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With government taking a wild west approach to law-breaking, Labour chose to focus instead on Evgeny Lebedev’s peerage

The denial was near total. You’d have thought that Boris Johnson would have had plenty of time to prepare a response to the Metropolitan police’s decision to issue the first bang-to-rights 20 fixed-penalty notices. After all, they can hardly have come as a surprise. Only it seems that everything is a surprise to the Suspect – or the Criminal as we may soon have to call him – these days.

So much so that he’s still not sure if he actually went to a party during lockdown even though the police have concluded that loads of people did. Even now he’s swearing blind that no one did anything wrong in No 10. The police must have made a mistake. If it wasn’t already before, it really is now one rule for him and another for the rest of us.

Imagine the scale of the delusion. It had been a lovely sunny day and “Party Marty”, aka Martin Reynolds, had suggested that the Downing Street staff get a bit pissed together in the garden after work. Just to cheer everyone up a bit and to thank them for all their hard work. And he had even been sure to ask everyone to bring their own booze because he had been thoughtful enough to remember that the Suspect was quite mean and didn’t want to have to pay for people to get trashed. Party Marty had even sent around an email confirming all the details.

But for some reason Boris had not only failed to read the email, he had totally forgotten there had been a party arranged for that evening. So when he had wandered outside with Carrie, he had been totally baffled to discover the garden of No 10 full of people, along with trestle tables weighed down with food and drink. Obviously he had been too polite to ask what everyone was doing there, so he just went along with it. As you do. And it goes without saying that it had also completely slipped the Suspect’s mind that he had introduced legislation preventing people socialising and that parties were illegal.

Now it gets positively spooky. Because the same thing kept happening time and time again and each time the prime minister forgot about the pandemic. There were at least 12 parties in Downing Street – Johnson attended at least six of them – and the Suspect was somehow convinced that no parties had ever taken place. And, bizarrely, still is.

Despite the police having now concluded the first stage of the investigations and found the law had repeatedly been broken at No 10, Boris is still adamant that he had only ever attended work events. It was totally normal for staff to get roaring drunk, break the toddler’s swing and toss the empties into the flower bed at pandemic planning meetings. What happened in No 10, stayed in No 10. And that also went for the fixed-penalty notices. Anyone who got fined would not be obliged to resign or even admit they had broken the law. This was government as the wild west. ...