#ed ramblings

[edwards-crazy-ramblings]

what is your opinion on spaghetti?

I don't mind it, gets messy at times

[edmcmayonnaise]

I have drawn and posted something every day for 22 days now. This is a record. Even now I am on holidays abroad from home for a couple of days and was still able to post. I’m not sure if it’s much but for me it’s nice just to give myself permission to learn and try a new style.

I do worry about spamming so I didn’t post all to twitter but here is like a special home so I guess I will keep posting here.

Tomorrow’s art is maybe too spicy so I am debating it or drawing something different. (I am one day ahead with drawing.)

[annora-small]

On being skinny (rant + list)

So for context, I’m 168cm (like 5’5”) and used to weigh around 50kg (110lbs), which isn’t that little, I was working on going lower, but then things just started happening and I kind of stayed where I was. (Which was, overall, fine, if not great.) Then winter came around and I made the mistake of loosening up on myself - winter is usually the time when I gain weight, so I try to be extra vigilant and careful during this period. I started gaining weight and got trapped in this cycle - exercising and dieting for a few days, losing willpower (mostly because I told myself I wasn’t that bad and didn’t have to push myself), overindulging, gaining weight, hating it, exercising and dieting, and repeat. In 6 months I have thus gained 8-10kg (17-22lbs). I’m also working full time during my gap year and my job has long hours and is sedentary, and most of the time I finish late and have no energy to workout. My overeating got so bad that my mental health is just in the gutter, I feel gross and floppy and awful all the time. Clothes that used to be loose on me now barely fit me and I refuse to buy new clothes, because this isn’t my body, so I will not accommodate it.

I have now decided to make the changes that will get me back to my old self, so in light of that, here are the things that I miss about being skinny:

having clothes feel like they’re hugging my body instead of trying to keep all the fat at bay

baggy clothes actually being loose

my body didn’t feel like an obstacle I needed to overcome

being light and moving easily through the world

I was more athletic and flexible

all the compliments, asking for tips, etc.

being asked what I ate/if I was eating at all

THIGH GAP AND PROTRUDING HIP BONES

not being ashamed to tell people my measurements and weight

I felt like I was in control of myself, my life

my ex could easily lift me and pick me up

I didn’t feel like crying when I saw my body in the mirror

feeling and seeing my ribcage

because I wasn’t eating as much junk, my skin was clearer

I looked more dainty, everything looked better on me

stepping on the scale without dread, being content with the numbers I saw

my steps were lighter

I had more energy because I wasn’t so reliant on food all the time

If you made it this far, thank you for taking the time to read through this! I would love to hear anything you miss about being skinny or what you can’t wait for! Stay lovely dears 🫶