#dxlives

[dxmedstudent]

We're in a heatwave and my cranky baby refuses to nap if he isn't attached to me like a limpet. Send help.

[dxmedstudent]

Dear friends, I am very sad right now. Two people very close to me are very unwell, and I just need to share. Being postpartum, there's a limit to what I can do, which in itself hurts because I want to do something. I want to help. I want to make things better. And I can't.

My best friend's dad has broken his hip a few days ago, but has become too unstable to operate on, and we fear that he is dying. He is comfortable, but it is heartbreaking to know that he almost certainly isn't going to recover.

Dementia and heart failure have made the recent years very hard for him and his family, but I'd like to share how I think he'd prefer to be remembered. He is a very kind man, and would do anything for his two kids who he is immensely proud of. He came to the UK for a better life and worked hard. In many ways, he has been like a father to us, too. I hope against hope that he can rally, but just hope more than anything that his symotoms can be managed well so he does not suffer. I wish he could live to see his daughter get married this summer. He is deeply loved.

The other person my heart breaks for right now is my aunt. The nice one not the unhinged one. My aunt also broke her leg about a month ago and broke the same leg again today, probably due to her Osteoporosis. She needs to transfer to another city for care; and I'm very worried for her too, given the increasing complexity of her operations. I'm scared and I'm sad.

She spent years tirelessly caring for family and has only just retired after a long life of hard work. She's always been accepting and loving, and generous to a fault. She deserves so much more than the hard life she's had, and i want her to enjoy her retirement as much as possible. I hope she can finally enjoy some peace after putting herself last for so long.

She was sadly not able to have children, however she has been by far the most excited about our journey to have kids - helped by her cheeky sense of humor.

She has been ecstatic to see our baby thrive this past month, and i hope more than anything that she can see him grow up for a long time. She's not been able to meet him as we live in different countries. I'm very scared both about the risks of having a complex operation and how much function she may lose as a result of her injuries. I'm worried for her mobility in the longterm. I desperately want her to be OK.

If you have any good vibes to spare, I'd appreciate them right now.

[dxmedstudent]

Spring is here...and so is Baby!

(TW: mild, non graphic discussion of pregnancy and birth).

Pictured: my first ever mothers' day presents, a bouquet of mixed purple and white flowers, and a bunch of daffodils.

So I'll probably post about my pregnancy in more depth at some point as it was an interesting experience that is hard to believe is actually over.

However, I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes (rather unusually, this was weeks after my initial OGTT was negative!) after he measured a little big. We managed to control it well initially, but over the weeks it became more difficult to manage.

DxBaby was due in late March, and around 3 weeks ago I had just taken some leave at around 37 weeks with the aim of getting some preparation done before he was born. I was also hoping for a little rest before the chaos.

Unfortunately, we kept having concerns about his movements or my blood sugars, and my diabetes team and obstetrician became increasingly concerned about the prospect of waiting until after 39 weeks to deliver. As diabetes in pregnancy is linked to placental function, and reduced movements can potentially be a sign-off placental dysfunction, we all felt that the safest thing was getting baby out early before the placenta function got worse. Gestational diabetes increases the risk of stillbirth - albeit the risk is highest in those who aren't diagnosed or treated. It's a relief to have our baby in our arms, it's been a long journey and there were times that I thought we might never be where we are today.

The decision was made to bring things forward and the date got moved a couple of times, resulting in an early term CS at fairly short notice!

The day itself went smoothly and the operation went really well - baby was born to a Studio Ghibli playlist because I left it to DxDude to decide on something relaxing. It was a great experience and I felt well looked after.

I think I have recovered well in general - the pain was initially a big hurdle, and it's a big adjustment mentally as one might expect.

We've had some problems with establishing breastfeeding, and are making progress with a lot of support from various professionals. Currently baby is on quite an intensive top up regimen with expressed milk which has worked - but it's quite time consuming to breastfeed and pump and give expressed top ups, and I'm still struggling with getting a good latch consistently so it is pretty sore at times.

To be honest, that probably didn't help my baby blues, though I'm doing better and I hope I'm over the worst of it now. Overall, we have had a lot of laughter and it's been an amazing bonding experience so far, we're both happy with how things are going. But it's amazing how one minute you can be feeling great and the next you can be in tears and feeling like the worst parent ever ever something incredibly minor.

Unfortunately a couple of our household appliances chose to break not long after and we had planned to move house but unfortunately the sale fell through, so I've had a fair bit of non-baby drama to keep us occupied.

Oh and poor Sherlock got stress cystitis. He's been a very good boy at adjusting to baby in general, but it's still a LOT for him to process. He's doing a bit better now but I still feel bad for him because we can't always give him time when he wants us to. I hope that as baby feeds a bit less often in the coming months I can spend more time with him.

Baby is very cute, even for a newborn who spends nearly all their time sleeping. Even though right now it feels like pretty much all our time is spent keeping him alive (and doing laundry), and babies complicate your life logistics considerably, we feel very lucky to have him. He brings us so much joy even when he's spiked the 4th nappy in a row and can't be put down. We can't wait to get to know baby and see them grow.

The past couple of weeks have therefore been a blur of baby and cat appointments, doling out medicines to me and my cat, and poor DxDude working to look after us all.

He's been amazing through it all, honestly. And whilst obviously I wouldn't have had a child with someone I didn't think would make a good parent and partner... it's *still* been impressive how thoughtful and prepared he's been (probably much more prepped than I was, in some ways) and how much he's been gently making sure i don't neglect my own care. He's been doing so much that I honestly felt bad that I couldn't do more - and he's had to constantly remind me that I gestated and birthed a baby via a major operation and am keeping said child alive with my body, which is 24/7 job. I don't know how people do it with a half assed partner, let alone on their own, honestly.

Recovering is strange because at first you can't do many things for yourself, and I've found that odd as someone who is used to getting things done independently and being the clinician rather than the patient. I've had to be careful not to overdo things as it's really tempting to push yourself...but that's a bad idea in reality.

[dxmedstudent]

Enjoy the meme I sent DxDude after our egg retrieval.

We had a good number of eggs and most of them have fertilised! They are now chilling out and growing for 3 days and we shall see how many of them develop well. It's normal for a degree of attrition at each stage, so I've warned DxDude that we may not get many blastocyst that are healthy enough to implant this coming week.

This is precisely why the aim is to collect as many eggs as reasonably and safely possible. It's strange how full of hope and promises a few tiny cells can be, I'm really hoping they develop well, if only you could psychically spur on your peetri dish children to flourish! I have a lot of feels about them, and I really hope we can get enough healthy blastocysts out of this cycle to have a baby - though I know there is a good chance that may not happen, but they will be loved even if they perish along the way.

I may update you guys with more numbers, but I think I'd like to see how things develop first.

We were offered standard IVF or ICSI - though as they felt that icsi wasn't needed we opted to let them mingle organically to see how well they would fertilise. The difficult thing is that on your first cycle, you have no idea how you'll respond to medication or what the problem is and whether ICSI would help. If we end up having more rounds, we will hopefully have an idea of what has not worked.

The procedure itself went smoothly. I got the good stuff for pain relief, and what they say about propofol is true, it burns! Alfentanil made me feel sort of drunk. I also got a diclofenac PR that I was very grateful for - given that I effectively had a knitting needle repeatedly punched into my swollen ovaries via my vagina. I'm sharing this specifically because there's justified concern around women historically receiving inadequate pain relief for procedures. I'm still a little sore days later, but it's not too bad.

The staff were lovely and I was pleasantly surprised that nearly all of them were women. Of course I wouldn't care if they were male, but it's interesting how big and diverse the team of people working with you are. We saw plenty of nurses and ODPs, multiple embryologists, an andrologist, an anaesthetist and a fertility specialist just for this one procedure, not counting the appointments that I've had prior (many nurses, multiple specialists, pharmacists, ultrasonographers, receptionists etc).

There's something kind of lovely about a big team of people working together to help you make a family. It might be a lonely journey at times, but it's nice to know we are not alone.

[dxmedstudent]

I'm in the process of revamping wardrobe because as you can imagine, my physique has not stayed the same in the past few years, especially given that I got pregnant and had a baby.

I do occasionally buy new, especially when my preferred and theoretically more ethical manufacturers have sales, but I probably get most of my stuff second hand - much of it still with tags on. It feels more environmentally friendly to be saving something from being landfill, and honestly? Given how much my body changed in a year keeping up would have been pricey.

I'm currently adding clothing that is breastfeeding friendly, preferably without exposing my entire midriff or an expanse of breast. Because that's chilly and I just don't want to. I'm donating stuff that I'm almost certain I'd never fit into again, and accepting that my current post pregnancy shape is not what it was before.

Anyhow I've just taken a lot of psychic damage because I'll look at an item I like that I think is fairly timeless - if maybe *slightly* dated and be hit with tags like #y2k #retro #oldschool #ancientfashion #ifyoulikethisyouareadinosaur (the last two may be able exaggeration).

I do find it amusing that much of what gets labelled y2k is really 2010s fashion, sometimes technically closer to today than the year 2000.

And it's kind of hard to admit to oneself that much of what formed my core fashion sensibilities has dated. Fashions change, and sometimes I just don't resonate with what's popular right now.

I mean, to be fair, I always liked retro fashion anyway. When you're a little bigger and feel like you're all boob, not every style feels designed with your body in mind - often the default style seems to be for taller, skinnier women. blocky cuts can make me feel like a shapeless lump, and retro styles with a defined waist aren't hard to find. I am also SO ready to be done with the ubiquitous pregnancy clothing empire line.

But if I look good (to me), it doesn't actually matter if it'a not the current trend. I don't think my partner would know or care what's fasionable. And honestly? Getting older made me realise that most grownups are out there wearing what they enjoy, even if it went out of fashion 5 or even 10 years ago. Most people like familiarity.

The idea that we need to throw out our entire wardrobe every few months or even every year to keep up is rooted in overconsumption, and addressing overconsumption would go hand in hand with accepting people may wear things that aren't currently fashionable, or were never cool. And that this too is OK.

[dxmedstudent]

My cat is forcibly expising me to my neighbours' Celine Dion collection because he's decided he only wants to lie on the landing. It was reggae before this, which is much easier to listen to than some pretty unknown tracks from Ms Dion's Back catalogue.

And I'm feeling guilty that I'm taking him to the vet to get a tooth removed on Tuesday, (because what if something goes wrong? He's not a young cat 🥺) so I'm indulging him. It costs me nothing to give him all the treats this weekend. I want him to feel loved, because he is.

And, honestly, the sad and loving warbling soundtrack in the background is not helping my background anxiety about my lil old man going to the vet.

[dxmedstudent]

The tumblr experience is your dash being filled with essay posts like "Steve and John are in love #myotp" and "actually the politico-magical implications of Jane's choices are really interesting for 75676 different reasons...

And trying to work it who the hell they are talking about and which IP they are referring to. I don't even know if I'm being spoiled, because I literally cannot find out which series they are referring to, because a lot of people, writing for their own audience, start from a position assuming everyone who will ever see their post knows who Squatty Jo is, and the context they are alluding to.

It does mean that when I'm perusing tumblr after a nap after a sleepless night on baby duty I feel like I might have slept for 100 yeats because I have no idea what my Dash are on about.

[dxmedstudent]

My memory was already bad at times but I can say that having a newborn...has not helped.

Basically if I don't write something down, then I'm playing roulette with when and if I will remember the thing.

And I'm eternally grateful for my baby tracking app because otherwise I'd probably gaslight myself constantly about when I fed or changed them. It's like time has no meaning any more. It feels like something just happened but it was 2 hours ago.

I dont know how primary caregivers in places like the US go back to work at this point. How do they cope? It's barbaric to make people go back to work so soon after having a child, when you're still very much recovering and barely coping.

I'm just glad most people in my life have appropriately low expectations when it comes to me replying. Unfortunately the cognitive effects of sleep deprivation make me feel like I'm constantly not doing enough, doing things wrong or constantly forgetting things for too long, which can feel a little but like you're always failing something, but I know this particular stage of mum guilt doesn't last forever.