Today I picked up these two #chocolate bars and my sister and I shared them over a cup of tea. I wish I could say it was completely ‘normal’, but it was still an 'event’ in my mind. The fact that I am posting about it proves exactly that 😂 but boy am I further than I was.
I picked up my old laptop from my sister today and looking through all my files and clearing through all the junk was a real reality check. I haven’t been on that laptop since 2014, and my life was so different back then. I had SO MANY pictures of food. So many folders, broken down into categories; breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks, packed lunch, etc. I even had a folder dedicated to my very occasional Indian takeaways - that’s how much of a big deal it was to me… I also have a folder dedicated to my 'progress’ something I am yet to delete, but I most definitely will. I have one specific set of photos that are horrible, but looking at them even now I still thought 'I wasn’t that thin, I could have been thinner’. That is how sick my ED is, that is how toxic anorexia is, it’s terrifying.
I came to a startling realisation as I was scrolling through photos, seeing myself at various weights and sizes… Maybe my WEIGHT isn’t the issue here? Of course I know that, but have I really KNOWN that? I was miserable at my highest weight, I hit scary lows whilst in the midst of an extreme binge/starve cycle, but was I any happier when I was 60lb lighter? I think we all know the answer to that.
Gosh I am sick of it all and now enough is enough. Sure my ED will always be with me, but it doesn’t have to take up space. I am choosing to love my body and I am determined to FINALLY start treating it right. I’m not completely on board with potential weight gain, and I am scared of those uncertainties, but I am on this path. I am diving in, I am immersing myself in #bodypositivity and #healthateverysize and I am going to love my body and love myself because I need it and damn I deserve it. The time is now and I am embracing it all with an open heart ❤️ #everybodyisbeatiful and that includes mine