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Race night raises over £2,700 for local charity The money raised at a charity race night will help to Pay For a Day of Care at Jigsaw, Cumbria’s Children’s Hospice Full story: https://www.cumbriacrack.com/2018/10/24/race-night-raises-over-2700-for-local-charity/
Well, first off, a lot of men are actually sexually assaulted and harassed. We don’t acknowledge this enough, and this is sort of a “women’s” hashtag movement, but it really shouldn’t be. Many men can understand what it’s like to be sexually assaulted because they have experienced it.
Me Too – Emma Lindsay – Medium
Chick Writer Say Porn Fans Suck in Bed
Sometimes, for kicks, I run down in my head a list of bitches I’m sure I made cum.
It’s well into the double figures, I’d say probably/possibly about 1/2 the total.
That, after not even understanding the mathematics of making a bitch cum until I was, like, 21.
My first real girlfriend, first love and all that shit, used to make me stop every time she was about to pop.
I did, not really realizing…
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“Why Does Dating Men Make Me Feel Like Shit?,” Emma Lindsay (2017, Medium)
“I think because men are too ashamed to claim ownership of their sexual feelings, they push responsibility for their desire onto the bodies of the (usually) women that they’re with.”
“Usually instead of saying “I am turned on by that woman,” a man will say “that woman is hot.” The first phrasing places the locus of control within his own body (aka, in a way, making it “his fault” if he gets turned on), the second phrasing places the locus of control within the woman’s body (making it “her fault” if he gets turned on.) And, he will be inclined to do the second because it absolves him of responsibility for his sexual feelings. The narrative that is most comfortable for straight men is that some super beautiful woman appeared out of the blue and basically made him get horny, and zomg she was SO HOT it totally wasn’t his fault. This relieves him of the shame, and to some degree, his feelings of creepiness. How can he be blamed for simply being an object that is being acted upon?”
“Know why men fear having sex with fat chicks? Because when fat chicks turn men on (and they do) a man feels like a pervert for letting himself be attracted to a fat chick. He feels like he has succumbed to his creepiness, or the “weakness” of his sexuality. Society doesn’t allow for the blame-absolving narrative of “that girl turned me on so much it wasn’t my fault” when it comes to a fat chick because society pretends fat chicks aren’t hot. That’s where all this male anger at big women comes from; it’s not because men don’t desire them, it’s because they hate themselves for desiring them.”
“One of the ways men absolve themselves for responsibility for their own sexual feelings is to make an identity out of it, and act as if their desires are out of their control because it’s just “who they are.””
“This leads to a rather paradoxical thing; we assume women feel shame about their appearance because men don’t desire them, but I’ve started to realize I feel shame when men do desire me.”
This is a good piece – part of the incredibly important ongoing project of giving words to the largely unspoken dynamics of emotional labour.
Growing up assigned as male, I never got the message that emotional work was necessary, or important - or even work. Most men are incredibly unreflective about the inequitable emotional roles they slip into, because they can get away with being incredibly unreflective about that. They often think they “don’t need to talk about feelings”, but in reality use the women in their lives as a dumping-ground for all their negative emotions, which they have little idea how to deal with on their own. This has enormous negative consequences on both their lives (e.g. the common situation of a guy going through a breakup and having NO IDEA what to do with his feelings about it, because he relied on his girlfriend for that), and especially on the lives of the women they lean on.
In my own life, this small difference has been really stark: women tend to *appreciate it so much* when I do emotional labour for them (helping them process stuff, talking through complicated emotions, working through difficult shit, etc), while guys tend to just, like … take it, without quite realising that they’re taking anything. This is *definitely* not in all cases (I know a lot of pretty great guys), but I’m talking about patterns and disproportions. Luckily I’m in a situation where I never have to give emotional labour to terrifying rage-monsters – a demand many women’s literal survival rests on – but even that small difference in how emotional labour is received signals the subtler depths of the phenomenon this article talks about. Women and femmes are (generally) expected to manage not only their own emotions, but those of the men around them. Men (generally) barely have to understand what “managing emotions” even entails. It’s really important for men to actively work on this. It’s good practice for everyone, of all genders, but especially men.
Learn to recognise emotional labor. Learn to pay attention to both its benefits and its costs. Learn how to regulate your own emotions, both by yourself and interpersonally, and root out the assumption that this is work that will somehow do itself. I know some men will read this and intuitively see a conflict between this and the common wish that men could “be more open about their feelings”, but there really is no conflict. It’s not a man’s feelings that are the problem; it’s the inequitable expectation that others will work to manage them, while they never have to work to manage anyone else’s. It’s not the existence of emotional labour that’s bad; it’s the unequal abuse of it, the gendered expectations around it, and the weird refusal to acknowledge it while simultaneously relying on it.
Every time I see a young guy being scarily desperate about “getting a girlfriend”, this is a large part of what I see roiling underneath that hunger. There are lots of elements to it, of course (fear of social ostracism / desire for sex / fear of the social ostracism that comes from not having sex / etc etc), but I think on the most fundamental level, their brain is simply like: “I FEEL REALLY BAD. IF I HAD A GIRLFRIEND, I WOULDN’T FEEL BAD ANYMORE.” They’ve imbibed this message from a culture that really *does* make it women’s responsibility to manage the emotional wellbeing of the men in their lives – and especially their romantic partners. Their thinking is warped and wrong, but it’s responding to very real currents in the culture. That is what it’s been communicated to them girlfriends will do. And that is the centrepiece of the distorted and abusive expectations that cause men to visit the worst violence on their intimate partners:
“If I feel bad, it’s your fault.”
Men who are casually sleeping with me rarely tell me they care about me. And, frankly, I’m kind of over it.
Emma Lindsay, Why Do Men Claim To Want Open Relationships More Than Women? — Medium
I don’t know how I expected a rape victim to act, but I didn’t expect her to be so funny. Or to be punk, in this kinda s…
I don’t know how I expected a rape victim to act, but I didn’t expect her to be so funny.
