i’ve spent the last 2 hours wondering what maxiel sperm bank infidelity could mean but still don’t have a clue😱
it’s so sick i’m so sorry
it’s my fic idea where max’s sperm are all deformed hammerheads due to the testicular trauma of f1 😔💐 after trying to conceive with testicular sperm extraction (🤏💉) and ivf with icsi and having to work out and race with specialized underwear with a ball pouch for an ice pack (snowballs™️) , he and his girlfriend agree to use donor sperm.
they start the process when max is in professional and personal hell. the new regs suck, his car is a toaster on wheels, the fia is slapping fines on him, an LA paparazzo is suing him for shutting a car door on his grabby hand, he’s no contact with his dad, and he’s questioning his sexuality because his girlfriends gay cousin sucked him off on a yacht and he didn’t stop him and maybe held the back of his head 😔💐
for reasons of privacy, the sperm back cannot show images of their donors. BUT a diverse panel has rated donor #1862784333 a perfect ten. he’s an actor (no doubt a struggling one if he’s selling sperm). they get a voice sample: the donor answering questions about his background and interests, what makes him tick. the guy’s aussie accent is melodic and mesmorizing, lifting and falling, laughing all the time. max gets hard under the fucking table. he wants to eat the guys voice. he wants to buy the guy’s sperm to like drink it or spill it on his nipples. they’re warned he has only 8 vials left because he’s nearly reached his maximum live births and is no longer allowed to donate. they buy all 8.
there’s a facebook group for families with babies from donor #1862784333. max’s girlfriend finds it and they let her join after she sends proof of their sperm purchase. she says all the kids have curly hair and someone uploaded photos of donor #1862784333 as a kid that their clinic let them have, apparently a clinic with looser privacy rules than theirs. she says, disapprovingly, “they didn’t tell us he needed to have braces.”
but someone also uploaded the voice sample. max listens to it on runs, in his driver’s room, on flights. he pretends he’s really into music now. he has what the guy says memorized, knows every pause, every filler word, every inflection. his girlfriend says she changes her mind and thinks they should go with the neurosurgeon even though he’s only a nine attractiveness, because he is described as looking more like max and donor #1862784333 needed braces which should have been a point penalty anyway. max agrees, but says maybe she should keep the 8 vials anyway. just in case.
max’s girlfriend’s gay cousin says he got the blowjob on film and demands hush money. max gets a race ban on fucking iracing for crashing some dumb motherfucker out. he sprains his wrist in a crash and is out for a double header. his girlfriend does an IUI, because the neurosurgeon has heaps of sperm and no lifetime ban so they can be wasteful with it. she says she is PUPO which means pregnant until proven otherwise but gives max a nightmare of being stuck in a chrysalis, screaming underwater.
someone posts on the families of donor #1862784333, which max checks too often from his girlfriend’s phone. the post is deleted within 8 minutes but he catches it in the in between. a link to an actor’s IMDB page and an interview about his upcoming movie. he knows it’s donor #1862784333 from the first five words. it’s the same buoyancy, only this time there’s a grinning mouth attached to his words, a hot guy who keeps wiggling in his seat and grabbing his knees with long fingers. max is done with families of donor #1862784333. he instead sets up news alerts for actor daniel ricciardo. he watches every interview. there aren’t many. his movie flops. he follows daniel’s instagram on his burner account. daniel posts a story working out and a max doesn’t know if he knows his big dick is swinging around. he probably knows. max jerks off to it so many times his dick gets friction burned.
the neurosurgeon’s sperm sucks. four failed IUIs in a row. his girlfriend says it’s a sign. they agree to go with donor #1862784333. max pays her cousin $2M. he announces his retirement.
he’s probably watched the dick swinging video 80 times before he sees it was for a paid partnership with a sock company. he didn’t know daniel was even wearing socks in that video. daniel posts a story of him and his friends urinating on the trump tower in vegas, then running away out of breath from an encounter with a security guard. max double checks that he’s in his thirties. he posts another video singing goo goo doll and he’s for sure in his thirties. max follows from his main.
daniel messages him: mate you’re on max verstappen’s account lol
max: what
daniel: quick delete these messages and unfollow me
max: what
daniel: don’t lose your internship
max: i am max hi
daniel: did my agent hack an f1 driver’s account lol is this to give publicity to Dark Darkness 4 do I need to pay you more
Max takes a photo of one of his trophy shelves and sends it. He imagines sending a photo of daniel’s sperm on his stomach.
daniel: ???? so do you like bad movies
max: I love bad movies
daniel: you found that trophy case online didn’t you? hacker
Max records a selfie video, saying, very seriously, “Everyone see Dark Darkness 4.” He sends it to Daniel.
daniel: !!!!! mate dark darkness 4 doesn’t exist I made that up as like an obviously bad movie name. what are you doing here????
from the closed bathroom door, max’s girlfriend says, “oh my god i think i see a line”
Last year, I received a thoughtful ask from the wonderful @mrs-goemio asking what my first date with Hiruma was like. This was the first time I gave a really in-depth answer to an ask, so I wanted to reformat and repost it to share again! 🥰✨
Warning, this is kind of a longpost (>///<) just in case anyone's interested hehehe~ But hey, at least it's got pictures! 😆
Thinking waaay back to our very first "date", it was a bit haphazard, and definitely not how you'd expect a typical first date to go. It started with Hiruma announcing that he was heading to the business district and that he wanted me to join him - right as I was in the middle of putting up posters for the next big game. Maybe it was just me jumping the gun, but after weeks of us both being in that odd grey area where we ask ourselves, "Wait... are we trying to get serious now?", I just assumed this was his way of finally asking me on a date. So, needless to say, I dressed up - just a little bit! ( ⸝⸝´꒳`⸝⸝)💖
We took the train to the business district. All was fine, but I was too busy daydreaming about what he might be taking me to do on this date that I didn't expect the train to stop so abruptly. Just as my luck would unfold, my whole body ended up pressing into his. Considering this was HIRUMA, and nobody gets that close to Hiruma unless they want to get kicked into next week, my life flashed before my eyes. Our faces got unsettlingly close, and he could probably see just how flustered/scared I got. But instead of aggressively pushing me away like I had expected, he just gave me a peeved look as I fumbled to regain my balance. Hmmmm....
We got to our destination, and much to my dismay, it was exactly what he said it would be: the business district. Not a single cute restaurant or karaoke bar in sight... Next thing I knew, he was handing me a mini-voice recorder and telling me he needed me to smooth-talk my way into a company's back rooms so that I could hide it. For research purposes, of course. Knowing Hiruma, this was all so that he could get some juicy blackmail to threaten some corporate executives with - something that will just so happen to fall perfectly into place when he needs it down the line.
I'll spare you the details, but I really had to smooth-talk those executives to let me into their back rooms. I posed as an auditor (Hiruma made the appointment... when did he do that?) and had to put on my most convincing "I-know-exactly-what-I'm-doing" voice. Luckily, I'm good at buttering people up. After a high-stakes con act, they finally let me in their back rooms. Mic planted!
Realizing this was pretty much the extent of what he wanted me to accompany him for, I was pretty bummed out, to put it lightly. "Of course... this was the only reason he wanted to bring me along. He just wanted a pawn." I felt like a fool for believing he wanted to actually spend quality time with me, and I felt used. That's what I get for putting too much faith in love, I guess... *cue sad trombone music*
So, he could tell I was a bit pouty on the train ride home. I faced away from him, I was a bit quiet (uncharacteristic for me as I'm a real yapper), but I didn't care anymore. There's a chance that me thinking this was going to be a date didn't even cross his mind, knowing him.
I don't know if he finally made the connection right then and there, or if this was part of his sneaky plan the whole time, but I heard an irritated click of his tongue behind me before he leaned in and said, "Let's get somethin' to eat."
Oh, that's how you want to play? Well, two can play at that game! I declined (I really had lost my appetite, though) and that frustrated him - I knew it would.
"Well, I'm hungry. I'll take us somewhere you've never been before," he said matter-of-factly. That settles that, I suppose! I had no choice but to agree... We got off the train about 5 stops after our original destination and he lead me into a restaurant. It's a run-down biker bar... wonderful. The atmosphere was atrocious, and here I am dressed up all cute! (╥﹏╥)
"I stick out like sore thumb!" I hissed. He just smirked and replied, "Tch! You look fine. Hurry up and sit down."
Just when I thought things were finally going to fall into place, ordering food became a whole situation. You'd think a football player would want to eat a lot, right? Especially Hiruma - I always thought he was some sort of carnivore. No, he ordered a dinky little side salad. AFTER I ordered a huge burger. Great, now I look ridiculous.
Once our food was served, I kinda just sat there with this giant burger until he asked me what I was waiting for. I tried sharing it with him, but he looked a little grossed out when I asked him lol... (っ. ‸ .);; He did eat some of my fries, though!
When it came time to pay the bill, the waiter asked how we wanted to split it. I started to say, "We'd like two separate checks, pl-" but I was cut off by a nasty glare from Hiruma.
"What are you doing?" he asked, visibly irritated. A little confused, I told him I was just paying for my own food. Like, huh?? But he ended up turning back to the waiter and confirming, "One check. Thanks," and handed him his card.
WH-HUH?? 💓
He's paying for my food?! That makes this... a date, right???
I'M ON A DATE WITH HIRUMA!!! (ㅅ´ ˘ `) 💞✨💞✨💞✨
After dinner, all was well. Once we got on the train and made it to the right stop, he walked me to my house before he headed home. We didn't exchange a kiss, but I could tell there was certainly a spark between us now - one I knew we both shared. It was after that date that I knew for sure he showed interest in me! ✨ Maybe bringing me along for that mission was his way of spending "quality time" with me... Either way, you can bet every date after that one ended with a lovely kiss! 🥰
Our first kiss, though? That's a whole different story for another time... 💋✨
I haven’t been much of a tumblr user before but I thought I would make one because….why not?
now I can share everything I love about my fics and other kpop demon hunter stuff:)
if you’re here because of reading What is Love? (it’s you and me and her. it’s us) over on ao3 WELCOME!!! I’m so glad you’re here! and thanks for joining me on this adventure!
it’s gonna be fun.
alrighty….peace out
Em
ao3: cowsindisguise
kofi if you wanna support my caffeine addiction 👉👈 (and yes! I am open to doing commissions! Hit me up if you're interested!)
hihihiii good luck on your 12 hour shifts that sounds awful. as a vague distraction tell me your top 5 fav characters and what it is you like about them?
i love u sm ty for the ask i needed ts so bad 😭😭
AND WHAT A GREAT ASK OMG!!!
my top 5 characters would be.... (in no particular order)
Anders, DA2:
cat loving disaster bisexual with a gay demon in his head, commits a lovable act of terrorism
Isabela, DA2:
literally shaped my sexuality 😔 big booby pirate gf who can't commit to you or anything to save her life!! she is a jigsaw puzzle of all my favorite character tropes (outwardly forward and sensual, female ship captain who fucks on her crew, can't be trusted with literally anything, commitment issues, silly one liners) and she has probably my favorite video game character design of all time!!! :-0 she also inspired the MC of the story i'm working on!!
Cersei Lannister, ASOIAF:
my ultimate "hear me out" i truly love how insane she is and i love her so much 😭 i only find myself using the phrase "girlboss" unironically when im speaking about her?? like man she really had that whole "anything men can do i can do better" energy downnnn unfortunately the pure amount of internalized misogyny in that woman could power a small town. such a well written character and lena headley was so incredibly perfect in portraying her ughhhh. one of the few female characters GRRM put his whole pussy into. shes fuckin terrifying to 99% of the population but yet so sweet and gentle to her babies 😭 her sense of self coming entirely from being a mother, yet still yearning for the power she could hold if she were a man?? and she would only want that power to keep her children safe im gonna throw up. also shoutout to the battle of blackwater where she's drunk and unraveling and begins losing her shit on 11 year old sansa 😭😭😭
Arya Stark ASOIAF:
reminds me of when i was a little sprout :') cute little tomboy who loves swords and hangin out in the woods with her puppy 😭 love love my little face-stealing blind baby. so many cute scenes with her sword training, chasing cats, or annoying the shit of The Hound
The Hound (Sandor Clegane) ASOIAF:
respectfully, i wish to bounce on it crazy style . besides that i love a traumatized + scarred man who is mean to everyone but the like 2 people he secretly loves. i am delusional and believe i would be one of two.
we got this one picture of them in the same frame and then said, that's enough for now folks, peace out
but even though i wish we had more emfk shenanigans, it still is day 1 and mix even gave us this adorable picture of fk in their up cosplay. we're winning but it's step by step.
Ringing the powerful-owl alarm bell to tell you that Daniel called Max’s hands soft🚨
Inside Max’s driver’s room is a vat of hand cream. It’s some drug store brand, cheap white plastic with a generic logo. Probably made of, like, dinosaurs. Daniel cant imagine using this much hand cream in an entire human lifespan. He unscrews the thick pump dispenser and sniffs at its odourlessness. “Is this lube?”
“Yes,” Max confirms, expression dour. “I need so much lube for my giant penis.” When Daniel laughs, he grins back, big and dimpled. “No, it is for my—” Max makes wiggly magic fingers in the air, palms facing out.
“Yeah, nah, I could tell.” The big tub has cartoon hands on the label, red and blue.
“It feels bad under the gloves.” Max pulls a yucko face while miming donning gloves, fingers still wiggly and mesmerising. “You have to be very careful when you use it. One time I had to do the sim after and it was like—” his hands slip on an air steering wheel, wildly careening down an imaginary track.
“Let me feel,” Danie laughs, presenting his own hands face up.
Max sets his palms on top like they’re about to play that slappers game and find out who flinches first. He’s even looking at Daniel’s face instead of their hands.
Daniel can’t really feel texture without, like, stroking. He can only feel that Max’s hands are cold. He thinks, insanely, of putting them under his shirt against the warm skin of his belly. He says, “Pretty soft.”
Max smiles, pleased.
“But it’s mostly for lube, yeah? You can tell me.”
