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being fluctuating ability/needs is hell bc society is so weird abt that stuff and assume you dont need accomodations bc sometimes you can do The Thing when im reality most of the time you do The Things Expected youre spending most of your energy on it . youre not doing it in the abled , not chosen effort way thats like second nature and takes nothing for ableds and is taken for granted by them . youre spending what little you have on being more "convient" when it could be easier w/ accomodation .

~ Hosty/Mortis ( it )

[ this is about both physical disability and neurodivergence . op sys is chronically fatigued & semi-vocal autistic ]

#disability stuffz #disabled #disability #chronic pain #chronic fatigue #chronic illness #autistic #autism #neurodiversity #neurodivergent #semivocal #semi vocal #semi speaking

Deeply hate how my response to flares has changed with time and with years of illness. I used to be just fine hunkering down in bed with snacks and sleeping whenever and YouTube and now I’d genuinely rather skin myself than spend one more miserable minute in bed

#these days all I do is refuse to sleep exert myself too much and be generally miserable #post inspired by. you’ll never believe it. my current cfs flare #where instead of being smart and resting I’m dragging ass to my desk any chance I get because I just can’t be in bed. anymore #but I also can’t be at my desk because it’s killing me and I refuse to sleep even though it’s been a solid 20 hours because I hate sleeping #so I’m just pissy and irritable and feeling Bad. wanting to peel my skin off #this is ASS!!!!!!!#disability stuffz

Guy who is aware it definitely pushed itself way too hard yesterday and more than earned the flare up its in: hey yeah this chronic fatigue shit sure is crazy haha why have I slept 18 hours and why am I still so fucking exhausted

#trying to watch YouTube and my eyes just keep fucking closing #I swear to god my body is made of LEAD I cannot fucking do shit beyond sleep this is Evoil #disability stuffz

Ughhhhh I have work yodau and I already know it’s going to be an absolutely miserable experience because I have fallen into an entirely irrational anxiety spiral that has left me with nightmarish dreams and an inability to fall back asleep. I think I’ve slept three hours total. I can’t sleep any more. It feels like my mind is falling apart. I want to cry. My neck and upper back muscles are siezed up or something and not even pain spray can help. And I’m so, so, so, so, so tired

#I’m going to make tea and play Minecraft. I guess #gonna have to thank my brother for giving me his old PlayStation because all of a sudden it means Minecraft is accessible again #and it’s always been a comfort game. hopefully I can get my mind out of this fucking loop before work #we’ll see #disability stuffz

I am in so much pain right now I am audibly making noise from it . That never happens

#not even my word pain flares ;literally feeling like I’m dying and need hospital) have made me make noise #I am v much a duffer in silence guy. it is scaring me that I am making noise lol #last month I had a hyperventilating sobbing breakdown and this month I’m making noises from pain #it’s not a good yewr #disability stuffz

90% of being disabled is just constant and unending shame

#said on discord #if ask for help? then I get coddled through the easiest of human tasks. embarrassing #don’t ask for help? I have to struggle throigh the easiest of tasks while feeling like dying #they should make an asking for help that’s easy and bearable. instead I need care half the time and I can’t even admit it #because what the fuck else am I supposed to say. not even 25 and I need help making my bed some days. don’t even get me started on cooking #sorry my body isn’t good 👍 sorry I can’t be alive the way everyone else can 👍 sorry I need part time care or else I’ll deteriorate 👍#what the fuck else can I do about it other than survive and swallow my shame #disability stuffz

I swear to god being disabled is just one concurrent crisis after the fucking OTHER I get a flare up fine whatever I start recovering from it BAM migraines and headaches. Start recovering from those? Joints start giving out on me! Get those back into shape? Well, you’re never gonna believe this . insomnia episode

#this has the chance of lasting for the better part of a week and I REALLY WISH IT WOKLDNY #my like. twice yearly insomnia episodes are always some of the worst periods of my life #and I’m really not looking for more struggles #sigh. whatever. laid in bed with my eyes closed for an hour so now I’m gonna try reading #I just wanna be able to respond to my friends and their creative endeavours dawg why can’t I have the energy and clarity to do that #disability stuffz

Being disabled is hard because I cannot open my mouth without whatever words I’m trying to say being eclipsed by I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I promise I’m trying I’m sorry I can’t help it that I’m like this I can’t control this I’m sorry my body doesn’t work write I’m sorry my brain is hotwired out of a generator and dumpster scraps and fog I’m sorry I can’t have normal conversations I’m sorry my response took so long (I spent half an hour typing and retyping and trying not to typo) I’m sorrry I’m not energetic the way you are I’m sorry I can’t hang out with you right now I’m sorry I have to cancel plans no I can’t game with you today I know I said I would but my hands keep shaking I’m sick again sick again sick again yeah still sick it got worse this time everything hurts I think I’m dying there’s no cure for this I can’t go to the hospital and get this fixed no I haven’t had water today I haven’t eaten today i can’t get out of bed I haven’t done what you want me to do I’m sorry I fed the cats late I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I don’t know why I’m like this

#cats.writes #disability stuffz

#disability stuffz

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