(Lots of drinking, because it's a fic about Bilbo outdrinking everyone- as a Hobbit should. I don't drink though so. Did my best.)
The great feast in Laketown is going well, ale and wine and food flowing from The Master's kitchens. None are happier about it than Bilbo Baggins, who positively gorges himself on the most plentiful meal he's had in months.
It's about an hour in that Bofur blinks, and then smacks his brother's arm and points. "Are all those tankards Bilbo's?"
Indeed, sitting at Bilbo's elbow is not one, not two, not even three, but four empty tankards of various ales- and a fifth beside him, all piles up, as though he'd been so impatient for more he couldn't even bother to refill the same cup and simple took a whole new one that was already filled.
"That's impossible," Dwalin snorts, halfway through a third of his own. "He'd be drunk enough to drop."
Bilbo, at a separate table from The Company purely to accommodate the sheer size of his meal, happily chugs his fifth, gets up, and returns with a sixth tankard.
Dwalin's jaw drops open. "No."
"Well now I know where that song came from," Bofur laughs incredulously.
"Song?"
"Oh aye, the one I sang in Rivendell- noticed Bilbo hummin' to himself one night along the path and got him to teach me what he'd written of it so far."
"That was Bilbo's song?" Dori says, a little slurred, as Nori occupies himself by trying to steal pins from his older brother's braids and Dori bats his hands away.
"Surprised me as well! I did change up the tune a bit, o' course. ... D'you think Hobbits can't get drunk? It looks like he can't get full."
Nori looks up. "There's a wager. Who can outlast Bilbo in a drinking game? BILBO!"
The hobbit in question looks up and walks over, not quite steady enough on his feet to be considered sober but also not quite as drunk as he really should be, carrying his ale with him.
"Bofur here wanted to challenge you to a drinking game," Nori says, shooting a grin at Bofur as Bofur looks at him with betrayal.
"Well, I don't know about that," Bilbo says, bracing a hand against the table and taking a quick drink. "We're going to be traveling all day tomorrow. We shouldn't get too drunk."
"... You've had six," Ori says, a look almost like horror on his face. "You're smaller than I am. And less to you."
"And?" Bilbo knocks back the rest of his ale and then reaches out blindly to grab a full one on the table- stealing from Nori, effectively, but Nori is too delighted to care. "It's not exactly strong, Ori."
It's not not strong, either.
"How's about I sweeten the deal on Bofur's behalf?" Nori chirps. "If 'e wins, you teach him some Hobbit songs. If you win... 'e teaches you how to carve some of his famous toys."
Bilbo thinks it over. "... How much is Thorin drinking tonight?"
All eyes turn to the king, who sits in a corner and argues with his well and still-standing nephew, a tankard in his own hand and a slouch to his posture that suggests it's far from his first.
"... Well, I do know some good quick-sobering breakfasts we could have," Bilbo relents, raising his new drink. "Are we counting from this new round, or what we had before?"
Bofur's eyes cross and struggle to focus as Bilbo, only growing more chipper and lively as he drinks and drinks, suddenly stamps up on top of the table!
"None of you know how to do this," he says, swaying no small amount but keeping his footing remarkably well despite. "No-no singing yet, even! Where's the singing from-" he pauses to take a drink from his who-knows-how-many-in now- "-from my poor smial, hmm?"
"Why don't you give us a song then?" Nori cheers. "Show us 'ow it's done!"
"As usual," Bilbo sniffs as Bofur's eyes roll back into his head and he slumps, falling under the table and disappearing among the food scraps and discarded pints and ales and wine-mugs.
Bilbo thinks for a moment. "I did-" He laughs to himself. "I did come up with-with a song I could've sung to the-the spiders."
"The spiders?" Dori leans on Nori. "How many 'ave I had to drink?"
"My trumpe' needs cleanin'," Ori declares, at this point in the night practically laying on his brother's side.
"I did! If they- ha! If I told it to children!" Bilbo clears his throat and begins singing a surprisingly merry tune.
"Old fat spider spinning in a tree, old fat spider can't see me! Attercop, attercop!" He laughs himself silly, stamping his feet on the table to provide a bit of rhythm, singing on a silly, half-baked song of insult to spiders- but a song with an easy enough rhythm that the dwarves and men alike can stamp along with it.
Bilbo nearly doubles over by the end of it, pushed back upright by Gloin as the whole room cheers for another song!
"See?" Bilbo says, grinning down at his companions. "Helpless, the lot of you! Come to Hobbiton for my next birthday and see a real party! Now where's Bofur? He knows the next one!"
"Oh, we all know the next one, laddie," Dwalin chuckles.
"Good! More voices is better! The whole- the whole Shire sings along when a song starts up at the pub!" Bilbo makes a grand gesture, spilling ale all over poor Ori's head. "There's an inn, there's an inn, there's a merry old inn-!"
The next morning is slow, indeed- for all but Bilbo. As dwarves blink awake with groans and shielded eyes, Bilbo is finishing setting up an array of foods and non-alcoholic drinks.
"Who'd've thought you lot were lightweights?" Bilbo chuckles as he helps Oin sit up. "Or does ale not stolen from my pantry just hit you harder?"
"No' so loud, lad," Oin groans.
"Come on, eat and drink up and you'll be good as new." Bilbo places a large tray in front of Oin, and then goes to do the same for the rest of his company- save one. "Where's Bofur?"
"Pukin' his guts out in the lake, maybe," Nori moans. "You don' even look tired!"
"As I said, not that strong. I drank more and hardier at my grandfather's last birthday." Bilbo flicks a bit of food off of the top of Nori's head. "Now dig in, it's a family cure for hangovers. Better than anyone in Hobbiton's, no matter what The Gaffer says. Ha! You should taste his home brew- no party is complete without it."
This is part of the Awkward Fluff Collab I am doing with @burnthoneymint and @some-piece (who made the banner!).
Prompt: I’m so sleepy/drunk, but I still try to flirt. What a pity I mistook you for someone else.
Requested by: @burnthoneymint - Writer's pick.
2nd person. Fem!reader. Mentions of alcohol, drunkness.
Pirate parties were your favorite. The food was good, the atmosphere was nice, everyone seemed to be happy, and the alcoholic beverages seemed to be bottomless. You were usually a little more conservative when it came to your drinking habits, life on a ship required you to be sober most of the time for adventures and possible emergencies. But something about parties made the liquid courage so much more accessible and made it easier to convince your mind that a ‘few more drinks’ couldn’t really hurt. Right?
Truth be told, the fact that you called it liquid courage today, was because you were pretty sure you could use some of that quality booze to lower your inhibitions and finally make a move on the ship’s cook. You had your eye on Sanji for a while now, and while you were definitely enjoying all the special attention he gave you along with the other female crew members, you couldn’t help but long for more.
You knew the best way to get there was to let him know that you were interested, but that was way easier said than done. You were a disaster when it came to expressing such feelings, and when it came to flirting? Well, someone call the paramedics because there’s an accident waiting to happen.
That being said, nothing that a little alcohol won’t help, and thus, that’s why you were now on your… well, you couldn’t exactly remember how many glasses you had drunk already, but you were feeling good. A pleasant buzz was in your head, everything seemed funnier than before. It was time to get to the next step of the plan: find the object of your affection, flirt a little, make him want more and then reel him in slowly, like a good fish caught for dinner.
The first signal that something was wrong came the minute you tried to stand up. Your legs felt wobbly, a bit like jelly, and the pleasant, small waves that made walking on deck usually so enjoyable, now seemed like a huge storm determined to bring you out of balance. It took you three tries to get to stand up straight, and another seven to make it across the ship, where you held onto the railing to steady yourself.
“Okay y/n, you can do it. Slow and steady, take some deep breaths”, you tried to encourage yourself.
You followed your own advice, and as you turned to continue on your mission a lightbulb went off in your head. Maybe you should try and test your techniques on someone else first. You could just tell them afterward it’s for Sanji. Maybe you could get some tips to improve, so you would be irresistible when you finally used them on him. In the hazy fog that was clouding your brain, this seemed like the best plan you’ve had in your life.
You walked around, looking for someone that would be okay with your advances in the other crew. Your thought process was, that since you wouldn’t be with the other crew anymore from tomorrow onwards, even if this all went wrong, the awkwardness wouldn’t last. The worst thing that could happen was that Sanji himself would reject your advances, but you trusted him to be nice enough to not hold that against you afterward.
You picked another blond, similar body type to Sanji, wanting to not break the illusion too much. You took another deep breath (and another gulp of your drink) before you made your way over to them.
A million things to say went through your head. Clever things, funny pick-up lines, downright romantic (and slightly melodramatic) opening sentences. So you had no idea why your brain decided that “Nice ass” was the best you could come up with. You had a sly grin on your face, eyebrows slightly raised as you nodded to your own remark. Your hazy brain had officially crowned you the queen of pickup lines, nothing could go wrong.
The man turned around, confusion apparent on his face.
“I’m sorry y/n, you said something?”
“Yes.” You turned your head a little, grin still very present on your face. You took a pause, another sip of your drink and repeated the two words. Again, you were extremely proud at the compliment you had conjured up.
The man looked at you in confusion, and you frowned in response. Why wasn’t it working?
“Y/n, are you drunk?”
“Yeah, a little. What of it?” You felt yourself getting a little defensive. Everyone here was drunk. Why weren’t you allowed to be drunk?
“Nothing wrong with it… but, please be careful, you don’t want to say those kinds of things to the wrong person. They might take advantage of you.”
You frowned. This was supposed to be a practice in flirting, not a talk on the morality of the average man present on the ship. You decided to tell him just that.
“Practise in flirting? With me?”
“Yeah… I kinda just want to flirt with Sanji, can’t do it without this,” you held up your drink and emptied it, holding it out for someone to give you a refill. The man you were talking to gently took the cup from your hands, not refilling it, much to your dismay.
“I think you’ve had enough, Y/n”
“You don’t know me, you don’t get to say what I can or can’t drink. Just tell me what to say to Sanji so he will think I am absolutely irresistible.”
“I’m pretty sure he already thinks that, y/n”
You frowned again, thinking this conversation was going nowhere. You’d go find Sanji now, and just bluntly tell him your feelings. That would work and maybe you could still add in your flirting skills. You tried to grab your cup back to get that refill, losing your balance in the process, falling forward. Luckily the blond guy stepped forward and pulled you back up with an arm around your waist. You didn’t even get the chance to register you were falling.
You gasped from the sudden shock, inhaling his scent, and all of a sudden part of the fog in your head cleared. You felt your knees grow weak and despite the man supporting you, you sunk to your knees on the deck, the man kneeling down with you.
“Y/n? Are you okay? Should I go get Chopper?”
You were feeling all kinds of flustered. Your mind was clear, your words still slurred.
“Sanji- I- You… me… I didn’t think… I thought… I- blond, look like you… IS you… oh no”
He chuckled. “We’ll talk this out after you’ve had a nap, Y/n, you could really use one.”
You were feeling so weak, you could only nod in response, your world a blur again as you felt yourself being picked up and carried to the girl’s room. Your head was spinning, a mix of embarrassment, alcohol-induced dizziness, and a feeling that you couldn’t quite place, but your heart was beating so fast and you felt like you could cry.
When you were dropped on your bed, a soft kiss was placed on your forehead.
“Sanji I-”
“It’s okay Y/n. We’ll talk about this tomorrow. That is, if you can remember it.” He winked at you and let out a chuckle. You looked at your blankets, unable to make eye contact all of a sudden, all the extra confidence that you had gained through the alcohol had been left on deck the moment you fell to your knees. You nodded, and you heard him leave the room, although he hesitated right before the door.
“Are you messing with me? With all this going on, they still think it’s appropriate to play shit music?” Amelia’s words are slurred, and she shakes her head. “Like, fuck, I go to pubs to relax, not to get annoyed over these... weak excuses for songs.”
SEND “BEEP” FOR A RANDOM TEXT FROM MY MUSE.I’ll randomly generate a number between 1-29 for one of the following:
18. A drunk text.[Text:] is imposiable to navigatr yur cityd you kinow that its dumb stupif[Text:] I M not lost in don’t need yoir hell[Text:] Im someere in endingburgh pleas help
sea fam I am very scared right now. yesterday I was at a party and got blackout drunk. I've never tried that before. I could barely walk and I threw up. there's several hours I can't remember. I noticed a pimple like thing on my arm about 5mm from a large vein and I'm really scared that I might have been drugged or have taken something. it's probably nothing but I have no one to talk to about this and I'm very very scared
I suggest going to the doctor if you’re concerned! I think you would have felt it and reacted if that was the case even if you don’t remember it. It’s probably just a lil pimple, though (:
