#englandxreader

[dcsally]

Fanfic for evildarkmonkey24

Dunya’s PoV~

I stood outside the school, examining the foreboding building. It was a large structure that rose high above my head up three stories. This was Gakuen Hetalia, the high school I had been wanting to be enrolled in since I first heard of it. I don’t know why but I had been instantly obsessed with the idea of standing in its halls. Was it because they were known for their international studies or the fantastic music program that had enchanted all who had heard it? Either way, I wanted to be here.

It was officially my first day here and I was stupidly smiling ear to ear. I was just so happy. And as I took my first step through its gate as a student, I told myself nothing could stop me.

But that was before I smacked my head on my inoperable locker for the umpteenth time within the twenty minutes I’ve been standing there.

"Stupid," I chanted as my head lifted and crashed to the metal surface once again. “Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Open. You. Stupid. Piece. Of. Junk." I stopped as my brain started throbbing in disapproval from the constant shaking. “Ow…" Rubbing my temples, I took a few steps away from the evil cage. I glared menacingly at the accursed metal casing that was denying me any deserved entry whatsoever.

I sighed to calm down a little. Maybe I was rushing it. For the last twenty minutes. I entered the combination once more, hoping for any change this time. “C’mon. C’mon." The final number was entered and I attempted the lock once more. No luck. “CURSE IT!"

I banged my head dramatically on the locker, sending my brain an unsatisfying bash. It replied with a groan of protest. “Why won’t this thing open?" I mumbled to myself.

I heard a couple of chuckles from behind me so it seemed my failed attempts have served as entertainment for those who had arrived a half hour early, such as myself. I groaned more when they started laughing harder from my earlier comment. My first day of school was already failing my expectations by the extreme.

"Hey, need some help?" A hand was suddenly on my shoulder. I lifted my head to make eye contact with a bright eyed blonde who was grinning at me. I would have thought he was a nerd due to his glasses but the football jacket he was wearing told me otherwise.

I smiled, relieved. “Yes, please." I gave him my locker combination and gave him my locker combination. He glanced down at it a couple times before inputting it himself.

While the guy was fiddling with my lock, I examined the rest of his attire. His football jacket seemed to belong to varsity members which would either mean he was a prodigy freshman or a talented upperclassman. The second seemed more plausible so he was definitely older than me. I averted my eyes downward to see he wore jeans and sneakers like me.

"Bingo." My eyes cast themselves upward to his face. He was concentrated on the locker and, after attempting to jiggle it, he pushed it up forcibly before pulling it downward. The lock gave way easily.

He smiled at me as I looked at him in awe. “Some of the locks at this school are strange. You got to push them up before pulling them down. Weird school, huh?" He started laughing gleefully. His laugh was manly and light hearted so I couldn’t help but giggle along.

After our little laughing session, he continued to smile at me. “You must be a freshman, right?"

I grin a little. “Yeah. " I started putting my books inside. “It’s actually my first time inside this school."

His eyes widened in surprise. “What? So you haven’t seen any of the football games here?"

I take out the books I need for the next two periods. “No, I haven’t. But I’m more interested in the music program."

As I closed my locker, an arm wrapped itself around my shoulders suddenly. “Listen, you should see one of my games! I’m quarter back for the varsity team and we’re currently undefeated."

"But football season hasn’t even started."

"I mean ever since I joined the football team we’ve been undefeated." He jumped back suddenly, throwing his arms in the air and pulling his head back. “Three years straight!" He cupped his mouth and shouted out to a group of football players down the hall. “WHAT TEAM?"

"WILDCATS!" They yelled back. The hall was filled a series of whoops and cheers until a teacher shooed the football players elsewhere.

I couldn’t help but laugh at this guys antics. “So you’re a senior?" I say between chuckles. He nodded enthusiastically. “Haha, then I’ll be sure to see one of your games."

My shoulders were once again in his arm. “That’s great! Team spirit is the best!"

The bell suddenly rang for first period and I shot the excited blonde a smile. “I got to go to first period now." I gently removed his arm. The hall was suddenly filling with other students hurrying to their classes. I definitely didn’t want to be caught in the crowd. “Thanks again! See you around!" I made my way towards the crowd.

America’s PoV~ There was no way I could lose that cool freshman now! It was rare that a girl wasn’t trying to flirt with me let alone someone who was genuinely laughing at my jokes. “Hey wait!" I called out as she was about to enter the crowd. “What’s your name?"

The noise in hall was so loud that I highly doubted that she heard me. But just as I was about to lose hope, she turned around and gave me a smile. “Dunya. My name’s Dunya." With that she melted into the tide of students.

I grinned and leaned against her locker. “Dunya, huh." I couldn’t help but smile at that name. It was just so… Nice.

"Hey, go to class, air head!"

Dunya’s PoV~ My first period was coincidentally study hall. It was supposed to be French class but the teacher had called in sick and a substitute couldn’t be found in time. So the principal released the class into the library and told the students to stay put.

"Read something. Enlighten yourselves. And don’t annoy the librarian because he can tie your body in knots before you realize what you did wrong." was the exact phrase he said before he turned around and headed for his office hurriedly. I bet everyone was thinking the same thing: he spoke from experience.

I made my way around the library, thinking of any possible books I could be reading. None came to mind and my next period was math but there was no way I was reading my math book. However, I did leave my piano sheets in my backpack.

I walked over to a group of tables on the far side of the library and took a seat at the one closest to the window. It was a nice day with a cool breeze and the leaves outside were turning from a vibrant green to a shade of autumn orange and red. The view was very relaxing, perfect for practicing my fingering.

Using my books from my backpack, I made a small stand for my piano notes and positioned my hands on the table as if I were at an actual piano. I imagined myself at home, right next to the window to my backyard. My backpack on the couch behind me and the quiet home anxiously awaiting my piece. Glancing at my notes, I began tapping my fingers on the keys, hearing the soft music weaving into the air like butterflies on a warm summer afternoon.

The notes fell in rhythm with the leaf fall outside and the wind gently played along by pushing the door chimes in a light hearted tune. Yes, this was my world. My quiet little world with music playing perfectly and no one stopping me.

"Excuse me, but could you stop that bloody tapping."

I snapped out of my imaginary world, remembering I was at school, not my home. Looking up, I realized the retort had come from the table across from mine. A boy with emerald green eyes and bushy eyebrows was staring menacingly at me. His blonde hair was tossed about messily from what I think might have been repeated ruffling. I grinned sheepishly.

"Sorry about that," I said back. He shook his head angrily.

"Just bloody stop. I’m already having enough bloody trouble from this class. Why of all the bloody languages I could have chosen I chose that bloody frog’s language?"

I blushed slightly from his British accent but luckily he was looking down at the pile of papers in front of him. Did I even notice he was there earlier? I headed here without thinking. My mind started thinking about the librarian. Oh god I hope HE didn’t hear me.

I started shoving my books back into my bag but a gust of wind suddenly blew my piano sheets all over the floor. “Oh great," I muttered. With my books in my bag, I started gathering my papers. I gathered a couple before noticing the boy from before was helping me out. He grumbled while he did it but he was helping.

"No, you don’t have to help me out-"

"Oh just let me bloody help you. I need some rest from my work anyway."

I smiled a little and together we gathered the papers quickly. He handed me over his pile with his head turned to the side. “Here. I didn’t want to help you. I did it so you could stop being so bloody bothersome." I took the papers, hoping he wouldn’t see me blush.

"Thanks." We had ended up closer to his table while gathering the piano sheets. My eyes wandered over to his papers curiously. “Maybe I could help you with your work?"

He blushed furiously. “W-Why would I need your help? It’s not like you know French."

I grinned sheepishly. “Haha, actually I’m fluent."

His eyebrows furrowed together like two caterpillars kissing. “Then why are you in a beginners class?" As my eyes widened in surprise, he sighed. “As student body president, it’s obvious I should know that a freshman French class would be in the library today. The principal told me to keep an eye on all of you but I knew the librarian could handle it."

My eyes widened even more. “You’re student body president?"

He grinned proudly."Yes, that I am, poppet. My name is Arthur Kirkland, proud British gentleman through and through."

I really didn’t think proud and gentleman go in the same sentence… Of course I didn’t say it out loud. “Wow. Wait, since your president, you’re a-"

"A senior, yes. I’ve poured my heart and soul into my work here. Not that it was hard to do." He then glared angrily at his papers. “Which is why this bloody French work is getting me so worked up."

I walked over to the papers and glanced at the problems. “I could help you out."

Arthur blushed. “I-I don’t need your-"

I smiled up at him, making him stop mid-sentence. “You helped me so I should help you."

He blushed and turned away. By the way he was acting, I was expecting him to say no. Instead, he sat down and pulled out the chair next to him. Arthur refused to make eye contact with me. “Fine. But only because you insisted."

I smiled and we worked for the rest of the period. Arthur was really good at French but he kept getting off topic, ranting on and on about “that bloody frog". I chuckled at some of his comments but we were able to finish the work.

"And that bloody frog kept insulting my cooking which I don’t find the slightest error in-"

The bell for the next period interrupted him mid-rant. He looked up on the clock wall. “Oh, it looks like its next period." Arthur turned to me, a smile of his face. “Thank you." He suddenly blushed and turned away. “Y-Your help is much appreciated even though I didn’t need it."

I grinned and pat him on the back. “No problem. Later." I picked up my bag and made my way out.

England’s PoV~ Oh bloody hell, I was blushing again. My people skills were never very good so I always wondered how I ended up as Student Body President. It was rare that people did talk to me so when this girl did…

It wasn’t until she started leaving that I realized I needed to know her name. “W-Wait!"

She turned around and sent a smile my way. “I got to go. See you later?" I nodded dumbly as she left.

I didn’t even know her name! God, what a stupid wanker I was. I sighed as I got my things and made my way to my next class. Maybe I’d see her again.

-Time Skip to Lunch (Sponsored by an awesome Prussian and a pan-wielding Hungarian)-

America’s PoV~ I was so starved for lunch. I bought a bunch of hamburgers from the cafeteria and two soda cans, coke of course. Once I got all of it, I made my way to the table with my friends from difference grades. It was kind of crowded but it’s been this way over the years. I sat right next to Kiku, wrapping my arm around his shoulders.

"Arfred-san, courd you prease take off your arm."

"Haha, sorry dude. I thought you’d be over the touching thing by senior year." I removed my arm as a courtesy to Kiku and began digging in. The conversation continued and I listened while eating all my burgers.

"So, Ludwig-san, I’ve heard from your brother that you’ve taken in Fericiano as your Senpai."

The muscular blonde nodded. “Ja, I think someone has to keep an eye on him. Even if I’m still a freshman, ve know each other vell enough. "

The Italian wrapped his arms around Ludwig. “Ah, Luddy~ Don’t be so mean~ Besides, I’m a not the only Senpai."

Kiku turned his head curiously to Feliciano. “Oh? Who erse?"

Francis chuckled a little. “Mon ami, I ‘ave taken in a follower myself. ‘Er name is Michelle. She is quite an adorable freshman and is pleased to be under my wing."

We all groaned. Sometimes Francis got a little carried away.

Yao jumped in. “I have news, aru! I took on a bright young man called Li Xiao Chun! He’s so talented so I bet you’re all jealous, aru. Today is my lucky day!"

Kiku sighed. “I became the Senpai of a free spirited freshman. He seems obsessed with meeting you, Yao."

Yao suddenly stood up, almost flipping the table. “Does he go ‘da~ze’ and take credit for other people’s work?" Kiku nodded dutifully. “AIYAH! IT’S IM YONG SOO! I DIDN’T KNOW HE CAME TO THIS SCHOOL!"

"ANIKI!!!!" The call came from the food court where an eccentric guy was waving his hands around wildly. “BE MY SENPAI!!! NOTICE ME!!!" Yao was a blue streak as he ran out of the cafeteria. “ANIKI, COME BACK!!!" Im Yong Soo dashed after him. I couldn’t help but whistle.

"If our freshman football team could hustle like that, they’d be as undefeated as the varsity team."

"No one cares about your bloody football teams. All they do is run around bashing each other’s brains in, lowering their already minuscule IQ." We all knew it was Arthur. Ludwig scooted over and the Brit climbed next to him. Luckily for all of us, he had bought lunch today. Arthur glared at Francis. “Frog."

Francis glared back at him. “Black sheep of Europe."

Arthur suddenly stood up. “What did you say, you bloody wanker!"

"I don’t zink zat was a question."

Kiku stood up, putting his hands up. “Prease, carm down. This is onry the first day at schoor and your are arready fighting."

The Brit sat down, grumbling. “Fine. For first day’s sake. What are we bloody talking about anyway?"

A dark aura suddenly fell on the table. “I believe we were all talking about Senpais."

Feliciano hid behind Ludwig and Kiku glared menacingly at the tall figure that had appeared out of nowhere. Arthur and France were shaking and slowly sinking underneath the table. I chuckled angrily. He and I didn’t get along with each other very well.

"Hey, Ivan," I said challengingly. “Did you become a Senpai?"

Ivan is usually all smiles and cute little chuckles. Which is why when he suddenly acted scared, we were all surprised and frightened. “D-da. I-I became a Senpai." He sank down to hide under the table. “P-Please don’t let her know I’m here."

We were all really frightened at that point. What freshman could scare the horrifying Ivan?

Kiku coughed, trying to calm down our worries. “A-Arthur-san, did you become a Senpai today?"

He frowned. “N-No, but I got a freshman who seems like she may want me to be."

I laughed. “She? Dude, a girl wouldn’t want you to be her Senpai. You’re lying your pants off."

He glared at me. “It’s not like you are a Senpai."

I cocked a grin. “I so am. There’s this one girl who laughed at all my jokes. I was helping her out with her locker so of course she sees me as her hero." Arthur chuckled back at me and I frowned. “What?"

"A girl who genuinely laughs at your jokes? Well, my girl is rational despite being fluent in French."

"Ohonhonhon, ‘as Arthur been swept into a loving-"

"Quiet, frog, it’s not like that!"

I laughed at the both of them. “Then what’s her name?"

Arthur frowned and blushed. “Her name is… Well… I didn’t bloody ask her ok!"

Francis and I laughed at him. “See! You made her up! Like your other imaginary friends!"

Arthur growled at me. “Well, what’s your girl’s name?"

I grinned. “Dunya. She is awesome and cool and into the music program and she’s going to all my football games."

He raised his extremely exaggerated eyebrow. “Music? Did she by any chance mention piano?"

"No. Why?"

"Alfred, what I’m trying to say is-"

My eye caught on to a familiar figure weaving through the crowd at the food court. I stood up and shouted to her from our table. “HEY DUNYA, OVER HERE!!!"

Dunya’s PoV~

I had just paid for my food when a loud, familiar voice called out to me. I turned around and searched for a familiar blonde. He sat a little ways a way from the chaos and I weaved through the crowd towards him. I still haven’t caught his name yet, which was kind of a fail on my part for not asking.

The jock came out from his table and… Kind of sauntered over to me. I giggled. “What the heck are you doing?"

"What? I can’t walk over to a good friend of mine without being questioned?" I continued to giggle as I followed him back to his table. “Anyways, here are my friends. Ludwig over there is a freshman, like you."

I waved my hand at him, trying to be friendly. As my eyes go over the whole group, I come across a pair of familiar green eyes.

"Hi, Arthur!"

The Brit suddenly jumped up and smacked his hands on the table. “I told you I didn’t make her up!"

The jock looked from him to me suddenly. “Wait, so you know Artie?"

"Of course she bloody knows me, she just said my name!"

"Well, excuuuuuuuse me, Mr. Cranky-Pants."

"Stop mentioning my pants!"

"Arthur-san, he means trousers."

"I know bloody well what he means, Kiku."

Arthur and the jock started arguing about something or another and I just shrugged and sat down next to a quiet guy who seemed to be Kiku. “Are they always this loud?"

He sighed. “Hai."

An arm suddenly snaked its way around my waist and I came face to face with a guy with long blonde hair and a bit of a stubble on his chin.

"Why, ‘ello zere, mon cherie. Are you the little French prodigy I’ve been ‘earing about?"

I pushed him away and nodded. “Oui. Et vous êtes?(1)"

He grinned at me. “Francis. Francis Bonnefoy. C’est un plaisir de faire votre connaissance.(2)" Francis kissed my hand.

I sighed. This must have been that frog Arthur was talking about. “S’il vous plaît, pourriez-vous vous retirer de ma personne?(3)"

Francis seemed quite surprised but did as I asked. At least he was courteous and stopped. He seated himself next to me but a little too close for comfort. I sighed and turned my attention to the two brawling blondes.

"She’s mine!"

"No way, you wanker, she’s mine!"

I blinked in confusion before tapping Kiku on the shoulder. He seem to recoil at my touch. “Ah, sorry. But who are they fighting over?"

He looked surprised. “They’re fighting over who gets to be your Senpai. Weren’t you ristening?"

I stared at him and the fighting boys. “What’s a Senpai?"

Kiku scratched his head. “Ah, it seems you aren’t famiriar with Japanese terminoroy. Senpai is a phrase you use for those you respect highry and those you want to have the attention of."

"When did this get assumed?" I asked.

"Arfred-san mentioned you and said he rearry riked you. Arthur-san said the same. You’ve reft quite an impression on them."

My eyes widened and suddenly two hands were on my shoulders. I turned to be face to face to Arthur and Alfred, which seemed to be the jock’s name.

"Well, Dunya. Who is it going to be?"

"Yes, poppet. Who is going to be your Senpai?"

"I-I, well…"

Oh God, how did this happen?

(I had to improvise with some of the info about Dunya. This was quite a fun topic to write about. I hope you like it, Senpai! -Arabia Knight)

-Translation- (1) Yes. And you are? (2) It’s a pleasure to make your acquaintance. (3) Please, could you remove yourself from my person?

-Cast- Dunya- Daniella Arthur- England Alfred- America Kiku- Japan Francis- France Ludwig- Germany Feliciano- North Italy Yao- China Ivan- Russia Michelle- Seychelles Li Xiao Chun- Hong Kong I’m Yong Soo- South Korea Librarian- Germania Principal- Roman Empire Ivan’s follower- Belarus(obviously)

[fucknoreaderinserts-blog]

Empty Bottle- England x Male!Reader

First review from this blog in a few months!  I believe this was submitted as a 'good' reader insert, so I'll take a look and see what I think!

First impression?  Hey, for once I see decent formatting and spacing.  This is promising!  As for the title, I'm sensing a drunk!England fic coming on.  This has been done a LOT, so I'm hoping that the author here has taken a new approach.  (But wow, MALE reader?  This is something I haven't seen before!)

Story under the cut!

He'd been drinking; you could tell. His words were slurred, his movement slow. (Not bad on the description, but the semi-colon approach isn't quite working.  I would suggest cutting out the "you could tell" altogether.  I think I understand the tone you're going for?  Like a kind of dry, resigned tone, something dark?  To achieve it, you want to be fairly concise and choose powerful words that say a lot in a few syllables.  Also, try changing the "words were slurred, movement slow" into active voice.  Throw some actions in.  Maybe some setting.) The empty whiskey bottle was a giveaway too; the last few drops of golden liquid still lingering at the bottom [of the whiskey bottle], like the first raindrops before a storm. [interesting simile.  I wonder if you could enhance that simile with a more powerful word than "lingering" earlier on in the sentence.] He looked up at you, those green eyes clouded over slightly, his bottom lip curling into a frown. [new paragraph?]You sighed; this was becoming almost predictable, that immediately after a case he'd drown himself in alcohol. [Run-on/awkward?] You didn't know why he did it and, to be honest, --part of you didn't really want to. But that didn't make it any easier to watch your partner, your brother, your friend, do this to himself. You slid a hand around the neck of the glass bottle, pulling it away from him, [New sentence.  Make the action more direct. We can infer that he did not appreciate this by the way he reacts.  No need to state it] a move he did not seem to appreciate, letting out a deep groan. "No Arthur", you said, voice managing to keep steady. "No more." You had no idea how you'd managed to keep your voice so steady, so unmoved. While you had received a reputation as a disciplined officer during your time in the military, you'd never found yourself so under control. Though that probably wasn't the right phrase; you weren't keeping your emotions under control, you were simply trying to ignore them. [I can't put my finger on it, but this is a bit wordy and could probably be tightened up and keep the same meaning.  I do like that he kind of reconsiders keeping himself under control verses ignoring his emotions.]You bit into your tongue, trying to focus on the metallic tang rather than the freezing air. [I like this last sentence] "Why?" he rasped, raising both eyebrows. "Why should I?" You stuttered, trying to think of a logical reason.[Can be inferred from stuttering.] [New paragraph with a new speaker/actor]Arthur must have noticed your hesitation, because he let out a sigh, pulling himself to his feet, steadying himself on the walls. You bit harder, trying to stop yourself from blurting out the first thing that came into your head. You took in a deep breath, before answering. 

[This comment is after my first read-through and is just here to bring up a thought:  I would think that this whole missing brother thing would have been stewing around in protagonist's mind for a while.  I think he already HAS the reason.  Maybe at first he's just reluctant to bring it up.] "Because Arthur", your voice shook a little, forcing you to take in another breath, "Because y-you don't need to a-and…" "And what?" You swallowed. "It's destroying you." Silence fell on the room, broken only by the regular tick of the grandfather clock, mirroring your own heartbeat. [Oh, good, some setting!  I was hoping you wouldn't leave me in a vacuum] You turned towards the windows, pulling the thick velvet curtains across, extinguishing the faint light, covering up the pillars of smoke that stretched as far as the eye could see, extensions of the blackened factory chimneys. [Good description] For some reason, Arthur had suggested you set up in the heart of the industrial district, a fact which you suspected of having lost you many upper class customers over the years. [Reword. "of having lost" is just awkward] This was the part of the city with a bad reputation, the part that people whispered rumours about when they were certain they were not being overheard. The perfect place for a detective to live.  "I do have a bloody reason, anyway." That didn't make sense at all; everything was going right for the two of you. You were making money, not only enough to pay the rent, but enough to live comfortably on too. Even Arthur, who'd always been a grumpy old sod, had seemed to lighten up a little. The previous case hadn't been that taxing, financially or effort-wise. You'd still remember the look on that man's face though [Try "never forget"?]; [semi-colon not necessary, try a --]the look of utter shock as he was lead [lead is either a present tense verb or a metal.  Led.] away after his arrest. It got you every time; [comma would work] the way criminals always seemed to think that they alone were immune to the law. There was absolutely nothing that he should be unhappy about. Then it hit you. His brother. His brother. [???  Maybe try "His brother." for emphasis?] He never talked about his brother, that younger brother that he'd never got over loosing [Losing]. You had no idea if the brother was dead, or had just left. It didn't really matter though; he was gone, leaving Arthur behind, mourning his loss, mourning for that little brother who could never be replaced, no matter what you did, no matter how hard you tried. You swallowed, trying to stop the bile in your throat from rising any further.  

Oh dear, how to begin here.  This paragraph is all over the place.  See how many words you can cut out to make this much more concise.  "He rarely spoke of the brother he'd lost" (b/c can infer that he's not over it, considering the drinking problem).  "You did not know if he was dead or just gone--but Arthur was left to mourn the loss of a little brother who you would never replace no matter how hard you tried."  Something along those lines?  There is a lot of extraneous material here that could be tightened to better express the emotion.] You'd tried so hard to be a good brother to him, so hard. Because, really, without him, you had nobody. You'd been an orphan, pressganged into military service when you had barely left childhood. You'd grown up there, in the military, centring your entire life,--your entire identity--around it. And that was why it had felt like the end of the world when you were discharged, your right arm now forged from tin. The city was utterly foreign; a place of new sights, new smells, new sounds, where you knew nobody and nobody knew you [Stronger descriptor than "new" perhaps to sink it the strangeness?]. And, out of the blue, Arthur Kirkland had welcomed you into his home and into his family. [I really do love that you're giving backstory for the protagonist.  It's definitely an intriguing one, as well, and gives good motives to WHY he's worried.] It had taken a while for him to warm up to you, you would admit. But eventually, even that grumpy old detective had learned to accept you, letting you work with him side by side. You first heard about his brother then, but you didn't think much of the story. After all, it wasn't like Arthur was your brother, was he? But, if he wasn't, why did you feel so jealous whenever he mentioned him in passing, that traitor to the family name? You couldn't subdue your emotion any longer, finally letting the corners of your mouth curl up into a snarl, your back still to Arthur.       "And why would that be?" you asked, knowing the answer completely. "Because you still haven't got over your little brother walking out on you." You knew you were pushing your luck, knew that.  [Got rid of the comma, put in a period.] Had both of you been sober, you wouldn't have said anything of the sort. But you were too drunk on emotion to care.  "Nothing of the sort!" he snapped back, voice rising with every word. "Good", you snarled, "Because that means it'll still hurt this time." [Whoa, harsh, where did this come from??] "What?" You picked up your top hat from the wooden table, placing the empty bottle down in its place. Striding towards the door, you placed it on your head roughly, not caring that it slid to one side. The old floorboards let out a pathetic squeal as you walked towards the door, almost like they were begging you to stay. [Wonderful description!!  I would love to see more vivid description like this one!  It thrusts the reader into the story]You turned around one last time, taking in every corner of the dark room. Your gaze focused on the scruffy mop of blond hair, your eyes narrowing.  "Because Arthur", you began, pleading with your voice not to shake, "I am no longer your little brother."

[Whoa man.  All that build-up definitely did lead up to an effective moment here, despite a lot of awkward sentence structure.  But ouch, harsh.]

Okay

Overall:

The writing was alright, but there were a lot of extraneous words and awkward structures clogging up the prose.  I get the feeling that this sort of story needs to be extremely concise with powerful, dark words and vivid images to be the most effective.  Try for active voice when you can.  And here's the thing:  I KNOW YOU HAVE IT IN YOU.  There were some gorgeous descriptors that fit the dark mood of this piece so well, as I've pointed out!  Try for more of THAT.  Make the reader forget that they're reading a story.  Make them think they're actually in the midst of the action.

Another problem area--a huge chunk (the brother backstory) of the prose feels like an explanation, which  isn't all that technically interesting to read. If you can possibly incorporate more of the backstory into part of the argument (a confrontation!), that would force BOTH characters to respond to the backstory as WELL as throw in a LOT of good tension, which would make the breaking point (ie, protagonist storming out) a LOT more believable.  As is, I'm kind of lost to the exact WHYS of the storming out, other than that the protagonist is obviously tired of trying to replace this brother figure.  But, as I also understand, he owes Arthur a debt and has no other friends.

I think this story has potential if it's cleaned up a lot.  I like that it's WAY far from the typical reader insert (when I saw the title, I kind of groaned, because I'm used to these stories taking a sharp turn down into drunk!sex-ville for no apparant reason.).  I like that you gave BOTH characters backstories and made their issues believable.

--A (surprise, I'm back for a few reviews now that I have more time!  I've reverted to an occasional guest reviewer, as I don't have time for full-time blogging anymore.  I'll be around for events, though!  J and R have some interesting plans involving Omegle and that bad fanfiction bingo that I absolutely could not miss out on!)

[beetmother]

SO WHO WANTS TO READ MY FANFICTION?

i'm really happy with it

maybe because its based off of real events but you know whatever

[yakimochita]

watch me on deviantart ashleyfernandez12

[aquashard]

I Remember your name : England x Deceased!Reader

A figure of messed up sunshine blond hair stood at the edge of a cemetery gripping a bouquet of roses. His emerald green eyes were swarming with memories of the past. The air was crisp carrying the scent of a possible snowstorm. It was late fall so all the graves were covered with leaves from the oak and walnut trees that were planted around the perimeter of the area. The leave crinkled under the male's feet as he made his way across the area with a clear destination in his mind.

As he arrived at his destination, a soft sad smile played across Arthur's face. "Hello _____, I decided to stop by before I left for the world meeting. It's taking place in Alfred's land this time. A bit Ironic isn't it." he said placing the roses on the top of the grave. His now empty hand made it's way into his golden locks as he tried to think of something to say. It wasn't that the Englishman was at a lost of word. Quite the opposite in fact he had so much he wanted to say but how. No not just how, why and what as well. He was so uncertain of how to say what he wanted. 

"Love, your... our daughter, is growing up beautifully. I'm just sorry I wasn't there." He could feel the tears starting to make their way down his cheeks. It was that moment that his knees buckled under him causing him to kneel in the grass that someone who was very dear to him laid under. It was his fault no  matter how he looked at it. No matter what anyone said. He could see it as clearly as if it were just happening, much like he could with when Alfred left him.

---------- flash back---------------

You smiled a bit from your hospital bed as you looked at the man you loved more you ever would've thought possible holding your daughter. She and you would be heading home in a few hours however Arthur would be leaving sooner and not around for at least the next few days. The blonde man smiled at your child then turned his attention to you. "I'm sorry, love, but If I'm to make it on time I've got to leave now." he said before pressing his lips to both your and your daughter's head. 

<b><i>With you</i></b>

two hours later a nurse came in to begin the process of being released to your sister, who was taking you home. Once all that was completed they helped you get in the car along with (daughter's name) and you started on your way home. Halfway home everything went south. Your sister, Danielle, had just pulled into an intersection with the right of way when another car came barreling towards your car. Instinctively, you threw yourself between the oncoming car and your child. A sharp pain then nothing only the faint sound of sirens and they were fading. 

<b><i>With Arthur</i></b>

Arthur was sitting on his plane that had just taken off when one of his assistants approached him. "Excuse me sir, there's a phone call from a lady named, Danielle. She says it's urgent." He nodded before setting his tea down and heading to where he could take the phone call. 

"Hello, this is Arthur Kirkland." he said into the phone to indicate that he had picked up.

"Arthur, I have terrible news, ____ and I were in an accident. And..." her voice began to crack and trail off.

"Are you all ok?" the man asked trying to get the lady on the other end to respond. Even though he asked in the pit of his stomach he already knew the answer. He was just hoping it was wrong. Sure he knew eventually he would have to deal with this but he had never thought it would be this soon.

"I am, and so is (daughter's name) but... _____.... she, she may n-not make it." It was obvious to the male that Danielle was barely holding herself together. As the news he heard finally processed, his phone slipped out of his hand.

He quickly scrabbled for the phone and picked it up. "I'll be there as soon as I can." the blonde's voice was surprisingly steady "for now I will have to hang up." a brief good bye from the other end came and he hung up.

A couple of quick breaths left Arthur's lips as he tried to gather himself. His hands quickly moved across the number pad as he dialed Alfred's phone. He couldn't exactly not just show up for the meeting.

"Alfred, it's Arthur." he said trying to keep his voice from shaking, "I'm sorry to call so suddenly but..." He trailed off as his voice began to shake almost unintelligibly.

He could just picture's the American's expression with the response. "Dude, what's wrong? Your voice is shaking." Arthur didn't want to worry his former charge but he was having trouble keeping himself together.

"I won't be able to make the meeting. I'm afraid that..." he trailed off again to try and prevent himself from breaking down. The man had expected it to be a lot easier to call that he wouldn't be able to make it. It wasn't exactly like he would call an absence often.

"I'm afraid that _____ is in trouble... and... and I want to be there for here." his voice cracked this time as he tried to finish his final sentence. The silence on the line was deafening as his conversation partner seemed to process the information.

"I see. I'm sorry. I think everyone will understand." the response was calm, sorrowful and almost inaudible as if the normally obnoxious American seemed to, for once in his life, put all the pieces together. Truthfully this didn't surprise Arthur much, he knew for a fact that most of the other countries also liked you. The conversation ended shortly after that and The English gentlemen returned to the front of his plane.

"Dianna, please tell the Pilot to turn the plan around. There seems to be a change of plans and we must return to England." he directed his assistant as he picked up his tea. His hand was shaking so the drink seemed to not want to stay in it's cup. A soft sigh left his lips as he placed it back down. If only he had been the one to take you home .

-------- end flashback---------

Arthur was clearing off the leaves from around the grave as he thought of that day. "If I could go back, I would be the one to take you home. Maybe then you would've survived." he sighed, "I wish I could do something to bring you back. Immortality isn't fun when you see the most important people to you leave you." The sound of some more feet crunching over the leaves reached his ears.

He turned his green eyes from the tombstone towards the oncoming figures. One was a young girl with (h/c) hair pulled up in a pair of pigtail she appeared to be about 5. The other was another male with shoulder length blond hair, blue eyes. He smiled as the girl started running towards him. 

"Dad, Uncle Francis was showing me some pictures from when you guys were younger." she giggled as she started clinging to Arthur. He quickly wiped the tears off his face so he didn't have to explain why he was crying.

The man had finally arrived. "mon ami, She wouldn't like to see you sad like zis. _____ would 'ave wanted you to live your life, non?" The Frenchman said as he spotted his old friend and rival's expression. It was clear to him that the Englishman had been crying.

Arthur shot a half-hearted glare towards Francis. "I am well aware of that you bloody frog." He stood up and brushed the leaves off his pants. Once he was satisfied he grabbed his daughter's hand. "come on it's best we be off soon."

(daughter's name) nodded. Then pulled her hand away from her father's returning to the side of Francis. Arthur chuckled a bit at the girl. "Oh love before I forget. Happy birthday." he said casting one last look at the grave before starting towards the other two.

[kushamisaru]

Psychiatric Ward 2P!EnglandxReader Part 1

When your folks left, slowly your tears dried and you became more comfortable. The group gave you a very warm welcome and treated you well. You figured that with you being the baby of the group, their protective parental instincts kicked in. This was supported by the fact that all but one of them were parents. There was Celia, who was the queen bee. But not because she was a bitch or anything. No, quite the opposite. She had a very warm and loving personality that just attracted others to her. She was also fucking hilarious. In fact, she was the one who did the most of cheering you up. You guessed she wasn't as old as she looked; by the missing teeth, you figured she was a smoker, and that tended to age people. When you found out she was here to get away from her abusive husband, however, you felt pretty guilty. There was Deb, who struck you as a little bit senile (and I do mean a little), but she was a kind soul. She was also pretty hilarious. You felt lucky to be in such a fun group. Then there was Sarah. You wouldn't see much of her during your stay, but as far as first impressions go you were so excited to see her. You thought (incorrectly) that she was the closest to your age and hoped you'd be friends. She reminded you a lot of Darlene from Roseanne, in looks and –later on- in personality. There was Tia, who came off you to as a more quiet, nurturing type. You got a motherly vibe from her, and that was comforting to you. There was Kitty, who was closest to your age. She, Celia, and Deb seemed to have a pre-existing relationship with one another. And just like them, she was pretty funny. You noticed she was a bit spacy, her beautiful blue eyes (no homo) staring off into space. She looked like a slightly chubbier version of Hellboy's girlfriend; haircut and all. And then there was Tex, the only guy of the group (for now ;D) . You initially felt uncomfortable around him, as you did all men much older then you. But you soon realized he was just a big teddy bear, and you felt silly for feeling that way. By the time your folks came back, you felt much better. Your mom and dad seemed to recover as well, which made you feel good. You were the kind of person to put others before yourself, after all. 8:00 came around, which meant your parents had to leave you again. This time, though. You didn't cry. Since the others were on sleep medication, most of them left to go to bed. Tia stayed the longest with you, probably not wanting to leave you alone. But soon even she left you. You sat alone watching TV, the feeling of loneliness consuming you again. "The others are probably asleep right now, but… Oh look, someone's up after all!" You heard a nurse start, heading in your direction. "What's your name again, dear?" They asked you that a lot. Every 15 minutes, to be exact. You wondered whether they really didn't remember or they were just doing their job. Either way it annoyed you "_______" You replied. You noticed the odd looking gentleman behind her. "______, this is Oliver." You noticed the way his extremely fuzzy eyebrows flinched in annoyance. Had she said something wrong? "And Oliver, this is ________." He twitched again, then smiled warmly at you. "Ello, love. Pleasure to meet you." Oh god, dat accent… you thought to yourself. You smiled back. "Nice to meet you too, Oliver." Another twitch, accompanied by a growl. "Please… call me Arthur." "Oh, okay…" that was an odd substitution, you thought, but whatever. He smiled again, and sat down next to you. "Are you sure you're in the right section, Poppet? You look so young." Now it was your turn to growl. Because of your height and your "looks" (which translated to you as a refusal to wear make-up and slutty clothes), people often thought you were younger than you actually were. Usually they were only off by a couple years, but once someone mistook you for a middle schooler. "Yes. I'm 18." He giggled at your annoyance. "Don't be so sensitive! You should be happy you look so young – You'll appreciate it later, trust me." "Yeah, I can hardly wait to become a MILF." He stopped giggling and looked confused. "MILF?" "Mother I'd like to fuck." He gasped and looked extremely offended. "I say, _______! That's hardly proper speech for a lady!" You looked at this guy in astonishment. Was he serious right now? The look on his face told you that yes, he was very serious. "I'm sorry… I normally don't talk that way. At least not around elders…"This was true. Your folks taught you to respect your elders, and you felt just about as awkward as he did now whenever you heard someone your age curse in front of their parents. "Hmph. Elders or not, that's still vulgar speech. And I'm not that much older than you, you know. I'm only 20*." "Oh…" You replied dumbly. "Well I'm still sorry." "Well, I suppose I can't stay mad at such a cute face." You blushed furiously, and found yourself unable to reply. "So, what are you in for?" "Um… depression." "What? What on earth does a young lady like yourself have to be depressed about?" You weren't sure if you wanted to tell him. You didn't have much of a problem telling the others why you were here, but for some reason you felt differently about him. Maybe you didn't want him to think less of you? Eventually you figured what the hell and told him "Well, first my boyfriend left me. Then my stepmom found out her cancer came back. And then my dad found out he's a diabetic. I felt guilty, like all this was my fault. So I cut my wrists and I…" You felt tears well up in your eyes "I tied a noose with my robe's belt. I wasn't gonna use it, honest! I don't think it was high enough to kill me anyway. But my folks still got scared and sent me here." He looked at you sympathetically, patting you on the shoulder. "Oh love, don't be so sad! Remember what Edgar Allen Poe said: When things are looking gloomy And not going your way Just think of pretty colors And that will make your day! **" You were pretty sure Edgar Allen Poe never even thought that. Still, Oliver… Arthur's personality was infectious, and you gave him a smile. "Is that why you're wearing those extra bright colors?" He seemed flushed with pride that you noticed. "Why, yes it is! I'm so glad you noticed!" You laughed a little, partly because he completely misinterpreted your teasing as a compliment, and partly because… how could you not notice? His bright pink suit clashed greatly with his big blue bow. But that was okay; the bow went with his eyes. And when you looked at his eyes you couldn't help but notice it looked like he was wearing make-up. Was this guy a clown or something? You realized it was almost 11, and that meant the TV had to go off. Even though you were enjoying chatting with Arthur more than watching TV, that was your excuse for staying up. So you told him good night and blushed again when he kissed your hand, returning the blessing.

[kushamisaru]

Hetaoni Blind!EnglandxReader

"I can no longer see." Those words echoed in America and my hearts, tearing them to pieces. How could this happen? America blamed himself for the whole thing. Just like how he had taken it upon himself to protect England in the first place. Seeing him change from a confident, happy guy to this is probably one of the scariest things I've seen while in here. "Alfred, please don't beat yourself up. You only did what you thought was right… " I started, trying to comfort him. But he would hear none of it. I finally convinced him to go cool off in another room. I had feelings going through me too after all. I wanted to help, but there was only so much I could do for him when I wasn't exactly a hundred percent either. "Are you still here?" England asked, looking around. As if it'd do any good. "Yeah, I'm here." "Why aren't you saying anything?" I swallowed a lump in my throat. "I don't know what to say to you." My words seemed to hurt him a lot. "Oh..." "I just... I don't know what to make of all this." I started up again, voice shaking. "Part of me is furious with you for doing something so stupid. Part of me is glad that this is all that happened; that you just lost your sight instead of your life. Because if you died... I..." I shook my head, fighting back tears. "And then part of me feels guilty for feeling that way. I feel selfish. How dare I feel happy because you're still here though you can't see? I can't imagine how awful it must be... And then I feel like I should've been there, should've stopped you somehow." He chuckled sadly. "You're starting to sound like America." "Shut up! He was only trying to protect you. And if I'd known what he knew, I would've done the same. Just because you're tired of him being the hero doesn't mean you have to be one!" "... I'm sorry." He murmured. I looked into his lifeless eyes. They looked so sad, so scared, so lost. That breaks me. Tears roll down my face. "Sorry doesn't do us any good now." I start, trying to control the shakiness of my voice. "Anyway, you shouldn't be sorry. You got rid of the thing and you're still here. That's uh... pretty impressive. For that, I'm proud of you." He blushed a little. "Yeah, I was pretty proud of myself too till Japan pointed out there could be more than one." I'm still a little pissed at Japan for that. I know it's a possibility, but why'd he have to bring it up? That would mean England did what he did in vain... I shake my head. "Maybe, maybe not. Even if there is, there's one less because of you." I placed my hand on his, finally putting my own feelings aside to comfort England. I guess you could say that's my way of apologizing for going off on him. After all, even in this crazy place, I'm still me. And apologizing isn't in my character. I blush as I consider something. Maybe I wasn't going to apologize, but there was something else I had been hiding, something I felt I needed to get off my chest. "Hey, England." "Yeah?" "Do you wanna know why I came along with you guys to this madhouse?" "You are kind of a wimp, aren't you? Sure, I'll bite." "I came because I thought it'd help me get closer to you." He blushed. "What?" "I thought we'd only see some 'ghost adventures' type shit at best here. And I hoped that you, being the gentleman you are, would comfort and protect me. And when we got out, we'd uh..." I blush, unable to finish my sentence. He turned his head away, trying to hide the blush on his face. "Stupid, you don't have to put yourself in uncomfortable situations to get closer to people. All you have to do is ask." he mumbled what I think was "Even though I think that's adorable.", but I'm not sure. "And how exactly would I do that? Come out and say it? Seems kind of bold, don't you think?" "..." "Well, it happened anyway, so I guess I don't have to." I chuckled slightly at his embarrassment. "Y-Yeah." "I just... I wish it didn't have to happen like this. If I never told you how I felt for the rest of my life, I'd be fine with that. I'd do just for you to be safe." "If only it were that simple... Wait. How you feel about me?" "Yeah. Haven't you figured it out yet? "Forgive me, but trying to decode your strange behavior isn't exactly on the top of my priority list at the moment." "Jeez, you're dense." "Well, are you going to tell me or not?" I broke. I started sobbing, which startled him. "Bloody Hell! Why are you crying? I'm sorry, okay? You don't have to answer." "It's... It's not that." I blubbered. "Then what is it?" My cheeks turned red, matching my eyes. "It's because I love you." His face turned red at that. "You... You love me? But wait, I don't understand. Why does that make you cry?" "Because I didn't realize it till you left to fight that monster. When I thought I might lose you forever, I was so scared... I couldn't think. I thought before maybe it was just a crush. But when you just disappeared, my heart started pounding, and for a second, just a second, I thought to myself, "If he dies, that's it for me. I'll give myself to that thing". I didn't want to keep fighting if you were gone. And then I realized... I love you, England. " England's hands somehow found their way to my face, wiping the tears away. "Come now, I'm not worth losing your life. I would never want you to do that." "I know that, idiot." I still hadn't stopped crying, but him touching my face gave me enough of a warm fuzzy feeling that I calmed down a little. "And I don't want you throwing your life away for us either. For all I know you've done it before, and I don't think I could handle it again." "I'm so very sorry I caused you pain. If there's anything I can do to make it up to you…" "Just take care of yourself. And let others take care of you too. Like it or not, you have to depend on us now." "You have my word." I wanted to believe him then and there, but I had to give it time. "I got to go. I'll be back in a few seconds." "Wait!" I turned, looking startled. "I, uh…I love you too." My tears became tears of joy and I pulled him into a tight hug. After a little while he gently pushed me back and started feeling on my face. "England, what are you doing?" He seemed startled by my question, letting go of me and blushing. "Um... Well... I was trying to find your lips..." My eyes widened and I blushed. "W-Why?" "Because I... Uh... I wanted to..." "Kiss me?" "Y-yeah..." There was an awkward silence as we looked away from each other, embarrassed. "Well, I mean, I could kiss you..." "No! I wanna be the one to initiate it!" I wasn't sure why it was such a big deal to him, but I took one look at his adorable face, all pouty and flustered, and found myself unable to say no. Who could? "Okay." I giggled, a little giddy. "How's it gonna work?" "Just lean in until I can feel your breath." "Uh... Okay." I replied, wrapping my arms around his neck. I scooted closer and I leaned in until my lips were inches from his. "Like this?" I nervously asked, voice barely above a whisper. "Yeah..." He answered in an equally hushed tone. After a small pause, he closed the gap between us. In that moment, as cheesy as it sounds, the world faded away. We forgot everything that had transpired in this Hell. He wasn't blind. We weren't fighting some crazy killer alien in a mansion. Everyone was alive and well. Eventually we parted, our foreheads touching and a big goofy smile on our faces. "Bet you're glad you came now!" an obnoxious voice teased. We both turned to see (well at least I did) America, who apparently was feeling better. "Uh... how long have you been standing there?" I asked, dying internally of embarrassment. "I never left. Thanks for the cuteness, it really helped lift my spirits." "Git! I liked you better when you were sulky and quiet!" England yelled in America's general direction. "Not as much as you like her, I bet!" England got an anime vein on his head. "I really mean it guys. It's nice to finally have some good news. In fact, I think I'll go tell the others and spread the joy!" Before either of us could protest, he was gone, though we could still hear his voice saying, "Hey guys! Guess who finally hooked up?" England looked like he wanted to kick America's ass. "That damn wanker! I..." I interrupted him with another kiss, which scared him at first but he gladly returned it. "Save it for when we're not fighting for our lives, okay, Iggy?" "Fine."