A Letter You’ll Never Read
Dear Paul,
I’ve written you a few notes in the past but this will be the longest since it’s the last one. It’s funny because ever since around March or April, I always knew what my next note to you was going to be. I kept a journal when I first moved here and would sometimes write about you in it. It was usually just a few sentences, but reading those journal entries back now it is so obvious how happy I was to spend time with you. I wrote the best things about you. After the first few notes I had left on your table I decided I was going to start leaving ones that were quotes from my journal that I wrote from our first few weeks together so you would know how I felt about you. I never did get to do that. Around that same time, you suddenly pulled away and became distant from me and I never got the chance to leave those more personal, intimate notes. So while this wasn’t exactly the next note I had always thought I’d write, here’s this one instead:
After the immense pain I felt in December and January after my past relationship and moving here to Denver on my own, I thought I wouldn’t be open to anyone again for a very long time. I especially never expected a boy from Indiana who lived across the street from me would become such a big part of my life. But you did. You made me laugh and smile and people to this day still say to me “You made such a huge turnaround in February, you became so much happier.” I know, without a doubt, that was because I met you, and I am so thankful for that. I know to you I was nothing more than someone who filled an emotional void and was a convenient hook-up, but you had always meant more than that to me.
Congrats, again, on your promotion. You work so hard and truly deserve it. The day you finally decide to say “Fuck you” to Dish and quit, I will smile and crack open a beer in celebration no matter where I am in the world. I hope one day you find a job that is fulfilling and makes you happy.
I hope you know you will find love again, you just have to be open to it. I can tell how hurt you are from your past relationship; it was very obvious from even the first day I met you. But I promise you there are people out there who won’t cheat on you. I truly hope the hurt you feel subsides one day soon. I know what that pain feels like. I also know it eventually goes away. Until then, I have a good playlist of country music songs that always cheers me up. Let me know if you ever need it.
I hope you always wear plaid flannel shirts, never use more than two Spanish words at a time, and always break-in through windows when you forget your keys (doors are too mainstream anyways, right?) I hope that when you’re sitting inside in the winter and want to know if it’s snowing outside you remember to listen to the sound of slush under car tires; this method has a 99% accuracy rate… trust me. I hope you always win nerf gun battles at work and that you perfect the sneak attack. I hope you always “roll with it.” I hope you always find comfortable hammocks on beaches to lay in and unwind. I hope that if one day in the distant future we run into each other in some random city, we high five each other really fast a bunch of times. (Confession: my nervous habit I somehow formed around you will probably never subside, you can count on that much.)
I hope you always say yes to new adventures and continue to travel the world. I hope you make it to Machu Picchu one day, it is so worth it. If you do, send me a picture, preferably with a llama photobombing in the background.
But most of all, I hope you’ll always look back on our short time together with happiness. I know I will.
If you ever need anything, you know how to reach me, Wonderwall boy.
Con cariño,
Juliana
