#ego.

[ifyouencounterwolf]

made a little funny man...

[toftie]

cj hauser // killarney clary // martha gellhorn

[emotivamente-ingombrante]

Ho desideri in completa dissonanza con quelli altrui.

Mi sembra di suonare uno strumento scordato e fuori tempo.

Finisco sempre da sola a canticchiare un motivetto stonato a mezza voce.

Mi dicono essere una creatura strana, con una dignità incalcolabile, una creatura selvatica e straniera, erotica e magnetica.

Eppure sempre dignitosamente sola.

Sono disposta a fare le cose più innocuamente sciocche - come rendersi conto di non saper fumare - nonostante i miei quasi trent'anni pur di condividere a morsi la vita con qualcuno. E ridere. E riderne.

E invece mi ritrovo da sola come una stronza bulimica della vita, incapace di godere di qualunque cosa bella: ingollo esperienze solo perchè sento di doverlo fare - chè hai trent'anni non puoi stare sempre chiusa in casa! - che mi vanno di traverso e finiscono solo per farmi stare male fisicamente/mentalmente/emotivamente.

Cerco di essere coraggiosa, di non fuggire davanti a quello che mi fa paura e mentre io affronto i miei mostri, le cose per gli altri si evolvono e io resto immancabilmente indietro. Da sola: del resto non conto abbastanza per essere aspettata.

E adesso, che del mio coraggio non è rimsta che cenere, mi avanza solo la solitudine.

(Palinuro, Agosto 2017)

[ifyouencounterwolf]

Me and my friend could talk all day about how we loved the Slayer because we both feel very related to him, and this is because in so many ways our own rage and loneliness, and in a greater scheme, the female rage and loneliness was spoken through the Doom Slayer's rage and loneliness!

Now hear me out.

I am, and my friend is, described by our peers, an egoistic, non-agreeable woman. A lot of times we are accused by others for coming off as brash, unpleasant, and even intimidating because we are more than glad to point out the elephant in the room when everyone else are afraid that might offend somebody and would rather "go with the flow" and follow the current social norms. It's not even like we are acting tough, badmouthing or belittling others so we could feel powerful, we are simply people and especially women who don't really prioritize making people to like us. We are not looking for respect either. We are just people who see the shit, say the shit, try to fix the shit, and stand by our decisions no matter how many would be on our side for this.

The social norms for women from the start of humanity is that we ought to be compassionate, humble and gracious. We are expected to be loud and talking and more well-versed until we are expected to be quiet. We are expected to forgive and forget or else we would be seen as unreasonable. We are natural at de-escalating the situation instead of senseless violence. A lot of times, that means we have to put aside our own ego, boundaries, values and demands to nurture someone else's. That's something coded in our instinct.

But there are times for every woman when our instinct to protect and defend outweighs our instinct to back down and be compassionate and nurturing. That is when we felt that we are on a lonely path no one else, not even our fellow women were on because no one ever wanted us to act that way instead of our usual, meek way, who would just take it without questioning even when we were used as step stools. And being vindictive and full of rage? That's when we are called crazy bitcheswomen.

(Not to mention that society looks down upon anger in general and most of us are disconnected with our anger and tend to be avoidant to conflicts... Those who do engage in conflict are punished and avoided by society.)

Sort of like how the Slayer is treated for... let me see, doing the right thing. In many ways he was described as either a divine entity that has detached himself from the common rubble, or not having a clear mind and just a blood-thirst psycho. In TDA his own body is used and controlled against his will just because no one thought there is still someone in there. They assumed his hatred and rage were his personality and not coming from a place of softness. He was observed and kept like a specimen because he is too much for people to handle. Most of the time he was silent so no one thought he might still want human connections, that he might enjoy a book or a poem, or he might write a poem. Heck, no one even thought he might want some alone time without constant monitoring and getting told what to do. Unless he was fighting, then he was all alone.

I am fortunately an aspy who's very well-integrated into society, but I have been non-verbal for a long time when I was young and would still prefer to be non-verbal. I would love to learn sign language someday but that also requires a level of expressiveness that my resting anger face would have a hard time with. That doesn't mean I don't write or don't have an inner voice, or that I don't want people to talk to me even if I'll just listen and nod. I am quiet but not trying-to-blend-in-the-background quiet. The Slayer really made me feel seen in a way no one else could, not that I don't like MC who monologues. But the physical manifestation of an awkward silence in the room, the passive-aggressiveness, the "You can't just shoot a hole into the surface of Mars! / Mission: Shoot a hole into the surface of Mars", is just like me FOR REAL.

More importantly, the Doom Slayer reminded me of my mom. He reminded me of a lot of very good male friends in my life too, but the way he was on a path of righteousness where no one else understands really only clicked with my mom who is equally non-agreeable, non-compromising and unapologetic when it comes to her family and her values, specifically my education and more broadly, kids in China against the entire Chinese exam-oriented compulsory education system.

She is a psychiatrist specialized in Adolescent Educational Psychology, you know, in a place called China where teenage suicides has been a thrice-a-weekly event. The school is a literal soul factory where you were crammed with 60 of your peers into a small space, and you are not seen as an individual with your own needs but as a machine that generates value for your class only by excelling in exams. I was so miserable in school because of how different I am, but my mother made it better for me with every resource she could get. I remembered when one of my teachers encouraged my only friends back then to "stay away" from me because I "don't deserve them when my grades are falling" when in reality it is because she was offended by how I am not kissing her ass like a normal teenage girl. I remembered not even feeling bummed out when I told my mom about it, where she turned literally murderous. She told me plainly that her first thought was killing that teacher or at least physically beating her up in a parking lot. Not just for me, but for her being in a position that was supposed to protect the most vulnerable, but instead opened the door right to it for all the demons in the world. Oh and did I say my mom was a psychiatrist?

(She did something to the teacher and made her resign next term and the new one was so much nicer)

My mother's favourite saying is: "You must always be a kinder person than you are, but if you are dealing with witches then use a gun and start hunting". YEP. Word by word translation. Now that I am all grown up with my own demons to fight, she is finally doing the things she always wanted to do: Opening her own counseling center and fighting against the dehumanizing education system in China one child at a time. From the way she talked about her work, it was really a tormenting path for someone as compassionate as my mom, but she was immensely proud of it even if the schools and parents saw her as an enemy.

And I think she is more of a Doom Slayer than say, someone who is good at physically fighting. To many women and girls our rage is hidden and silent/silenced, and our fight is usually not up front (like going to war or punching someone in the parting lot). Doom is a representation of our inner strength, when compassion is usually not expressed through tearing things apart. But sometimes it must be.

Sometimes we just had to say "fuck you, fuck all of you and 'specially you for what you did to me and my baby" and go walk through Hell on our own, because we wanted to protect the vulnerable more than anything.

[ifyouencounterwolf]

they feel like they are entitled to good things even when they don't have the skills or talent. that's why they steal. Ideas. Stories. Styles. in their minds they believe they deserve it more than the original artists who came up with the idea.

[ifyouencounterwolf]

Still pretty stoked by the fact that there is at least one other person on god's green earth who looked at Doom the guy (named him Fly Peter Taggart too) and went: if we really want to create a character to specifically pair him up with (as a buddy cop with an unspoken thing because we need the audience hooked on them) and we want to make their bond look real? We gotta make them a perfect androgyny look, which he made a particular note on (and that's not just white woman with a bit of muscle, like gods he's so queer I bet he was goth in high school), AND a redhead, who's about as much an asshole as he is but somehow always gets to be the people person and does the things he could never do. Be it anything from actually making their voices be heard, to showing how much they care about random strangers without having to retreat to cynicism or emotional detachment, like he always do. Also they are not anyone important (only to Fly they are) but that's a given or else he wouldn't make a full speech about how he hates snobbery.

And on these premises they got Arlene Sanders while we got Pebble.

[ifyouencounterwolf]

You have a beautiful art style looks like jelly and stardust makes me we wanna stare at it for hours also your oc is adorable doom deserves to get topped a bit as a treat he probably needs it

Jelly and stardust 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

You bet I'll be reminding Sundeline about this every time she draws... How her art comforts people and makes them feel lighter and it's not just ME saying it. Anyways THANK YOU! AS I WAS SAYING!!!

Also yepyepyepyeop bottom doom slayer supreme forever! cuz you see there's a certain vulnerability/fragility shown on his face that he hides by looking pissed off all the time, it's prolly the way his eyelashes always look wet and clumpy to almost the spider feet looks, and his nose and the tips of his ears always look red. Despite those strength he can be easily hurt and/or taken advantage of and he would barely protest for himself.

THAT and at the same time he has this "Whaaa can't hear you over the sound of how awesome I am" smugness especially when he's up to no good/ Like, that's a brat. I'm sorry that's a brat sub I don't make the rules. His stoic defiance or acquiescence is only towards those higher-ups whom he takes orders from but never really submits. But towards fellow soldiers and buddies (especially a certain adorable redhead), he'll get really playful and bratty. Trust me on this one.