#emerald text

[arojake]

I wish everyone who thinks Jake is stupid a very die.

[arojake]

Sorry I have SO much Homestuck on my brain right now. Especially my kinnie bs. But like. God I cannot express how weirdly Jake it is of me to think all of these years that I was primarily a Karkat kinnie purely because I saw one (1) thing that I related to him on and latched onto him. I think he was the person I wanted to be for all of those years. I started drifting away from kinning after I began realizing more about myself, and realizing more with time that I couldn't really project a lot of my shit onto Karkat anymore without it being Very OOC. But I then realized a lot of this shit was like, almost 100% in character with Jake. And that's what got me into kinning again lmfao.

I do think me kinning Karkat sort of became a facade I didn't even know I was making for myself. Don't get me wrong, I still do kin him, but no where near as much as I do with Jake.

It is REALLY funny in retrospect though. I was being like. "Wow I wish I could look like Jake. Wow I relate to Jake's struggles a LOT. Wow younger me (pre-kinning Karkat) would've kinned Jake! Oh he's like a minor kin though." For YEARS.

[arojake]

Oh yeah. Dirkjake qpps. Thank you for coming to my TEDtalk.

[arojake]

Ok I know only one person follows me here but like. Ok I should be actually using this blog KJSDGKHSGH but yeah uh.

Ok. So. Kinnie bs. It's weird. I think I've always been more like Jake than Karkat, but Karkat was like... the person I wanted to be? And sure, I can still see similarities between Karkat and I, but I think I was definitely using Karkat to be an idealized version of myself, repressing the other parts of myself I didn't like. I had initially classpected myself as a knight of blood, and was very sure of this for a long time. But upon reflection... I worry that people are gonna think I'm only saying this because I'm now a Jake kinnie, but really, I think page of hope fits way better. I'll elaborate below the cut.

I thought knight of blood fit me initially, because I THOUGHT I was people-oriented, or more, I wanted myself to be. I thought I was more sure of myself than I actually was. But really... I think actually, thinking I was a knight of blood is weirdly page of hope of me lmfao. I got wrapped up in an idealized version of myself without even realizing I was doing it to begin with.

It also turns out I'm more selfish than I initially thought. Which isn't a bad thing, it's just a disorienting thing to realize after so long of thinking that I was more selfless. But truth is, a lot of the kind things I do for other people are in my own interest. I keep hoping that maybe if I keep doing things for other people, someone will finally do things for me. This being relevant because I personally go with the interpretation that knights serve for others, and pages tend to Get served. Knights are more people-oriented, pages are more self-oriented.

I don't talk about this often but I do have moral scrupulosity OCD, which of course makes me very morality-oriented, which is a theme with hope players. The getting wrapped up in an idealized version of myself thing very much ties into the escapism tied with both hope players and pages. I also have aphantasia, which is incredibly funny as a page of hope.

But, yeah. My shift from Karkat to Jake is definitely correlated to a bunch of self-discovery bullshit I've been on lately. These are all things I've come to realize of myself over time, realizing I kin Jake more than Karkat was a thing that came after most of this lmfao. So this isn't me just changing myself to be more like Jake. If anything, I'm using kinning Jake to be more comfortable in being myself.

[arojake]

Okay! So I think I'll be reblogging my Homestuck posts onto here from now on instead of my main, because I'm starting to get mutuals on there that didn't follow me for the Homestuck lmao. Though also because I was curious to see if anyone had the url "arojake", and no one did, so I decided to take matters into my own hands. But yeah! Probably just gonna be general Homestuck content, maybe some original posts here and there. Might be a bit of a kinnie. No current DNI or full about, but I should make one soon.

[fiction-and-reality-are-complex]

Regardless, I am very tired of that argument.