On the topic of Dumbass!Cop Reader, as suggested by @funky-bonez...
Yandere!Villain who is inexplicably obsessed with you and has been relentlessly trying to get you on his side. He's dangerously intelligent, cunning, manipulative...and yet, you always seem to escape his carefully crafted plans. An even more frustrating affair: you're painfully oblivious to any flirting attempt fired your way.
"We can keep this between us," he drawls, leaning back in his chair. "No one will know you were here."
"I sure hope so," you confess, wiping your forehead and glancing out the window. "I've actually been suspended for two weeks. How was I supposed to know that the maniac stabbing people on stage was an actor?"
"Wait, you're the one who tased the entire Shakespeare troupe?"
Yandere!Villain who often becomes an unwilling hero, saving your ass from whatever dangerous situation you've gotten yourself into. He has concluded a long time ago you cannot be trusted with anything beyond speeding tickets: how the entire Police squad keeps giving you high-risk underground cases remains a mystery to him.
"Careful, they've got a whole team of armed men in there," he warns, stepping in front of you protectively.
"What are you talking about, this is a yoga studio. They even called me personally and told me to come alone for an experience to die for," you explain. "I wonder how they knew my name and job. That's a good marketing team right there."
Yandere!Villain who keeps getting rejected in the most humiliating manner, yet his yearning for you only grows stronger. Another small obstacle - he will have you one day nonetheless.
"Think about it," he presses with oratory passion. "We could rule the world together. You and me."
"I don't know about that," you mumble, lost in thought.
Damn it, you're this close to cracking the case! If only you could figure out what these symbols mean. You scan the folder with a frown, shooing away your suitor.
He stares, then sighs deeply.
"You're holding the paper upside down," he whispers, defeated. "I'll circle the important hints for you. Hand me a marker."
With accidental mob boss reader, I think It'd be really funny if they nursed batman back to health, and then the man just refused to leave because he realized they aren't trying to be a mob boss, so now he thinks they're in danger because obviously they must be being used as a front for the REAL mob boss- meanwhile the other bats are freaking out, and eventually one tries to "save" batman and then joins him in living with mob boss reader to protect them despite the fact there's just nothing to protect them from, until eventually they have the majority of the bats just living in their apartment (they only leave when either Alfred forces them to kidnap reader to the manor, or Jason joins the "protection" squad and threatens to shoot them if they don't get out)
-☀️
Little sun emoji! You have graced my inbox again. And with such a wonderful addition to this concept.
I am imagining the Batfam sitting on the edges of mob bosses's furniture with their capes and cowls on.
As they succumb to yandere-ness they refuse to admit that their dear darling is a mob boss. This little thing? You. You the little blorbo. The little guy/girl/thing. No. You are an innocent lamb who is being taken advantage of by a scary wolf.
It's strange taking care of the batfamily while simultaneously having legions of henchmen to care for. They are like domesticated animals that don't get along. They are constantly fighting and or running to you to settle an argument.
Your henchmen (and other villians) can't believe how skilled you are. You have tamed the batfamily!? You practically have Gotham in your hands. Which catches the attention of the Joker. So I wouldn't say the batfam's paranoia is completely unwarranted.
But, yes. The batfamily will attack your henchmen and they will retaliate, which turns into a catfight that you have to break up. You had to buy spray bottles to teach them not to fight each other. Only, apparently you ordered evil spray bottles by accident? Or your goon messed up the order. So now you gave 100s of bottles filled with various toxic chemicals that you have to get rid of.
You just went to the dollar store to find some and that was... awkward. The cash register person was begging not to be killed at your hands. So you just left some bills on the counter, apologized, and left.
All while being stalked ofc. Damian and Jason are fighting over the binoculars (bcs of they are).
Alfred is your #1. He is your og. The best henchmen. He makes sure everything of yours is organized. Because if you're going to do crime under his roof, then you better do it right.
Brett: I’ve been dropping them the most insanely obvious hints for like a year now. No response.
Y/n: Wow. They sound stupid.
Brett: But they’re not. They’re really smart actually. Just dense.
Y/n: Maybe you need to be more obvious? Like, I don’t know… “Hey! I love you!”
Brett: I guess you’re right. Hey Y/n, I love you.
Y/n: See! Just say that! Though instead of Y/n, use their name.
MYC, walking in: Holy fucking shit.
Y/n: If that flies over their head then, sorry Brett, but they're too dumb for you.
MYC: Y/n, you dumb bitch
i just know this is going to be long since i’m bad at explaining so ignore that. so i have to be constantly moving and can’t sit for more than a 20 minutes. i will go for a walk/run no matter what, example today, i pulled a muscle in my leg and still went walking. i was thinking maybe something with that where the reader hurts themself and the boys have to convince the reader to stay inside and rest.
THE HEATED PAIN ━ R. LUPIN, J. POTTER & S. BLACK
@just-a-smol-spoon
WORD COUNT → 1458 words
AUTHORS NOTE → I hope you like this! I got super inspired by this. But i am sorry about this taking so long, I had to get the "End of the Day" out first, since that one had been in my drafts for way to long! After this, I have one one shot in mind (a Lily Evans smut) but other than that, I gots none, so feel free to bombard me with asks/requests!!
WARNINGS → a bit of blood, broken leg, refusal of resting, stubbornness, cuss words, reader being a dumbass, and i think that's it!
"Ow!," you cried, tears streaming down your face. You sat on the green grass, your y/e/c eyes focusing on your clearly broken leg. Your leg was bent so far to the right, that you can almost see the bone sticking out. You highly didn't recommend this.
The pain was like a constant stabbing pain, shooting up your leg and to your head. You didn't know this exactly happened, only that you were running down the hill (alright, so that may have been stupid, but it was fun, and you didn't get leaves in branches in your hair when your running!), and all of a sudden you had tripped.
And now, here you are. Sitting here, on the muddy and cold grass, your leg broken, and hurting like a bitch. Your hair, that was once out of your face, now swung in front of your eyes, serving to send annoyance through you.
Pain shot through you as you reached behind you to grip onto the tree you were propped up on. You dragged up your body, crying out constantly, as your broken leg was jolted. You continued to try and drag yourself up, even as you slid down slightly, only causing you more agony.
"Y/N STOP!" an echoing shout resounded throughout the small wooded area.
Immediately, you stopped. Your body freezing up in shock. You had definitely not expected for the booming voice of Remus Lupin, one of your beloved boyfriends, to sound out.
Slowly, you turned yourself around, wincing as your leg jolted in pain. “Hi,” you said sheepishly as you looked up at your three boyfriends. James Potter, pretty much the baby of the relationship, stared at you in shock. His hazel eyes staring down at your broken leg, tears bubbling up in his eyes. His lower lip slightly trembled.
Your own eyes widened, when James cried you always felt your heart break. James was your baby, and your baby was not allowed to cry. He kind of stumbled towards you, his gaze still locked on your leg, but as soon as he was close enough, you gripped onto his shoulders and pulled him into your chest. His face landed right on your chest, and his arms wrapped tightly around your waist.
“What ‘appened?” he slurred, his cheek smashed on your collarbone.
“I just took a tumble, Jamesie,” you mumbled, pressing a gentle kiss against the crown of his head. Even though you were in overwhelming pain, you couldn’t help but worry about James. He hardly ever let anyone see him cry, and when he did, it meant he trusted you more than others. You didn’t take that lightly.
You heard a snort in front of you, and you could just smell the sarcasm coming off of your third boyfriend, Sirius Black. The overdramatic diva.
“Yeah, just a tumble,” he snarked, his lips twisted in a frown.
You glanced up at your boyfriend, he was staring at you with his grey eyes narrowed and his lips pulled into a frown. “I’ve just got a broken leg, Siri, it isn't’ the end of the world,” you snarked.
“End of the world or not,” Remus cut in, seeing Sirius open his mouth, “we need to get you to the hospital wing. James, let go.”
Before James could even think about protesting, Remus had scooped you up in his arms, and started his way up the hill, and to the hospital wing. Immediately, you opened your mouth to loudly protest, but one look from both Sirius and Remus, you shut your mouth without a sound.
The walk to the hospital wing was quiet, except for James’ quiet voice asking if you were okay every now and then. As you got closer and closer to Madam Pomfrey (who somehow knew you were coming, and was standing at the entrance of the door) and the hospital wing, you slowly started to get sleepy.
Your head was pressed to Remus’ chest, the gentle beating of his heart, soothing you to a soundless sleep. The last thing you heard before everything went black was, “Merlin, get the girl inside,” and a gentle shutting of the door.
The next time you were awake, you were laying on one of your boyfriends beds, the soft red blanket covering your body, except for your broken leg that was propped up on another pillow. At first, you were confused. Last you remember you were going to the hospital wing, and this was definitely not one of the beds there. Those beds were unnecessarily uncomfortable for being a hospital. Shouldn’t they be comfortable?
Your eyes scanned the room tiredly, noticing none of your boyfriends being in the room. Each of their beds were rumpled, the covers thrown towards the foot of the bed. You assumed you were laying in Remus’ bed, since he always kept his bed clean, unlike your other two boyfriends.
As the tiredness slowly swept away, the urge to go to the bathroom started to overwhelm you. Immediately, you pushed your body up on your forearms, dragged the blanket off of you, and swung your legs over the side of the bed. Well, more like one of your legs, since you needed to gently move your broken leg (that was wrapped up in a white cast) with both hands to the side of the bed. Slowly, you pushed yourself off the bed and put most of your weight on the good leg.
Grunts escaped your cracked lips (having bit them the entire time you moved) as you pushed yourself to the bathroom, your hands holding onto anything that was close. The bed frames, the wall, the shelf beside the beds. Anything.
As soon as you got into the bathroom, sat down on the toilet, and finished, you were exhausted again. Still, you carried yourself out of the bathroom, and started to make your way towards the door.
You still had classes, you couldn’t miss them. Plus, you were starving. Only good thing you’ve noted was the fact that you were still in your school uniform. It would be a bit embarrassing if you were wearing pajamas and walked out like that.
You were so focused on making your way out of the dorm, you didn’t hear the door opening, and you over-protective boyfriends walking through the door. And when you did realize, you didn’t have any time to even look up, before you were being scooped up into someone’s arms, and deposited right back on the bed. A whine escaped your lips as you looked up at the boy who had dropped you on the bed. His shining black mane of hair was pulled back into a ponytail, his hands were on his hips, and his eyes were narrowed down at you.
“Siri!” you whined, your lips forming pout. “What'd ya do that for?”
“You aren’t allowed to leave the room,” he snipped, his lips pulling down into a deep frown.
“But---”
“NO!” he snapped, “No buts, you are staying in this bed, until your leg is better.”
You stared up at your boyfriend with narrow eyes. You didn’t like staying in bed, it was boring. You could be doing anything better than that. There is no point in just staying in bed all day, every day, when you could be doing something important with your time.
You snapped open your mouth to argue, but when you saw the slight fear in his eyes, the slight worry that he tried to hide, you closed your mouth. A sigh ripping from both your mouth and chest. Sirius may not like to show it, and only show himself as a hardcore playboy, he was soft. He liked soft blankets, not the ones that have designs, or wool on them. He liked to cuddle up to someone’s chest after a long day -- it usually varied from what happened. He liked to make up pranks with the boys, and tease James over his cute whimpers, even though he whimpers twice as loud.
He hides all of that behind his wall of play-boyness, and dramatics. But right now, he isn’t hiding. He’s looking at you with shaking hands, and teary eyes.
Another sigh ripped from your chest, before you opened your arms up to him, and let him fall into you, careful of your leg. “I was worried,” he mumbled, his arms tightening around you. “Don’t do that again.”
You held him even as Remus and James cuddled up against you two, when they found you guys like that. You held him as the day turned to night, and you all fell asleep.
Even though you really didn’t want to be confined to the bed, you would do it for him. You would do anything for you boys.
Honestly I’ve been extremely hyper fixated on the movie Laid to Rest recently and like-
Reader being hired after bitch boy Preston had been terminated??? Yes please
Like honestly the reader is really good at their job but they honestly have no idea what they’re doing half the time and is honestly so close to losing their shit.
And like- the only reason that Jesse started to tolerate them is because they’re funny as hell. Not because they tell jokes- no, it’s because of their awkwardness and constant muttering under their breath of things that doesn’t even make sense.
Jesse Cromeans walking in on y/n looking back and forth at the can of coffee in one hand and an energy drink in the other
Y/n muttering: the outcome of combining these two drinks would either have me finish all of these paperwork before 5 or kill god
Spann walking in: Sir-
Jesse signing: shush I want to see what happened
Y/n slowly combining the two drinks while crying and laughing at the same time: to become god at what cost
Spann: N O-
The only reason the reader got the job is because they walked into the wrong building for an interview on accident with such false confidence that they went through security without a hitch (Spann was too stunned) and busted into Jesse’s office and slammed their resume onto his desk shouting “IM QUALIFIED PLEASE HIRE ME” only to quickly walk away and trip on the way out.
Also reader is surprisingly qualified for the job??? Like sure they did odd jobs in the past, but most of those jobs and education fit pretty well, and honestly Jesse was pretty bored and wanted to see what would happen.
I’m sorry but I just love dumbass reader who’s good at their job
flirty "lin i had a nightmare :(*pretend they had mobile phones and flirty is recording* lin: "aww bubbas you wanna cuddle will that make you feel better?" *she notices the camera* "delete it FUCKING DELETE IT" it ends with them running around the apartment and lin falls on a giant rock that flirty brought home and one day lin gets railed on said giant rock
flirty: lin 😔😔 i had 😟😟 a nightmare 😭😭
lin: aww no 😟😟 my poor wiwwe baby 😔😔 c'mere 🥺🥺
lin: iS thAT A PhOne aRe yOu RecOrdiNg mE??!! 😡😡🤬🤬
flirty: uhh i gotta i gotta 🏃🏃 i gotta dip 🏃🏃
flirty and lin not even 10 minutes later: 😩😩🥵🥵 🗻🗻
hghhhhhhh the thought of going down on lin and her fingers tugging and pulling my hair harshly?? sign me the fuck up
More Dumbass!Cop Reader, this time with a Yandere!Eldritch God. Every detective before you has either vanished into the thick mist, or returned home overwhelmed by madness and terror. Unfortunately for the ancient God, mind tricks don't work as well when the victim doesn't...have one to begin with.
You arrived on the cursed island and confidently slammed your luggage before the guide.
"This is your last chance to run," he warned, staring at you with his sunken face. His cracked lips quivered in fear.
"No thanks, I already went to the bathroom," you said, patting him on the shoulder. "Next time I won't order a venti, you don't have to rub it in my face."
The first night you tossed and turned, tormented by strange dreams no mortal has dared to dream before. Something loomed over you, something colossal and alien. It whispered cosmic secrets into your ears, rapping against your temples and echoing within your skull.
If only you actually remembered anything from it.
"Shouldn't have scarfed down that wrap," you told your assistant. "I knew the fish smelled strange. Gave me the silliest dreams. Fresh catch my ass," you grumbled, speeding past the peculiar statues and nonchalantly pushing aside a hooded figure.
Something fishy was happening in this town, and you were going to get to the bottom of it. Conveniently enough, just as you were about to head out, the mysterious monk grabbed your wrist and offered to take you straight to their underground hideout. That's where they were worshipping the Beast. Could it have been a trap? Unlikely: you had the cultist promise this wasn't a ploy to offer you as a human sacrifice. It's like, a moral law, you explained to the pale assistant, they have to keep it.
Then you stood before the darkness. It was vast, burning holes into your soul; a never-ending, incomprehensible labyrinth. The Eldritch God observed you curiously, probing your mind and trying to reveal itself to you.
"How the hell is there so much space in here," you whistled in awe. "Did you find it like this, or did someone just...shovel the ground away?"
You blissfully turned away from the cosmic creature, describing the business potential to the speechless followers. This could be a strip mall, you argued with enthusiasm.
The leader stood up, his expression drained. Were his ears deceiving him, or did the one and only God of this island demand that they look after this human? Future spouse? His knees weakened, and he fell back, flat onto the ground.
Now all I'm imagining is sentient Gotham chucking Constantine at accidental mob boss!reader whenever something supernatural happens to them. Constantine could be across the city and suddenly he's been sucked into the ground and spat back out where mob boss!reader is being proposed to by a demon
-☀️
Sentient Gotham is shipping John Constantine x Mob Boss reader so hard. It's only half because John is the only other person who can hear and understand Gotham.
John kills any supernatural being that tries to touch reader. He's possessive. Broody. And isn't liked by much of the Batfam due to his stand-offishness. Alfred threatens to take away John's sleepover privileges if he gets in another squabble with one of the family members.
But your goons and henchmen? They like him. They see him as just another one of your protectors. Your servant. Sidekick. Whatever you prefer.
