I told her this evening. It was better than I could have hoped. She was happy for me, more concerned that I was making a change to be who I wanted to be than about herself. She wants to see me through and stay with me. We talked in detail about what I am convinced I am and what I want and I told her that I was attracted to her still because I am. We went for a walk and she held my hand and squeezed it a lot. I think she's excited to help me with clothes although she has refined taste that leans towards sharp and clean women's clothing and I want skirts that go spinny. We may go to the thrift store this weekend.
There’s so much to work out. I need medical professionals and aestheticians. I need to grow out my hair without coming out to my stylist just yet. We found a “mod” haircut together that I can tell the stylist I want which will require growing it out. I’m not ready to go full speed and tell everyone. I am out to the only person who matters right now and she has accepted me.
She’s going to help me do my nails when they are long enough. She has this cool powder stuff that looks amazing when she does her’s. She ordered me shoes. Men’s but a femme style with a cuban heel, we talked about a slow slide into public presentation and privately trying out the spinny skirts for now. This was my choice. I know I have to present at some point, but now that the weight it off, I am ok with the time it will take.
If I had done this 30 years ago, it might have been different. That was 1990. I didn’t know any trans people. I only knew OF one trans person (that I recall), Christine Jorgensen. I read her autobiography in the library without checking it out as a teen ager. It all seemed so impossibly far away. I also spent years just wishing to be someone else. I never connected the dysphoria with something I could do to change myself. I don’t know why I couldn’t make that jump to changing the things about myself that I hated so much. Lots of lost time, but also I guess I am in a better position now. It’s never too late and I have years left to get to know myself. It feels so strange to just be free of the loathing and doubt. Maybe it will come back, maybe I will develop other dysphoria, but right now I feel good. Over 40 years of repressing something and suddenly it’s gone. I couldn’t sleep last night thinking about telling her and tonight I can’t sleep thinking about the future. Hopefully this is not a new feature of my new life. I like sleeping.
Names. I have no idea. I wrote a bunch down. I have names I like but I haven’t really found the one that speaks to me, that I think describes me. My wife will help me with it, I want one that she likes too. It’s almost like naming a new child for both of us. We both have to live with it and we get to choose.
The discussion started almost like I proposed. We ate dinner and there was a slight lull and I just said it. “I am certain now that I am trans and that I want to pursue becoming who I know I really am.” She had questions like how far I was going to go. I said I didn’t know for sure, but everything was likely. She wanted to stay with me. I reminded her of something she said offhand 20 some years ago that she wasn’t attracted to women. She didn’t remember saying it, the fact I remember it says something about what was in my head all those years ago. She suspected. There were signs. There were things she didn’t know about. Nothing bad, but I had experimented with clothes and makeup before. The IPL rig I ordered before I told her was a big tip off, but she also would have just trusted me to live the life I wanted if I never said anything. For all the built up anxiety about this decision and telling her, it was really painless. There will be more painful discussions with other people in the future, but for now I am content.
