I’m in English 12 right now, and my teacher told us to get in groups of four. We were given a prompt something along the lines of, “I have always loved baseball. I remember playing my entire childhood. I remember how I helped win a game with my team.” We were required to rewrite the bland story and create something wonderful. Uhhhhh.. Yeah. This is what we came up with.
Barbara and Janice: The bois
My love for baseball started when my brother was slaughtered in a bat mill. You know, the place where they make bats? At his funeral, we played a heartwarming movie, “A League of Their Own.” I felt as if I needed to carry out my brothers legacy. But- maybe I won’t shove my head into a wood chipper.
One day, while I was sitting on the field in a lawn chair, I began to think about my childhood and how my brother use to beat me with baseball bats. Now that I think about it, I have no real reason to love baseball. I think it may be because of my undying lesbian crush on Madonna. So I decided to make an entire lesbian baseball team. Angel, Anna and Sookie were our outfielders. They sucked. Pj was our catcher; we couldn’t put her anywhere else because she was the size of three trucks. Maybe football was more her sport. Consuela was our pitcher. Man, he had a strong arm. Maybe it was from beating her three children, Julio, Ricardo, and Roberto- All Girls. I called upon my two best friends, Barbara and Jaynce with a Y. I’m Janice with an I, in case you were confused. I was at first base, Barbara was at second, and Jaynce with a Y, was at third base. Now we were ready for the game. We had our pink cleats and rainbow jerseys on. Excpt PJ. She couldn’t fit in our jerseys, so we just strapped a few trashbags to her, smacked her ass and rolled her out there.
It was our first- and last game. This was for many reasons. Reason number one: We had no balls. Figuratively and Literally. Pj ate them all. The second reason is that we forgot to invite a team to play us. The Southside Twinks were at DragCon, so they couldn't come if we invited them anyway. This is a strictly Gay only League.
We were on the field and our families were in the stands. Roberto, Julio, Ricardo- all Girls, and all 72 members of Consuela’s family were cheering. Pj has already started eating the grass through the trashbags- I think we’re going to have to get a muzzle for her. Consuela raised her hand and Little Debbie Johnson walked on field. We invited the LGBT Youth Center to sing the National Anthem. After we sang the Anthem, Consuela brought up a valid point in Broken English, “What do now?”
She was right. We had no team to play, no balls to play with- not that we’d want to play with them anyway, BUT we DID have a large sphere. PJ. We raised our bats and took turns taking swings. After this day, PJ lost three pounds and her love for baseball. I think she found those three pounds later that evening after nine shots of tequila and three dozen doughnuts.
We may have lost PJ a week later to a hibachi accident, but we won the game. Even today, I’ve never lost my love for baseball. I will always remember the statue that was dedicated to PJ and the rest of the LGBT Baseball team.
The End
