#dramamineontopofme

[firstdegreefangirl]

Shoutout to the friends who will let you rubber duck your way through mental breakdowns in their DMs and just … wake up to a dozen messages worth of an emotional roller coaster.

Yes, this is about @dramamineontopofme. Sorry not sorry about your notifs.

[firstdegreefangirl]

‘Thena? Buck doesn’t feel so good.

Buck drags the back of his hand across his forehead as he pulls away from his building, but it’s a futile gesture, and sweat is puddling on his skin again before he’s even turned the corner. He blinks rapidly, trying to keep it from dripping into his eyes as he listens to the directions from his GPS.

It’s not like he doesn’t know how to get where he’s going, but today, he doesn't trust himself enough not to miss the turns. His mind is hazy, like he’s seeing everything through a thick layer of fog, and it’s all he can do to hold his head upright. He’s barely able to focus on driving, never mind remembering which street is which without someone reminding him where to turn.

When he stops at a red light, he looks down at the dials on the console. The air conditioner knob is turned to full-blast, but Buck can’t feel it against his skin. Curiously, he reaches out and hovers his fingers a few inches from the vent. It’s blowing cold air, he can tell, but he’s still burning up. He tries to think about rolling down a window, but the light is green now, and his brain won’t divide itself between the two tasks.

So he swelters, in his icebox of a Jeep, and presses on across LA.

He’s halfway there when his stomach rolls and his spine arches against the wave of nausea coming over him. The sudden discomfort is almost more than he can handle, too much going on all at once, and none of it good.

By some small miracle, Buck holds himself together until he’s able to pull into a gas station and park haphazardly at one of the pumps. He doesn't need gas, and even if he did, there’s no way he’d be able to figure out how to activate the pump right now, but it’s easier than steering and maneuvering into a parking space.

Besides, he belatedly remembers that he’ll have to un-park eventually, and this way he won’t have to try and back through his haze.

With the last fringes of his energy, Buck pulls the keys from the ignition and reaches for the lever to slide his seat back. He tries to move slowly, but gravity takes over and the seat falls away before he’s registered the movement. His head bounces against the headrest as the motion stops, and he groans, reaching up with one hand to rub at his eyes.

When the world is still again, he reclines the seat carefully, until he’s lying halfway flat. There’s a sliver of windshield at the bottom of his field of vision, a tiny strip of bright blue sky. But most of what he’s seeing is the roof of his car, no movement to watch while his stomach churns.

He focuses on taking deep, steady breaths, trying to conjure up the feeling of Maddie’s hand rubbing his back when he had the flu as a kid, wracking his brain for the memories of her gentle touch until he feels like he can sit upright again.

When he leans forward, the seat comes up behind him, supporting him while he gets his bearings straight again. Buck doesn’t feel “better,” by any stretch of the word, but he’s at least coherent enough to know how awful it feels to have his body revolting on him like this.

Read the rest on ao3 here!

[firstdegreefangirl]

Last Ten Fics Meme

Post the first lines of your last ten fics and then tag others to do the same

Tagged by @myemergence

1. Love Starts with a Toothbrush

Buck looks at himself in the mirror, pondering his own reflection and the way the white foam covers his chin before breaking his own eye contact and tipping his chin back.

2. Unnamable Thoughts and Insomnia

TK rolls over onto his back, staring at the ceiling.

3. In Which Jackson is Smart and his Friends Aren’t Subtle

Lucy’s been acting weird lately.  

4. With(out) A First Date

Eddie sinks onto the couch and reaches for Buck’s hand like it’s second nature, like they’ve been touching each other like this for months, not since just this morning.  

5. Long Days and Longer Hugs

It’s all Tim can do to find the energy to button his flannel before he leaves the locker room.  

6. Like I Used To (or not)

Buck looks across the table and smiles at the sight of Eddie focused on the plate of carbonara in front of him.

7. She Waited For Him

Tim slides the house key into the lock of his front door, careful not to let the other keys jingle too loudly as he pushes his way into the living room.

8. Soft As Her Hair

Tim comes over the top of the hill, ignoring the aches in his calves and the sweat dripping down his face.

9. If You Need Anything

“Hey, I’ve gotta go run an errand.”

10. Six Weeks Ahead of Schedule

Lucy feels out of sorts as soon as she wakes up from a night of fitful sleep.

11. All You Had To Do Was Ask

“Eddie, hand me a-” before he can even ask, the neck brace Buck needs appears in front of him.  

12. Caught In The Storm

Eddie could tell as soon as Buck walked into the station that he was having a rough day.

I’ll share 12, because it’s the 10 I started publishing most recently and two longer projects that wrapped up during that time and are listen in the top 10 on my ao3!

Tagging: @stargazerdaisy @kcsplace @dramamineontopofme @rebeccaofsbfarm @the-wardrobeintocamelot and anyone else who wants to play! 

[firstdegreefangirl]

💕💻👾👻

💕: Your top two favorite fictional characters?

First of all, fuck you for this. Favorite to watch? Favorite to write? Favorite to read in fic? Favorite to daydream about? I hate you.

Secondly, to answer, I suppose at this exact moment in time it's probably Jamie Tartt and Angie Polaski from Will Trent. Followed closely by Lucy Chen, but I've been DEEP in my Angie bullshit this week. Ask again tomorrow, it'll probably change.

💻: Desktop/laptop/iPad/other?

Laptop at home, desktop at work. Even if I bring my laptop to work, it's usually for watching shows while I work on the desktop. In dire/lazy situations, and/or if the idea hits hard and fast enough, I'll write on my phone too, but that's my last resort.

👾: Do you believe in aliens?

Ish? Definitely lifeforms outside of our planet, but not little green men.

👻: Do you believe in ghosts?

I do. But more importantly, I think they need to believe in themselves.

[firstdegreefangirl]

31 & 32 submitted by @dramamineontopofme

31. Hardest character to write.

Ooh, this one varies with what I'm working on, but right now I'm working more with Maddie than I ever have before, and she's presenting a unique challenge for me. Between not having a ton of experience with her voice, and that her storyline here has to fit very specific plot points, it's giving me a little bit of trouble in a few places. The challenge is fun though; I like pushing my boundaries like this. :)

32. Easiest character to write.

Lucy or Angela, probably. They're both a lot like me, in different ways, and that makes it easier to get a good grasp on their characters. Scenes with them always seem to come easiest to me, which is good because they turn up in so much of my work haha

[dramamineontopofme]

3 am bullshit with Drama #2

Sup fuckers. If I could stop being afraid of learning about my own mental health that would be fucking great because I'm falling apart at the seams and know it's getting bad but don't want to make it better because I don't want to know how bad it might actually be. But like, then why the hell am I complaining or talking about it if I'm not willing to work on it. That's pathetic and just stupid.

I don't know. I just feel like I'm failing a lot lately and getting angry a lot. Asking for attention and getting on people's nerves because I don't need the attention, not really.

Apparently I'm SUPER FUCKING jealous of literally every small thing, someone be sure to call my ass on that sometime later. And I'm pretty sure that if I were to sit and think about it (I've sat and thought about it) it's because I'm not happy in most parts of my life.

[dramamineontopofme]

3 am bullshit with Drama #1

Alright, so we’re gonna start this one off strong. I’m so goddamn angry all the time over absolutely nothing and I can see myself getting worse. But I can’t go to a doctor for that, right? (wrong. I just need to make an appointment) and like? I could just, y’know, stop being angry?? (Also wrong, i’ve taken enough psych to know I need to work through my shit to get over it) BUT HONESTLY I JUST WANT TO SCREAM AND PROBABLY BREAK SOMETHING FOR NO REASON OTHER THAN THE FACT THAT EVERYTHING ANNOYS ME. I don’t know if it’s because I’m overwhelmed and this is some sort of sensory overload situation or if I truly am just this much of an angry asshole when my shit is out of whack. Not to mention I’m so DAMN THIRSTY! and it’s not the good kind of thirsty? It’s the ‘i need water or I think my mouth is going to turn into the desert.’ kind of dry. 

How long can I make this post before I get tired? I don’t know. I have nothing else to complain about now, but I don’t want to go just yet. Why do I do this t myself? 

AND WHAT’S UP WITH THIS FUCKING ANXIETY ALL THE DAMN TIME? LIke I knew I was anxious, but I didn’t realize it was bad enough that I threw up all the damn time? Bleh, I want to die, i hate myself and I want to die (Don’t take that seriously? It’s something I say to myself when i’m bored and angry. Or maybe do take it seriously? I haven’t figured it out yet. JFC I’m not a danger to myself or anything, I’m just horribly insecure and like to look down on myself) 

I want to say everything and nothing at the same time because this is the internet and this shit doesn’t go away. (NEWSFLASH, KIDDOS, THE INTERNET IS FOREVER.) But seriously, my FBI agent already knows the fics i write and the kinky shit I watch on pornhub, it’s alright. What’s one more list, amiright? 

That’s all? I think? Bleh