“Language is a labyrinth of paths. You come from one side and know the way; you come from another to the same place and no longer know the way.”
― Ludwig Wittgenstein
Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #855
Today had a lot of things in it. And it started with my house manager canceling the meeting that was supposed to happen today, 3 hours before it was supposed to start. And given that I had written a big giant thing with all the things I wanted to say (you've read enough of my letters to know how I do by now, I'm sure...), I was... pretty pissed about it. And, especially since part of the objective of the meeting was to lecture us about attendance (because so many people had gotten sick), there was an irony to it that I definitely did not enjoy.
I'll have to show the house manager what I wrote tomorrow, most likely during the break between my shifts. Even if I'm planning on exiting this environment, it will be good for them to know why I'm exiting, so that maybe the environment can be improve.
...So, in essence, a thing that I had set aside a bunch of mental energy for was all of a sudden not happening, and... that was jarring and unpleasant. So I spent a while kinda mentally squirming around. I tried to make myself feel better by playing Pokopia, but... I ended up washing some dishes and then applying for a couple more jobs and then breathing life into both Saturday's and Sunday's wishes, instead. And that took a while.
...I did eventually get around to Pokopia, though, and in it, “you” had a great many adventures. I'll show those to you along with last night's adventures after I got done writing to you, in just a little bit. There was pizza involved, because M decided he wanted a pizza party. It was good:
At noon, I texted An to see if he had time to receive the porcupine plushies I got for him, and/or hang out. He said it'd be a while before he's ready, which was cool. So I busied myself with more Pokopia until J decided that the thing to do was go walking around at a nearby mall; apparently a local Discord group is having a Dance Dance Revolution (DDR) contest in one of the arcades there on the 9th of May, and J, knowing that I used to be an avid player of it, thought it'd be right up my alley, so we went to check it out.
...As soon as J and I parked in the parking lot, I got an email from one of the jobs I applied to. This one is a receptionist job at the sleep center that handles my CPAP and such. It's literally a three-minute drive from my house, and it offers employee benefits, even if you only work there part time. And... I've been there before, because I'm a patient there. Their office... seems pretty chill. I certainly wouldn't mind seeing what it's like to try helping people check into their appointments and such. So I resolved to answer the queries they left me as soon as I got back home.
I played a few rounds of DDR once J and I made our way to the arcade, and... I discovered that, although I am very skilled at DDR on a foam pad at home, I am not so skilled with it on a metal pad in an arcade. It was hard for me to have a feel for my position on the metal pad, and... my timing was off. Despite getting mostly “Marvelous” and “Perfect” on my DDR pad at home, here, the best I could to was “Great” and “Good”. And... while “Good” will keep your combo going, it isn't worth any points, and all my scores were very low.
...It was... discouraging... to say the least. But... I still had fun wandering around the mall with J. There was a store in there that was all about mechs and tabletop games and card games, and he seemed into it, so we went in, and J had animated conversation with the shopkeep there for a while, and it was good.
We went back home. I replied to the email I got in the parking lot, and then... I went to An's house, both porcupine plushies in tow. I got in, I gave him the plushies, and... I told him the thing. I told him that I find him attractive, but that I intend to do nothing with it. I tripped over my words a lot. But... he didn't seem to mind.
...I half expected this to be the end of our interaction altogether; there have been precisely three occasions where telling someone I am attracted to them has gone over well. Two of them are not attracted to women, but we are still friends. And the other is J. Most other times I've told anyone anything similar, they suddenly became repulsed by me and terminated all interaction immediately.
An seems to be aro/ace, from what he said to me in response. And you know what? That's perfectly lovely. Even if he wasn't aro/ace, and simply was not attracted to me, that would also be perfectly lovely. Because, now, with the thing I've been carrying out in the open, and his needs being made known, I can continue showing him care and goodwill in the way that works best for him.
And at the end of the day, really, that's what it means to love someone, isn't it? It's not necessarily about partnership or about being physically intimate. Like with anyone, my primary concern with anyone I love (or anyone at all, really) will always be the same: “am I behaving in ways that are conducive to this person feeling safe and seen in my presence?”
It's a relief. The thing is no longer lodged in my chest, there has been no change to the routine of how I interact with him, and there is no longer any uncertainty about where I stand. I can simply continue to treat him well in the way that I have been, without needing to worry overmuch about how it will be perceived, and... that takes a lot of the pressure off. It feels like freedom.
...And anyway, apparently he already knew. So... I guess today was a good reminder that A: I can't mask for shit, and B: I'm apparently more transparent than my kitchen window. yaaaaaaay. </sarcasm>
All's well that ends well, though; he's been around me long enough that he knows how I operate. He knows I'm not gonna get entitled and weird. He knows my attraction to him has its basis in a desire to express gratitude and appreciation for his character and the contents of his mind, not in a desire to use or consume him. He does not mind that I feel this way for him, because he knows I'm not gonna use my feelings as a weapon.
So... yeah. The things were said. The air is cleared. We will remain friends. And now he's happily sitting on the armchair in our living room, playing Pokopia, on the user profile he made for himself on our Switch 2, after having eaten some wonton soup that we got delivered to our house for him. I feel content. All is right with the world inside the walls of my home.
...Well... except, of course, for the fact that you're not here to share this peace with us. That part continues to be... painful. But that's all right. I'll just keep writing to you until you're safe and happy somewhere. It doesn't have to be here, as long as you're safe somewhere...
...I have to go in to work tomorrow. And I suspect that this week's Thursday and Friday will be much like last week's. I'm thinking that tomorrow will be my last day. I can't keep this up. I can't keep getting jerked around. I can't keep giving it my all, only for it to still somehow not be enough, and to come out the other side of it too tired to do anything else. I almost didn't try the DDR at the mall today, because I had to think about how it's gonna affect my shifts. And... well. Quite frankly, my achilles tendons are already pretty pissed. So... I guess no physical activity for me on my off-days. I feel frustrated in response to that.
For now... I'll make myself feel a little better with the pictures I got of “your” adventures today in Pokopia; everyone here really seems to love “you”, you know. And somewhere along the way, I managed to snag a hairstyle and an outfit that slightly more closely resembles yours, so... I'm pretty happy about it.
First, “you” made a bunch more new friends:
...And then, “you” discovered that “you're” not very good at Bulbasaur's jump rope game, hahaha...
...“You” practiced until “you” got better, though! And Bulbasaur was very impressed!
And... like I said... “you” came across an outfit and hairstyle that's a little more reminiscent of you than previously...
...Pretty good, right? Looks kinda like when you used to keep your hair short, doesn't it...?
...
...“You're” loved and safe here. “You” can spend your time exploring a natural environment that's absolutely teeming with delicious food and friends, restoring habitats, and creating beauty and joy wherever “you” go. I think... I think I'll stick around with “you” in this world for a good, long while...
In any case. It's closing in on 10pm, and I still have to braid my hair and get ready for bed. So I'm gonna do that. But first... I'll show you a couple more of the wishes I breathed to life for you recently.
I love you a lot. I love you enough to try to be brave and do scary things, even when I'm uncertain about what the results will be, like talk about my feelings with people and leave places that are bad for me and filled with people who won't hear me. And... I hope that perhaps watching me do these things can help to inspire you to do the same. Because you don't deserve to stick around in places that exhaust you, with people who have no interest in listening to you or improving conditions. You deserve to be around people who are able and willing to see, understand, and make room for your mind and emotions.
I'll write again tomorrow. In the meantime, I'll have faith in your safety. I'll have faith in your choices. I'll have faith in the contents of your heart. And I'll have faith that someday soon, you'll come home.
