Panzermensch (Part 5)
Reader Gender: Male
Fandom: Divergent
Pairing: Eric x Reader
Warnings: Light smut, fear landscape and violence, talk of reader’s not idea childhood
Word Count: 3.234
[All Parts here]
A/N: A Panzermensch Update? In 2020? It is more likely than you think! I don’t know why, but I read this story again and why not finish it. This was supposed to be the last part, but alas, I am trash and have to just ~elaborate~ all the time. So here, have an update, like 4 years later! Also, as I saw that the link on the original does not work anymore, here is the working link to And One - Panzermensch, which is the title and a bit of an inspo for this story!
A/N 2022: Ayy, part 5 is rewritten now too! around 1.200 words longer than the previous version, and a bit more detailed. And yes, if you have a suspicion about Orion after this chapter, it might be correct ;)) anyways, I’m having fun with this universe again, and writing Eric as being just totally head over heels for the reader is what i live for :D
You hadn’t even noticed drifting off to sleep, but were suddenly awoken by the shrill and far too loud ring of Eric’s alarm clock the next morning. The sun had not yet risen in front of the tall windows behind you, but the orange-pink glow of dawn crept up at the horizon, illuminating the room with a faint, soft light.
The first thing you noticed were Eric’s arms, that were wrapped around your torso, his nose buried in the crook of your neck and his naked body pressed against your back. You had to admit, you had not taken him for a cuddler, but this technically did not feel like cuddling. He was holding onto you, as if he expected that someone planned to steal you away. He groaned, and you felt the vibration of his voice against your neck, sending a shiver down your spine.
“Fuck..” Eric murmured, his voice tired and rough, as he slowly detangled his arms from you, rolling onto his back and hitting his alarm clock with his fist to make it go silent again. You both were still completely naked, though at one point Eric had apparently pulled his blanket over the two of you. You were not quite sure if you should feel embarrassed or not about the whole situation. An erotic encounter late at night was always different than a weird, awkward morning after, followed by a walk of shame. Usually, you didn’t stick around to suffer through it.
Eric sat up, running a hand through his short hair, that was standing up in every direction possible, before he turned towards you. You tensed up slightly, but quickly relaxed again, as his face did not show the trace of any negative emotion, awkwardness or regret of any kind. In contrary, his features were soft, and there was almost a smile tugging at the corner of his lips.
“You want a shower?” he asked, raising an eyebrow.
You nodded quickly, feeling sticky, not only from the hard workout at night, but also from the second late night ‘workout’ with Eric. The other man nodded too, stretching his arms before he got up, and walked over to the other door in his flat, apart from the entry.
You were not quite sure if you were supposed to follow him, but a glance over his shoulder towards you was enough to make you get up too, to follow him. You had to admit, you were unable to keep yourself from staring at him. His back was just as trained as the rest of his body, and you could now see another tattoo running along his spine. His legs were even more amazing without his trousers, and frankly, it was damn hard to believe that a man like that had just spent the night with you.
The bathroom was not particularly large, but had a walk-in shower with glass walls. Eric turned the water on, and for a moment you heisted, if you should wait for him to be done, to wait for your turn, but your thoughts were quickly silenced when Eric simply pulled you towards him by your neck, pulling both of you into the warm spray of water, his lips immediately finding yours, as if he just picked up where you had left off the night before.
A shiver ran down your spine as Eric kissed you, not hurried and horny like yesterday, and the day before, but slow and passionately, as if the two of you had all the time in the world. There was.. feeling in this kiss, and you felt quite overwhelmed by it. Eric’s hand was still in your neck, his thumb slowly stroking over your jaw, and you put your own hands onto his waist, having to hold onto something. Even though his lips moved slowly over yours, you felt your body reacting to the kiss, your skin already heating up.
Eric seemed to be no better though.
“You’re driving me insane, Y/N.” he murmured against your lips, his forehead resting against you’re for a moment. “Ever since you just let yourself fall of that god damn wall.. not even looking down..” he kissed you again, before you could even try to answer, all thought just shut down, as your head started to spin.
You let your hands wander up his upper body, around his shoulders and into his neck, pulling him closer to you to try and intensify the kiss. Eric grinned against your lips, and suddenly he turned the two of you around, pushing you against the cool tiles of the shower. His hand was on your erection a second later, and you had to moan into his mouth as his tongue licked into yours.
“And today.. today you’re going to win.” Eric started kissing your jaw, your neck, his hand rubbing over your cock in slow but firm strokes. “You will face your fears and you will deal with them.” His voice was close to your ear, making you shiver.
“Eric..” you moaned again.
“I’m with you..” you felt his teeth against your skin, his hot body pressed against you, while the water still sprayed onto your face. “I’ll be watching.. better not disappoint me.”
This was just.. too much to take in right now.
Yes, of course. The fear test. That was today. Fuck.
It was hard to focus on that, when Eric’s strong hand was around your pulsing erection and his hot mouth was on your throat.
You came into Eric’s hand far too quickly, a moan leaving your lips, which were covered by Eric’s just a moment later.
The two of you cleaned up, and you collected your clothes, dressing and walking over to the door, while Eric was still tying up his boots. You were not sure how to say goodbye after.. after all that.
Eric took that decision from you though, standing up and walking over to you with confident steps. A strong hand wrapped around your throat, making your breath hitch, and Eric pressed a firm kiss against your lips.
“Remember, I’ll be watching. See you later.” He actually winked, and you finally left his apartment, cheeks flaming from.. you were not even sure from what.
You were glad that the corridors were still half empty, and no one really noticed you as you headed back down to where the initiates were sleeping, hoping that no one would ask you where you’d been all night.
“Y/N! Where’ve you been all night?” Orion, of course bloody Orion promptly asked after you had reached your bed, and it took a lot of restraint not to roll your eyes, as you pulled out some fresh clothes for the day.
“Fell asleep in the training halls.” You quickly lied, hoping that your strained voice would convey that you didn’t really want any questions. “I’m nervous as shit.” You then added, hoping that that would be enough explanation. Today’s fear test was not really a nice topic, but it was enough to distract your friend.
“Gosh, yea, tell me about it.” Orion ran a hand through his blond hair. “These fucking cats, man, I tell you.”
You changed quickly, and together with a few of the other initiates you went to the mess hall for breakfast. You spotted Eric already sitting at a table with some of the other leaders, but did your best not to stare at him.
On your own table it was oddly silent, everyone already kind of anxious as no one really fancied going into their fear landscape again. Ven and Liz were.. very, very friendly with each other, and maybe it was just you, as someone who was also into the same sex, that they were really into each other. Orion on the other hand, seemed completely oblivious to it. You made a mental note to have a word with your friend after todays fear landscape session, so that he wouldn’t embarrass himself, thinking that the two were ‘such good friends, just gals being pals’.
You were scheduled in the morning this time, and after breakfast Orion and you said goodbye to your friends, making your way back to the room with that.. machine, and the serum again. There were a few other people around already, and you joined them in the waiting room to.. well.. wait.
“I thought about it, you know? Maybe if I just.. don’t hit the cats. I mean, it is not real, right? I can’t have an allergic reaction and die. Maybe I should just try and.. pet them.” The boy said, talking more to himself than he was talking to you.
You looked over to him, a bit trapped in your own thoughts, as you were absolutely not sure what to do. Maybe Orion’s approach was good. Embrace it. Make logical decisions. That was what Eric had told all of you, when he and Four had introduced the concept of stage two of the initiation. There was one problem though.
“You won’t know it isn’t real, though.” You swallowed. “That is the whole fucking point, isn’t it?”
Orion just pursed his lips and looked at his hands, and you could not really interpret the expression on his face.
“Honestly, mate.” You tried. “I have no idea what the right solution is. To anything.”
One initiate after the other entered the room, and left a lot paler a few minutes later. Finally, it was your turn again, and you could hear your heartbeat in your ears, your hands almost shaking. Eric called you in, looking as cold and unapproachable as ever, so much different from how he had looked this morning, when he had winked at you with a grin. He closed the door behind you and you sat down in the chair, unsure what you were more scared of: the simulation, or how Eric was acting.
Of course, you didn’t expect that he would just openly show that you two were.. what? What were you? That you had fucked? Of course not. Again, you were still an initiate and he was a bloody leader, and you weren’t even sure if you two being a thing was even allowed. Once again, you knew you were overthinking it all.
You looked up, as Eric approached you, noting how his whole demeanour had completely changed. The coldness was gone, and his expression was almost soft.
“Hey, don’t forget what I told you this morning, alright?” A slight grin appeared on his lips, broadening as he noticed you blushing slightly. Still, you nodded, shifting in your seat to make yourself more comfortable.
You decided to push this whole.. Eric business into the back of your mind, to be dealt with after today’s session, hopefully in the pit with something to drink. Right now you really should focus on the task ahead, though you still had no idea how to handle what you were about to go through.
“Hit me.” You exhaled, tilting your head to the side, and Eric injected you with the serum once more.
You opened your eyes, finding yourself on a field again. The blue, open sky was above you, a void threatening to swallow you up, while nothing was around you but open, empty fields. Your hands grabbed the grass again, digging into the ground to hold onto something, until you managed to take a few deep breaths. Knowing that the laws of physics were very much a thing, you let go, standing up and looking up at the blue sky above you.
You could not fall into nothingness.
Your eyes wandered along the horizon, while you managed to slow down your heartrate, the emptiness around you still horrifying, but manageable.
You exhaled slowly, and felt yourself relax. A smirk snuck onto your face, as you felt the fear subside slightly, but just as soon as it had appeared it was gone again, as the ground beneath your feet opened up, and you fell into darkness, the earth around you suffocating you.
You held your breath, and started to dig, dig yourself out of the darkness, remembering where the surface must be. Panicking would only use up more oxygen in your lunges, and you had to keep calm to be able to survive.
Your hands reached the open air, and you used all your strength to pull yourself out of the ground, collapsing on the floor and trying to keep your breathing steady.
One, two deep breaths, and you opened your eyes again, finding yourself in your old, sterile room in erudite. Everything that could be used to hurt someone, or yourself was removed. On your bed was a lone pillow without a blanket, no sharp objects in sight. There was a screen on the wall, and a tablet on the bedside table, a large, barred window that could not be opened, looking out into a tranquil looking garden. Your own, personal prison cell.
You blinked a few more times, not quite remembering how you ended up here. You turned your head to the door, seeing the familiar scratch marks covering the wood, before your eyes dropped down to your hands, spotting your bleeding fingers and splintered fingernails. You must’ve passed out, you thought.
The door was locked, as it always was, you didn’t even need to check. Your parents keeping you away from the world outside as best as they could, embarrassed by their own son. They had probably locked you in for sneaking out again, for spending a night away from home where they could have an eye on their misbehaved child.
Anger rose up inside of you, anger at them for treating you like a child, for locking you into this room in Erudite, when you should actually be in Dauntless. Wait..
The screen behind you went on, and a female voice started talking to you. You mother, using her favourite method of communication.
“Please calm down, Y/N! Think of your training! Don’t make this worse!” you heard her pleading voice.
You should not be here. You should be in Dauntless. You had to get out of here.
Like a trapped animal you looked around yourself, your eyes returning to the door, and then to your fingers.
They would not let you out like that, and breaking out (again) would only make them reinforce the door again. No, you had to play by their rules.
“I am calm.” You answered, swallowing down your anger. Everything inside of you screamed, shouted at you to just break out, to break down this fucking door and make a run for it. It felt suffocating being here, as if there was no oxygen left in the room, more suffocating than being buried alive. “May I come out, mum?” you breathed deeply, trying to force your heartrate down.
There was silence for a while that felt like an eternity, but then suddenly a click. The door in front of you opened. Relief washed over you and you got up, hurrying over to the door and bursting through it, only to find yourself encircled by a large crowd. You turned around, finding even more people where the door had just been a moment ago. You were in the middle of the pit, surrounded by Dauntless members and initiates, all of them staring at you with wide open eyes, shock and disgust written all over their faces. They pointed at you and murmured, and you spotted Calder staring at you with fear in his eyes. You turned a bit and saw Ross, who shook his head in disgust, looking down at your feet, and then you also dropped your gaze. Your hands and clothes were covered in sticky, red blood, and in front of you was a body, unmoving, with open eyes staring into the skies.
It was the initiate, the Abnegation transfer, the last jumper that got cut. He was dead, and you had killed him, you knew it.
No, no, no.
You wanted to run away, to explain yourself, but you didn’t even know what to say. You didn’t know how, but you had ended this boy’s life, you could not just run away from that. It was not right to run, you had to face the consequences for your actions, the consequences for your anger. You turned around, your head held high, ready to face the punishment for your crime.
In that moment everything went dark, and in the blink of an eye you found yourself on one of the white mats in the training halls. Everything beyond was in shadows, but you heard whispering voices in the darkness, revealing that you were not alone.
“Fight!” that was Eric’s voice, cold and hard, and you turned around, face to face with the monstrous version of yourself. His breath turned to steam in front of his mouth, sweat vaporising off his hot skin.
You had thought about what to do now, you had thought about this a lot, but now your mind was as if it had been wiped clean. Fear, ice cold fear bubbled up inside of you, meeting your red-hot anger like the ice of Niflheim met the sparks of Muspelheim in Ginnungagap.
You had managed to keep yourself in check so well, but now it seemed as if it all boiled over. You didn’t wait for the monster to attack you, instead you charged forward, your body colliding with his, throwing him onto the ground. You straddled his chest, your legs pushing his arms down, as your fists collided with his head, over and over and over again. Blind rage overcame you, all the hatred you felt for.. for everything pouring out of you like venom.
Your arms were burning and your breath ragged, when you finally stopped, looking down at the motionless monster but.. it was not a monster anymore. Beneath you was just.. you. Covered in your own blood, cuts on your face, eyes staring into the distance unfocused, it was you. You looked down at your own body, your hands and arms, and shirtless chest, seeing the veins, the bulging muscles..
You were the monster. It was you, all along.
“No… no! No, no, no!” you shouted, eyes wide in terror. You got up from your lifeless body, stumbling back and starting to scratch at your face, as if you could claw out of the monster you had become. You shouted even more, filled with panic, filled with more fear than you had ever felt.
Suddenly you were wide awake, strong hands wrapped around your wrists, holding them firmly in place. Your face hurt and your throat felt sore, and you realised that you must’ve screamed not only in the simulation, but also in reality.
Eric was over you, his face full of shock and worry, his hands tightly holding your wrists away from your face. You saw your fingers were covered in blood, just as they were in the simulation.
You could not say how long you remained like this, blood rushing through your ears and adrenaline pumping through your system. You felt blood dropping from your face, and your eyes sting.
Finally, Eric let go of your arms, but as soon as he did, you jumped out of your seat, bolting out of the room without looking back.
“Y/N!” Eric called after you, but you just stormed away from the room, the machine and the serum as quickly as humanly possible.
