Truth Unabridged

[janamack83]

First day of school

So I didn't end up drinking the entire bottle of CM after all. But that just means I have more for later. At least I won't drink it when I'm alone with the kids. Although, it might put me in a better mood. 

I haven't been drinking to get drunk (although I wouldn't be opposed). I just want to take the edge off. I've noticed that since I started last Thursday night, I have been generally happier. I can tolerate a lot more of the kids crying and whining. I also was way less stressed out about meeting Michael's extended birth family. I drank before each meeting. On Saturday morning, at about 4 am, I couldn't sleep. I went to Walmart to pick up a gift for Dylan's birthday. When I got back, I knocked back 2 beers and went back to bed. I slept great the rest of the morning - like I haven't in a long time. When I got in the shower later that morning, I took two more in with me and drank them in the shower. I felt great all day.

I know it's wrong for me to want to drink. I just can't help it. I am a lot better when I do. When I'm not drinking, I'm thinking about drinking. That last suicidal thought thing I did last week really shook me. I was afraid I would actually do it. But now, I feel a significant reduction in stress. But I need to drink every day almost.

I tried talking to Michael about how I was feeling, but he just doesn't get it and isn't very nice about it. I told him I thought I needed to go to meetings, but he just doesn't understand why. I guess when you've never really had an addiction, you don't understand.

[janamack83]

Whoa

So, I was driving in the car and I became lost in thought. I could literally see myself putting a gun to my head and pulling the trigger. Then my daughter spoke to me from the back seat. I gasped because I forgot she was even with me. Both parts of this totally freaked me out. First, that I could actually visualize pulling the trigger and second that I could visualize it with one of my children sitting there in the back seat. It took me a few minutes to catch my breath. I'm still sitting here stunned. What the fuck is wrong with me? I'm really thinking I am not what's best for them even though I do love them so much.

[janamack83]

All of me

I want to be brutally honest. Mostly with myself, but also with anyone who might stumble upon this blog.

I'm staring down a pint of Captain Morgan. I shouldn't be. Even as I write this post, I know I'm going to drink it all. Hopefully not in one sitting. But who knows. This is what happens when you have little to no self control. 

I am probably an expert at how to lose friends and alienate people. I only have one friend. We don't really go do anything. Just occasionally hang out at her house and complain about stuff. No wonder I'm such a miserable shit.

I'm sweating and salivating. Staring at this small, plastic bottle of golden truth serum.

I have a ton of shit to do today too. I doubt I'll do most of it. Hell, I haven't even gone out to feed my animals yet. Laundry, vacuuming, blah, blah, blah. I am so fucking sick of it all. I do love my kids, but I can't wait until they get older and can do their own fucking laundry. 

I know I shouldn't complain. I have a roof over my head and a nice family that drives me bat-shit crazy. I'm sick of my house being a wreck, partly because I've become too apathetic about it. I'm sick of not having money though. I hate that money should be the least important thing in my life, but I absolutely need it to survive.

There are plenty of things I wish I could change about my past. I like to think my past has made me who I am, but that is a problem too. I keep thinking that if I had just tried harder as a kid to deal with my problems I wouldn't be saddled with some of the problems I have now. Like this bottle of Captain. Somedays I'd give my right arm for a time machine and a baseball bat.

I'm contemplating going to an addiction recovery program run through my church. But I don't want to go locally because I don't want to run into someone I know. That would be not so great. I wish I didn't have an addictive personality so I could just say no. HA! I just hope they never legalize pot here. I won't do anything illegal, but if it were legal, I would be in trouble.

Anyway, that's what I'm dealing with at the moment. You will get to know me better as I write. Or not. Doesn't matter to me, since this is mostly for me as a forum to vent.