So I didn't end up drinking the entire bottle of CM after all. But that just means I have more for later. At least I won't drink it when I'm alone with the kids. Although, it might put me in a better mood.
I haven't been drinking to get drunk (although I wouldn't be opposed). I just want to take the edge off. I've noticed that since I started last Thursday night, I have been generally happier. I can tolerate a lot more of the kids crying and whining. I also was way less stressed out about meeting Michael's extended birth family. I drank before each meeting. On Saturday morning, at about 4 am, I couldn't sleep. I went to Walmart to pick up a gift for Dylan's birthday. When I got back, I knocked back 2 beers and went back to bed. I slept great the rest of the morning - like I haven't in a long time. When I got in the shower later that morning, I took two more in with me and drank them in the shower. I felt great all day.
I know it's wrong for me to want to drink. I just can't help it. I am a lot better when I do. When I'm not drinking, I'm thinking about drinking. That last suicidal thought thing I did last week really shook me. I was afraid I would actually do it. But now, I feel a significant reduction in stress. But I need to drink every day almost.
I tried talking to Michael about how I was feeling, but he just doesn't get it and isn't very nice about it. I told him I thought I needed to go to meetings, but he just doesn't understand why. I guess when you've never really had an addiction, you don't understand.
