Inside Out made me think of my own emotions as characters and what they do at the console. Maybe you relate to some of these things, and reading about my emotions makes you feel better, if it does I am happy for you. I share some things about my autism and my autism journey.
I make sure to laugh at myself to make me feel better about things. I also have lots of dreams, I want to help people, I want to travel the world, I want to discover my cultural identity, I want to create entertainment and make kids smile and comfort them. I want to raise people up, who have experienced the same challenges as me, and give them good guidance.
I am very open minded when it comes to my interests. There’s a broad range of sciences I find cool, and sports I want to try, and art forms, story genres, and music genres I like. I like abstract art and classical art. I also like cute animals and babies.
I get triggered too easily when it comes to politics. I curse when I stub my toe. I also get angry when people underestimate me because of my autism. I am also stubborn, and I do not like to give up. I have been determined, I will not let people’s judgements determine who I am, but that has made it difficult for me in scenarios where it is better to walk away. I also hate not being able to have a say in something. I also like cool things, like action movies, martial arts and vehicles, breakdance, and video games. Also the school system sucks.
I use to get angry at math, but my mom helped me a lot.
I get anxious over people judging my allergies. I get anxious in big crowds. I get anxious about bullies. I often do not know what to say in groups. I get anxious if I will ever be good enough and doubt my intelligence, because of what people have told me. I also do not ever engage in dangerous habits and am very abstinent. But I am also very diligent in my diet and avoid fast food, I still eat fries and chocolate though. I always worry if I lost something. Sometimes I have nightmares, where people laugh at what I’m saying, then they shove me, and I wake up crying. I like thrillers and mystery movies.
Also, I normally don’t talk to my peers, people my age. I like talking to adults, who they are hired to take care of me, so they have to show hospitality, or children I find adorable. I also want to be a doctor because I feel like I would do better taking care of people, that being bossed around or being in a cooperative group setting. I also almost broke down at a bowling birthday when my parents were not around. I am fine with crowds like at concerts, but struggle with social gatherings.
I am obsessed with melancholic songs and dramas. And I also feel sad when I think about people out there, who do not have the help they need, I am lucky to have good parents who care about me, but not everybody has that help, and that makes me feel sad.
I get bored when I have writer’s block. I do not really sleep well, so it is hard for me to do anything, and concentrate on things like books, when that can make me happy. I do not know how to drive, so I cannot drive to places I would enjoy. It feels easier for me not to be present, imagine or think of nothing in the moment.
I should be reading. I finished a five-hundred-page novel in a couple weeks, that’s a new achievement for me. I just lack motivation however.
My envy is a mix of innocent admiration and pettiness. I admire successful people and historical people, I want to follow them and be someone who has the power to voice a cause, I want to be someone who can entertain and spread my art and spread joy. However, my envy judges’ other people as having less challenges, when really everyone has challenges. And my Envy has a lot of tendency to compare with people, whose art gets more noticed, who gets along with people better, and that’s not healthy.
I often feel embarrassed about the times, I have gotten angry at people, or when I thought doing inappropriate things was funny, when I was younger, and later realizing, it’s not funny. I also tend to want to avoid kids I met four years ago of who I was in extracurricular classes with or school classes with.
But I am not really scared. I used to be afraid of dogs, but I met my teacher’s dog who was gentle and did not bark loudly, and now dogs are my favorite animal. I used to fear nail clippers, but now I can clip by myself. I used to be afraid of the dark and sleeping by myself. I only started sleeping by myself, during covid when people were supposed to be social distancing. I used to be afraid of flies, now I can kill a bug and place it in the trash. I more so get angry at flies than scared. I would not do anything dangerous to be cool. But there are many things I am not afraid of that people are normally afraid of, I am not afraid of blood, heights, and I can perform on stage. I am afraid of falling, but not heights. I am afraid of gore, but not blood, that’s why I cannot be a surgeon. I don’t like realistic mannequins; dead things, and I don’t like gore. I do not like unfamiliar dogs getting close to me, but I adore dogs of whom I am familiar with. I am allergic to cats, but I was at my mom’s friend’s house, she owns a cat, and I dealt with my nervousness well.
I’m not really socially savvy. I miss social cues people find icky, that is my autism. I also am not judgmental and jittery around ugly people, when other people might curl away more easily. But I was a very picky eater up to my mid teenage years. I hated tomatoes, avocado, spinach, I still am not use to mushrooms, boiled egg, animal fat and tendons. But my mom’s friend who is vegan, she makes a nice salad, if you add olive oil or vinegar, salad is not that bad. Also, my mom is the master of fried rice, in Chinese fried rice there is always steamed vegetables, and friend rice always makes things taste ten times better. I also have a good eye for design.
I think my Inside Out journey would be realizing, to stop fighting people who want to help me, and to go along with things that make me smarter, stronger, and healthier, even though they are hard. And would be realizing it’s okay there are people out there who don’t like me.
You know what would be funny. Like on a hot day, Ennui drank all the water and Joy, Envy, Disgust, Anger are ticked off. Sadness tells them to shut up.
or whenever my thoughts race or run, Anxiety and Fear are playing ping pong or table tennis.
