#evil incorporated

[littlelindyloo]

Wolfram & Hart

[undercoverwizardninjaturtle]

Me: So you wish to join Evil Incorporated Jeremy?

Jeremy: Yes I do.

Me: Excellent, I just have a few questions. Can you dance? Sing?

Jeremy: What?

Me: Whenever I capture My Hero, I always have a music number planned in order to explain my plan to them.

Jeremy: I mean, I did High School Music in college

Me: Ah, you truly are evil. Alright then next question, it seems you have a few talents here including knitting

Jeremy: I promise not to knit on the clock

Me: No no, Actually I was wondering if you'd knit a few sweaters. You see Good Incorporated never lets My Hero wear warm cloths, just tuxes and mini skirts. They really love diy so so thought they'd like a few options to wear when they're captured

Jeremy: ....how many times have you captured the Hero?

Me: Seventy five times this month. Hero's not very smart but bless them they try

Jeremy: How do they keep escaping?

Me: Oh the usual, breaking their unusually weak bonds, coercing my easily manipulated henchmen and just walking out. And last time it was during Hanukkah and we ended up just watching movies

Jeremy:....

Me: Shut up Jeremy

[howtohero]

#042 Lairs

Supervillains are like spiders. You’re afraid of them when you can see exactly where they are and what they’re doing (the corner of Main Street and 3rd trying to sell evil, mind controlled gerbils to children) but, on some level, you’re even more afraid of them when you don’t know where they are or what they’re planning. Because, yeah, supervillains aren’t always out and about committing heinous crimes. Supervillains are like ogres. They have lairs. That’s where they plot their evil plans and plan their evil plots. It’s where they tinker with their latest doomsday device. It’s where they take plenty of naps so that they’re well-rested enough to do battle with the good guys. It’s where they keep all of their evil pets. A supervillain with a quality lair is way more dangerous than a supervillain who just like, operates out of a van or their mother’s basement (or your mother’s basement). And that’s why it falls to you, the random superhero reading this blog, to make sure they don’t have one. (Look I know I keep giving you guys more jobs. If it’s not “save the city” or “don’t give your secret identity to anybody” it’s “make sure your animal can’t have its mind read” or “don’t wear a domino mask because those are stupid.” And I get it, it’s a lot of stuff. But trust, me it’s all very important to living a full, well-balanced, superheroic life.)

The first thing you’re going to want to do is identify as many potential supervillain lairs within your city as you can. Most likely you won’t be able to get all of them. Supervillains are a resourceful bunch. I once knew a supervillain who operated out of a treehouse in the woods and he used a hologram projector to make himself look like a child so as not to arouse suspicion. (Of course an unidentified child operating out of a random treehouse in the middle of a forest is still suspicious so that did not last long.) But, if you can identify all of the obvious and glamorous ones, that’s already a victory against the supervillains. Some obvious potential supervillain lairs include, seedy nightclubs, caves in major metropolitan areas, castles that always have ominous clouds overhead, any building that has the words “evil incorporated” printed on it, and anything abandoned. Abandoned warehouses, nuclear silos, office buildings and especially amusement parks with fully intact halls or mirrors are incredibly appealing to the supervillain community. Honestly, there shouldn’t really be too many abandoned amusement parks within one town. Even one is kind of stretching credibility. Like, why would you abandon an amusement park. They’re so fun! Even if it was a mostly abandoned amusement park are you seriously telling me that there aren’t people in your town who would take full advantage of the lack of long lines to ride all of the roller coasters a bunch of times every day. #Endtheabandonmentofamusementparks2k17.

When it comes to abandoned buildings the best way to prevent them from falling into the hands of supervillains is by convincing the city to actually do something with them. Refurbish those old decrepit warehouses into new office space, or storage units, or, hell, whip up some affordable housing developments (OR A TRAMPOLINE PALACE). Not only will these projects prevent supervillains from having places to store their Whateverinator 3000 but it will boost the city’s economy while creating dozens, if not hundreds, (if not zillions!!!!!!) of new construction jobs. If the sites are deemed too rundown to have new life breathed into them then just get those things condemned and torn down! Make a day of it! Get the whole town involved! Nothing brings a community together like demolishing a building. There is literally no reason why supervillains should have unfettered access to all of these abandoned buildings. You can’t tell me they actually paid for them. That’s a completely unsupervillain thing for them to do. I mean, it’d definitely be savvy sure, but highly un-supervillainous. “Yes, fine officer you can arrest me for trying to blow up a river but if you want to take one step into this evil funhouse you best have a search warrant with you because I just so happen to be in possession of the evil funhouse deed!”

If the city doesn’t want to take the proper steps to refurbish or tear down these free homes for supervillains (maybe they’ve been paid off or maybe they’re just lazy, who knows!) try reaching out to someone with the funds and resources to undertake such a project. Fortunately, supervillains make a lot of enemies and while they spend most of their time making super powered, cape-wearing enemies they also from time to time make business-suit wearing enemies in possession of lots of real power, in the form of large piles of money. You see, sometimes, in order to make a quick buck or a gazillion, a supervillain will kidnap some rich person in hopes of bringing in a large ransom. Most of these rich people are not into that. So they’ll probably be up for closing supervillains out of the real estate market. Also sometimes (very rarely) even rich people that haven’t been personally effected by acts of supervillainy will want to prevent them from squatting in abandoned rubber chicken manufacturing facilities. If all of that fails you can reach out to one of those billionaire-with-issues™ superheroes that we’ve often discussed.

If you’re too late and a supervillain is already holed up in an abandoned pizza parlor or some kind of villainous hovel, don’t fret. All is not lost. They’ve merely won the pizza parlor, not the city. All you need to do now is place the pizza parlor under surveillance and wait until the supervillain emerges so they can be arrested. Once a supervillain’s lair is identified they’ve already lost a huge advantage. Still though, I don’t recommend actively storming the lair once you’ve found it. Supervillains are notorious for (all manner of felonious activities) booby-trapping things. So running blind into an evil lair is incredibly risky and dangerous. One wrong step and your head could be sliced off by an actual guillotine. French Revolution style! I’m sure we’ve said it before but we will say it again, supervillains have no chill.  

[thepoeticpurplepotato]

If I had a nickel for every time I pleased an author by admitting (in the tags) that I read their fic aloud to my family, I’d have 5 nickels

Which isn’t a lot, but y’know, it’s crazy to me that it’s happened that many times

[smoakingbabbles]

John might have told me about your employment offer from Evil Incorporated

Felicity Smoak

[u-have-a-moustache-like-my--blog]

Can we talk about why doofenschmurts is the only one around here asking the right kinda questions..

[acmesalesrep]

I have to admit it: the Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc. jingle is pretty catchy. (by Chef Armfield)

[acmesalesrep]

It's German, in case you're wondering.