when i picture you
in which kayce dutton sees his childhood sweetheart after sixteen years…
PAIRING: kayce dutton x fem!reader
WARNINGS: ANGST ANGST ANGST, awkwardness, CRAZY amounts of yearning, cussing, arguing, regret, did i mention angst?
WORD COUNT: 3.1k
🎶 : when i picture you - chappell roan
AN: ♥️ - i do not endorse holding onto first loves, it's crazy and will only hurt you and everyone else in your life in the process!! THIS IS THE SECOND PART OF IM TOO SCARED TO SAY!!
“A call for you.”
“Thank you, James. Did they say what it’s regarding?”
He shook his head. “He just kept asking for you. I told him you don’t take unscheduled calls, but he… he said that you were old friends.”
Y/N's heart dropped. He had some nerve, to call her after all this time. After pushing her away.
“Would you like me to transfer them?”
“That would be great, thank you.”
“Alright. He’s on line one.”
She took a deep breath, picking up the phone. “Y/N Y/L/N, partner of Phillips and Y/L/N, how can I-”
“Y/N.”
Her eyes widened, ignoring the feeling of disappointment building. “Mr. Dutton?”
“I told you-” He coughed. “Call me John.” Yes, he had told her that. He’d told her that sixteen years ago. “I need you back at the ranch.”
“Sir…” Her heart fluttered even thinking about Kayce. “After the way I left, I don’t know if that’s wise. Besides, I can’t just-”
“Your boss is an old friend of mine.” She’d almost laughed. He still walked over her like it was nothing. “I already talked to him, everything’s taken care of.”
“Well, that’s wonderful. If you don’t mind me asking, why haven’t you asked Jamie? He’s your current lawyer, correct?”
She and Jamie had always had a kinship; leaving Montana and going to law school so close allowed them to become closer than they ever had while at home.
“Jamie’s no longer on speaking terms.”
“I see.” She squeezed her eyes shut. She couldn’t even imagine what shit they’d gotten into in the nearly twenty years she’d been gone, and she didn’t want to. Unfortunately, it looked as if she had no choice. “When would you like me there?”
The sunset was magical, perfection in her opinion. While she’d fallen for the New York skyline, Montana’s view had been her first love. Montana held a lot of her first loves, actually.
She walked through the arrival gate, smiling when she met Beth’s eyes. They’d never gotten along, but it was nice to see a familiar face after so long.
Beth looked as if she felt the same, smiling as Y/N hugged her quickly. “Little Y/N.”
“Beth. How are you?”
“Just dandy. Daddy’s dead, and I’m playing chauffeur.”
“I-” He just called her, what did she mean he was dead? She frowned. “I’m so sorry Beth.”
“He knew what he was doing, calling you. It's very impressive; the career you’ve built for yourself.”
“Thank you.” She felt wrong smiling after learning the news. “I assume we’re going back to the ranch.”
Beth nodded. “While we have it.”
“What?” Beth turned around, and Y/N chased after her. “What do you mean, while you have it?”
The car ride had been quiet, not that she minded. Her flight had been full of crying babies and annoying passengers, the last thing she wanted to do was talk to Beth for an hour and a half.
Her breath caught as the lodge came into view; all her memories from the first 18 years of her life came flooding back, along with the realization that she would be seeing Kayce sooner rather than later. “How is he?”
“You know how he is. Pissy, but fine.”
She didn’t know him anymore, that was the thing. She’d loved him for so long, and now he was just a figment of her imagination, a stranger. “Has he-”
“Miss Y/N?” She looked out the window, grinning as she threw the door open, practically jumping into the man’s arms.
“Lloyd! Look at you.” She felt like a kid again. “You haven’t changed a bit.”
“You have. All grown up now.” He smiled. “All the Montana’s left you.”
“Well, I wouldn’t say that.”
Beth whistled, drawing her attention away from the stable hand. “I- I’ll see you around.”
“Well, I hope so.”
She grinned, kissing him on the cheek quickly. “You can bet on it.”
Being here, it felt like she was transported back to 2007. It was like a museum, exactly as she’d left it, imagined it in her mind whenever she got homesick. The fire was still going, even though it was late July.
Beth pulled her from her thoughts, walking further into the house. “You hungry?”
“Not real-”
“Don’t worry, he’s not here.” Ah. So Beth was aware. She even looked almost sorry for her. “I can have Gator warm up some leftovers.”
“That sounds perfect, thank you.”
Beth looked tired, more tired than Y/N had ever seen her before. Normally, the ginger was a ball of energy, well, more like a bomb of energy, waiting for her fuse to be lit. Still, it was odd seeing a spitfire dimmed to a mere spark. “How have you been, since all of this?”
“Fine. As fine as I can be.” She poured herself a drink, and Y/N ignored the fact it was only 2 in the afternoon. “I have a plan.”
There was the Beth she knew. “I knew you would.”
“Gator!” Beth called out.
“Yes, ma’am-” The man’s eyes lit up, and he walked over. “Miss Y/N!”
“Gator!” She stood from her seat, hugging him tightly. “It’s good to see you.”
“You too.” He smiled. “Can I-”
Beth cleared her throat. “Could you warm her some leftovers?”
“Anything. Anything at all. Would you like a chocolate milkshake? Just a hint of coffee?”
Her heart melted, placing a gentle hand on his arm. “You remembered.”
“Of course.” Beth raised an eyebrow, and Gator nodded, walking back out of the kitchen. “I’ll be right back.”
Y/N waited until the chef had left before looking at Beth. “Why am I here, Beth?”
“Getting straight to business. What happened to little Y/N?”
“Just wondering why your father called me days before his death to come back home.” She crossed her arms. “I feel like I’m missing something.”
At that comment, Beth had cackled. “You have no idea.”
“What’s going on-”
The front door creaked open, and Beth smiled. “In here, baby.”
Maybe business could wait until later. Y/N smirked. “Baby?”
Beth nodded. “Baby.”
“I’m assuming baby is Rip then.” Y/N wiggled her eyebrows. “You two were always-”
“Y/N?”
She froze. Beth’s normal smirk grew tenfold, taking another sip of her bourbon. “Reunions are so fun, don’t you think?”
“Y/N is that you?”
She forced herself to stand up, turning around. “Kayce.”
He was smiling, which she was surprised by. “It’s been a while.”
She swallowed, nodding. “Yeah, it has.”
Beth groaned. “God, can one of you just address it?”
“Address what?”
She was beautiful, there was no doubt about it. Y/N felt deeply insecure just being in the same room as her. She was effortlessly perfect, and the way she looked at Kayce- God, she was wearing a ring. Her head started to spin, grabbing the counter to center herself. Kayce’s eyes widened, and he stepped forward, reaching an arm out. “You okay?”
She nodded, god that was all she could do right now. “I’m-”
“Dad, who’s this?”
Dad? She pulled her eyes from Kayce’s taking in the teenager that stood in front of her. He had to be fifteen, or sixteen years old. Just around how long she’d- pulling her arm out of Kayce’s hold, she fixed her blazer and cleared her throat. “If you’ll excuse me, I need to unpack.”
“Y/N-”
“Excuse me.”
Kayce waited until she’d gone upstairs to glare at his sister. “What the hell, Beth?”
“What?”
“Why is she here?”
Monica looked lost. “Who is she, exactly?”
“Yeah, Kayce,” Beth smirked, wiggling her eyebrows. “Who is she?”
“Beth, what did you do?”
“Oh, I didn’t do anything. This-” She waved her finger around in the air. “Is all Daddy’s doing.”
“What do you mean-”
“I mean, Dad called her before he died, and asked her to come back to the ranch.”
She grabbed the first Carhartt jacket she’d seen, pulling it closer as she walked toward the stables. She couldn’t stay in the lodge any longer, knowing that Kayce and his wife and son were there. It was a hard reminder of what she could’ve had, what she should’ve had if Kayce hadn’t broken her heart that day.
The stable was warm, the perfect respite from the cold of the afternoon air. Her eyes gazed at the names on the stall doors, desperately hoping one horse was still there from her time. JR.
She pushed the door open, grinning as the horse almost immediately recognized her. “Hey, JR.”
The horse nickered, rubbing its snout against her palm. “Wanna go on a ride?”
She showed no sign of protest as Y/N removed her shawl, tightened the saddle, and led her out of the barn. “I’ve missed you, you know.” The horse just stared into the distance. “You’re an old girl now, aren’t you?” At that comment, the horse visibly protested, and Y/N laughed for the first time since her arrival. Hooking her foot in the stirrup, she hoisted herself up, petting JR’s side gently. “Let’s get out of here, huh?”
She should’ve never came back, she thought to herself. She should have never rode out here either, without anything to protect herself with. She could hear the wolves howling in the distance, but she couldn’t find it in her to leave.
If she left she would have to see Kayce again. He was just as perfect as the day she’d left him, although, she laughed to herself, he finally grew that beard he’d always wanted.
“Well look at that.”
She’d thought she was going crazy for a second, but his voice was unmistakeable. She made no movement to turn around, she couldn’t look at him without going crazy.
Kayce laughed, carefully approaching her until they were face to face. There went her plan of not looking at him. “I thought I’d find you here.”
She scoffed. “I came here for some solace, Dutton.”
“Oh, I’m Dutton now?” He raised an eyebrow.
“Well, I don’t think your wife and child would enjoy me calling you pet names, now would they?” She retorted, enjoying his shocked expression. “Just leave me alone.”
“Can’t do that, now can I?”
“Yeah,” she jutted her hip. “And why’s that?”
“So much catchin’ up to do.” His smile peaked through, and she fought the blush she knew was growing on her cheeks. He had this horrible effect on her after all these years. “Why’d you come here?”
“I think you know why.” She glared as hard hard as she could at him, sitting beside the creek. Kayce got a horrible sense of deja vu as he watched her, but he continued on, sitting right beside her. “Are you happy?”
He nodded. “I am.”
She smiled. “That’s good. Really good Kayce.”
He ignored how his heart fluttered when she said his name. “And you?”
“I’ve been better.”
“You got anyone?”
She laughed, actually laughed. “No one’s interested.”
“Well, they’re missing out.”
She looked over, blushing when she realized he’d been staring at her the entire time. “What are you doing, Kayc?”
“What do you mean?”
“What is this? Why can’t we just- let’s just not talk to each other.” She stood up, dusting off her pants. “Just pretend we never knew each other. Okay?”
He sat there in shock for a moment, before following after her. “No.”
“No?” She whipped around, and he almost smiled at the fire that blazed in her eyes. There she was, the girl he knew. “Excuse me?”
“You heard me.” He stepped toe to toe with her. “I can’t go on like this any longer. I lost you sixteen years ago, and now that you’re back, I can’t do it again.”
“Yes, you can.” She nodded. “You can, because you have a whole life now. You can’t just leave because I came back once.”
“Well, then what do you want me to do?”
“I want you to be the good man you’ve always been.” Her heart broke as she said it. “That woman loves you, and your son would never forgive you. I know it.”
“What about the letter?”
“It- That was a goodbye letter. It was meant for closure.”
He laughed. “Well shit. It didn’t work, because all I’ve thought about for years was that letter.” He grabbed her hand, holding it over his heart. “It haunts me.”
“I can’t do this, Kayce. You can’t do this.” Her voice was small. “You have a family, a son. Who suspiciously-” She laughed humourlessly, feeling like a broken record at this point. “Is about as old as how long I’ve been gone.”
“You can’t- you can’t be mad at me for that! You told me I was dead to you, that you couldn’t even look at me-”
“Well, you told me you didn’t love me!” She yelled. “What was I supposed to say? Alright with me. Fine? You’re a real bastard, Kayce Dutton.”
“Well, shit, baby-” His eyes widened. “I couldn’t have you settlin’ for me-”
“Well, it looks like your life went pretty well. Wouldn’t you say?” Tears were now streaming down her face. “By the way, fuck you for taking that away from me.”
She whipped around, stalking toward her horse. He yelled at her disappearing figure. “That’s my coat you got on!”
She gasped, pulling it off as if it was on fire. “Take it!” He stood there in shock, good. Served him right. Walking up to the tree she’d tied JR to, she pulled the reigns loose, walking her out of the woods.
Kayce sighed, walking after her. “Come on. You’ll freeze without it.”
“I don’t-”
He grabbed it, trying to put it back on her frame. “Just-”
“Kayce, stop!” She shoved him away, getting on the saddle. “Leave me alone.” Not even bothering to wait for his reply, she kicked JR’s side, sending her into a full gallop.
“Y/N!” Kayce kicked the dirt, jumping up on his horse and following after her. “Goddamit.”
JR was old, there was no doubt about it, but she was fast, and Kayce was struggling to catch up to her. “Just slow down, let’s talk-”
“I swear to god-” She groaned, urging JR to run a little faster. “C’mon girl, just a little faster.”
He reached out, grinning when her reigns laid in his hands. He pulled, and JR slowed down to a slow walk, much to Y/N’s dismay. She jumped off the horse, stalking up the hill.
“Stop running!”
She scoffed. “I should stop running?”
“That’s what I said, isn’t it?” He barked back. “Goddamit, you won’t even look at me for more than a few seconds.”
“Do you blame me?” Tears were still falling down her cheeks. “You broke my heart, Kayce. Broke it completely in two. Excuse me for being erratic. You can’t just tell a girl you imagine her as your wife one day and then break up with her the next!”
“We could have never had that!” He yelled. “You had too much potential, and I love you too much- I loved you too much to hold you back in life. I belong here, and you belong out there.”
“For the last time, you don’t get to decide that for me. I am a grown woman, Kayce John Dutton.” She pinched her nose, squeezing her eyes shut. “I swear to god, that argument didn’t hold up 20 years ago, and it doesn’t hold up now.”
"I was right, wasn't I? Look at the career you've built."
"I never wanted that. I wanted you!" She practically hissed at him. "You’re a coward. That’s what you are.”
“Oh yeah?” He scoffed. “I’m the coward? You're the coward, returning your ring. Writing that ‘goodbye’ letter!”
A sob wrecked through her. “It’s over, Kayce. It’s been over for sixteen years.”
“NO!” His voice rang through the valley. “It’s not over. It’ll never be over.”
“Kayce-”
“Baby-”
“Dont! Don’t call me that.” She pushed at his chest. “Just leave me alone-”
“I can’t.” He whispered, holding her wrists gently. “All because of that goddamned letter.”
“Get rid of it then if it 'haunts' you.” She leaned her head against his chest, tiring out. “I should have never come back.”
“Don’t say that.”
“I mean it. You were right, when you pushed me away. We would have torn each other apart. We would have-”
“No, we wouldn’t have. We would have been happy-”
“Kayce!” She sobbed. “Just stop it. Stop the ‘would’ve,’ it’s not going to help either of us.” Reaching up, she pushed a strand of hair behind his ear. “Can you promise me something?”
“Anything.” His voice sounded desperate.
“Don’t think about me anymore. Love your wife, love her properly, without me in your mind.”
“I-” His face looked positively heartbroken. “Why?”
“You married her Kayce, not me! In the grand scheme of things, I was just a high school girlfriend. You have a whole life with her. I will not-” She hiccuped. “I will not be a homewrecker.”
“I- I can’t.”
“Yes you can.” She smiled through the tears. “Because you’re a good man, Kayce Dutton.”
“I-”
“Swear to me.”
“I-” He sighed, kissing the inside of her hand that still lingered on his cheek. “I swear to you.”
“Good.” She nodded, forcing herself to smile. “Now guide me back to the ranch. I’m lost.”
“Of course you are.” He laughed, still standing in place, relishing in her touch for the first time in sixteen years. “I missed you.”
“Stop.” She shook her head. “You swore.”
“Sorry, sorry.” He muttered. “Let’s go back home, yeah?” Holding her hand in his, he walked them back down the hill, their horses waiting diligently at the bottom.
“What’s her name?” Her voice was a whipser, he had barely heard it.
“Monica.”
“She’s beautiful.”
He smiled, nodding. “Yeah, she is.”
“And your son?” She sounded like she was holding back tears. “What’s he like?”
“Reserved. Kind. Loves horses.”
She laughed. “Just like his father.”
“Nah.” Kayce shook his head, hoisting her up on JR’s back. “He’s like his mother.”
Y/N had left two days after that, figuring out his father’s will and saying her goodbyes in record time. She’d shook his hand, when she left. It almost made him laugh, their last interaction was a handshake.
She’d smiled at Monica, saying niceties. When she looked at Tate, her eyes softened, and Kayce's heart almost broke all over again. “You’re a lucky kid.”
Tate had laughed. “Thank you?”
“Take care of your parents, yeah? You only get two of them.”
Monica smiled. “You should listen to her.”
Beth yelled out from the car. “You coming?”
That was the last he’d seen of her. The first love of his life. He’d tried hard to keep her promise, but she was everywhere. She was in the letter, in the ring that lay on the chain holding his dog tags. The ring that got him through his tour.
“Kayc?” Monica called out. “You coming in? Dinner’s ready?”
“Yeah, baby.” He smiled, tucking his dog tags back in his shirt. “I’m coming.”
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