#dilf!jaehyun

[neoculturetravesty]

no one wishes at the snow

Image taken from here.

Pairing: Jaehyun x SingleMother!Reader, Doyoung x Reader Genre: single parent au, fake marriage au, second lead syndrome, angst, romance, one smut scene, some fluff Warnings: 18+, protected sex, oral (male receiving) Word Count: 18k

Summary: Marrying for love was for the fortunate few. Marrying for love happened in fairytales and movies and dramas. Not real life. In real life, everyone married for convenience.

A/N: Would you guys believe it if I told you I’ve been working on this fic since June? I have no idea why it took so long, and perhaps I’ll never truly finish it the way I’d like to. But I just wanted to let it out into the world. Maybe I’ll revisit the story again when the inspiration hits, but for now, I wanted at least one version of it to be out and be free and take life. I hope you guys like it!

Some would call it a marriage of convenience. Others would call it a contract marriage. But you had wondered: weren’t all marriages basically a contract, anyway? What was marriage if not but a contract that could expire or be annulled or be broken? Who really married for love nowadays? Marrying for love was for the fortunate few. Marrying for love happened in fairytales and movies and dramas. Not real life. In real life, everyone married for convenience.

But by any definition of the term, your marriage to Jeong Jaehyun was a marriage of convenience. A contract marriage. Both of you knew what you wanted from it.

You wanted the protection the contract would bring you. Because you weren’t exactly the dim kind. You knew that being a young single mother in this country wouldn’t really open many doors for you. If it was any sign, your parents had been the first one to shut their doors. If your kin was quick to abandon, you couldn’t much rely on the kindness of strangers. Thus, though you had worked hard to survive so far, you had a cunning mind that told you that it was going to be an uphill all your life… unless you did something about it.

Jaehyun just wanted to secure his place in the family business. Because for whatever fucked up reason, his father wanted him to marry. Because old money farts still think that a young man is only capable once he has taken a wife. Otherwise, he is a reckless bachelor that’s going to drink and whore the family fortune away. If he had been just that, he might have actually found a real woman to love and marry. But he’d been too busy working his ass off to have that kind of privilege. 

So you had met through a friend. You had had a series of meetings in which you learnt as much necessary information about one another that would appease Jaehyun’s family and your very small collection of friends. Though no one on either side was fooled, and though everyone could see the imbalances in this union, you supposed you had done a good enough job because a few weeks later, the papers were signed and you had moved into his apartment with your son in tow.

And your ‘marriage’ had begun.

The apartment wasn’t small by any means. It was as decent a two room space as you’d ever seen and it had a sizable living room as the main common area. You liked that the kitchen opened into a little terrace that made the apartment look bright from the natural light. It was comfortable and homey and in a world where nothing felt like home, this was all you could’ve asked for. However, a part of you recognized that as comfortable as this place was, it still didn’t have the luxury fit for a young heir. Perhaps because this particular heir hadn’t inherited the fortune in question yet. It was still better than any place that you had ever lived in, so you never had much to complain about.

Jaehyun lived quietly in his room. He left early in the morning and came late into the night and your only run-ins (if any) would be on the weekends. Otherwise, Jaehyun was good at making himself invisible, even in his own home.

You would live comfortably in your room with your son. While you had pretty much converted your space into a child’s room, you had been a little more respectful of your common areas and avoided visiting them much if you could help it. Your son didn’t mind… your room was already bigger than any place he’d lived in before. It was okay if he couldn’t spend much time in the living room.

You and your son lived your lives, Jaehyun lived his. You did your part of the cleaning, he did his part. You cooked for your son and yourself, Jaehyun cooked for himself (if ordering takeout counted as cooking). You shared the bills, and you paid your bit of the rent. You hardly even ran into one another, and that’s how you liked it. Both of you would stay clear of one another’s path.

But one Saturday morning, your son had woken you early so you had no choice but to get up and make pancakes. Jaehyun usually slept in on a Saturday, so you knew the coast would be clear when you made it to the kitchen. You brought the high chair out of your room and sat your son on it as you cooked and laid out a lovely weekend breakfast for the two of you on the table on the terrace. But maybe you had been too loud whilst cooking. Maybe your son had giggled too much. Maybe the delicious smell of your cooking had flooded the apartment, because right before you could start eating, you looked up to see Jaehyun stepping into the kitchen.

Wearing a white t-shirt, grey joggers and with bed hair sticking out at odd angles, he stood at the sliding door and said, “Oh, sorry. You guys are having breakfast…”

You looked up, “Uh yeah…” you began, “Do you wanna join?” you added, only to be polite because the man’s eyes were fixated on the food.

Jaehyun looked at the spread on the table and you smiled as he swallowed. It didn’t look like the face of a man that would willingly turn down the offer of a meal. “I’ve made way too much, so please,” you added.

“Oh… thank you. I like… I didn’t have time for dinner last night, so…” he said apologetically as he took a seat on the table. 

Since you had moved in, this was the first time that you had sat together like this for a meal. You were surprised he actually accepted the offer. It should’ve felt awkward, but strangely, Jaehyun felt like more of a friendly presence than most of the people in your life. From him, there were never any judgements or intrusive comments about your choices or your failures or your parenting. The two of you could comfortably coexist without the burden of any sort of a relationship (other than the fact that you were married).

The three of you sat in comfortable silence that would only break when Minki would drop his fork or throw a tiny toddler tantrum asking for more syrup and some of your rice. Jaehyun ate heartily and observed you smiling as you alternated between feeding Minki and yourself.

He cleared his throat, “Um, how come… how come I’ve never seen his baby chair before?”

“Hmm? Oh… I usually take it back to the room in case I need it,” you replied as Minki grabbed your wrist to eat a syrup covered strawberry out of your hand.

“Doesn’t he… like… don’t you keep any of his things in the living room?” Jaehyun asked carefully yet curiously.

“Um… there are too many sharp edges and open sockets around… so I usually don’t let him out here unless it’s like this, to eat,” you explained.

“Oh… right…” Jaehyun nodded, looking back to his plate. He finished the last of his breakfast in silence and looked up. Strangely, in this moment, he felt like he should pay for this meal. Like now that he had eaten, he should ask for the check. The two of you never asked each other for favors; even if it were just a meal. All your accounts were even, down to the slightest of things. You were like two distant roommates, who weren’t held together by a marriage, just cohabitation. 

“Uh…” he looked up, thinking of what to say to take his leave. Maybe he could stock up on the groceries he consumed, but saying it out loud seemed a little inappropriate. So, he went for a politer option, “... thanks for the breakfast. I’m going to head out for the day.” 

You politely nodded and turned back to attending to your son. It was an odd sign off, because unless it directly affected the other, the two of you never had any reason to share your day’s plans like this. But as you would learn, Jeong Jaehyun was full of surprises. Because when you came home from work on Monday evening, you saw that the entire living room had been toddler proofed and a brand new bolster chair sat at the head of the breakfast table for Minki.

You hadn’t meant to iron his shirt for him. But you had run into him in the little laundry area of your apartment and you saw him struggling. 

“Um… do you need a hand?” you asked hesitantly, hoping you weren’t stepping over any boundaries.

“Oh… uh, no, I think I’ll be fine. I’ll just be done in a minute…” he mumbled, trying to touch the edges of the iron onto a bit of the sleeve and effectively burning it. “Shit…” 

You set Minki’s clothes down and became a little bolder in your offer of help. “The setting is too high for polyester,” you offered.

“I tried lowering it,” he answered dejectedly.

“Here, let me do it,” you held your hand out and he looked up.

“I can do it…” he muttered half-heartedly, so you just took the damn shirt from him and stepped in to lower the heat on the iron. You reached under and grabbed yourself a pressing cloth and placed it over it and got to work whilst he stood there, a little bashful and a little awkward.

“Uh… did you come here to do laundry?” he asked as he looked at the clothes you had set down.

“Yeah, I just had some of Minki’s things left to wash,” you replied as you pressed over the tricky fabric of Jaehyun’s shirt.

“I’ll wash them for you,” he replied with purpose and grabbed the clothes and headed for the washer, thinking this would call it even.

“Oh, no, no… you don’t have to do it,” you began, talking to him over your shoulder, “And no, no, no, not in the machine, please. I hand wash his clothes. It’s easier on the fabric,” you tried to tell him to get him to stop.

“Oh… okay… I’ll hand wash them,” he nodded and began to soak the clothes in the sink.

You felt a bit uneasy. You weren’t sure if you were comfortable with the favor or not. You had never allowed anyone to interfere in your business. But Minki’s? No one in this damn world could step in and interfere in his business, not if you could help it. As far as you were concerned, it was you and Minki against the world.

But they were just clothes. You had overstepped a boundary when you grabbed the iron from him. And he was only trying to return the favor because that’s how the two of you worked. There were no favors and no IOUs in this equation. So you flipped around almost instantly and pressed his freshly ironed shirt into his chest.

“Here, all done. Let me do this, because you have to use a different detergent and different water temperatures for baby clothes,” you didn’t look at him and took over the sink almost too quickly. But your tone had done enough to tell Jaehyun to back off and take his leave.

“Um… thanks for the help…” he said before he started walking away. If he had learnt anything from this encounter, it was that you didn’t appreciate help when it came to Minki. It set another invisible boundary amongst the many you two had for each other. But if Jaehyun were being truly honest with himself, this one broke his heart. Just a little.

Your workplace wasn’t exactly the fanciest of establishments. But it paid on time (which in your experience was a pretty important factor to be considered) and your coworkers were nice enough. Considering all the other jobs you had to do before, this one wasn’t too bad. Speaking multiple languages had its advantages, but being a translator was mundane and you spent most of your time in front of a computer. The biggest downside in this place, however, was that the office did not have an on-site daycare. Whilst you met up with HR on a weekly basis, begging them to start something that could help, you were also pretty sure that nothing would happen soon because starting an onsite daycare required spending some money and as of right now, you were the only employee with a toddler. Your only choice was to leave Minki in the daycare down the block. It was the nearest one you could find--but it ate up more of your paycheck than you could afford. 

You had considered getting another job to make ends meet, but the longer you would work, the more money you’d have to pay the daycare. You looked for some work-from-home options and found some and you thought that things would start to look up soon. But then you received your actual paycheck, marked down a percentage because the Covid situation wasn’t kind to anyone, and all you could do was sit at your desk, head in hand.

“How the fuck am I supposed to pay rent this month?” you lamented as dread filled your body.

“I’m sure your husband could give you some leeway this time,” your coworker, Doyoung, cocked an eyebrow. If anyone had the slightest inkling about your situation, it was him. He had found out by accident and had been kind enough never to bring it up. But you had almost been relieved that there was someone in this world with whom you could have a true conversation and the poor guy had begrudgingly become your confidant.

You sighed heavily and felt your eyelids droop as they sometimes would in times of stress. Doyoung saw the anxiety physically weighing you down and took pity on you.

“Hey, you could borrow some money from me,” he offered.

“Doyoung, your own paycheck has been marked down,” you nearly yelled at him in misplaced agitation.

“Yeah, but I don’t have a kid to look after,” he retorted logically.

You sighed again, but gave his offer an actual thought. If you borrowed from him now, you’d have to return it. Who was to say you’d earn that amount of extra money this month or the next to pay him back? This was a bad idea.

“I’ll just… let me think about it, okay?” you sighed yet again and realized that you just needed to get some fresh air.

“Okay, but Y/N… try not to stress too much, okay? You can borrow from me and return like, whenever. It’s not a big deal,” he added empathetically as you got up.

“Yeah…” was all you could offer him because your mind was still busy budgeting and crunching numbers and planning.

You mind ran a million miles an hour as you picked Minki up and took him home. You kept thinking about it as you fed him and bathed him and put him to bed. And later, you couldn’t even sleep because your mind was way too active and all you wanted was for it to be morning time so you could get about finding some more work. When you tried and sleep still didn’t come, you got out of bed and took your laptop out in the living room and started to put some rhyme and reason to your thoughts. You made a budgeting sheet and saw how much of a deficit you were in. Once you had everything down, your mind calmed just a little. The difference wasn’t massive. You even had part of your rent. But you lived paycheck to paycheck. You weren’t like those fortunate ones that could tap into their savings when a problem like this arose. Maybe you could find some work to do online to earn some extra cash and make up the difference next month. You weren’t sure how Jaehyun would react to such a request. You weren’t even sure he’d honor it. But you sat in the living room anyway, waiting for him to come home. You thought about what you’d say to him as you searched about for any and all odd jobs you could do from home.

And soon as you heard the telltale signs of the apartment door being unlocked, you shot up to your feet.

“You’re home,” you remarked and realized in the same moment how everything about this may look and seem. But your night was about to be completely sleepless if you didn’t get to have this conversation now.

“Um… yes… I’m sorry, did I interrupt something?” Jaehyun walked in carefully, like an intruder in his own home.

“Oh, no, I was just, um… I was waiting for you,” you said and saw the surprise in his tired eyes. The man wasn’t expecting to come home to something like this, that was for certain. You were usually in bed by this time, and Jaehyun typically dined on takeout or at least cracked open a beer before he went to bed. But you, still up, waiting on him? That was new.

“Oh… did you… did you want something?” he asked.

“Yeah, um… the thing is, um… do you wanna sit down?” you at least had the decency to ask because the poor man had literally just stepped in. He hadn’t even had the chance to take his shoes off before you had caught him off guard. So he nodded and did just that, although undoing one’s shoelaces seems more complicated a task when there is an audience. You had the good sense to look away when you saw his fingers lose their dexterity under your scrutiny. You used that time to take a few deep breaths instead. 

He sat down then, his expression confused and waiting, “Is everything alright?”

“Yeah, it’s okay, it’s just, um… my… my paycheck came today…” you began, taking a moment to think to formulate your next thoughts.

“Okay… that’s… that’s good…” was all Jaehyun could answer.

“Um… because of… because of Covid… it was a little marked down. So, like…” you took another deep breath and centered yourself so you could be a little more eloquent, “... basically, I’m a little behind on rent this month. I can pay two-thirds of it right now. But I’ve found some work and I’ll be able to pay you back the difference with next month’s rent. I just wanted to ask if I could do that. If not, I’ll have to take a loan from a friend, but I just thought to ask you before I… did that…” you finished, losing steam a little bit towards the end as you studied his face.

Jaehyun heard your words and tried to ground himself and really think about how he’d reply. Because truth be told, he was a little bit drunk. His father had asked him to take a foreign delegation out for dinner and he had downed a couple of drinks too many. He wasn’t hammered, but he wasn’t completely sober either. What you had told him seemed to be bothering you, and Jaehyun didn’t want to be the asshole that said the absolute worst thing in times like these. So he thought about his words through the haze that was slowing everything down for him.

Except you didn’t know he was drunk. All you saw was a man that was lost in thought. You felt your heart sinking and your pride swelling, so you said,

“I’ll just--”

At the same time he said, 

“You don’t--”

There was a beat of silence in which you took another deep breath so your face wouldn’t harden to the point of impoliteness. But Jaehyun spoke again,

“You don’t have to make up the difference.”

“Oh, no, I will. It’s just this month. I will make up the difference,” you pressed.

But Jaehyun looked at you and waited a moment before he spoke carefully, “Did your boss say how long the cuts in paycheck would last?”

“I…” you began because you hadn’t actually asked. You had been too stressed about the right now to think too much about the future. “I didn’t ask.”

“Most companies are struggling in this climate. This might keep happening for the next few months,” Jaehyun explained, but before he could elaborate, you stubbornly added,

“I’ll look for another job till then so it won’t happen again. I’ll pay full rent on time from next month, I promise.”

“Yes, but if you get another job, you’ll have to pay more for Minki’s daycare, won’t you?” Jaehyun tried to reason. But the more he reasoned, the angrier it made you because of course you knew all of this, but didn’t want to hear it. Especially not from his mouth, and especially when it came to Minki’s expenses. Who the fuck was he to speculate about the money you did or didn’t spend on your son?

“You don’t have to worry about that. All I’m asking for is a little margin for this month,” you said and you tried to clip your curt tone, because annoyed as you were, you were asking him a favor.

Jaehyun thought about how he was going to make his next offer. He knew you were a woman of pride. He knew you weren’t good at accepting help or any sort of a freehand. So he thought of how to offer help in a way that would make it sound suitable for you. Where you wouldn’t feel burdened by goodwill. But the alcohol in his brain was making it so damn hard to think right.

“Y/N… you don’t have to pay the rent…” he began stupidly.

“I can, just like, two-thirds--” you repeated stubbornly but Jaehyun cut you off because you weren’t getting the point.

“No, I mean… you don’t have to pay me rent while we’re… while we’re under this contract,” he finally laid it out.

“Jaehyun, look… this is just an inconvenience this month. I don’t need like…” you looked away to steady yourself so you wouldn’t raise your voice. You knew he was only trying to help, but you didn’t need anyone’s pity or charity, “... I don’t need your help.”

Jaehyun sat up straight, but instead of taking offense, he tried to choose what he thought was the logical route. “Look, Y/N. I’m not trying to help you. I’m just saying that the both of us wanted some benefits from this marriage. This is my apartment. You living in it isn’t incurring any extra expense on me. Also, we don’t have anything in the contract about rent,” he reasoned.

“Jaehyun. I don’t want to be in your debt,” and this time, you couldn’t hold back the venom in your tone. That made Jaehyun sober up some. And his eyes turned colder, too.

“You won’t be in my debt. Our marriage has to be mutually beneficial, Y/N. You don’t have to pay the rent. But in return…”

“In return?” 

“You’ll have to come with me to the investors dinner. They’ve been wanting to meet my wife,” he looked at you and the ice in his eyes matched yours. You didn’t want his kindness, so be it. He was going to play tit-for-tat. You asked for a favor and he would ask for a favor in return. No debts and no IOUs.

You looked away and considered it. It felt vile. It felt perverse. It felt like you were being asked to offer a service in exchange for a roof over your head. Like an escort, a woman for hire.

But you weren’t Jaehyun’s escort. For all intents and purposes, you were his wife. And from the onset of this union, you had agreed to accompany him anywhere he’d be required to bring his wife to save face. He had promised the same for you, though places you required a husband were far different (town halls and tax offices were definitely not the same as investor parties). 

‘Think about your child, Y/N,’ your right mind pleaded at you, fighting with your pride. ‘Think about all the money you could save for him. For Minki,’ and right away, the ice in your stature began to melt. Why hold onto stupid pride when this was your reality? You were a single mother, you were struggling financially, and your husband was giving you a way out. 

“Let me know when,” you said shortly and went straight to your room, leaving him behind.

That night as you laid in bed, watching Minki’s tiny silhouette in the dark, you cried hot tears into your pillow. You had never thought life would bring you here. You never thought that this is what you would have to do to survive. Why did you feel like you were about to sell your body to a rich man just so you wouldn’t have to spend the nights on the streets with your child? Why didn’t you feel like a respectable wife of a respectable man in a respectable situation?

Because he wasn’t your true husband and you weren’t his true wife and this wasn't a true circumstance. You had just signed some papers that had given you the title of someone’s wife. You had simply escaped the title of an escort based on a technicality. And that awful realization broke you that night.

Jaehyun had the good sense to not comment on how you looked that evening. 

Even when you had stood at the door, waiting to leave, done up all pretty, he knew better than to say something. These days, he wasn’t sure what he’d say to offend you. So he spoke only when absolutely necessary. The fact that you looked beautiful wasn’t going to change that. 

These days, he would try to be as invisible to you as possible, in his own home. You weren’t too fond of him as a companion, that much he had always known. What he didn’t expect was the relationship to sour with age, at least from your side. Then again, you had much more to protect than he did. The least he could do was stay out of your way, if his very presence brought you discomfort.

What he didn’t know was that in the past few days, you had done some repentance. Why were you so prideful, you had wondered. Was it because your pride had been hurt so many times that you were holding onto what was left of it with all you had? Your luck was awful, this arrangement was awful and the situation was awful; but one thing you had realized was that Jaehyun didn’t deserve to be at the receiving end of your wrath. He had never been the one to put you in tough situations. He had always been your way out. Perhaps that’s what hurt your pride the most.

You don’t really remember how you had arrived at this conclusion. Because in the past few days, your emotions had cycled between being increasingly annoyed at him to increasingly feeling embarrassed for lashing out at him that night. The fact that your hormones were raging out of control these days had nothing to do with it. But you had realized that Jaehyun was perhaps one of the few people offering you any type of kindness in this world; and you’d be an idiot to get on this man’s bad side.

So tonight, you tried extra hard to be nice to him. And by the time you were at the dinner, you didn’t have to try that hard. It was nice to have a night out, without work, and without Minki. Earlier in the day, Jaehyun had even given you the option to pick between a few babysitters. He had found them a couple of days ago and despite your stupid pride telling you otherwise, you had been a little impressed. And that feeling had swollen when he meekly told you,

“I, uh… I installed nanny cams around the house. If you give me your phone, I’ll be able to connect them to you so you’d be able to check in on Minki whenever.”

You had given him your phone and when your mind was inwardly appreciating the gesture, you pulled yourself together and asked your brain for a hard stop. ‘You have no reason to be impressed. We wouldn’t need a babysitter if it weren’t for his party,’ you told yourself. But the hard stop didn’t come and you ended up being moved, despite your better judgement. 

And now you were left admitting that you indeed needed a night off. You don’t remember the last time you had dressed up or gone out without Minki in your arms. It was strange to sit and eat the food and actually taste it. Not even the judgmental gazes of the people around you fazed you that much. Because the questions they asked, you had already foreseen.

“So how did you guys meet?” you were inevitably asked. You and Jaehyun had revised this in the car several times on your way here.

“Oh, a friend introduced us,” you replied, and there was truth in what you had said. Johnny Suh had indeed introduced you, though you’re sure he had expected a more traditional outcome from the meeting--that you’d date and fall in love. This strange contract of convenience may not have been on his mind when he matched the two of you.

But you held onto this story whenever you got the question and for the most part, you got through it, even if your traitor eyes kept darting across the space in search of Jaehyun because you weren’t sure you were providing answers that were the right sort of correct. And when he did rejoin you by your side, you felt an odd sense of comfort. How ironic it was that in the privacy of your home, you lived like strangers. But out here in the open, you gravitated towards one another. Perhaps because your lies protected you when you harbored next to one another.

Be as it may, it wouldn’t take a mindreader to tell you what most people in this party thought of you: you were a gold-digger. You were the woman with a child that had bagged a pretty eligible bachelor. You weren’t of a notable background, you didn’t have that fancy a job; just a girl that had shot above her grade and gotten lucky when the shot hit bullseye.

For some reason, this assessment (though no one had been brave enough to voice it) irked you. Because your marriage to Jaehyun might have had several ulterior motives, but his gold had never been one of them. Ironically, it was the other way round--Jaehyun’s marriage to you was to help him secure his fortune. But of course, these people weren’t going to question the young heir. A young single mother without a penny to her name was the more likely suspect.

That was when you found yourself being impressed by Jaehyun for the second time today. Because he artfully switched the narrative anytime the questions got too intrusive, saying 

“Honestly, I’m so lucky Y/N even gave me a chance,” or some iteration of this humble statement that made it seem like he had pursued you rather than the other way round as was on everyone’s mind. Not for a single moment did he allow anyone to question your integrity or your motive or your dignity. He wasn’t stupid. He knew exactly why each power hungry asshole in this room wanted to question you. But he utterly surprised you when he pressed a kiss to your cheek and said,

“I just feel so blessed. I can’t believe I have a little family of my own now.”

You knew it was for their benefit. You knew this was all part of the act. But perhaps you hadn’t been this close to a man in ages, because the gesture made your stomach do a flip and your skin burn.

‘Pull yourself together!’ you mentally berated yourself. But your body betrayed you, even as the two of you made the drive home. This time, you felt Jaehyun’s presence next you in an almost chemical sense. You felt the scent of him heavy in the car. You felt the heat of him as you stood behind him when he unlocked the apartment door and paid off the babysitter. 

And you realized. He was a man. The person you lived with under the ruse of a marriage… he was a man. And you were a woman.

Truth be told, you hadn’t been with a man since Minki’s father. But you were a woman. And Jaehyun was a man. And your hormones had been raging. 

What difference did it make? You were married, anyway. What difference would it make if you just…

If you just what? What would you even do? What would you even say? You had spent most of your marriage pretending he didn’t exist. And this had amplified in the past week after you’d lashed out on him. So, how on earth were you going to bring this up?

Were you honestly considering sleeping with the man you’d near-insulted in his own home? You were right. You were horny out of your right mind. You just needed to take a cold shower and call it a night.

“I’ve been thinking…” Jaehyun’s deep voice reverberated in the air between the two of you and broke through your lewd thoughts.

“Hmm?” 

“Umm… the thing is… I’ve been going through our contract…” you notice Jaehyun shuffling his feet a little.

“Oh?”

“Yeah… just for, like… just to review some things, and… I was just like… looking at some cases and… I just think, legally speaking, that our contract--our… our marriage has some loopholes. I just mean that there could be a time where someone might… although I don’t know how they would, but someone could… you know, there's always people looking in. And like, a contract is only as strong as the details, and someone could question… although, I don’t really know how, but I think we should do something about it,” by the time Jaehyun finished, his ears were burnt a bright red, like he was embarrassed at how poorly he had communicated what he wanted to say. Nothing he said made sense.

But you weren’t an idiot. You knew exactly what he was saying. Your body knew what he was saying. The heat in your core knew what he was saying. Perhaps your pride is the one that spoke, because it wasn’t prepared for the consequences of being wrong.

“I’m not following…” you played tactfully dumb.

“I just mean… our marriage is voidable, because… because well… it… we’ve got to,” Jaehyun looked away, the rest of his face burning with his ears, “Nevermind. We can discuss this in the morning.”

But you didn’t want to wait for the clarity that morning would bring. You didn’t want to wake up and realize how awful an idea this was. You didn’t want the endorphin rush the night out together had brought in to disappear and put you in your right mind. You were a woman and he was a man. And you both wanted sex. So just as he turned away, you grabbed his hand.

“Do you have a condom?”

“Yes, in my medicine cabinet,” Jaehyun replied, too quickly, too eagerly. You almost smiled at his reaction, but decided to nod your head instead. 

“I’ll see you in twenty minutes?” 

“Yes… yes, please… take your time,” Jaehyun answered and respectfully waited till you went in and closed the door to your room. 

Your heart was racing. You allowed yourself to lose your composure for a few moments just to pull yourself together again. You held a hand to your heart to help you breathe. This was a bad idea. This was a very bad idea. But there would never be a better time, or a better opportunity. You didn’t have work in the morning. Your son was fast asleep. Your chores were complete. Your bills were paid.

But most of all, you were a woman in need and he was a willing man. He was a safe man, a man whom--despite your strange arrangement--you could trust. He was a decent enough person, he had never disrespected you, and the two of you were in the safety of your own home. In the grand scheme of things, this was all that was required of a prospective sexual partner. It’s not like you could curb your hunger in other ways. You hadn’t dated in three years. You weren’t brave enough for one night stands with strangers. This was as safe a risk as you could take.

Before you knew it, your body had made up your mind because you were headed to the bathroom. You needed to wash up. Thank God you had just shaved this morning. You ran a washcloth under your arms and between your legs and nearly burnt your face off half to death when you opened your underwear drawer and realized that Jeong Jaehyun was going to see you in one of them. You picked a relatively safe one. Not that you had sexy lingerie anyway. But you put it on with your face still burning hot and a nightie over it and a dressing gown over that. 

‘This is happening,’ you said to yourself as you swiped a fresh coat of tint over your lips. By the time you went out and knocked on his door, your heart had calmed some. This was a need, just like food or water or air. You were a woman, and you just had a need. There was nothing wrong with having a need.

Jaehyun opened the door then with an awkward “Hi,” and let you into his room. He closed the door.

You had only seen his room once or twice, and you could tell that in the time you were washing up, he was cleaning up. He had lit a single scented candle (probably the only one he owned) and laid out a bottle of something with a couple of shot glasses.

“I thought… just in case we needed some courage,” he said, carefully pouring the drinks out. He held the glass out for you and you gladly accepted it, downing whatever it was in one go. And it did the trick because you cut off Jaehyun in the middle of his sentence and captured his lips with yours. You needed less talking and more action, because you were convinced all the talking was going to make you change your mind.

And Jaehyun put his arms around your shoulders because he’d just been meaning to ask you how you wanted to go about this. Whether he could even kiss you, or whether it was off limits. He doesn’t know why that had occurred to him. But nothing about the two of you was traditional. You were married, but you weren’t a couple. You lived together, but separately. You were in one another’s lives, but you were not. So, who was to say if you wanted the sex, but not the kissing? 

But here you were, and you had taken the lead. It had always been your choice. It was always going to be your choice. Jaehyun knew you were always going to set the boundaries in this relationship. And you were going to set the pace tonight.

And set it you did. You kissed him while the alcohol ran in your veins and added fuel to your desire. You smelt the aftershave on him. You inhaled the cologne on his neck. Then you stepped away and turned your back to him. For a moment, he wondered if you had thought better of it and were leaving. Then he saw you pull at the tie at your nightgown and flip the lights off and turn back to him, just in time for Jaehyun to catch sight of the satin against your delicate skin. 

You wondered if you needed another shot, but this was okay. He was letting you set the pace. You felt in control of the situation. This you could manage. You didn’t need the alcohol. So, you pulled him in by the back of his neck and kissed him again. You stood on your tiptoes and kissed him till you believed, truly believed that this was happening.

“You have the condom?” you breathed out and Jaehyun stuttered a bit, taken aback that it had come to this so quick. He felt something he had experienced as a child when he had to speak into a microphone in front of the entire school. It was stage fright. It was performance anxiety. Because he wasn’t sure if he could perform his best tonight--it had been far too long since he had done this sort of thing.

“Uh, yeah, it’s right there…” he pointed to the nightstand next to the drinks.

“Okay… do you need some help?” you looked down at his crotch almost inconsiderately and he felt his ears burn. 

“Uh, just… give me a moment…” he muttered, and now it was his turn to turn his back to you. He unzipped himself quickly and tried to pump his semi to full hardness. He tried to hold back the grunts, but he felt your presence behind him. You had found the lube on the nightstand and had slicked your palm with it.

“Here, let me…” you said and took him in your hand and Jaehyun didn’t have much time to react. He closed his eyes and his head fell back of its own accord and he bit his bottom lip just to suppress the keen he knew he’d let out.

Fuck, he didn't remember the last time a girl had touched him this way. This was much, much sweeter than his own left hand that had been his only companion for way too long.

“Here, sit down,” you offered and he nodded. You both sat at the edge of the bed; your face was focused as you worked on him, pumping him with purpose. Pumping him for a function. And then, what you did next took him utterly by surprise and he didn’t have time to bite back the trembling moan that escaped him. Because you had taken him in your mouth at the tip while your hand pumped the rest of him.

You hadn’t meant to blow him. You had decided you wouldn’t do that when you had come in. But he looked like he needed help. Maybe he needed more time to ward off the nerves and get hard enough, but the selfish part of you wanted to keep things rolling. Perhaps you wanted to keep things as functionally motivated as possible. Like this union. Like what had brought you to his bed in the first place. A primal need, and a voidable contract.

For what it’s worth, he looked like he was enjoying himself. Because he wasn’t stopping you, and he was moaning out. What man wouldn’t enjoy being sucked? You were doing him a favor. 

When he looked and felt hard enough, you stood up to rid yourself of the gown, and he sat up to regain his breath. He held his cock at the base for some respite and pressed his lips together to suppress the groan that would escape at seeing your lipstick stain around his leaking tip. How did you want to do this, he wanted to ask, but his mind was eased because the next thing you said was,

“Can I be on top? I just think it might be easier.”

“Yes… yes, of course. Um… do you mind if I… um, scoot up a bit?” Jaehyun wasn’t sure what he’d do with himself if you rode him just like that, seated at the edge of the bed. He wasn’t sure he’d last. He needed to sit back and relax himself. 

“Yeah, good idea,” you muttered and climbed in his bed with him. 

This was it. The point of no return. There was no going back from here. Maybe you should’ve taken that shot. But now Jaehyun was sitting back against the headboard and his cock was laying heavy against his belly, staining his shirt in precum, and you’re not sure you could resist. So you joined him and lifted his shirt over his head. 

He was more built than you realized, and you let your mind focus on that to chase away the nerves. He was a man. He wasn’t just your flatmate or contractual husband. Right now, he was a man with an aching cock and a chiseled chest. You’d never known a man to willingly turn down sex. You weren’t being selfish in your need. You could tell he needed this, too, gentlemanly as he was being.

You handed him the foil and he took it, as if remembering this was something that had to be done. Or had he expected you to cover him? You weren’t sure. But you needed him distracted so you could rid yourself of the underwear under your nightie. And when all was set, you straddled his lap. You held his length. You gripped at the sheet. You gasped. And you tried.

Jaehyun, who had his eyes shut in preparation, heard the effort in your gasps.

“Do you need help?” he offered, sitting up and almost reaching with his fingers to your core but you stopped him.

“No, it’s just… it’s been a while. Just let me…” you reached a hand under your nightie and rubbed yourself some, careful not to moan too much. Not to let yourself go too much. 

“I can…” Jaehyun reached again, wondering if his touch would work on you like yours had worked on him. But you weren't as generous as he had been.

“No, I got this. Just hold on,” you grabbed his length and rubbed his tip along your slit, as if to appease him, as if to show him that you were taking his help well enough. Jaehyun held himself at the base with one hand and placed his other hand respectfully at your waist, to offer any sort of help he was allowed. Then he finally felt your warmth on him as you began to open up to him. 

You couldn’t help it. You brought your hands to his shoulders and he brought his hands to the curve of your hips. You couldn’t hold back the first few gasps, but neither could he. Here you were, two people who hadn’t known intimacy in much too long. Two people that were married to one another, no less. Rusty and struggling, but finally making it.

Jaehyun’s eyes squeezed shut again and he tried his best not to move. To let you set the pace. But you were so fucking tight. Your warmth was making him feel things his hand could not. How amazing it was, being this close to an actual woman. He didn’t realize when his fingers started digging into the flesh of your hips or when you started moving on him faster.

You were gasping shorter, and Jaehyun opened his eyes, just to take it in. Your eyes were closed, your lips parted. You were moving your hips on him so sensually that for a moment, Jaehyun was pretty sure he was going to come right there and then. How amazing it was to see you in this way. It was strange; Jaehyun felt like a peeping Tom, though he was just as part of the act as you were. Then why did looking at you on top of him feel so perverse?

You felt good. It was nice to feel like a woman. To acknowledge you had a sexual appetite. And to have the hunger be quenched in a primal way. To do it in a safe space, with a safe man, with no consequences. It wasn’t a crime to sleep with your husband. What was marriage if not sex and a contract? This was fine.

“I’m just gonna…” you slowed your pace a bit just to rub your fingers on your clit. You needed to get off because you could feel Jaehyun coming to the brink. 

“Do you want me to…” Jaehyun asked, and as if on instinct, you almost turned him down once again. But you needed more. You needed the touch of a man just as much you needed his cock, no matter how much you were denying it. You nodded so you wouldn’t have to admit it in words and Jaehyun brought his thumb to your nub and rubbed.

That did it.

You trembled and held his shoulders in your grip and released yourself. You felt the pleasure coursing through your belly, and if you smiled through the orgasm, you didn’t stop yourself. It felt nice, to finally feel euphoria in this way.

It didn’t help Jaehyun that he felt your wetness coating him.

“I’m gonna come,” he warned so you’d get off of him and he could pump himself in his hand and empty himself into the wrapper. You watched his seed cloud the thin skin of the condom and you felt another curious need in your belly. But you looked away and let him finish.

The two of you sat there for a few moments, just to thin out the dense haze of sex in your beings.

‘So that happened,’ you thought to yourself. You turned to sit at the edge of the bed and slipped your underwear back on and heard Jaehyun zip himself back up.

What now, you wondered. Do you cuddle? Do you kiss goodbye? Do you thank one another? None of it made sense.

“If you want to--” he began.

“I should--” you harmonized.

Then you got up. 

“I should shower and go to bed,” you spoke.

“Alright,” Jaehyun said gently, then got out of bed, almost as if to see you out. “Let me know if you need anything,” he said, though he didn’t know what he meant by that. It felt wrong to just let you go like that, so unceremoniously. You had just had sex for the first time. Surely, there was something he could do to put you at ease?

“Good night,” was all you said as you took your leave. And perhaps the only thing he could do to put you at ease in this moment was to leave you alone.

It’s not that simple. It is never that simple.

Perhaps it’s why the two of you started consummating your marriage more often than you realized. It couldn’t possibly have been as simple as a one-off. 

After that night, the two of you had been far too disappointed in how you had performed. You tried not to be too irrationally upset at yourself. Neither of you had been intimate with another person in far too long… being as rusty as you were would almost be expected. So, perhaps you both wanted a chance at redemption, and thus you found one another again. 

As it turned out, practice did indeed make perfect. Because your next few times were much less awkward than that painstaking first time. The next few times started to feel more natural as your bodies started to learn more about one another and you discovered what the other liked and disliked. You have no idea how you had come to this place in your dynamic, where you were finding yourself in his bed over and over again. But who were you kidding? You were usually the one to instigate this conversation each time. Waiting for him to return home from work and then following him to his bed. Texting him in the middle of the night to ask if he was still awake and then knocking on his door when he would say that he was. 

Now, Jaehyun wasn’t just providing you a roof over your head, or the protection that came from this marriage. He also provided sex when you had the need. Jaehyun had never turned down any request you had made before. And he was hard pressed not to turn down any request you made of him now, though the nature of your requests was becoming consequentially more unspeakable. Still, he never denied you and invited you to his bed every time you asked till the most carnal parts of you were satisfied.

One night, you had felt so spent that you collapsed on his chest and didn’t realize that you had knocked right off till the sound of Minki’s crying in the next room woke you up. You had never spent the night in his bed before that, and you were careful not to since then. But it happened on yet another night and you were woken up in exactly the same manner, only this time, Jaehyun whispered,

“I’ll check on him. You keep sleeping,” and shot up. You’d been so goddamn tired that night, that you allowed yourself to make this mistake, at least for one night. You allowed Jaehyun to check on your son while you got uninterrupted sleep, and uninterrupted sleep is often the greatest favor one can offer a young mother. 

And that was the night Jaehyun realized that you were starting to trust him just a little more. Because you had never let him help out with your son before. As he picked Minki up and the boy easily laid his head on his shoulder, Jaehyun felt the sort of warmth he had always craved his entire life. Was this what it felt like to be a father? To be a husband? He wasn’t sure, but he never wanted to let this feeling go.

He softly paced and rubbed the little boy’s back till he went back to sleep. For the first time in his entire life, Jaehyun finally felt like he had a family. He tucked Minki in and went back to lay next to your sleeping form. He moved a strand of hair away from your face, just so he could look at you. You were his family. You and Minki. Jaehyun vowed to protect the both of you in heart, not just in contract. 

But that’s what it was, after all. A contract marriage. Because a few days later, you came up to him with a request he hadn’t expected. 

“Could I have the number of the babysitter you called that day?” you asked.

“Sure, I’ll text it to you. Why do you need a babysitter?” he asked, though he wasn’t sure if he was out of line in asking the question.

“Um, I… I’m going out for a drink tonight,” you replied.

“On your own?” Jaehyun asked out of curiosity. It was the most intrusive conversation he had had with you, ever. 

“No, with Doyoung from work.”

Jaehyun didn’t ask any further questions after that. 

He had been right. It was always going to be your choice. You may live together. You may be married by law. You might have sex from time to time. But in your equation, it was still not enough to make you a couple. Because you still hadn’t decided if you were a couple let alone made that request of him. And Jaehyun had never turned down any request you had ever made.

It wasn’t exactly the first time you and Doyoung had grabbed a drink after work. It was just the first time you had done so on a weekend, where it was just the two of you. He had asked, and you had no idea why you had said yes. Perhaps because you were an awful person. Because you knew saying yes would lead him on, but you did so anyway just so you could have a break from your life.

You were developing a wonderful knack for using the people around you. It had started with Jaehyun and when you experienced how good it felt, it escalated to everyone around you. You saw what men wanted from you and you began to weaponize your sexuality. You used Jaheyun’s loneliness against him to get what you wanted--sex or anything else. And you used Doyoung’s crush on you against him to give yourself a few hours of respite. 

In a fucked up way, you had justified your use of these men. Because you were just giving them what they really wanted, and they were pretty selfish in those needs, too. Doyoung pretended to be your friend, but he clearly had deeper expectations despite knowing your situation. He couldn’t possibly be nice to you out of the kindness of his heart. No man offered kindness to a woman without wanting something in return. Saying yes to his date was just going to bring you a welcome change of pace. And in return, he’d also get what he wanted.

He had taken you to a nicer bar, not your usual place, just so the two of you could feel you were on an actual date, not just a hangout after work. You actually enjoyed yourself some. Doyoung was easy on the eyes and had a pleasant enough personality, even if he tried too hard sometimes. You supposed you had been using him even before saying yes to this date. He was your only confidant, the only person you’d talk to about your situation, even though you could tell he had a crush on you. But you were lonely and he heard you, begrudgingly or otherwise. You’d tell him most facts about your arrangement, though you hadn’t told him that you’d started sleeping with your contract husband. That was a fact you were only going to admit to yourself.

When you left the bar and started walking down the street together, you felt Doyoung reach for your hand. And you gave it to him. When he asked if you wanted to go to his apartment for some tea, you said yes. You had no idea why you were being so reckless.

But here you were. Leaning on the edge of the kitchen counter of your coworker, in an apartment where he lived alone. The risk of the unknown was fueling your veins with adrenaline and suddenly, you wanted to play with fire. You should’ve seen it coming when he leaned in to kiss you. You had almost taken him by the hand and led him to this moment. When his lips touched yours, you even kissed him back. You were drunk in the power you had over this man.

‘Stop it. Stop it right now!’ your mind screamed at you. But your body had other ideas. Your body allowed Doyoung to grab your wrists on the kitchen counter and lean over you and kiss you. Your body accepted as his hands started travelling up the dip of your waist. Your body even let out an inviting exhale as his lips moved down to the side of your neck. Wouldn’t it be nice? To be bent right over this counter and be taken by this man? He liked you well enough. He wanted you. He had maybe wanted you all this time. You’d make him a happy man and you’d satisfy your hungry body. He might still like you at the end of it.

Or he might think you’re an easy woman who lives with a contractual husband and spreads her legs for any man on the first date. 

It was your pride that pushed against his chest and pulled him off.

“Doyoung…” you looked away.

“Sorry…” he whispered, inhaling then pursing his lips together. Like he wanted to say something else, but was trying real hard to hold himself back. You searched his face, because for what it’s worth, you didn’t want him to be upset with you. You didn’t want to lose your only confidant. So you offered,

“I’m married…” but it was maybe the wrong thing to say because Doyoung basically exploded at you.

“You don’t even love him! It’s not a real marriage!” he stepped away from you and ran his fingers through his hair in agitation.

“Doyoung…” you reached for his arm. He didn’t flinch away, which could’ve been a good sign. But when he spoke, his voice seemed strained. Like he was holding back tears. 

“I could make you happy,” he said.

Fuck. 

You finally realized that you had gone too far in your stupid game. As if in a sudden moment of clarity, you realized that he was an actual human being. And you’d been toying with his feelings. You hadn’t known how deep his feelings went, but toy with them you had. 

You looked at him regretfully. “No one can make me happy, Doyoung.”

“You know I’d try,” he said and this time he moved away from your touch and put some space between the two of you. “I could try keeping you happy… and Minki…” he spoke with the face of a brokenhearted man. Your heart clenched. It was nice to know you still had a heart after all you’d been doing. 

“You deserve so much more,” you shook your head. It made him scoff.

“I don’t know what I deserve,” he whispered, then stormed past you and into his room. He slammed the door shut.

You returned home that night, feeling like shit. For the first time in a long time, you felt like you needed comforting. So, after you had put Minki to bed, you sent Jaehyun the inevitable text.

‘Are you awake?’ you texted, and you waited.

‘No,’ he replied.

You stared at the message.

‘No,’ it read. A simple word. He had refused you. In one simple word, he turned you down. How strange this word felt, how curt, how novel. Jaehyun had never told you no.

But Jaehyun was another man whose heart you were hell bent on breaking. Guess he was smarter in how he protected it.

What was it that people said about the taste of your own medicine? It couldn’t possibly be sweet. Because you experienced the bitterness of it in the next few days to come. Your days became lonely but your nights became lonelier. 

If you were being honest, you felt the bitterness most from Doyoung. Perhaps because you had been more cruel to him than you’d been to Jaehyun. You realized now that the man genuinely liked you by how badly his pride had been hurt. He spent the next few days staying out of your way. He didn’t stop by your desk with a morning coffee for you. He didn’t ask if you wanted to have lunch together. He didn’t come along to any after-work gatherings if you were in them. He turned his cheek if you ever crossed paths. He pretended you weren’t there to the point where it became obvious to your other coworkers that the two of you had a falling out. Of course, in this twisted world, there was only one reason for a man and a woman to have a falling out, or at least that's what the rumors around you started to say. You would’ve been annoyed had the rumors been wrong. But they were all true. Doyoung did nothing to stop them. He wasn’t obligated to anymore. He used to be the one person who would always come to your defense if you ever became the victim of gossip or intrusive questions. But you had freed him of that obligation. He wasn’t your friend or your confidant anymore. Your arrogance had made sure of it.

You almost wanted Jaehyun to dose you with venom of the same potency that Doyoung was giving you. But you weren’t so lucky. Because Jaehyun’s idea of giving you the cold shoulder was a little more mature. All he really did was restore your relationship back to how it used to be before you began warming his bed. As if all those nights spent in heat beneath his sheets hadn’t even happened. Like you had never bared your bodies to one another, like you were back to what you were supposed to be. And what you were supposed to be was two people living under the same roof, practically as strangers because of whatever fucked up contract that was going to mutually benefit the both of you. That’s what you had wanted, wasn’t it?

Despite your better judgement and your ever present pride, you had in fact asked him for sex a second time since he had refused you. And you had been turned down yet again. How strange it was, losing that power over him. Over both of them. What illogical power trip had you been on in the first place that made you treat these men like the dirt on your shoe? How did that power even come to you? Did it come with the security of a roof over your head? Did that come from knowing that you’d finally given your son a better life? Did it come from you finally having the luxury to think beyond the primal need of survival? Was this who you were when you weren’t destitute and struggling?

Funny thing was, your libido didn’t even bother you since the second time you got turned down. How peculiar it was that just a few days ago, you had considered getting sex from two different men in the same night. It was a stranger discovery knowing that perhaps you felt this way because… you didn’t want sex from any other man. Because Jaehyun had never thrown any of your weaknesses in your face. Despite refusing you, he let you keep your dignity. You weren’t sure many other men would offer you that much slack.

It was in the way your heart did a somersault when he knocked on your door one evening. You all but jumped to answer, but didn’t know what to say when you saw his face, this up close after a long while.

“I’m sorry… did I interrupt something?” he asked, as politely as ever.

“Oh, no, we were just playing with crayons,” you looked over your shoulder to see Minki scribbling away.

“Oh, okay. Um, the thing is, I wanted to ask you something but I didn’t want to do it over text. It was kind of important,” he began and he spoke with purpose.

“Everything okay?” you asked, the awkwardness you felt being chased away by concern.

“Yes, actually. So, my father’s Will Signing is next week,” he began.

Oh. 

“My entire family will be there. Um… you have to come with me,” he said the last bit with some discomfort, perhaps because the way he put it made it seem like you didn’t have a choice. You didn’t, not in this case.

“Of course…” you said in maybe the softest tone you had ever taken with him.

“Great. I’ll send you the details,” he said and nodded as a sign off. But just before he turned, something came over you and you took his hand.

“Jaehyun…”

“Hmm?” he didn’t look at you.

“Are you… okay?” you asked, tipping your head to the side, just so you could see his face. This was a big moment, one he had been preparing for for as long as you had known him. How did he feel?

He inhaled for a brief moment before he turned his head to look at you. “Yes,” he nodded with politeness. And then he disappeared into his room.

A week later, you sat beside him in the presence of his family and his lawyers and his witnesses and God and saw as his wealthy father signed his will and declared Jaehyun as the inheritor of his business after him and the new CEO of his company. You stood by him as people thumped him on the back and congratulated him (for whatever reason). You saw as people smiled at him with daggers in their eyes. You bowed politely when his father told you that you’d made an honest man out of him and you smiled and nodded when his mother spoke of the responsibilities that came with being the “first lady” of the Jeong Group of Companies. 

It was a bizarre evening, and when the drink and food started rolling out, you weren’t sure this was something to celebrate. Everyone in here was a vulture that wanted a piece of whatever they could scavenge after this man died, and they did so whilst eating and drinking away in luxury. Your husband, so to speak, had now been placed at the top of the food chain, with the first call on the body and the biggest chunk of the meat. You supposed you should be happy.

But as you drove back home with him that night, you stared out the window with an uneasiness in the pit of your stomach that wouldn’t go away no matter how much you tried. These feelings were familiar because they used to be your constant companions before you met Jaehyun. You felt the uncertainty about what the next day would bring. You felt the guilt of being a lacking mother to your son. You felt the shivering anxiety of an undetermined outcome.

Because Jeong Jaehyun was now legally the inheritor of the Jeong Group of Companies. He had received what he had hoped he would get out of this marriage. He had no reason to continue on with the contract anymore. And that knowledge filled you with dread deep in your bones.

Minki had always been a good boy. By any definition of the phrase, you had lucked out. This boy ate well, played well, slept well and lived well. He very seldom threw tantrums you couldn’t handle. He was well-mannered with the people around him. He never went wandering about the apartment without you, and he followed the boundaries you had set for him. 

But today was an unusual day, for more reasons than you could handle. Today, Minki had been crying and screaming his lungs out, and you had no idea what to do. You held him in your arms and paced around and rubbed his back, but nothing you’d do or say would make anything okay. Someone had once told you that toddlers tend to absorb the emotions of their caregiver. And you knew today that it was right. He absorbed your emotions, because he couldn’t possibly have known what had hit you this morning. How could he know? All he could do was scream and cry at the uneasiness his instincts were inflicting on him.

Your son had never had too many meltdowns that you could remember. And when he did have one, you had always known how to handle it. Yet, despite knowing exactly what was happening, despite knowing that to calm him, you needed to breathe, you found yourself in a vicious cycle. The more he cried, the more agitated you became; the more on edge you were, the louder he cried. 

You knew how to calm your son. You knew that for sure. But what could you do? How could you tell a toddler to go easy on you because of what was impending on you?

Your brain was a tangled mess. How could you calm him when there was a storm building in your own chest? How could you dial your energy down when every bit of your body was on edge? You just wanted to give up and cry. You were holding on by a thread.

You needed someone. You were desperate. You needed someone who could be there for you without expecting someone in return--a friend, a confidant. You even messaged Doyoung, hoping he’d put aside his broken heart and just listen to you. You needed someone to listen to you. Someone. Anyone. But you had no one, and your son was crying and you felt like your mind would implode. One final snap and you were going to lose your sanity. 

It didn’t help that Jaehyun peaked his head out the door to see what was going out. He found you pacing in the living room, then slumping on the sofa as the little boy cried bloody murder on your shoulder. You knew it was an unusual sight for him. It’s perhaps why he stepped out. He sat next to you, a respectful distance away.

“Is everything alright?” he asked gently.

“He won’t stop crying,” you said, and your voice was thick with the agitation you felt, like you could cry tears of frustration of your own any moment now.

“Could I try calming him?” he kept his voice gentle and even.

“You could,” you said, trying to breathe evenly, lest you crumble mid-sentence.

Jaehyun reached in to take Minki off of you, which made the boy scream louder as he gripped onto your shirt, not wanting to let go. But Jaehyun was gentle yet firm. He managed to pry him off of you. He sat him on his lap whilst he kicked and pushed against him. But Jaehyun held him around the waist. Kind, but strong.

“What’s wrong, Minki?” Jaehyun asked whilst you tried hard to keep yourself together.

“Nooooo!” the boy screamed back on the top of his lungs.

“Minki, you have to tell your Mommy what’s wrong,” Jaehyun reasoned, but he got the same high pitched answer in return. You were worried he was going to hurt his vocal chords.

“How can Mommy help you if you don’t tell her what’s wrong?” Jaehyun looked him in the eye whilst he gently kept him restrained in his arms. And finally, Minki screamed back a reply, a different reply, something other than ‘no.’

“What is it? Can you tell me softly so I can understand?” Jaehyun's tone was authoritative but still kind. Minki’s screams were fading to sobs as he realized this switch in the power dynamic. Still, he held onto his stubborn act for a while longer and screamed the reply.

“Minki, Mommy and I can’t understand you. You have to tell us in words,” Jaehyun reasoned. 

“Outside! Wanna go outside!” Minki replied in sobs instead of screams.

“Very good, Minki. Well done, you’ve told us in words. Where do you wanna go outside? Hmm?” Jaehyun continued.

“Outside!” he yelled and Jaehyun shook his head.

“You have to tell us in words, Minki. Do you wanna go to the store and buy some snacks?”

“No!” Minki whined.

“Then what, Minki? Do you wanna go to the park?”

“Y--no! I wanna play with kitty!” he finally sobbed.

“You wanna play with kitty? Very good, Minki. Thank you for telling us. You’ve done such a good job,” Jaehyun took the boy in his arms and hugged him till he calmed. He stood and you stood up with them.

“Does he play with a cat?” Jaehyun asked you.

“There was once a cat in the park. He played with it,” you told him though your breaths were coming shorter. You didn’t want to crumble but you were right on the brink.

“Do you want me to take him to the park for a little bit?” Jaehyun asked you softly and you nodded vigorously.

“Okay. Don’t worry, please. We’ll be fine,” he nodded, attempting to calm you a little as well, as if he could see that you were hanging by a thread. But then, he turned away much too soon, carrying the now sniffling boy and leaving you behind. Before you could stop yourself, you grabbed at his arm.

“Minki’s dad is in town,” you finally blurted out the words that had been choking you, the reason your breaths were being stolen from your lungs and your chest was being constricted. You wanted someone to know that a dark cloud was taking over your life. A shadow from your past, a monster lurking in the dark. Your exhales came out ragged, like you were holding too much in, but couldn’t let it all out. There was no one to let it out to. You saw Jaehyun’s eyes widen for a moment. But he didn’t say anything. So you continued, “He wants me to meet with him.”

Jaehyun nodded, too understanding, too level-headed. “You should meet him. Does he want to meet Minki, too?”

You looked away, and took a deep breath in. It was getting harder to hold it in. “No. Just me.”

Jaehyun nodded again, “You can meet him. I’ll take care of Minki till then.” Then he turned and started readying Minki to go out the same way he had seen you do several times. 

You wanted to say so much more to him but couldn’t find your words. You wanted Jaehyun to hold you and get the words out of you the same way he had gotten them out of Minki. You wanted him to grab you to pull you together and ask you what it was that was making you feel this way. You wanted to scream and cry and kick like your son and have him calm you down, the same way he calmed him. 

But you were an adult. And he wasn’t your husband, even if you had signed some papers. You’d made sure he would never come close enough to hold you and comfort you with how you treated him. And now? Now, he wasn’t even obligated to be your husband anymore… he had gotten what he wanted from this marriage. So you watched as he walked out with your son, carrying him with the love and patience the little boy had always deserved but never received from his own father. 

You just wanted to give up.

You’re pretty sure you were having an out of body experience. You’d never had an out of body experience before, and you weren’t sure what it was really meant to feel like. You know that at the very least, you were in a dreamlike state. You felt too present, but like you were floating in space at the same time. Your legs felt heavy, but your head felt light. You heard the sounds around you too clearly, every whisper, every step, every breath ringing in your ears. But those sounds didn’t seem like they were coming from your reality around you, but from deep within your being. You heard them too clearly. Perhaps it helped in numbing the sight and sound that was closest to you.

You saw the man in front of you; the man who through a terrible twist of fate was Minki’s father. And you stared down at the cheque this man had placed in front of you, encased in a beautiful envelope. Like the elegance of the envelope was going to mask the horridness of the contents within. You may have been in a dreamlike state. But everything about what was happening was a nightmare.

You stared down at the strip of paper for too long, the storm inside building, threatening to reach its climax. You tried to keep it in. 

“Take it back,” you whispered. You didn’t want to speak up. You weren’t sure what your voice would do if you spoke up.

“Y/N. I want you to think about this logically,” the man said. Too level-headed. Too indifferent. The men around you seemed to talk logic with you quite a lot. Like you were the hysterical one and they were always the sensible, centered ones that had to pacify you.

“Logically?” you repeated the offensive word, finally peeling your eyes off the cheque to look him in the eye.

“This is good money. Think of what you can do for your son with all this money,” he nodded.

“He’s your son, too!” you hissed and the tears that didn’t fall threatened to choke you. You stopped yourself and looked around and shifted in your seat. You didn’t want this to be a scene. You needed to keep yourself together.

“Y/N. I know you’re not thinking straight right now. You’re being too emotional. If you want to take a couple of days to think about it, I think you’ll see that I’m right,” he spoke to you like a professor would speak to a student. Like you were an imbecile and he was the All-Knowing. You were bursting at the seams, and he was too composed. Emotionlessly, indifferently, dispassionately composed.

“You disappeared from our lives for two years and now you want to buy my silence!” you hissed yet again, and tears of anger you were holding back brimmed to your eyes. You didn’t let them escape.

But you finally saw the breach in his composure as he looked around, making sure no one was listening in. Making sure you weren’t creating a scene and tarnishing his reputation. As if your reaction was uncalled for, too extreme, too irrational, too emotional. As if he didn’t ask of you what he did. That he would offer you this money. And in exchange? 

In exchange, you and Minki would never contact him ever again. Because he had found an influential woman to marry. Because he didn’t want anything getting in the way of this opportunity. Because if she were to find out that he had a secret son, she could end his career for vengeance. He would offer you this money and neither you nor Minki could claim any connection to him ever again. He could marry in peace and get a clean slate, leaving his old life behind. Leaving his son behind.

“Y/N…” he said, trying to void his voice of the irritation he felt towards you, “You have a new life. I’m asking for mine.”

“You’re asking to abandon Minki forever with your blood money!” you swept the cheque back towards him.

“I’m not having any more arguments about this,” he turned his cheek and stood up. As if to add insult to injury, he placed more money on the table, presumably to pay the bill. You looked up at him in utter disbelief. How easily he was dismissing himself. Dismissing you. Just getting up to leave like he hadn’t just presented you with a life-altering ultimatum. “Think about it with a rational mind. Or at least think about your son,” he spoke down at you.

But that did it.

“How dare you,” you whispered at him, “How DARE you. You absolute swine of a man…” you’re pretty sure your chair had toppled over as you stood. You didn’t care. Not anymore.

“How dare you ask me to think about my son when you’re the one selling him off with your blood money! How dare you talk to me like that after you left him for the dead for two fucking years. You absolute fucking piece of shit, how dare you!” you realized that your whispers had turned to shrieks, that you were gripping at this man’s collar, that you had finally created the scene the both of you had been avoiding all this time. “How can you do this to him? He’s only a child!” you pulled at him. “He’s your son!” you shrieked at him, your grip on his shirt tight. You could feel him prying you off, but you held onto him with all your might. “He’s your son, you dickless piece of shit, he’s your son!” you didn’t let go, not even for a moment. If you let go, he was going to run and hide. He was going to leave into his new life and Minki would become only a skeleton in his closet. Minki would grow up with the knowledge that his father abandoned him. That he was worth only the amount on this cheque, whilst the new family he was going to start was worth much more. That he was paid off to be kept a secret for the rest of his life. That you allowed it to happen and did nothing to stop it. You were going to stop it. You had to.

“He’s your son!” you gripped at him and you were only half aware that people around you had started to pull him away from you. You didn’t let him go. How could you let him get away? You’re weren’t going to let him get away with doing this to your son. You were going to fight for him. 

But how much power could you muster against the strength of many? What force did you have in your arms that could fight off the pull of the onlookers as they pried the man away from you? What sort of power did you have? None. You didn’t have the power in your arms you thought you had. You didn’t have the power in your fortitude you thought you had. You didn't even have the power in your words you thought you had. You had power over nothing and no one.

So, he got away. Leaving behind only a torn fabric of his shirt in your fist because you held on till the last moment before you were kicked out of the restaurant. You ran after him all the way to his car. Kicking and screaming. But he got in. He drove away. And he got away. And you couldn’t do anything about it--not a single thing.

You could never do much, anyway. You had let him get away this time, just as you had let him get away the last time. You had let yourself and your son get abandoned then, and you let him abandon the two of you now. How easily he slipped from your grip yet again. You couldn’t even stop him. You couldn’t keep him, not even for your son’s sake. Your son needed to know he had a father in this world. But he had been stripped of that right because you couldn’t fight for him. You had no strength. You had no power. 

Come to think of it, you never had any strength or any power all your life. And life was a word you used rather liberally. Truth is, you didn’t really know how to live… you only knew how to survive. So how could you have fought for Minki? You couldn’t even fight for yourself. You hadn’t really done much in your lifetime but made bad decisions, one after the other. And now you were left to face the consequences of every single bad decision you’d ever made. 

How did you think you could do this all on your own? How did you think you could go through all the trials and trepidations of your life with no one to rely on? Who did you think you were? You weren’t born into money, you didn’t go to a fancy college, you had absolutely nothing to back you up but your constant hustle and your ever inflated pride. What good was that pride, anyway? It had never done you an ounce of good. And now, you could feel it slipping from your fingers, too. Because the whole world had seen you gripping and begging at the man who didn’t want you or your son. The whole world had seen as you cried and ran after him on foot, chasing his car even as it raced away from your sight. The whole world saw as you kept walking, even when the storm came, even when it started to rain so hard that you couldn’t see a thing. The whole world saw how you took refuge at a bus stop, drenched to the bone, but unable to move and head home. How could you head home? How could you go home knowing that you couldn’t defend your son? That you couldn’t fight for him? How could you tell him that once again, the two of you were left alone, only this time, he wouldn’t even have the hope that someone might come back for him? He had no one and you had no one. Everyone in this world had deserted you. You stared ahead, searching for courage that wouldn’t come.

And right from within the nothingness, you saw a figure in front of you. Like a silhouette afront the blur of the rain that grew larger till it came too close. But even then, it didn’t take full form against the grey of the storm. It didn’t have to. You knew exactly who it was. You had always known.

“What took you so long?” you looked up, unsure whether rain or tears blurred your vision.

“I’m sorry,” Jaehyun whispered and immediately covered your shoulders in a trench coat that enveloped you whole.

You were sobbing. You were sure of it now, because your breaths were breaking in your throat and your words were punctuated by them. “Where’s Minki?” you asked desperately as Jaehyun rubbed some warmth into your shoulders with his hands and made you rise to your unstable feet.

“With my mother. He is safe,” he tried to pull you into himself. But you held onto his chest and kept him back so you could look up at his face and make him listen to your pleas. 

“How did you know where to find me?” you couldn’t control the tears that flowed from your eyes any more than you could control this storm in the skies.

“Doyoung called me,” he looked into your eyes, searching. He wanted to know more. And you wanted to tell him. You gripped at his shirt like a broken woman, desperate and begging and crying like a lost child.

“Minki’s father…” you began but fuck, it was hard. It was hard to say the words and realize them as you spoke them. It made you cry more because speaking it was making it more real, “... he… he left us. He gave me this and he left us…” you showed him the envelope, dampened and crumpled in your fist.

“Shh… it’s okay… I’m here… I’ve got you...” Jaehyun held your face.

You gripped at his wrists and looked at him, “Are you going to leave me, too?”

Jaehyun’s eyes widened in emotion and he shook his head, whispering a single word, “Never.”

“But the will has been signed,” you cried and you told him all the doubts in your heart.

“You are my wife,” he pressed a sealing kiss to your forehead, “And I am your husband. For as long as you’ll want me,” and he brought a hand to the back of your head and pressed it to his chest and this time, you couldn’t fight him. You let him hold you and keep you warm. You cried into him because you understood the words he told you. You knew. You had always known. So you pushed back to looked up at him,

“I’ll want you forever. As my husband,” you whispered, though your voice cracked and your tears flowed.

“It would be my honor,” he replied. Because he had never turned down any request you’d ever made of him.

All you could do in return was to finally allow yourself to crumble. Because now you knew that he’d be there to pick you up. And that’s what he did. As you cried, he put his arm around you and shielded you from the storm under his umbrella. He sat you in his car and fastened your seatbelt. He took you home and sat you in the tub and bathed you so you’d be warm. He wrapped you up in a robe and dried your hair and when you implored at him,

“I want to see Minki,” he gently replied,

“Let the storm die down. Then I’ll go get him myself.”

How funny it was that he was putting out storms one after the other. The storm in your life, the storm in your mind, the storm in your heart. All because you finally let him in. Like he’d been waiting to hold you and love you, only if you allowed it. And now you had. Like a flip of a switch, everything shifted. You felt the shift in his touch, in your breaths, in the space between the two of you.

He took your silence to mean anxiety and kissed your forehead, “I promise. He is safe with my mother. He won’t be safe on the road in this weather.”

You nodded. 

How considerate this man was. How kind. How respectful. How honorable. You had never known men to be this way. Men were selfish, men only gave you respect when you were hard and cold, men would exploit you the moment they sense vulnerability, men broke you down when they saw that you had no way out. That’s how you had known men to be like. Yet, here he was, defying everything you had known, and confirming things about him you had always known but never allowed yourself to realize. You were married to him, yet you’d been blind. You had always been quick to throw away his kindness, his empathy, the love he was always willing to give. You let yourself believe you were alone because you never allowed this man into your heart. What a fool you’d been.

So you stood up and you kissed him. You weren’t going to let him go, not anymore. You weren’t going to pretend that this man was the cause of all your problems. You weren’t going to blame him for your misfortunes anymore. You weren’t going to let your pride get in the way of opening your heart and accepting his warmth and his decency. And in return, you were going to love him with the same kindness and patience he gave you. You were going to care for him and dote on him and be there for him when he would need you. You were going to fill your life with love and light. You were going to chase away the darkness and the storm, hand in hand with him.

And the storm died down, just like Jaehyun had said it would, and he brought Minki back to you, just like he promised he would. You took your son into your arms and you couldn’t bear it. You held him tight and you kissed him and you cried.

“I’m sorry,” you kept telling him, though he wouldn’t understand a word. How could he? He was only a child. How could he understand why his mother was begging for his forgiveness? He only cried in return because he saw you crying, so you held him tighter and kissed him everywhere you could. Maybe one day, he’d understand that you had tried and he might forgive you. He might understand why you had made the decisions that you had. But whether he forgave you or not, you were going to spend everyday letting him know that his mother loved him and that she’d be his shield for as long as she had the strength. 

Jaehyun let you two have this private moment, waiting on the sidelines till you were all cried out, then helping you prepare his things to put him to bed. He let you be when you sat on the floor by the edge of Minki’s bed, slowly patting his tiny back even when he had been fast asleep for a while. When you’d been sitting on that floor for a while, not moving an inch for far too long, you felt Jaehyun sit by your side and loop an arm around you, gently guiding your head to rest on his shoulder. He calmed you like you were calming Minki, then brought his lips to your ears.

“I’ll always be here. For you and Minki.”

You closed your eyes. Because you believed him.

“The HO? You’re really getting promoted to the HO?” you sat up straighter in your chair.

“I’m offended by how surprised you sound,” Doyoung quipped. 

“Oh, no, I just... Doyoung, that’s amazing!” you quickly backtracked and settled on just being happy for your friend.

“I know you too well so just spit it out,” Doyoung looked at you deadpan. You sighed.

“I just… I’m really gonna miss you so damn bad,” you finally admitted.

Doyoung’s eyes widened for a moment, but then he scoffed a little, “Oh, well. It’s all for the best.”

You looked at him and finally felt the intense pang of guilt you should’ve felt all that time ago when you had first met him. Maybe you finally had your humanity back. So, if your voice shook when you said the next few words, you allowed it. He needed to hear the emotions in your words for once. “I really wish you all the happiness in this world, Doyoung. No one deserves it more than you.”

Doyoung looked at you in surprise. For the first time in your dynamic, you had spoken about him, not just yourself. It wasn’t a surprise he couldn’t find his next words. You had rendered him speechless.

“You always belonged with the HO people,” you wiped away at the sneaky tear that had formed at the corner of your eye and tried to lighten the mood, “All snooty and uppity and self-important like.”

Doyoung scoffed again, only this time it was friendlier, any traces of irony and misery gone, “You know, if I keep playing my cards right, I might become your boss.”

You put your hand up in a mock-salute and straightened up, “Sir, yes, Sir!”

Doyoung laughed, “It won’t be fun being your boss when I’m all the way in the capital. I won’t even get the satisfaction of getting your death stares in person.”

Your face fell. “You’re really going to move to the capital, huh?”

He looked up and gave you a small, nostalgic smile, “I really am.”

You held his gaze for a moment, then nodded. “It’s where all the big shots live. You’ll fit right in.”

He smiled wider, though his eyes still didn’t match his expression, “It’s going to be a new start, alright.”

A new start. All the people in your life got a new start, though you weren’t sure if they were deserving of it or not. Now Doyoung was getting one, too. No one deserved it more than him, though you weren’t sure he was a person in your life. So you realized. This was a goodbye. He was here to bid you farewell. When your heart broke in your chest, you allowed that, too. 

“You’re going to be amazing,” you told him sincerely.

He looked down at the table, “I hope so,” he whispered and got up. You got up with him, your heart clenching for your friend. The friend who had given you so much emotional support, the friend who would carry all your baggage by just being a good listener. The friend whose heart you held so carelessly that you broke it. “Well,” he looked at you, “I guess this is goodbye.”

And you finally let the tears fall down to your cheeks. You held his arm to pull him to your height and you kissed him on the cheek. “Thank you for everything, Doyoungie. I am never going to forget everything you’ve done for me.”

You supposed you had rendered him speechless once again, because the man froze. Like he didn’t know what to do. But soon he regained his wits about him and stood up straighter. He smiled at you and stroked your hair once, “Don’t miss me too much.”

And perhaps this was going to be the only way you’d realize how much you really needed Doyoung in your life. You’d never really been good with making and keeping friends, and still he had been that one person that never asked you for much. Kim Doyoung might have become your friend and confidant by accident, but he let you vent to him every single time without fail. Did he ever vent to you? You couldn’t remember. All your exchanges with him were utterly selfish. You took from him and never gave. And he let it be that way till he couldn’t. But you needed him and you were going to feel the absence of him. Because you had hurt his pride, and he had let you go. He had decided to let you go when you messaged him for help and he thought it wasn’t his place to help you anymore, but your husband’s. You might’ve been blind, but he wasn’t and he saw what you couldn’t and it hurt his pride; and when he left, you never heard from him ever again.

It was a lesson learnt. Real people had real feelings. Actions had consequences. Relationships were hard work. You had known these clichés all your life, but never truly known them. You had never really thought much outside of yourself and your need to survive. You saw everyone around you as people that either wanted to take from you or people you wanted to take from. You had done all it took to keep your head above water. From staying with your infant son with a man that didn’t want either of you; to begging your parents to help you whilst you found a job to support the two of you. From going door to door to all your friends, asking for a place to stay; to marrying a man you hardly knew just so your son could live with dignity even if all your decisions had been questionable to say the least. 

Maybe being reduced to fighting for primal needs took away from other aspects of your humanity. Like kindness. When was the last time you had been kind to another person without wanting something in return? You couldn’t recall. Like empathy. When was the last time you put yourself in someone else’s shoes and felt their pain? You weren’t sure. Like respect. When was the last time you had admired someone for what they did or how they lived? You didn’t know.

You hadn’t really been living. It’s like the past few years stripped you of who you were. You had lost your identity, not just your humanity. But finally, miraculously, it was coming back. Because the tears you cried when you saw your friend walking away were just for him. You were happy for the life he had ahead of him and sad that you weren’t going to see him again. It was a miracle to feel human again. To know you still had a heart that could feel joy and sorrow for someone else. It was exhilarating to experience the consequences of your actions. It was reassuring to go through the emotions that well adjusted members of society have for one another. And in this moment, you closed your eyes and thought only of your husband. For giving you the space to finally feel human again.

Jaehyun never thought he’d be the clingy type. Then again, he hadn’t really been in a true relationship before. How could he have possibly known this about himself when he had never honestly put himself in this position before? But the sweet pleasure that came with domestic bliss was unlike any he could’ve imagined. The mellow contentment he was feeling just resting his head on his wife’s chest was nothing he had ever experienced before. The fact that you were lazily running your fingers in his scalp wasn’t helping the drunken haze he felt. 

“Do you wanna lay in bed properly? You could take a quick nap,” you suggested, kissing the top of his head. The couch wasn’t big enough for his tall form, but that’s where he had found you and that’s where he had decided to settle in.

“Mm mm,” Jaehyun hummed in the negative, “I don’t want to move,” he mumbled and tightened his arms around your middle as if to drive the point home. 

“You did a good job today, setting up the crib all by yourself,” you smiled at his tired form. Moving into your new house was tough work with both of your schedules. You didn’t even want to look at the piles of cardboard boxes that littered most of the living room where the two of you lounged. Jaehyun had done most of the heavy lifting, but the simple prospect of having to organize them over the next few days was already tiring you out.

“I did a good job?” Jaehyun lifted his sleep head up from your chest, smiling expectantly as he looked up.

“You did,” you smiled back, because who were you kidding? You were a simple girl with simple tastes. Watching your husband become a handyman was a basic fantasy and you hadn’t denied yourself the luxury of ogling at the muscles in his back rippling through his shirt as he worked.

“Then can I have a kiss?” he asked shamelessly, despite the sleep in his state.

You laughed. But you leaned in and kissed his lips. He had earned it, anyway. He’d taken a day off from work so the two of you could finally start setting up your new home. Minki’s room had been the first you had chosen to finish. It’s the first time your little boy had gotten his own room and you both had set it up with all the love you had in your hearts. Jaehyun had gotten so many toys that you had argued they wouldn’t fit. But he was determined and stubborn and had found a place for all the things he had bought. No wonder he was so tired now. Lazing about on the couch, cuddled into you.

Minki toddled towards you then, holding onto the sheet of paper he had been scribbling away at with his brand new set of crayons. He pressed it into Jaehyun’s face, wanting his attention.

“Not now, my love. Daddy is sleeping,” you whispered at him with a finger on your lip, smiling.

But Jaehyun never had it in him to tell him no. Though his eyes were droopy and his body heavy, he held the paper with both his hands and gave the boy all the encouragement he could muster for his little creation and promised that he would put it up on the refrigerator proudly. Then he scooped the boy into his arms and tucked him into the couch as well, muttering, “Nap time,” and miraculously, Minki giggled but gave in.

Your legs were going to be numb in a moment, you were sure of it because the two boys had pretty much decided that on top of you was a fairly suitable napping spot. You didn’t move, though, not for a single moment. Jaehyun had slid over to tuck himself under your arm and over your chest and Minki effectively used your belly as a pillow and buried his face into Jaehyun. You reached over to stroke your son’s head because your lips couldn’t reach him. But they reached Jaehyun’s forehead just fine. If you could stay like this forever, you would. Right here in this moment, without changing a thing. 

“Here it is. The first snow,” you whispered. You didn’t get a reply because Jaehyun’s eyes had closed. So you marveled at the window of your new home. Finally, after all the years of wishing and hoping, the first snow had brought for you a new tomorrow. A happier life. A life with love. You smiled at it and prayed a silent thank you and let your eyes close, too. No one wishes at the snow, but you’re glad you did all those years.

When Jaehyun woke from his nap, he found you asleep, so he got up carefully and carried Minki into his new room and tucked him in. So many years he had spent wishing at the snow to give him his own family. And now he had it. He felt your presence at the door frame and turned around, pressing a finger to his lips. He tiptoed out and held your hand and you walked together in companionable silence, unbeknownst to the other that you were just two snow wishers who found their dreams in each other.

So he made love to you that night on the mattress on the floor of the room you hadn’t even set up yet. You were going to. You were going to set it up hand in hand and fill it with love and happiness and all the human moments you were going to live together. You had found a harbor in Jaehyun, but it was his dreams that had come the truest. Too many years he had longed to be a husband and a father, and never thought he’d live to see that day in truth. But slowly and surely, you let him in. Little by little, letting him love you the way he had always envisioned he would love his family. His dreams came true. His snow wishes came true. His marriage came true. His love came true.

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