an anderperry fic: he keeps his face toward the sun
title is based on a quote by w.w "keep your face always toward the sunshine - and shadows will fall behind you.“
Netflix. Neil knows he’s gonna have to shake hands with and practically sign his soul over to the CEO of the company, he believes it’s a fair price to pay for the state of nirvana that he’s in. A sense of bliss is so potent within him that he wouldn’t be surprised if it started dripping out of his pores and rose up throughout the classroom in a vaporous brume. He’s got a silly stupid grin on his face that he isn’t even aware of - he’s that happy. And he’s certain that with his heart beating as hard as it is, it’ll thump out of his chest unlike ever before, save for that time Todd’s shirt pulled up along with his sweatshirt when he was taking it off and Neil was able to catch a glimpse of the other teen’s bare skin. He had thoughts for days (and nights) about what it would be like to touch Todd’s flesh there (to touch it at all, honestly), to place his mouth on him, to kiss, to bite down and leave a mark. Needless to say, Neil’s never been filled with so much emotion, has never been this overwhelmed with infatuation, and has never felt this gay (in both meanings of the word).
And all because Neil’s got Todd sitting adjacent to him, their shoulders and arms pressed against each other’s, their heads close together. Neil’s pretty sure that if he turns his head his nose will graze against Todd’s cheek. He almost wants to turn, just so that he can accidentally (purposefully) touch him. Perhaps he could play it off as a mistake, like he had been about to tell a funny joke that the current scene of the movie had reminded him of. Or maybe he could say he was just trying to stretch his neck. Neil scoffs at himself, at his own ridiculous thoughts. He wishes he weren’t like this, wishes he weren’t so hell-bent on getting closer to Todd, wishes he didn’t have all these butterflies swarming around in his stomach, wishes he could control himself and quit acting so… so love-struck.
This shouldn’t be a big deal. This isn’t a big deal. Neil watches Netflix with Nuwanda all the time. And nothing ever happens between them. Sure, Nuwanda makes jokes about it but nothing ever becomes of them. Neil watches Netflix with Meeks and Pitts, too. Usually documentaries, of course, it’s kind of hard to get hard watching those things, so bad example, maybe. But what of the times when they’ve watched comedies? Neil’s never felt this overwhelmed by having Meeks’ shoulder this close, or Pitt’s thigh adjoined to his. They’re friends, only friends, and Neil has no qualms about that. Why does he have a problem with simply being friends with Todd? Shouldn’t he be okay with just being friends with Todd?
He used to have a crush on Nuwanda. A while ago, sure, but still. He used to want to date his best friend, he wanted to kiss them, and he wanted to fall in love with them. Neil felt deeply for them but he got over it. He was able to move on, and in no less than a few months, even. Why can’t he do that this time? It’s April, for crying out loud. Wasn’t it in October that Neil first realized his crush? Or was it in November? Neil can’t recall the exact time but he can remember the feelings he felt, and the way Todd looked at the moment, and how everything appeared to fall into place.
He remembers looking over at Todd sitting in his desk and seeing Mr. Keating look down towards him while standing in front of him and telling him to step up, to be put out of his misery. Todd had said, “I- I didn’t do it. I didn’t write a poem.”
To which Keating responded, “Mr. Anderson thinks everything inside of him is worthless and embarrassing. Isn’t that right, Todd?”
The words sent a shot of pain through Neil’s chest, which made him confused at the time. The answer of why didn’t quite hit him until later.
Neil wasn’t sure if Keating was truly talking to Todd at that moment, it seemed he was talking more so to the class than to Todd, giving Neil an uneasy feeling in his gut. He didn’t like when people pointed things out about other people like that. He hoped Mr. Keating was wrong about what he said. He hoped Todd didn’t feel that way about himself. He certainly didn’t think that way about him. He’s always thought the opposite, in fact.
“Well, I think you’re wrong. I think you have something inside of you that is worth a great deal.” Keating continued, as he walked over to his chalkboard and then wrote, ‘I sound my barbaric YAWP over the rooftops of the world’. After introducing Walt Whitman to the class again, even pointing out a picture of him hanging above the classroom, Mr. Keating told Todd, “I would like you to give us a demonstration of a barbaric yawp.”
Chuckles were made from some of the other students. Neil pursed his eyebrows together, growing frustrated with them. Couldn’t they see how uncomfortable Todd already was? Why did they have to be such assholes?
From where Neil was sitting, he could see Todd rolling his eyes. “C’mon, you can’t yawp sitting down,” Keating said, “Let’s go, c’mon, up.” Todd reluctantly stood and followed Keating to the front of the classroom. More laughs, snickers, and chuckles were released into the atmosphere. Neil was confused, as was everyone else as to what Keating was doing but he was also intrigued and wanted to know what Keating had up his sleeve.
Keating stood beside him, and started making his way to the chalkboard again so that he could rest against it, “You gotta get in ‘yawping’ stance.”
“A yawp?” Todd asked for clarification, moving his hands somewhat. Neil could tell he didn’t want to be up there, his face was starting to get a blush to it.
“No, not just a yawp. A barbaric yawp.” The word barbaric had been enunciated, and Neil remembers that Keating had grown more passionate here as he showed Todd how to do it correctly. Todd tried after, by that which Neil means that Todd didn’t really try. Keating knew this, the whole class knew it. Keating told him, “C’mon. Louder!” Todd tried twice after that with the same level of tone. Neil seems to recall Mr. Keating calling the boy a mouse and screaming loudly at him to yell like a man.
There was a change in the classroom just after that. It was like the tectonic plates of who Todd thought he was and who the class thought Todd was were being shifted. Todd yelled out, “YAWP” in such a loud and, yes, barbaric manner that students stopped laughing and Keating seemed appeased.
“There it is. You see, you have a barbarian in you, after all.” Keating had said.
Now, Neil can’t remember much of what happened after that exactly, but he will never forget the words that fell from Todd’s lips. It’s almost like they jumped out from Todd’s mouth and landed in Neil’s heart.
“A m-m-madman,” Todd had said when Keating asked him what he thought of the picture of Walt Whitman hanging on the wall. Keating didn’t make it easy for Todd, pressed him for more details. Todd replied with, “A c-crazy madman.” Same result. “Uh, uh, a sweaty-toothed madman.”
“Good God, boy, there’s a poet in you, after all! There, close your eyes. Close your eyes. Close ‘em. Now, describe what you see.” Keating put his hands over Todd’s eyes and they began to spin around.
“Uh, I-I close my eyes. Uh, and this image floats beside me.” Neil remembered him being interrupted a few times by Keating but couldn’t think of what he had said. “A sweaty-toothed madman with a stare that pounds my brain. H-His hands reach out and choke me.”
Keating had uttered words of praise before removing his hands from Todd. Todd kept his eyes closed.
Neil felt electricity run throughout the room, lightning strikes sparked up the entire place. Neil thinks that it’s what set Todd on fire. Neil also think’s he caught on fire with him. He’s certain that he’s been slowly burning alongside the blond boy’s bright flame since then. He wishes that they could join together to make one hell of a light show.
“And, and all the time he’s mumbling. M-Mumbling, ‘Truth. Truth is like-like a blanket that always leaves your feet cold’.”
The students began to laugh and Todd opened his eyes. Keating quickly gestured for him to close them again. “Forget them, forget them. Stay with the blanket. Tell me about that blanket.”
“Y-Y-Y-You push it, stretch it, it’ll never be enough. You kick at it, beat it, it’ll never cover any of us. From the moment we enter crying to the moment we leave dying, it will just cover your face as you wail and cry and scream.” Todd opened his eyes. Everything was silent just before a rambunctious noise filled the room, people began to clap and cheer for Todd.
Neil can’t remember if he clapped or not. Perhaps he did, but honestly he was so enthralled with how Todd’s sweet smile made his stomach do flips that it wouldn’t be a stretch to say that all Neil could do at that moment was look at him. Todd, in that moment, was like a sun that he could look at without being blinded, something absolutely mesmerizing and enticing and beautiful.
Neil couldn’t help but wonder how Todd felt at that moment. He had been taken out of his comfort zone and made to speak in front of classmates who’ve laughed at him, yet he was able to create and perform an original poem like that.
He still can’t recall if it was in October or November, but he’s resolved the matter. He has a crush on Todd Anderson, and whether he likes it or not, it doesn’t seem to be going away anytime soon.
Not with them visiting New York during Spring Break together. They hadn’t gotten tickets to a broadway show but they were able to watch a production of a modernized Shakespeare play that had them both laughing a lot. And staying the night at one another’s house hadn’t helped in the slightest. Neither of them ever took the floor. They’d share the bed, and every breath the other took, it felt like. Todd reading his poems to Neil, though, was probably what had him encompassed in flames of love. Not all the times Todd’s looked at him with a smile, nor the times they’ve rested their heads on the other’s shoulder… It was when Todd opened up his notebook and read aloud from it, shared his thoughts with Neil, that Neil felt like he was falling in love. No, knew that he was falling in love.
Neil realizes this is different than how it was with Nuwanda. It’s different because it’s Todd. Ever since Neil first met Todd on orientation day, he’s had feelings blooming within him. A flower’s been growing inside of his body slowly but surely since the moment he first talked to the young man. As they’ve grown closer, with the help of shared classes and the initiation of the Dead Poets Society as a club there at Wellton High, Neil’s feelings have grown.
Neil knows that if it weren’t a big deal he wouldn’t be freaking out as much as he is, he wouldn’t be -
Oh fuck, Todd’s finger just grazed his. Neil glances down. He sees their hands resting beside each other’s on their laps. Todd’s pinky is adjacent to his.
What should he do? What should he do?! Should he do something? What if he does nothing? What if he ignores it? But what if he takes Todd’s hand into his? And it turns that Todd had only moved his hand there by accident?
Neil’s thoughts continue screaming just before they quiet down when Todd fully wraps his hand into his. A flurry of ecstasy and euphoria makes it’s way through Neil’s bloodstream a hundred times over. He beams brighter than ever before and he immediately tangles their fingers together, feeling the softness of Todd’s skin, and starts to trace his thumb along the back of Todd’s hand.
Out of his peripheral vision, he sees Todd starting to turn his head. He starts to do so as well, and in an awkward embarrassing mess of a moment, they nudge their noses together. Todd lets out a laugh, and then, seeing that it’s more funny than anything else, Neil does too. And before he knows what’s happening, they’re kissing. They’re kissing. Everything’s perfect, everything’s right, and Neil swears that Todd’s mouth fits his exactly. Neil moves his lips with Todd’s, slowly and softly. Todd tastes like the fruit candy they were shoving into their mouths by the handfuls earlier. He doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to eat them again without thinking of right now, Todd’s mouth pressed against his, his tongue making its way into his mouth.
Yeah, Neil definitely owes Netflix.
