#downer post

[mxanigel]

.

look, I know some of this is exhaustion and overall mental health struggles in these fucked up days.

but

I genuinely feel wrong living through a time where the truth doesn't matter and everyone has to fit in a box yet feelings are everything but it's okay to have a computer think for you.

I'm a scientist who seeks substantive evidence for conclusions and will spend literal days going down a rabbit hole in search of support for a single statement with the gist of "yeah this thing is probably related" or "no this probably doesn't affect what I'm investigating"

I'm a mentor, spending an incredible amount of time supporting others in finding their footing as scientists/communicators/writers

I'm genderfluid, oscillating between "yep this is the body I have and I can navigate that" and "ugh get me OUT of this thing it DOESN'T FIT"

I'm aceflux, where most of the time I barely comprehend what sexual attraction even is and the other bit of time I wonder if I imagined that part

I probably have chronic PTSD from previous job which is. not. helping. (I literally got called a superperson yesterday in an all-day meeting when some folx were chafing at increasing our workload without proper context for later performance evaluation and I was like "oof I feel that -- I also did nearly double our current workload as a junior-level colleague and I can confirm it sucked")

anyway. I'm barely holding together, and I keep wondering what's the point of all my effort to make my tiny corner of the world a little better if the terrible people in power keep getting what they want.

[jacebeleren]

im soooo fucking mad i missed my ADHD medication evaluation appointment today because i have ADHD and i fucking forgot. i cant stop crying because i feel so stupid and im so angry. i literally requested today off work so i could have this appointment and i still fucking missed it. god fucking damn it. im so sick of how life-ruining ADHD has been for me. ive been stuck in several dead-end jobs because i barely graduated high school and i dropped out of college. ive wasted so much money paying for things and then forgetting about them or paying late fees for important things ive forgotten. i literally have a stack of several years of daily planners that ive never written in in my desk that my therapists / doctors kept telling me to buy instead of JUST GIVING ME THE FUCKING MEDICATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i cant get anything done i cant remember anything i literally dont have object permanence like a newborn baby. i got diagnosed in 2021 and im only now getting around to having an evaluation for medication because ITS FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO KEEP A CALENDAR AND REMEMBER APPOINTMENTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and getting diagnosed was genuinely so embarrassing to me because of the tiktok quirkification of adult ADHD diagnosis. and while im glad i know now so i can at least try to get help i sometimes wish id never found out i have ADHD because thinking about how different my life couldve been if id gotten help sooner pisses me off so bad. and its not like im a person who didnt have access to get diagnosed until recently. ive been privileged enough to have really good healthcare my entire life and ive been in and out of therapy seeing therapists and psychiatrists since i was 10 years old and i got diagnosed autistic when i was 11. but no one ever fucking thought to have me evaluated for ADHD and i didnt know i could ask back then. they just looked at all my problems and said "youre clearly struggling but youre also too smart to need help. just do it." and then they watched me crash and burn instead of FUCKING HELPING ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i have a lifelong history of having so many mental illnesses and disorders but literally none of them make me violently hate myself as much as my adult ADHD diagnosis does. im so sick and tired of this. can they find a fucking cure for this shit. quickly

[the-dozing-cadent]

Content warning for discussion of existential threats.

Imagine, if you will, that you learned about something scary. It could be any level of scary, from mildly frightening to abjectly terrifying. Imagine that youvtried to explain this to someone, maybe someone who was mildly familiar with it or maybe someone who was completely unaware. Imagine that they brush you off. Imagine that half of everyone you try to tell just brushes you off. Surex you might find some like-minded people that recognise and validate your fears, but most people either deny their existence or brush them aside. Imagine the growing dread within you as you realize that nowhere near enough people will react to your fears in order to make a meaningful difference.

That is cosmic horror.

Or don't imagine. Think about the climate. Think about the end of fossil fuels potentially coming long before society can adjust. Think about Coronavirus. Think about the growing worldwide trend of fascist violence against queer people and minorities. Think about the estimated 10 percent of undiscovered meteoroids that have unpredictable and difficult to detect trajectories that may impact the Earth with little warning ("damocloids").

Now do you understand cosmic horror?

[peridotsarelongterm]

Ugh. Was hoping to write some today but now too aggravated over surprise family political confrontations.

I’m a pretty dang easygoing, open-minded person, but fk. You just can’t be that way anymore, and it really sucks when it comes between you and your already tiny family.

[mackieblr]

lil vent under the cut

First, I want to apologize for something you guys didn't know about. My Super Secret Sims Project was supposed to come out just in time for Halloween, but obviously that didn't happen. I'm going to have to do a little bit of tweaking to it now, but expect something in the next few weeks.

I went to the ER last week, which was a lot of fun (/s). I've been having some pain issues and it was unmanageable around this time last week. Cue a super stressful week of follow-up appointments, tests, consultations, and unpaid sick days (oh joy) just to be told that it was my period and I was fine :)

I've been super anxious the last few days to the point where I'm feeling burnt out, nothing seems fun anymore (not even the sims) and everywhere I look people are getting into side hustles which is making me feel obligated to monetize every little bit of fun I have. At least I'm enjoying my new job, but it's contract work and I'm Not getting paid my fair share for it. Guess that's whats up under capitalism.

[pastel-plague-doctor]

I miss having hobbies. I miss making things and feeling proud of them. I miss creating. I want to draw masterpieces, I want to write epic novels, I want to create a work of art that will make other people feel something. I used to have so much creative energy that I felt like I’d never be able to get all of my ideas out into the world, and now I feel completely dry and empty of inspiration. I feel completely devoid of creativity these days and I wish there was something I could do about it. 

[theoldcoffeetragedy]

i want to die i feel sick i’m so scared for the entire fucking world, everything’s going to blow up and there’s nothing at all we can do because human already fucked everything up beyond repair

and even if it gets better, even IF

my life is beyond futile, i’m never getting married, never having kids, I,ll never be the person I wish I was. i’ll never be important, or smart, or remarquable in anyway. then slowly but surely i’ll just get older and things will get worse and at the end it’ll all be for nothing.

[punk360]

Bruh.