If Only
[Ethan Ramsey x Ellie Shepherd Masterlist]
Pairing: Ethan Ramsey x Ellie Shepherd (F!MC) Book: Open Heart (late book one) Rating/Warnings: general, angst without a happy ending Word Count: ~1,400 A/N: This is part of my "a kiss" series of writing requests. This one is for @loreofyore and the prompt "a kiss out of envy"
Synopsis: Edenbrooks doctors are raising money at a charity gala but there is only one person keeping Dr. Ethan Ramsey's attention.
If only Ethan had left early like he always did.
He hadn't intended to linger. He hated pandering to philanthropists who cared more about plaques on walls than patients in beds. Medicine should be about saving people, not sucking up to those who know nothing of the field. He made a habit of putting in his required appearance early in the evening and then leaving as soon as socially acceptable. But tonight... tonight was different.
Despite his best efforts to turn away, Ethan's gaze kept drifting back to the intern in the black sequin dress. Her laughter lit up the room. Her smile, so genuine and carefree, could make anyone stop and consider whatever it was she had to say. She moved with grace above her years. She wasn't like the other interns. And yet, no matter how much he wished she was anything else, she was still an intern. Still his intern.
He tried to shake away the look the last donor had given her. The way his lips curled as his gaze swept over every inch of her. The way his hand settled on her lower back, fingers teasing lower as he leaned in to "hear her more clearly". Or the one before him who had paid careful attention to her necklace, though he was certain that was not quite what had captured his attention. Animals. All of them. They preen as though their money makes them better. More attractive. Deserving of anything and anyone they desire.
He nursed his scotch, taking another sip, his thoughts distracted.
"So what do you think?" questioned a doctor beside him at the bar who had been attempting to foster favor with the diagnostician, despite his obvious lack of attention.
"Hmm?" Ethan's attention shifted to the doctor beside him. Dr. Patel, if he remembered correctly. He was an up-and-coming immunologist who was vying for a spot on the diagnostics team. "Send me your ..." his focus fell back to her.
Ellie's smile widened as the cocky surgical intern leaned against the wall beside her. Ethan knew Bryce Lahela was a rising star. Far better age-wise for Ellie than he was. And yet, he couldn't stomach the idea of the rumored party boy dragging down the brilliance of Ellie. She had too much potential. She needed to focus, to study, and to work to become the greatest she could be. Even better than him, perhaps.
"Dr. Ramsey?" Dr. Patel called his attention back.
"Yes?"
"You were saying?"
"Yes, sorry." Ethan shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts. He wasn't usually like this. Distracted. "Send your resume to my office. I'll take a look."
The young doctor shook the attending's hand with an excitement that was not returned.
"If you'll excuse me."
Without another word, Ethan stepped away from the bar. Despite himself, his feet pulled him closer to her—his greatest weakness.
"I love that idea, Bryce," Ellie gushed, her hand resting lightly on his forearm. "It sounds like a perfect date."
The last word stopped Ethan in his tracks.
Date.
With Bryce.
Bryce Lahela.
Ethan hadn't cared about the number of interns, nurses, and even residents circling the surgical intern, looking for his attention, because she hadn't been one. At least not before now.
He knew he had no right to interfere.
He just couldn't get her out of his head.
Not since the moment he met her.
Especially not since Miami.
If only he could.
She was a distraction.
But it was more than that.
His stomach turned.
He knew it was more than that.
More than a distraction.
Jealousy. Envy. A want. A need.
Her.
And he hated that.
Hated himself for it.
He had thought himself better than that.
Better than the rest of his kind.
But he wasn't.
He was just like the others.
An animal.
"Dr. Shepherd," Ethan stated plainly, waiting to make sure he had her attention before continuing, "a word if you would?" He didn't wait for a reply, he turned and walked away, hoping she'd follow.
"Dr. Ramsey?" Ellie's voice was light as she met him in the hall outside the main room of the gala. A few people moved about, but none took care of the pair to the side.
Ethan's mouth opened and closed as he carefully considered his words. This wasn't like him. He was in uncharted territories where each step could lead him to his end. "You can do better."
"What?" she questioned unsure. "Look, if this is about the donors. I know I only had three so far, but I know I can get more."
His face fell for a moment. He hated himself. "No, it's not that."
Her head shook to the sides. "Then, what?"
"Dr. Shepherd... Ellie..." His voice softened, a vulnerability filling his tone. "I—"
Her green eyes met his, giving him time, seeing him in a way no one had in a long time. "Is everything okay?"
Ethan stepped forward, closing the gap between them. His hands cradled her face as his lips met hers. His eyes closed, his heart beating faster as she kissed him back. She was his weakness. She had this way of making him forget himself and the expectations he held himself to. This shouldn't be happening, but he couldn't stop himself. His body relaxed as he gave himself into her.
His thumb brushed gently over her cheek as the kiss slowed. He rested his forehead on hers, letting the moment linger.
"Ethan." She breathed his name against his lips. "I—" She couldn't stop the smile spreading on her face. There were no words. This was what she had wanted. She leaned forward, capturing his lips again, but the tenderness that had greeted her a minute earlier had vanished. Instead, she was met with the cold, stiff posture she had become used to.
"I'm sorry." He pulled himself back, straightening his tie.
"Ethan." She reached for him but he shifted away.
"I shouldn't have done that. I had no right."
Her mind filled with things to say, but there was only one thing she wanted to know. "Then, why did you?"
"Does it matter?"
"It does to me, Ethan?"
His fingers threaded through his hair as he fought himself. "I saw you with him?"
"Him?"
"Lahela," he answered under his breath. "Dr. Lahela."
Ellie's jaw fell open. "What are you talking about?"
"I know you made a date with him."
"No, I didn't."
"I know it's none of my business and you don't have to explain yourself to me, but I know what I heard just before I came over."
"OH! That wasn't about me," Ellie laughed softly. "Bryce was asking if I thought Olivia would like to go on a whale-watching tour with him."
"The pediatric intern?"
"Yeah..."
"Hmm." Ethan considered it a moment. "She might be good for him."
"But not me?" Ellie folded her arms across her chest, catching him off guard. "I wonder why that is. Care to weigh in on that?"
"I shouldn't have intervened."
"You're right, you shouldn't have," her voice raised slightly, but noticing the gaze of a passerby, she lowered it again. "But you did. Ethan, you did and you know why."
"It's not what you think."
"Then what is it?"
"Ellie, I can't."
Her lips pressed together and her eyes filled with unshed tears. "Why do you keep doing this?"
"Keep doing what?"
"Fighting this. Fighting us."
"You know why."
"Do I?"
"We can't."
"But what if we could?" She gave him one last look before turning away.
If only they could.
"Ellie—" He grabbed her hand, holding it in his own as he guided her back. He wanted to say all the things plaguing his brain. He wanted to tell her that she drove him crazy. That he can't get her out of his head. That he wished she wasn't his intern. That he wished their situation wasn't what it was.
Her fingers traced his jaw as if she could sense his thoughts. "Give us a chance."
"I'm sorry," was the only thing he could offer.
Her hand fell to her side. "So am I."
He couldn't do anything other than watch her walk away. He was the head of diagnostics and she was his intern. It didn't matter how he felt about her. That dynamic wouldn't change. He was her mentor and she his student. She deserved to learn all she could from him and not be distracted. For her own good, he couldn't give in. Not again. Not now. Not ever.
If only it didn’t hurt so much. If only...
Ahhh I hope this reads okay! I don’t typically write angst, and I’ve never written Ethan x Ellie during Book One before. I don’t think I’ve written Ethan in about two years—and I haven’t read an Ethan fic in even longer. So it’s definitely been a while. I just hope this still captures him.
I know this fic doesn't have a "happy" ending, but just think about Bryce and Olivia going whale watching and Bryce showing off his marine biology knowledge and how cute they'd be and then thinking about how Makoa is going to be a marine biologist!
Thanks for reading 💛💛💛