It's done. I'm out. No, I'm not, maybe I never will be. No, I am out in my head. I have accepted who I really am. Years. Years of denial. Years of thinking it's just a paraphilia. Believing an antiquated theory of transexualism. I can't go back. That moment, feeling myself. The feeling of touching my body and every so briefly feeling it could be who I really am. I've wanted to be a woman as long as I can remember. I hate everything about my body, but I finally just accepted the good feelings with being girly. It sounds facile and condescending, there’s the guilt about it. I know that I have not lived the life to understand what it means to be a woman, but it's who I want to be. I almost cried stepping on the scale because I had lost a pound. Not because I was losing weight, I have tried and failed before, but because it meant something to me. It meant a step towards having the body I want. Shaving and feeling the soft fresh skin without the guilt of it being wrong felt so good. It's not a kink. It's not something I need to hide. And yet, I am out only in my head. I have no idea what will happen next.
I have to tell her. I think she suspects, maybe she knows and knows I have to do it myself. That would be the best outcome. She knows I have never been really happy inside. It comes out in little ways, but I don't know if she can know what I myself only just accepted. It's possible for me to like myself. It's possible for me to do something. It's possible to stop wishing for a miracle that will never happen and just do what I can. The small victories feel so good.
We had sex twice this weekend and that's not happened in an age. I felt so liberated by not feeling like I was pretending. It didn't matter. I am still attracted to her. I don't know what the future will bring. Hormones will probably kill my sex drive at some point. Although in my fantasies I can feel myself penetrated, I have never seen a man that I wanted him to do that. I am not attracted to men though I crave that experience of being a woman. I think there's some compromise if she is open to it, but she may not be. I remember ages ago she said she wasn't attracted to women. I don't know. In some of the fantasies, she says she's trans too and I imagine being with *him* and I can imagine it. We've been married 25 years, we have a life and we know each other. I know how to make her cum. Ironically, my "technique" got better when I started imagining I was sucking her penis when I went down. I've behaved like that for a long time, but it was like psyching myself up for something that I was apprehensive of, not confident. This weekend I felt so much more confidence. It makes no sense. I just, in my head, I am who I am and I feel better. Nobody else knows. I could just stop now and never tell a living soul, but it's different in my head now. I feel happy, finally. The stupid every day annoyances are there, but somehow I am not as angry as I was. I was so so angry for so long. Angry at the world. Maybe this is just euphoria and it will wear off, but I feel like I am in some kind of control of my life. That control of my future, real control of who I am is exhilarating. I don't know what all led up to this. Some of it is the THC. I did some edibles a month or so ago and the overwhelming physical effect was I felt like I was in a woman's body. I could feel my breasts. As much as I wanted it to be sexual, it was just comfortable. If I could do it without side effects (nausea, dizzyness, hangover) I would probably do it every day, my body felt so normal. But then a couple days ago something happened. It was like flipping a switch from trapped to possibilities. I could see *myself* as a woman, not just as some other woman, but me, my new body. It's like the dreams. I wish I woke up remembering having them more often, but the few times I would have a dream, looking in the mirror and my face subtly changes and I know I am a woman and I wake up happier than I have ever felt in life.
I know none of this is easy. There's people that will hate me for being who I want to be, but that's probably true no matter what I do with my life. My parents will never understand. A few years ago, not many at all, I painted my nails. I don't even remember if it was all of them or just a couple while we were visiting up there. I said I did it because "LOL" but I know it was because it made me feel good, it made me feel pretty. They flipped out like I had told them I was a murderer. Constant "Why, why, why" "It looks ridiculous" made me feel awful. I was a very gown ass adult, but I took it off in disgust. They caught me experimenting as a teen. Wearing women's underwear. Naked except for the underwear and a panty liner (it sounds ridiculous, but it was something that made me feel feminine). Confronted, I talked my way out of it in a way that was all plausible deniability. It was easier on us all if I concocted a story. They bought it or pretended to. Not sure what would have happened if they had not. Probably counseling of their choosing and attempts to further repress my desires. The discovery set me back, but the lack of consequences probably saved me.
I will probably feel like an imposter. I will sometimes probably think I am not a real woman. I lack the lived experience of being a woman. Of having been a girl. But I also lack the same lived experience as any other and certainly any other non-trans person. I never fit in with men or in men's places. I feel like such a fake there. I just nod and have a handful of bland aphorisms about sports. Nothing about sport has ever appealed to me. Nothing about locker room talk appeals. I still like women, but I think I felt violated by men who treat them as conquests. I always wanted to be close to women, to feel things with them, and ultimately I wanted to be them.
I know a lot of people who will support me. I may lose my family and casual acquaintances. I don't really care. I have always had a small social circle. I worry that may affect her more than me. I think there's work friends lurking that are trans-phobes. A former co-worker was openly transphobic and she unfriended her. I wanted her to report her to the hospital. Yeah. This was someone who worked in patient contact at a major hospital and was openly anti-trans on Facebook. Typical right wing bullshit. I knew I didn't like her or her husband from the first (both gun toting reactionaries. He's a cop too, so yeah there's that nice little feeling that the people in power will do all they can to make trans life harder). This whole process though feels so selfish. Like people will ask, "How can he do that to her?" Maybe. I dunno. She may love me enough and be flexible enough to adapt. I really don't know. It's been a long time since anything of that sort came up. She mentions trans issues and people who have transitioned. Is she just making conversation or giving me an opening?
I said I wanted to permanently remove the hair from my back and neck, sort of a safe "I don't need those" stepping stone. She mentioned electrolysis was what they recommend for trans women because it's permanent. I settled on a IPL to try it out on my face and arms. Electro in the future will have to happen. Maybe she knows or suspects. I don't even know how to start that conversation. "Hey, yeah, so great dinner. By the way, I'm trans and I want to transition"
Our anniversary is coming up. We have a bunch of little weekend trips planned and part of me thinks I should tell her then and part of me doesn't want to ruin the trip if she takes it badly. We have relatives that are trans-women and non-binary, so it's something she's familiar with. They're all younger though and not married to her. Her parents will probably say stupid shit, but they will try to understand. It will be cringy, but not awful. I am prepared to just lose my family, maybe I underestimate them but I don't think they have the flexibility to accept it as anything other than weird. However, the advantage of being an adult is that I can just walk away. We are more successful than them, I don’t need anything from them.
On the other hand, I wake up every morning since I made up my mind feeling good about myself. I have SO far to go to even marginally pass to someone half blind, but I want to try. I want to make the effort. It's like a weight has been lifted.