Dr. Unsleepable’s Olde Tyme Recipe for a Good Night’s Sleep
As the foremost expert in Unsleepable Sciences (an entirely new and super impressive field named after the pioneering work of yours truly), people constantly come up to me and say, “Oh, Dr. Unsleepable, my real doctor says that I’m not getting enough sleep and rest. But I don’t know how to fix that! Do you have any tips?”
And once I have ended my diatribe about what is a real doctor anyway, I tell them I am too wounded by their insinuation that I am “some quack who just gave myself a title in order to exploit the authoritative leverage our society implicitly gives such persons for my own selfish means” to be of any assistance to them and send them on their merry, tired way.
Then I feel a little bad because I don’t just have tips for getting a restful night’s sleep - I have a safe and reliable cure for sleeplessness entirely!
That’s right! Through countless trials and experimentation, I, Dr. V. Z. Unsleepable, have invented a sleep system that is effective, non-habit forming, and - best of all - easily replicated at home without the use of harsh chemicals or demonic sacrifice!
So the next time you’re tossing and turning, don’t bother counting sheep! Use Dr. Unsleepable’s Olde Tyme Recipe for a Good Night’s Sleep (patent pending)!
* One bed or whatever surface you typically sleep on
* One device that tells time (watch, clock, phone, microwave, etc.)
* All the fears and insecurities that plague the souls of man
2) Try not to think about all your personal failings, unfulfilled dreams, and/or crippling loneliness
4) Berate yourself because of all your personal failings, unfulfilled dreams, and/or crippling loneliness
5) Repeat Steps 2-4 continuously until end
6) Simultaneously with Step 5, use different part of your brain to suddenly remember something important that: a) you’ve failed to do in the last day/week/month; b) is coming up that you need to prepare for; c) you have been procrastinating on despite constant promises to yourself that you wouldn’t anymore; d) is any combination of a, b, and c
7) Strategize on how to correct the thing you remembered in Step 6, taking into careful consideration all the potential and mostly horrible consequences of each course of action
8) Repeat Steps 6-7 continuously until end
9) After stewing in psychosomatic discomfort for an amount of time that could just as easily be eons as seconds, check to see what time it is
10) Emit agonized groan as the answer causes the weight of the future and the futility of existence to fall crushingly upon you
11) Hear noise and immediately assume someone has broken in to kill you
12) Talk self down by reminding self of the statistical unlikeliness of that scenario
13) Worry you are moments away from your own grisly murder anyway
14) Repeat Steps 11-13 when any subsequent noise is heard, adding an extra dash of panic each time
15) Optional: Get super annoying song stuck in your head and/or experience a vivid flashback of a humiliating experience (season to taste)
After some time, your brain should overheat and shut down consciousness in an effort to save itself from madness. For best results, try to actively quiet and empty your brain while completing each step to wear it out faster. Depending on the brain, a “reboot” may occur later in the night which will jolt you back into wakefulness. In such an event, repeat all steps until sleep or death overpowers you and cradles you to its soft bosom.
100% satisfaction guaranteed! Trust me, I’m a doctor.
