#emotionalstuff

[whisperwillowsoftly]

Any other closeted trans person or at all closeted person have a moment of weakness where they bring themselves to the idea that my family would get a shock but would be intelligent enough and clever enough to follow their own mantra of looking at the source of their information before they believe something and take it upon themselves to look into why they don't believe in trans people or that being trans is a problem or they think its problematic or not christian or that its just too much for them. And then you get hit with reality that at the bare minimum it is gonna take you years of very slowly introducing little ideas and snippets of information to said person you're closeted to for them to be able to hopefully open their mind to one day be able to accept you as your true name, pronouns and self.

I know I wouldn't be thrown out and abandoned.... but like I know that it would take just as long if not longer than when I told my family I was gay (year and a half ish) for all of them to accept me.

Just not ready for those mind games and the feeling if living unwelcome in a strangers home and that my bedroom door become a portal between my space and uncertainty. Where my survival instincts never turn off and I am constantly over aware of literally every breath for months on end within the household. Its dealing with when a home stops being a home but you still have to live there. The memory of the loving look you used to automatically being nothing more than a memory because you don't get that luxury anymore. Where you feel like your very breathing in the same space as others in the home is uncomfortable.

I think I'm gonna wait a while before I come out again... probably the best idea.....

[whisperwillowsoftly]

Tumblr is the best social media app in my opinion. There's complete anonymity unless you choose to reveal it. There no unsolicited reccomending contacts or possible friends of friends or so on. Its not a social media you share with your family and family friends. I only have 1 follower I know In real life and they're the reason I actually got tumblr.

I know a lot of people call it terrible and rubbish but I've surrounded myself with followers and people I follow that work really well for me. The lack of personal advertisements is hilariously stupid. As someone on here said, its like shouting into the void wondering if someone will shout back. And I love that about this app.

On this place I get to give myself the option to tell no-one, but others the potential opportunity to take a glimpse into my life. Granted as of recent its pretty miserable. That and I'm also telling my best friend at the same time.

Its my space, and its out there for anyone to see but the app doesn't obligate itself to anything else on my phone like my contacts. Its private to me from anyone I know in person.

[whisperwillowsoftly]

Emotions No.4

So you know when you've got all these emotions. Something huge has happened and all your emotions are there and you know they are. Everything's there...But it's like it's trapped outside the glass box I'm inside. And there's no door for me to get out or for them to get in. And no matter how hard I try it's like I can't reach them they are that but I can't get to them.

It's like stuff I need to do. To have 10's of chores and homework and hygiene things to keep up with but I'm not panicking. I definately don't have the time to do it all and I definately do need to do them but its like I don't have to willingness to do it, like it's outside the glass box I'm in. I can see everything I need to do but I have no eagerness to do it. I know I have to but there's no rush no panic and it's frightening to me. That I don't care but I do. Like I have the need to do it but there's something blocking me. Numbing the necessary pathway that makes me jump up and do it, do the work, the chore. Process and deal with the emotions.

But I can't. And I don't know why. And that's the problem.

[whisperwillowsoftly]

Just had a really nice shower, which rarely happens, but I spent time washing my hair to have my nice curls, get rid of the excess of time I didn't shower (bodywash twice) for and now feel clean, listened to the song ive had on repeat for the past 7 ish days and did it in candle light. I have plenty of time to get to sleep for work tomorrow. I feel like I'm happy. Wow.

I remember this being a small dream of mine. Not to the letter, but having a starter florist business, have an active job in floristry, showering weekly at least (with hair no more than 10 days give or take) surrounded by plants, active therapy, with my dog (tinkerbell) on my bed asleep.

And I have that. Sure I have lots of trauma to work through, and lots of other bad stuff I don't want to travel up right now. But I'm where I once could barely imagine being. Im actually here. Whilst i will have my good and bad days my regular day is no longer getting by with a hum of negativity surrounding me.

I'm getting better.

[whisperwillowsoftly]

I know your mum doesnt like the idea and wants to convince you not to, but right now you really want to. But its not the best time to do that. So.

Come the start of august or September, make a decision, if it's still in your mind about growing the sides out, then just do it. It is your hair! No one else's. If you want to do it, if there is even the slightest inkling of wanting to try to grow your sides out then DO IT. You've had 9 months to grow in your confidence and individuality. Take an stand and do it.

Made: friday 17th november 2020 /\/\/\

You got the confidence in january, and you're growing your sides out, and shes okay with it I guess, quite concerned with the transition period and ne looking like a girl. But you're doing it, well done.

Development: 22nd january 2021 /\/\/\

So its growing out really well, your mum makes a few comments on how it looks, and what kind of style you want it to be finally. She's concerned with how other people will judge me based on my hair but I am more than okay with it and came to terms with the fact there would be an awkward period where it wouldn't do what I wanted it to or whatever but I'm okay with that.

Updated: 8th April 2021 /\/\/\

So its growing really well, a few inches now. Mum has well and fully come to terms with it and has recently plaited the top and sides, not long enough for it to do with ease but it did the trick for a week. I'm really happy with the progress and I'm starting to see myself reflected in my hair.

Updated 6th July 2021 /\/\/\

[whisperwillowsoftly]

So last night I had a conversation with a gay guy, and it got a little bit deep. We were talking about what we look for in people, and then how quick or slow we would take relationships and bordering the topic of our haste or reluctance to physical affection and sex . But the thing is it was a completely healthy conversation. We both had boundaries in the conversation and never answered any questions we didn't want to and we were respectful when a question wasn't going to get an answer. I've also known this guy for a bit and he's not just a random person.

And now I have had the healthy version of that conversation where I actually had the confidence to not answer what I wasn't comfortable answering and had someone on the other end that was content with what I told them and didn't ever dig for more answers to the questions I didn't want to answer I realise that all my other conversations were unhealthy. Because I not only didn't have the confidence to outright say no to some questions with other people, but they never respected any more subtle boundaries I out in place at the beginning I didn't have a lot of strength upholding. I realise I have had conversations with people I never should have and I was only trying to match their level of openness to make the conversation longer and better for them. Because I was trying to appease them. Looking back I have had quite a few relationships with people that mostly consisted of me giving information I wasn't okay with giving out.

[whisperwillowsoftly]

Right so my sister has so many healthy responses to stressful situations. Mostly has good communication skills in her relationships of all kinds and has mostly healthy responses to difficult situations and has mostly healthy boundaries in place.

I on the other hand have questionable communication skills. Dont have healthy responses to difficult situations but if not in a state of being either really nicely relaxed or extremely stressed I feel out of place because I'm not in an extreme situation because in so used to them. Still learning how to make and set in healthy boundaries because I've had many toxic ones that have harmed me mentally and physically. Still don't have the full capacity to feel emotions but on the way. Still have a lot of trauma and still have no idea who I would be without all the trauma and who I will become once I have processed all my trauma.

There are definitely differences in our stories but we have come out so differently from the same situation.

How does she have all these healthy responses and have healthy communication and understandings of her boundaries naturally. Why don't I have them too. Why do I need to get all the therapy to value myself, to make healthy boundaries, to find out how to healthily communicate my feelings and views when appropriate. To have confidence in myself. To deal with the scars ive been given mentally, why did I get the anorexia, depression, numbness, unhealthy coping mechanisms, excess childhood trauma, inability to set boundaries, self sacrificial attitude in order to appease others, fawn responses to distressing situations. The parental person in the group, the cold heartedness, the inability to cry since the end of primary school. Its been 7 years and I haven't shed an emotional tear. I got mental illnesses and am the only queer person in my family for 3 and possibly 4 generations and it is so absolutely draining. I feel like I represent the entire queer community to certain family members.

I wouldn't want my sister to have what I have in order to ease my pain. But why did I get so much more mess thrown my way. I have 2 therapist and I'm currently getting ready to try to switch one for a more specialised therapist to deal with the more deeper parental trauma I was so kindly gifted (so many levels of sarcasm) and because the current one in switching i need to pay but don't value myself enough to want to put money towards bettering myself because I can 'cope whilst balancing on what feels like a tightrope of razorblades on some days.

Sometimes I feel so numb the only thing that makes me feel alive is sitting outside at night waiting to feel cold before coming inside because I need to sleep for college the following day before I don't get enough sleep to the point where I become cynical and bordering on cruel to the people in my college class because my tolerance level for any grievances is a thin piece of string that can be snapped by breathing wrong on a bad day.

[whisperwillowsoftly]

I'm just outside, siting on a wooden pallet sofa (without cushions yet) with a blanket under me and lots of warm layers. I don't feel the cold at all.

I'm just in a light sombre state of mild numbness and reminiscence of the childhood moments that didn't lead me to this rather dysfunctional point of life.

A lot of people say 13 and 14 are the worst years of your life, and whilst I don't think they were too far off the mark they clearly never went through trauma, when the embarrassment of being a young teenager was the worst thing they've gone through.

But sometimes I just imagine. How free it must feel to be happy....for more than a moment. For weeks or months long before something bad happens. Where not being in the extremes emotionally of feeling everything or nothing and being okay with it. Having a mildly consistent hygiene routine, not hating your body. Having the one home as a child. Having both loving parents together. Not having to feel like your fighting with society half the time when you're getting dressed. Happy. Content.

And the thing is, I know this wonderful woman. Allocishet, kindest heart the world has seen. Teaches little kids with learning disabilities. Both parents still alive, together and that love one another in her 30's, no childhood trauma or any trauma for that matter, has a good relationship with siblings and both parents, with her highschool sweetheart, still in her first relationship and is married to the guy after being with each other for 10 years first. Beautiful dog called willow. Has the confidence she needs to get what she wants and does is kindly and respectfully.

And my gosh her heart seems so light, she is beautiful in so many ways and I wouldn't wish anything to happen to her. I would rain a world of pain on anyone who threatened to hurt her just to protect her from the world and unfortunate situations the rest of the human race seems to get landed.

And I just about never feel jealous. But sometimes a bit of jealously breaks through. She is so strong. And she is proof that you don't need to go through mess to stand up strong be powerful. But I guess I don't know how she would react to what I've gone through. And what I'm going through. If she would be able to stand through it. But thats not the point because I'd rather go through everything twice than wish it on someone else.

But anyway. I'm just outside. Basking in the light of the night. In what I think is the blue hour but its been this blue for about an hour already so i hope it doesn't go away yet.

I'm just gonna feel what I feel, listen to my music, and then wait a little longer and go to bed.