and crying and highlighting the best of todd's insults

both would admit this is the BEST first date ever and schedule the next therapy session

every time they'd spend like 10-30 minutes getting to know each other better, and then full 45 just kvetching, sometimes just YELLING at the top of their lungs to their hearts' delight at the therapist office

agent: The best of Todd insults!!! Omg

They just argue nonstop anyway it's just a space to do that

me: and one day dirk would bring in rings, just plain metal ones (but no one has to know), justify that well, if this is a marriage ruse we might as well up our game, right? but he'd be weirdly skittish and self-conscious about it, like he's overstepping an invisible boundary; but todd would be *down* for it — he would be down for most of dirk's stupid bullshit, it's been so long since he's done any proper good shenanigans, since his life was even half this fun!

and then he'd try on the ring and laugh again because it *doesn't fit*, and dirk would get half-jokingly defensive that he didn't know his size!!, and todd would let him take the measuremnts (bc for what purpose would he know his own ring finger size), and dirk's breath would catch holy and uncomfortably

next time, dirk would get him a good, fitting ring, and it'd make weird things shift in his stomach

agent: OR it would be the RIGHT size, holistically

And he's like well I have to wear it now

And maybe they actually stumble upon something real in the middle of it - Dirk is going full monologue about the dishwasher and he says something and todd stops yelling back and looks unusually affected and is like wait...really? And then they just stare at each other for a minute and Todd is like ...I never knew that. And then they stare some more. And then the therapist is like ummm our time is up? I'm just gonna... Go? And then they're really quiet on the drive home but the next morning they have a new understanding

me: DIRK LETTING HIS TRAUMA PEEK THROUGH AND TODD ACCEPTING IT WHOLEHEARTEDLY

it's silent the whole ride, but just before he drops dirk off (dirk had been BANNED from the wheel since their first date/session) he goes "so, this..... [dryly, as not to disturb, sums up dirk's thing] it's real?"

dirk, usually so talkative, just helplessly shrugs, then shakes his head at himself, then somberly nods a few times, confirming that yes.

todd puts a hand on his knee and goes "dude. this is messed up. i'm so sorry."

dirk just nods some more, tearing up, because even though the words are simple, he's never heard anyone say them, never dared to share, and it hits him so deeply and painfully to be finally validated

he stumbles home, and cries for the whole evening, and feels lighter than usual afterwards

agent: The tragicomedy of falling in love with your own husband...........

me: i think for WORST results they agree it's just a fun platonic thing for shits and giggles before they meet up for the first time

and like, in the therapist's office they're this TERRIBLE couple who HATES each other, and outside of it they're just two guys being dudes, and romance, even fake, exists only in glimpses and doorways, and when the pit of longing opens, there's utterly nothing to stuff in it but stolen glances.

farah is the same therapist's normal patient with actual mental health issues she's trying to work through, and when they meet her in the waiting lobby for the first time they UTTERLY FAIL to convince her that their shtick is real, so they resort to *begging* her not to sell them out, and even though she's really on the fence about the whole thing and is unsure if it's morally okay to do, she gives in to dirk's Professional Puppy Eyes

after a while she gets unashamedly invested and demands they fill her in on the newest lies

maybe in one of dirk's bluffs/"attempts to hone the backstory" he invites himself to todd's apartment to better learn his habits and where he lacks in his homesteading

("well, when do i get to learn what chores do *you* fuck up?" todd asks playfully

"oh, just all of them!" dirk answers nonchalantly

in truth, he just doesn't want todd to see his barely lived-in, depressinly dirty short-term rented apartment. in the time dirk's been here, this city hasn't started feeling any more like a home.

in truth, dirk posted that stupid craigslist ad on his first week here, drunk and lonely and in mood for hijinks and out of his mind desperate for human connection; todd was actually looking for some simple one-off jobs to earn some quick buck, but couldn't resist a Stupid Idea when it dangled itself in his face)

todd gives him a quick tour, dirk half-heartedly criticizes the 3 dirty dishes in the sink and the mildly overflowing laundry hamper, and then for most of the evening they drink beer and play card games with todd's trusty ratty 10 years old deck that misses a jocker and a two of hearts (they decide to forgo the twos altogether) but overall is fine, dirk teaches him a couple of weird local games he'd picked up over the years, then tries to do card tricks but gets half of them wrong, they laugh a lot, todd makes grilled cheese, dirk says that if they ever feel the need to add a dash of appreciation into their sessions — just for some contrast and zest — then he'll admit that he *adores* todd's cooking, todd smiles bashfully and says man that's just some grilled cheese it's not that big of a deal

they pass out on the couch together, and dirk wakes up with a sore neck, sour mouth, and entangled limbs, and feels so at peace and right, and doesn't move, wishes for todd to sleep for longer, just so they could stay like this

then they find out todd doesnt have a spare toothbrush, so dirk has to make do with some gum while todd apologizes profusely

todd's got a shift in the late morning, so they do an awkward half-hug with back-patting, and dirk leaves

when dirk's getting himself a late breakfast at the corner store, he almost buys himself a toothbrush to keep in todd's apartment; then discards the thought; then buys it anyway, but tells himself it's a spare one for his own home, for when he'll need to throw the old one out. he never brings up the toothbrush thing around todd.

also he thinks it's a shame he couldn't brush his teeth, because then he could've kissed todd without worrying about bad breath; he discards that thought even quicker and farther

during one of the sessions, todd accidentaly makes a comment that actually gets to dirk, that makes him feel self-conscious and inadequate and upset

after they've done for the day, dirk asks if this is how todd *really* feels about him?.. todd says no, of course not! all of this is in good fun, just a friendly yelling match. he'd never say *anything* with an actual intention to hurt dirk; now that dirk brought that comment up, todd's never going to repeat it

"you seem like a good guy, you know? i genuinely like you," todd says

dirk feels very very warm

and maybe they sometimes spend time after the sessions too, and sometimes even on free days, just hanging out, relaxed and having fun, enjoying the company

and maybe one day it goes a little too well, and dirk gets a little too brave, and admits to todd that he's started feeling some kind of romantic interest, and asks if he would maybe like an actual date some other time

todd snaps at him.

tells dirk that he's only seen glimpses of todd, that these joke-sessions and little hang-outs show almost nothing of the real him, that he's a *mess*, that dirk doesn't know what he's getting himself into and should back off, that todd's a horrible person who's not worth the trouble

dirk tries to get to him, but todd gets even more defensive, even more closed off, pushes him away, makes that awful painful comment he'd promised he wouldn't say.

they don't show up for the next session.

dirk mops by the building on the scheduled day anyway, because he dislikes his routines disrupted when it's not him doing that, and because he's got nowhere to go, and because he secretly hopes todd will come around anyway (he doesn't.)

he meets farah after her actual session: she's had a Bad one today and is distraught, and dirk suggests they get hammered together. farah thinks it's an unhealthy coping mechanism, but after all of 15 seconds of deliberating she agrees

then she cries into his shoulder about her family and expectations and failed police exams and that she's a *failure* and will never get better, and he shakes her by the shoulders and near-yells that she's AMAZING, and fuck her family, and all cops are bastards anyway! she gets affronted and mentions her brothers and father, then realizes those people Are fucking bastards, then laughs and agrees with dirk and cries some more

dirk spills his entire conundrum, start to finish, only 5 useless tangents for the length of the whole thing which is not too bad of a ratio by his own measures, and farah tells him that todd's bullshit is Bullshit, capital B! if therapy taught her *anything* is that any person is capable of change ("you don't need to change yourself though," dirk pipes up; "YEAH, IM FUCKING PERFECT!" farah answers triumphantly), that this is just stupid excuses for excuses! (yeah!) and if dirk thinks that *farah*, with All her failures and fuck-ups, is not a lost cause (of course not!), then neither is todd! (damn, you're making a point!)

they swap some more personal stories, farah almost has a lesbian crisis in front of him but decides to throw up instead, and they leave the bar mostly in good spirits

dirk sleeps all of it off, but the next morning, even though Severely Hangover, he is no less determined.

he stakes out todd's apartment building (he did drop him off the first time; and even though he doesn't remember the adress for shit after all this time, he Luckes Out [after stubbornly cruising the general area for two hours straight])

and confronts him. tells todd that their friendship has been meaningful for dirk, no matter how little todd might think of it. (todd winces. he doesn't say it, but all of this was close to his heart too; he never meant to come off like he did, save for coming clean as an asshole; he *does* care about dirk, rather unreasonably much.) that dirk doesn't ask todd to give *him* a chance, but give *himself* a chance. that no person is irredeemable.

todd is eerily quiet. he invites dirk in, makes him some tea. sits silently at the table for a few minutes. and then, it all spills out: what he'd done to his band, to his *sister*, to himself; what a true actual hopeless horrible Asshole he is. he gets almost angry halfway through, voice rising, — either at dirk or at himself, it's not clear. dirk sits it all out. tells todd that is isn't the worst it could've been. todd begins to snap at him, but bites his mouth, and just buries his head in his arms, hiding. his head is so very heavy. dirk gives him a small solemn lecture about how past perfomance is not a predictor of future results, how it's never late to just *stop* being an asshole. how he's dirk's friend, how he's been kind to him, and dirk trusts him to continue to be kind, to build his life forward. ("*kind* to you? after i'd said that [hurtful thing] — the second time, *deliberately?" todd is bitter and baffled. "i forgive you for it. that's what friends do." dirk says like it's obvious). dirk places his trust in todd. todd struggles to process all that, he just lies on the table neither crying nor breathing; dirk talks to fill up the space, and to make good use of his trust. he tells todd all about his childhood trauma, in great, visceral detail, like he's pulling his guts out; he starts crying halfway through. todd hugs him really, really hard, and doesn’t let go for a while.

todd promises he'll come clean to amanda. dirk promises he'll start looking into therapy for his cptsd. they promise to each other they're friends, best friends.

they come in for the last fake-session with that therapist, just to tie a pretty bow on this whole thing: to tell them they're finally getting divorced, and will not require their services anymore. poor person breaks with an actual heavy sigh of *relief*.

dirk starts seeing a new therapist — not this one, thankfully; farah recommends him an old one she used to work with. she couldn't quite find a good rhythm with him, but she thinks he might be a nice match for dirk. he ends up being exactly that.

todd isn't yet ready for therapy, and dirk is accepting of that. amanda's not talking to him anymore, and he's *not* taking it in stride, but he's holding up as best as he can, and dirk holds his hand through it.

they do have an Actual Date with Romantic Intenstions — it goes remarkably well, even though they bicker for half the duration of it. it's all in good fun <3

they don't wear the rings anymore, but keep them as a memento; both feel weirdly sentimental about them. dirk does finally buy a new toothbrush for himself to keep in todd's apartment.

farah does end up having a lesbian crisis in front of her therapist, the one that todd and dirk have been torturing. poor soul.

[glittter-skeleton]

All the DGHDA content I never posted:

Pushing Daisies AU where Dirk gets to keep the sundresses

My version of the Sound of Nothing kiss

Alt. version of the time travel thing

[h3rmitsunited]

playing mash the fandoms together and thinking about dirk gently in sandman universe and like okay thematically it makes more sense to have dirk and the holistic being the endless, like bart as death... mona as delirium... rowdy 3 as destruction... maybe Francis as destiny... dirk I guess would be dream because they're the main guy but like dirk isn't really dream esque...

And like if we're going brotzly about it right then we gotta stick them in dreamling which means it works so much better in that sense that dirk is hob and todd is dream (with Amanda as his knows too much sister) and dirk is this vibrant death defying kind hearted kinda stupid guy who wants to be this weird grumpy guys best friend and todd is like nah this is just to win a bet with my sister we're not friends and you're going to be begging to die once you realize how shitty being a human is so I'm not going to try anyways

Except dirk somehow, despite all the weird shit that happens to him (and it's a lot because he's still holistic and todd dream is like... destiny must have fucked over this one because I didn't have anything to do with any of that stuff) and the bad stuff he still wants to live and he still wants to be his friend and something happens idk they get into a fight a la 1889/pier scene and dirk thinks he has fucked everything up and something else happens and todd gets his dumb ass dumb brain rocked and realizes oh shit I can be friends with this guy and actually like... I kind of like him a lot

But then also also also if endless dirk... blackwing = burgess mansion right... like trapped 100 years in the basement with some assholes that want things from you that you can't give them and he's just waiting and waiting and waiting and like Dirk has the range, like yeah he's got his fun and wacky cartoon moments, but he's got anger in him, protectiveness, so much sad (smacks roof* this guy can fit so much trauma) and also then we could have the todd/hob saving dream fic trope where todd breaks dirk out of the mansion

Feel like I'm having big brain moment. So much potential