"Why do you smell like expensive perfume?" Cakehole 'Cooper' Piss asked with all the seriousness in the world. Which was already a bad sign.
Christian Brutal Sniper, or Karri to those who survive and can endure his killing spree without throwing up, was cleaning one of his three katanas, sitting on an armory box outside the Teufort base. He completely ignored the fact that the other man had practically slithered toward him like a snake and started sniffing his neck when he was barely an inch away. It was normal.
"It's none of yer business, mate."
"I think it is my business, mate."
"Isn't there a mercenary you could carve into a sculpture and stop pissing me off?" Cakehole Piss moved away from him and sniffed the air deeply, quite loudly.
"Nah. Nobody within a five-kilometer radius besides you, me, your RED Spy, Piss Cakehole, and the cannibal Soldier."
That caught Christian Brutal Sniper's attention, making him turn to look at the slithering fool behind him. Cakehole Piss was staring intently at his own bonesaw, clean. Too clean for his liking.
"Hey..." The brute called to the idiot, no luck the first time. "Mate, hey." Not the second. Third time's the charm. "You damn piss demon! Cooper!"
"Yeah, Karri?" A flirtatious blink and he was an inch from his face again, his grin defying biological laws and stretching his face like chewed gum or a bad render.
"Yer saying Painis Cupcakes is... here?" He pointed at the ground, shaking his head in disbelief. "Right here? Right now?"
Cakehole Piss's eyes narrowed, staring intently at his partner. He tilted his head to the left, then to the right, then forward. He pressed forehead to forehead with the massacre enthusiast, hand on his chin in a thoughtful pose. His three brain cells were playing a game of making bubbles explode, trying to string together a coherent thought.
"...Is that expensive perfume you smell off from Painis Cupcakes?" And that was the most sensible idea that came to him.
Christian Brutal Sniper unleashed a string of curses, threats, and profanities before getting up, sheathing his katanas and picking up a regular kukri instead. He was heading in who-knows-what direction, since the one with the nose hadn't told him where the man-eater was. Maybe he was going to look for him. Or maybe he'd had enough of Cakehole Piss. Either way, it was plausible.
___________________________________________
This was the downside of being the freak with the best sense of smell in the world. And no, he was a better sniff than Piss Cakehole. No doubt about it. But that meant his sense of smell was sensitive enough to notice when someone's scent changed drastically. And if there was one smell that was constantly on his mind (because he used one of his ruined shirts as a pillowcase), it was the Christian's. He smelled of blood, molten metal, and strong, unsweetened coffee. A rather pleasant smell, and different from the normies who smelled of sweat, lead, and gunpowder.
But lately, the very masculine scent was being overshadowed by a distinctive and expensive perfume. A blend of apple and lemon that was both sweet and sour. And don't get the wrong idea, the artist loved sweets. However, the sweet smell did NOT suit Christian Brutal Sniper AT ALL. And this was the second time.
"Why do you smell like that?"
"Like whot?" the newcomer asked, getting out of his van. The RED Spy followed shortly after. Always keeping his distance. Always aloof. Suspicious.
"You smell off..." He sniffed the air again, as if to emphasize his point. He moved too close to the other sniper again, his eyes widening. They were practically popping out of their sockets, literally.
"Not this shite again..." The brutal man muttered curses under his breath and walked away. "I don't have the bloody time for this. Cool down and we'll talk after work."
And he left. He left him alone with his doubts and the crisis all this was causing. Why couldn't he tell him to his face what that new perfume was? Was it so complicated? Or worse, was he cheating on him? Had he gone off on a killing spree with some other crazy guy while he'd stayed there alone?
And then he remembered he hadn't come alone. The normie RED Spy had stayed behind, smoking his cigarette. Christian Brutal Sniper's partner before he was known by that name. He also smelled of expensive cologne, more specifically Terre d'Hermes Parfum, ripe orange. So if anyone knew what had happened, why Karri now smelled different, it could be the RED Spy. Or even worse, he could be the cause. Before he could finish his stupid cigarette, Cakehole Piss approached him, slithering across the floor until he invaded his personal space.
"Hey. Mate," he said, trying to meet his eyes while the other took three steps back and covered his nose. Oh, yeah. It had been a while since he'd washed off the blood and the grime on him. "Are you the reason Christian Brutal Sniper smells different?" He blinked twice.
"Ugh... No. I haven't the faintest idea what you're saying... Monsieur..."
"Oh no, no, no. None of that. You have no right to try and roo me with French words. I already have an owner." It seemed that the more he said, the more uncomfortable and confused the Spy looked. Well, that would teach him a lesson. "If you're the one causing this, I'm going to-"
"Yo! What's up?" Both Sniper and Spy turned their heads to see a BLU Scout, with a big hammer, grinning cheekily at them. "I am Ass Pancakes. I'm gonna bonk ya'!"
While Cakehole Piss stood frozen with the loading symbol plastered on his face, the RED Spy disappeared from sight, saving himself once again. That's when the dimwit remembered why Christian Brutal Sniper had come to Teufort in the first place. They'd found a can of BONK! ATOMIC PUNCH at the base and needed an exterminator to take it out. Too bad, by the time his brain finished loading, it was too late.
"For the last time, Cakehole Piss, drop the subject once and for all. Or else—"
"Are you going to make me suffer a horrible, painful death like when we first met? How romantic." Cakehole Piss clasped his hands beside his head and lifted his leg a little, making the same gesture as your average lovesick fool. But then he returned to normal and started tapping the other Sniper's chest with his index finger. "Why? Do you smell? Like this? It's not that hard to tell, mate! Or is it? Is perfume some kind of secret? Why?! It's already hard enough thinking about what I'm going to do tonight, and I can't get this out of my head!"
Suddenly, he grabbed his head with his hands and began to vibrate. Literally vibrate. A small, nervous habit he had.
"Do you know how many times I've been stuck against the wall from thinking so much?! And how humiliating it is when Piss Cakehole laughs in my face?! And when he brings his friends over to laugh at me?! The only thing that takes me out of this suffering is carving! AND THERE'S NOT ENOUGH-"
His vibrating body was stopped by two heavy hands that pinned him to the floor. Christian Brutal Sniper looked both irritated and tired, sighing as he lowered his head as if he still couldn't believe Cakehole Piss could behave like this. He'd had to get used to it by now.
"If I tell you why, you can't tell anyone. Much less your brother."
"He's not my bro-"
"Promise me." His bright yellow eyes almost ripped the life out of him with that look. He stole the words from his mouth, leaving him only able to nod. "...I took a bath, okay?"
Something inside Cakehole Piss's brain shut down, making him blink so fast it didn't even seem like he was blinking. He opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. He moved his hands, but he didn't know what to do with them.
"Look, the scent was noticeable from far away! And that's not good when you're stalking prey! Okay? It was to make my job easier. And... why am I explaining this to you?"
He asked, snapping back to reality. He was about to pull away from the other Sniper, but this one was faster. He grabbed his jacket and pulled him close. He buried his face in the crook of his neck and inhaled deeply the scent of clean Christian Brutal Sniper.
"...Oi... Cooper..."
"You smell like apples and lemons," he whispered, the closest he could get to revealing his embarrassment.
"Ah, that... Must be the soap." He shrugged, as if it were no big deal.
They stayed like that for a while, because Cakehole Piss wanted to etch this scent into his memory. He liked this new smell much more, knowing it was just another facet of the brutal. Although he still had a slight annoyance.
"...Never change your soap."
Christian Brutal Sniper mentally debated whether to stroke the head of the one smelling him or plunge a sword into his stomach. Finally he sighed, slipping his hand inside the other man's hat and scratching that area he liked the most.
Animals are so funny. Like everyone's pets respond to different behaviours and find different activities acceptable/favourable. Like your cat had to actively choose to enjoy being cradled and having its butt lightly smacked. Your dog chose to find the fun in the weird noises you make. Everyday these small creatures look at our super weird and goofy maneurisms and go "Yeah, that's what I like about you" and I just...AHHHHHH
