Tl;dl : i'm learning emotional autonomy, it's hard but extremely empowering
I need to think out loud before writing to my therapist for the half-month check, so I'm gonna do it here if you don't mind.
It's been two heavy weeks. At least i was fine, as feeling quietly happy and serene - maybe not last friday, I had a sort of maniac episode, but it serves me well, I understood a lot about my research work so not so bad? - and didn't have this much chronic pain. I thought a lot. About creating my own rhythms.
My person, my own being is like a musical partition. If I let myself express who I am, the way I feel about the world as a woman - a queer woman, a romani woman, an autistic woman - the music would enchant every steps, every breathe, every relationship. But because I lived through a heavy bunch of violences, I learned as a survival strategy to adapt my rhythms to those of people I love. When I love, it's gigantic, passionate, great. But also, full of dedication. In certain limits, it's a good thing. But when every step is charged with the (illusion of) weight of my loved relatives opinions, everything is a lot more difficult. When you fear, without any reasonable reason, to be beaten for any loudly sound, you can't laugh freely.
Express myself, taking the liberty of my own margins could be hard. But I'm trying. Day after day, I work on my mental ptsd's mechanisms to free myself. To allow me to be the subject of my own dedication. To remember that the people I love deserve to be trusted, deserve to be considered as independent of my past.
So this week, I've been alone at home. I survived well. I took care of myself, cooked, cleaned, managed to be happy alone. And I'm so proud. I acknowledged my capacity to own my emotional autonomy. Even if I miss my partner - I miss him so fucking much, and not because I need him to function, but because his voice, his laugh, his sparkling eyes are the most important and beautiful things in the world - I found in me precious resources, and the Ariane thread leading to a place life makes me forget. A place where my light shines, waiting for me to come back at what determines my being: not the others, not what I'm doing for them, not how I'm interacting with them, but the relationship I nurture with myself. The love I give to myself, the space I allow me to take, to occupy, the joy I'd find in my silence.
And I'm so, so proud of me. I love myself a bit more today, for taking steps to come back to me, finally, after all these years. I'm a little more at peace today than yesterday. I'm creating my own self-support mental structures. And it's so empowering. So, so challenging, so exciting to rehab from ptsd consequences.
