#discource is terrifying

[questioningsideblog]

really the thing I have most in common with other women is the absolute dread and fear and terror that is Pregnancy in women who do NOT want that. Outside of that, I do not get you people. 

[questioningsideblog]

I meant to make a completely different post and interrupted myself. 

The post I meant to make was about how my sexuality is very much based on the fact that I can not accurately guess the sex of a stranger based on appearance. I can add up the gendered signals and go from there, but I can not tell based on a face. 

Like, how do you even have a strict sexuality based on that understanding of the world?

[questioningsideblog]

My feminism is centered on turning men into women.

Males are better at performative femininity, and the female gender role does more to encourage cooperation and social networking, which is more useful than a brain for hierarchies in the crowded world of today. 

[questioningsideblog]

I have the house to myself today, so it seems like a good time to make a new vlog.

I am considering either The Value of Female Only Space or just talking about being a carnie for a bit. 

Feedback or additional questions would be appreciated!

[questioningsideblog]

I know that understanding that understanding that feminity is not required is hard for a lot of people. Sometimes it is hard myself. But you have to find your spaces.

“Country girls” who care more about horses than people are your people. Old ladies at softball games are your people. If you look around real hard at the grocery store you will find them. Not being a lesbian myself, I feel weird about my absolutely pathetic “please recognize me, lets be acquaintances” feelings any time I see another woman with short hair and long leg hairs in public.   

Most of the time I forget that I am in the minority of women, but when I get reminded, I am happy that someone is around to do it. 

[questioningsideblog]

I come from a weird place in relation to transition. 

I decided that being treated as male and encouraging any denial of my anatomy and socialization as anything other than “female” was not going to be good for the health of my self-concept, which was a good step. 

But the desire for the physical effects of testosterone is still actually entirely there. I do not give a rat’s ass about any other related topic, I just want a beard and the means to that exist and I have to play this stupid social-medical game in order to get what I want. 

I stopped testosterone when I started questioning these things, but these past weeks I just keep looking into what doctor’s can prescribe because I want it back so bad. I am more aware of the potential health risks now, which is objectively a good thing. But maybe I deserve to not just think long-term? LIke, why the obsession with “purity” in this case? 

I need to keep reality in mind and question my desires to change myself to fit circumstances instead of standing up for myself. I should also question the instinct to see modifying my body with existing technology as somehow “cheating,” or “lying,” rather than just a thing people do these days because that is also true.

So I think I can see both sides enough to be fairly unbiased, but instead I am overwhelmed with questions and unsureness and it is just about the most Gemini problem ever really. 

[questioningsideblog]

Like, I am all for eradicating associations between not just clothing choices and personality traits and kenotype, but also the associations with secondary sex characteristics because transition is so widely available and safe because that is the kind of luxury sci-fi future I want. 

But I think there is something to the radfem stance on the importance of words like “female” and “woman,” that comes from needing to still name the reality of the world as-is, which is a place where misogyny is still very based around people’s sex. 

[questioningsideblog]

I want to write a work somewhere between The Scum Manifesto and The Communist Manifesto, because few things really combine my two angers sufficiently for me.