#diary type thing

[agapi-kalyptei]

gaining more self-awareness is a strange process, because you simultaneously realize more and more of your mistakes, but also realize that focusing on them is serving nobody, and sorrow does not equal actual changed behavior, so like

it's been weird thinking about the past few years.

as you grow, you get to realize you've changed and see things differently and admit your mistakes, but also know that just admitting your mistakes and even resolving to not repeat them doesn't suddenly make you a Good Person, or for that matter, even an Average Person who doesn't repeat the same mistakes.

things are different, though, in a good way. I notice myself being more careful with everyday phrasing, sanding off the rough edges, but also being more careful about not making it sound like I'm planning future with anybody.

I think. Maybe that was one of the core mechanics of my fast turnaround with relationship and ability to flirt. It wasn't about compliments or being a stand-in for a therapist or gift giving or otherwise love bombing, except for that thing - finding common ground, latching onto it, and making it sound like I want it to be a part of my life.

Since then, I've made a hard turn in the opposite direction and I'm glad I made some tangible progress. Dating is for the young. I'll leave them to it, and finally fulfill my childhood dream of becoming invisible.

[theemeraldforesthideout]

I spent a whole 6 hours out in the woods today, and I didn’t really do... anything...for all that time, but it went by so quickly. Time flows differently out there. I’d like to say I feel better for it but...well, I mean, I did, at the time, but now I’ve got that kind of post-walk fever-ish-back-inside-blehness feeling. And my head is aching (although the weather is pretty charged to be fair, so it could be that).

I haven’t been very motivated when it comes to photography these days. I took some decent photos at the medieval fair a few weekends back, but everytime I go out to nature...I just...don’t even feel like getting the camera out. It’s just my state of mind I guess. That said, I’m hoping to go to waterfall country (finally!) in Wales in August. Maybe even on Monday (with potential wildcamping).There’s one “secret” waterfall called Sgwd Einion Gam which would definitely motivate me to get my camera out...

[thesorrowfulknight-blog]

Update August 2016

It’s been a year ago today since Albion and I crashed in the arena. For those of you who may be new, we had a bit of a stumble last year where he tripped over some uneven and deep footing while in the canter and we both went down fairly hard. He was fine but I landed at an odd angle on my head/shoulder and ruptured the rotator cuff in my shoulder as well as obtained a severe pectoral tear. Basically that meant my arm was no longer attached internally save for the fact that it was not dislocated. I could not ride for a long time as the jostling from just a walk made me physically sick and a fellow boarder had to ride him for me. Naturally after I started getting back into the swing of things a few months later, there were saddle fit issues that were causing him back pain. So that was about another 4-5 months before I could afford the fitters and another month and a half before I got it back reflocked and adjusted. We did however do some bareback riding while we waited, although I would not deem this to be refined riding. A week or two after I received my saddle custom fitted, it was perfect timing for a leg strain and mucky pastures to make it worse. Naturally he also had to whack his fletlock on something and get a bone swelling right on the joint itself–the movement is now slightly impaired however thankfully the vet did not deem it worrisome.

But I digress…

It’s been a very long road with many ups and downs. My shoulder still hurts and causes issues sometimes, my seat has gone to complete scheiße and he’s just coming back into work from a leg and joint injury. Between my shoulder, saddle fit issues and then his leg neither of us have really been riding consistently nor seriously. Needless to say we’re both pretty unfit lol. It’s so frustrating when your mind knows exactly what to do, how to do it, and when to do it… but your body simply can’t. And it’s not for a lack of trying.

Regardless, we’ve come along pretty far in the past year. We’re still not back to where we were before, but we’ll get there soon enough. Here’s to more ups than downs Chiefy 💪😘🐴✨

[invincible-selfxmade-punk]

I told you I had never done this before.  At least not with a guy.  I don’t know if you were paying attention at that point or if you believed me.  You didn’t answer.  But it’s the truth.  I have huge trust issues with guys.  I’ve come from so much abuse of every kind. And girls.....well girls are more manipulative and they will lie to get their way and break your heart but I know I could fight a girl off if I had to.  You can’t do that with guys. Before I met you I thought I was asexual.  When I had sexual fantasies they never involved ME.  Does that make sense?  Sex was good in theory, terrifying in person. And the girls I did this with?  It was role play and we were both pretending to be guys.  I know that would never make sense to you.  Which is why I am writing it here.

You gave my body back to me.  I’ll never be able to make you understand what that means to me. And I get it:  I’m a groupie.  I am one of many.   I am okay with that. I am not possessive and I’m not jealous because this is not real life.   But at the same time I love you and I am addicted to you and even with three college degrees I cannot put into words how wonderful you make me feel each time you and I meet up.  I will never be able to repay you, but I can try.

[heml-0-ck]

Yesterday was exhausting but good, idk I feel like talking about it so;

 I finally got the piercing, that was one of the first things that happened! Yah, but that was after me and my friends stood outside uncertainly for 5 minutes because we wasn’t sure if they was doing piercings that day. It went okay, I mean... Haha it went better than I assumed. Especially since my friends were watching also so, yano. The awkward factor wasn’t as high as I had assumed. We then wandered, ate, chilled out at one of their houses and then went off to watch one of my other friends performances. Which was okay, I guess. I met up with a friend I havn’t seen for 2-3 years, which was amazing ^-^

All in all, it was a pretty good day. I’m just exhausted now and need to sleep for the next 10 years :D 

[heml-0-ck]

Do you want to know what weird shizz I have to deal with when it comes to my little sister? Right okay, so she likes to take my clothes. Any type of day, she will be wearing at least one item of my clothing, whether I was wearing it the previous day or not. I know what you’re saying ‘that’s no odd’. I’m not talking about that. I have no idea why but she identifies most things with scent. So, because of the clothes thing she knows my scent right?    So basically today she stole my coat. And instantly she sat down and raise the arms of it to her nose and said “Who’s been wearing this, you’re not the only one who’s been wearing this.” ... “No wait, it’s only on one arm. Whp have you been linking arms with? It’s not Dom’s scent... Mia’s?”

She picked up my friends fucking scent, off of the arm of my coat. When I havn’t worn it in a few months. What. The. Fuck

[heml-0-ck]

So, as it turns out there was a small nest of baby spiders in my room that has recently hatched as I now have a bunch of baby spiders just rooming with me... 

[heml-0-ck]

So I’m signing up to this job review site thing, right? And everything is going normal, and then I get taken to this ‘Equality Questionnaire’ which It asks for my nationality (to the T btw, ethnic background and everything), my sexuality, gender and preferred identity and then religious belief? Disabilities and the age group is also listed.

Who knew that sort of information was necessary for a job, Damn.