#disloquée

[machhapuchchhre]

And i'll keep writing until i can find a way to sleep. Until exhaustion takes me and allow me to rest. You were too good to be true. All along i kept thinking that you were too good to be true.

All my life i never thought i could ever deserve someone like you. I never thought i could meet someone like you.

But i did. We met. You happened. You were the hurricane that turned my life upside down. And i was okay with it. I let you turn my all existence upside down because i had been waiting for someone like you for my whole damn life.

And now... now this little voice in my head le whispering that i don't deserve someone like you. I never did. Never will.

And the little voice won't stop. It won't stop and i feel like i'm never going to love again.

Ever again.

[machhapuchchhre]

i just feel like spending all night drinjing beers watching the stars crying crying crying crying crying all the tears i’ve been holding back for the last days/weeks 

“life is beautifully ugly at times”

i’m not in love it’s just a game we do, i tell myself i’m not that into you. and now it’s hard to breathe. and now it’s hard to breathe. 

what happened here ? i feel like disappointing a good friend, hurting F. more than i should have, being a crazy stupid vulnerable bitch with you, and cheating on A. just by doubting. why can’t i just be NORMAL ? why always going for the complicated shit ? why can’t i just be in love and satisfied with what i have, which is beautiful and rare and sweet. why always looking for something different ? something more ? 

maybe i just feel like this would be easier - stronger - sweeter, and though i know IT CANNOT BE. it cannot happen. dead end. dead end. dislocated heart.