#diary scribbles

[bitecori]

walking over to ur booth on my tiptoes and handing u all a little lengthy life update scribbled in crayon on a diner napkin

hi it’s cori :D i missed you a lot!

i have not had a grownup drop me off here for a super duper long long time ! i think the last i saw you all it was like christmas eve last year.

it took me a long time to admit to myself that i needed a break from the scene when my last relationship ended. i pushed myself too long too far while heartbroken and eventually i snapped. but my body finally belongs to me again and it took a while to figure that out after being in a high protocol ownership parent/child dynamic relationship for the last five years that ended with betrayal and surprise and i am just really relieved that i was able to grow with the support of my beautiful friends

it’s been difficult and i still feel intense grief at times, but i’m also so proud of myself for not giving up when i get discouraged and being kind to myself in moments of weakness. i don’t think i can wear ankle jewelry any more despite trying. i do feel relief whenever i come home after a late night out and there’s nobody here to accost me for something unfair.

i’m living all by myself in a house and i’m getting a lot better at it ! it was very hard at first when i moved and i did a lot of forgetting to eat and crying myself to sleep. i’ve become a pretty good little caregiver to myself when the time is needed though, and i feel myself distance from survival mode with each passing day. i recently got the backyard landscaped and prepped for gardening, i’ve got this big wooden planter box and a shed too and im not sure what all i want to grow out there!! i also really want to buy a barbecue to have little cookouts with my friends.

after a few months living here my childhood best friend moved into a house literally on the street right behind mine! we have been able to take care of each other in a lot of ways due to this and we often split dinner or cat sit for each other and being able to walk home from hers and it takes two minutes is awesome. it’s helped a lot.

i turned twenty six in march surrounded by my closest friends. we had a plushie themed birthday party. that was adorable, i got so stoned and we played some games and drew self portraits in crayon. it was like an indoor teddy bear picnic! i tried making cake pops and they turned out just as terrible as the last ones i attempted to make in the eighth grade.

the kitties are turning a year old this month! i just got them neutered because they were fighting a whole lot and it was stressing me out since clove is really little still and was easily being overpowered by his brother. their demeanors have basically instantly improved and they went from bickering to playful chasing overnight. i want to throw a little birthday party for them too!

after a brief mental health hiatus, i returned to school and i also want to proudly share that finished my 4 year degree i finished with a gpa just mere decimals under honors, and my graduation is in june :) i felt very beautiful in the photos they took in my gown and i’m going to order a bunch of them to distribute to my irls for their fridges and wallets. i’m the first in my family to finish college and it feels pretty big.

with school being over, i am starting a new job too after graduation that i am looking forward to, and i am eagerly anticipating upcoming financial circumstances changing and how i’ll be able to settle some debts and afford life again. it’s really exciting because my budget has been so tight during this last semester living all by myself. i want new toys and tattoos!! i wanna go out and have a fancy brunch!!

i’ve been casually seeing a very nice butch for a little while that i met at the end of last year. they’re a pet groomer! (deliciously ironic, i know.)

i pushed them away at first when we started talking because i got too comfortable, and knew i needed to excavate all these troubles from my breakup before i involved someone new so i didn’t hurt them too. after some distance we’ve given one another a new chance, and it’s been going well. by no means do i want to get into a serious dynamic again any time soon, but i do like having a grown up to come over and keep me company sometimes. they crocheted me a little bunny plush i named lavender that i really really like. :) this partner held little cori close the second that they were acquainted, and even if i’ve only let them see glimpses of her it’s really special having a trusted adult to color with and braid my hair before bed when i need it.

this time it’s different, this time i get to practice autonomy and learn more about myself through healthy play negotiation and someone else’s experiences. i started my last d/s cgl dynamic at the ripe age of eighteen, and i’ve changed so much since then. i’ve been really grateful for this space to heal and express myself, while making someone else proud and helping to explore and meet their expectations when playing too. it’s been cathartic and fun.

i’ve started painting again and making jewelry! i dragged my easel out of storage and i’ve been working on a series of acrylic paintings surrounding themes of girlhood and religion. i am currently working on one that is virgin mary with a littlest pet shop lamb. i missed having passive creative hobbies! i love getting home to chip away at my pastime for an hour or two after dinner. it’s very cathartic to have a project that is not due to anyone, just driven by personal desire for output. i also want to learn chainmaille but i don’t have the patience or numbers brain to like figure out the patterns for a lot of the weaves. so i’ve been mostly making like beaded charm bracelets and basic metal ring chains.

so that’s basically where things are at! i’m in the weird stasis between school ending and work beginning so i’ve been on a little vacation that consists of wandering around downtown and lazing in the backyard grass, doodling, drinking too much at the pub and playing dress up in the laundry. i’ve met some cool new friends this year, i’ve been able to say yes to things that my past dynamic would have limited me from, and i’ve grown so, so much despite this little body.

i’ve come a long way since all of the heartbreak. back then i had no idea what i was capable of. if you’re still reading this i love you!

returning to this website i always feel embraced. you’re my forever community.

with love and some drool too,

cori

[ozkidd]

bunnies :)

[senseiwu]

Have a motivational Cyrus Borg in this trying time ^-^

[autoerotic-apoptosis]

Gimme a homestuck OC with the MULTITOOLKIND specibus. Give me moment she realizes how lenient the game’s requirements for a multi tool are.

*Holds up newly alchemized sword*

“well this is nice but I can’t use in in combat”

*noticed Philip’s head pommel*

“Wait a second….”

*stife specibus sound*

*That can’t be right”

[whirling-moon-blog]

26 Pages From My Diary

Date:        Right now.

          I am laying down in a big, messy, magnificent black-lit room. The light  seems to me like a loving soul burning itself in a mortal attempt at showing off to me how able she is to remind me of the moon.

         Music! music is immortal, not light. Light comes and goes and the music keeps playing almost everywhere in the world. But I guess there always is light somewhere in the world, too...

Music is the most magical form of communication. Language can be explained and it’ll just bring out an “oh, cool!” out of me. But music... No matter how much you know about how it works its way through our ears, minds, and lives; you are bound to stay fascinated with it. Music has almost always existed; but how we humans turned our attempts of mimicking birds and sounds of nature, to the complex and forever-evolving instruments will always make me think. 

Mating dances...I think about the sexual instincts we have a lot. The peacock attracts his mate by his tail, where he just flashes his colorful feathers before the female. Surrounding her until she mates with him. 

       Maybe we humans aren’t fully conscious about ourselves and how we function. But I don’t even know where I’m going with this. When a woman registers her daughter into ballet classes; she doesn’t  think of it as pushing her child into learning a mating call, but as art. and art, as I see it; is the evolved form of our primitive needs and pleasures. 

       Stargazing! Many animals love looking at the night sky. Animals, even though I’m not sure of the level of consciousness they possess, have souls. In my belief: souls always yearn to return to their creator. I think animals, just like us, are aware of the beauty it holds; realize that there is so much ambiguity and greatness in the naked, dark, sparkly sky. 

       I am laying down in the dark, writing in black-lit neon white paper. listening to Queen and very much enjoying my time with myself.

    If I were to give myself an advice, it would be the following: stay away from the chaos of life. More reading, less dwelling and useless talking. Love yourself, you introverted fuck! 

    I can love myself more than any family or man could ever love me. I just have to spend more time with myself so I can love myself and know myself better than anyone could. 

    I think I was made for poetry. My life is that of whom has no choice but to follow poetry. Some of us are poets who don’t know that they are. They just take the first step into following their hearts and step into a life full of poetry. Those who follow their hearts are merely following the path of divine beauty. Every pain they feel, every thorn they step on in that beautiful rosy garden-surrounded path lead by your heart, hold an amount of beauty that no eyes but of those who are deeply in love can behold it. Love comes in infinite forms. One may love belongings. One may love another. One may love love and one may love life itself. I am a lover of the concept that there is not one creature out in this vast world that hates love. Sentient creature, anyway. I’m not a scientist. 

   I think that there’s more to the being of love than just it being “instinct” or “chemistry”. Those make it easy for us to understand how love works and happens but they do not define it. I really don’t think anyone could accurately and completely define it. 

   Love is unlike sex. I believe that sex can and does accompany love, but it doesn’t always do. I can feel the urge to sex a stranger or an acquaintance but I never feel the urge to fall in love. I have felt the need to be shown love, but never a need to fall in love. Love is a tricky game, but once you’re in love, you know it deep in your heart. No one could tell you how falling in love feels, for it differs from one person to another. When that moment comes where you feel that ghost of a sweet heartache, you just instantly know it. Even with all the ways poets, writers, and those in love try to describe it, only few will deny that love never falls far from the sweetest heartache of their lives. 

   Love is as strong of a power as fear is. I believe that all our emotions are stemming from our two most basic states: Love, and fear. Boom... If you silence fear, all that remains is love. If you silence love, everything dies but fear. All other emotions can only exist in the presence of both. With Love and fear as the king and queen of our souls,  other emotions have the chance to exist. but with the absence of one, the other, or both, the soul grows sick and falls in grief for its lost ruler.With love and fear together we get: 

-Anger

-Protectiveness

-Anxiety

-Jealousy

-Sadness

But aren’t those what make us feel the most alive? Fear and love in simultaneous presence are what brought us from being cavemen to what humanity stands for now.

      Love brought us grief. We didn’t know what to do with it, so we started honoring the dead. Making rules like: only mentioning the delight the deceased brought us in their lifetimes, their good qualities and deeds. Rules telling us what a proper burial is, that we aren’t to be blasphemous to the death and its minions. 

     Cancer, Alzheimer's, and suicide. All are deaths lingering in my life. One’s haunting me, i’m watching the other happening, and i’m slowly cowering away from the third. 

      Alzheimer’s scares me. Being an Alzheimer’s care-giver, all I feel with it is the torment of kissing my dear mother’s welting head, every morning and every night. Sometimes I observe her slightest arrhythmic moves and all of her mispronounced words. It feels like I’m trying to absorb some information from her last page of consciousness. Her eyes are so lifeless sometimes that I feel a level of fear that I don’t usually feel. It’s fear without ambiguity; I’m slowly watching my worst childhood fears taking their time to finally come to life. I’ve always been so afraid of losing my parents, even with their continuous absence. As if the world would end and all it holds will cease to exist on the day God takes them back to him from this life. 

     Sometimes I wish  I could talk about what scares me, but they are far too difficult to pronounce, yet I never stop feeling like I need someone to tell. Almost feels as if I would gain the protection and comfort of the one I tell them to. 

     I should seriously take up writing. I think that I’m an existential person, existence has just always fascinated me. I think I was born with an existential crisis, ha! I always am going through one. Growing up, I always thought of myself as a dabbler, a quitter... But being an adult, I realized that I simply love experimenting. I loved changing who I was as a person every now and then, deliberately adopting new identities as I’m walking through my years here on earth. 

   I might actually be a happy and content person, no matter how grim I tend to get every once in a while. I think most of my problems can be solved if I just spent more time loving myself. Not necessarily by taking care of myself or prettying myself up, but by contemplating! Reading, thinking, praying, expanding my mind: that’s the kind of love and solitude I need in my life. I may seriously need fixing my soul. I need to fall back in love with myself . I haven’t been praying well lately, I don’t feel as connected to God, and my angels aren’t poking my heart anymore. I just need more focus in my life. 

Love, forever and always, yourself. 

[whirling-moon-blog]

Love is God’s language. You don’t get to know God, you only start feeling God himself; but only after mastering love’s revelations upon you will you hear Him calling your name. With all the love your fragile heart could possibly contain; and that amount of love is enough to turn any lost soul to its lover: the Divine.

[whirling-moon-blog]

-What happens when one fears love?  -Beauty in the midst of darkness appears. -But what happens when one starts loving fear? -Life

whirling-moon

[thedraftycorner-blog]

It’s been two months without lexa. When will it get any easier? I wrote this last night in an attempt to get some thoughts on paper. Soon the lines blurred and I realized I was writing from Clarke’s experience as well..